Adult daughter uses her children to get what she wants

[flower48]

Hi everyone,
I have been reading some of your stories for the past couple of days. I finally registered so that I could share mine.  I read the forum rules and such and I will try to remember to use abbreviations when possible.  I have a bad memory and I get confused easily due to some medical issues but will try to do my best not to confuse you right along with me LOL.

I am nearly 50 and have a 30 year old foster daughter who has two children of her own.  Five years ago her husband walked out when she was almost 6 months pregnant with her youngest.  I felt bad that she was alone and was in such a bad way.  I stepped in and helped out.  Now it is nearly 6 yrs gone by and though she has her own home she cannot seem to breathe her own air if she doesnt' call 18 times a day.  If I sit down to eat, or go to take a shower that phone rings or she is sending a text.  Can I please help with something or pick up the boys for her.  She tells everyone at work that she is such a hard-working single mom but what they don't know is that Gramma is doin' all the work behind the scenes.  Gramma is also her personal BANK.  Funny thing is that when I go to my bank to make a withdrawl there is no whining involved and I don't have to tell the teller my whole life story to explain why I need to withdraw $50.  She thinks telling me a sob-story will make my purse strings just fly open.   
She is 30 not 19.  She needs to suck it up and raise her two boys without having to call me every 25 seconds. 
When I see all these parents who WISH with all their mite that they had a relationship with their son or daughter I think--- TAKE MINE~  take her please.  I want to have a life.  I want to get through one day without a crisis.  Her biggest problem is that she is lazy and refuses to try to do things on her own.  When I have cut her off and said I won't give another dime...she dangles the children and says that they will starve if I don't help cuz her ex husband isn't paying child support.  she knows that no matter how angry I get with her I won't take it out on the two boys. 
It is NOT their fault their mother refuses to help herself and refuses to go to work day in and day out.  When I was sick and my children were little I worked.  I didnt sit at home whining and then expect someone else to pay my bills.  I went to work coughing my guts out.  Once I even threw up in a trash can all day at work cuz I couldn't afford to take the day off.  Nobody came to MY RESCUE. 
But she knows that even when I am angry with her I cannot say no to the boys.  They didn't ask to be born to a lazy and selfish mother.  Why should I punish them? 
Any ideas?
I would rather have a daughter who hates me and wont speak to me then a blood-sucking leach who cannot make it through 3 hours without having to call me for something.
Flower48

[Cherry]

I can see your point.  I'm trying to deal with my situation, which is quite the opposite of yours.

Have you considered the role of genetics in the personality of your foster daughter?  Genes are what give us our personality.  Only perhaps 30% of our personality comes from how we were raised.  A person can make changes to their own way of treating others, but their desires are much more inborn.

There's a very good book that delves into personalities that use other people.  It was written by a psychologist, Martha Stout Ph.D.  It's called "The Sociopath Next Door." 

Your foster daughter may not have very much empathy in her soul.

[sesamejane]

I think it would be a mistake and probably not very helpful to think there is a sociopath under every rock.  In any event, one still needs to respond in a way that is adaptive/helpful.

Flowers, it looks like your girl has learned to take advantage of you, and it is time you helped her 'unlearn' this unhelpful habit.  What willl happen when you are no longer around?  then the boys will really suffer.  Better for  you to draw a line and *you* work on not crossing it.  Do you think you might be able to say "I think you can handle this one honey."  or "Wow that sounds rough.  What are *you* going to do about it?"  "Gosh I wish I could help, but I think that would just make things worse.'  "You are such a good mom, I know you will make the right decision."  "No, not today."  " Gosh, I have some other things I have to do today." 

I look forward to hearing from some of the other gals.  They are wise indeed!  Welcome and good to  hear from you.

[Pen]

Welcome, Cherry. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened under the topic Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the forum is a good fit for you.

Continue reading to get a feel for the place - we're great on supporting each other as we make progress in our various situations. Perhaps  you'll share yours one of these days.

[momof2]

Okay flower, I have some harsh words for you, but know that I say it out of love because I know what you are going through. You are not responsible for your DD's children or your DD's bills. Let me fill you in on a little story....

My sis is four years older than me. She has a good job that pays well, but she also has a spending problem. Ever since she was 18 years old, she has taken on a multitude of credit cards that she has maxed out within a week. When her multi monthly payments to those cards plus the car payments (a car she could not afford in the first place) exceeded her income, she would go crying to my GPs (grandparents). Everytime she called with a sob story about her electric about to be shut off or water being shut off, the GPs would pay her bills. They didn't want to her to suffer. Fast forward 16 years....  My sis is in her mid 30's, has a 6 years old child, she has had my GPs sign TWO credit card consolidation loans (they basically take all your credit cards and bulk them in to 1 "easy" payment) that they ended up paying off both loans in full because she could not make the monthly payments. She then, took those same credit card and maxed then out again!

Now, my GPs paid off her car because she could not afford the payments of that as well as the maxed out cards that she can no longer consolidate because they wont cosign for her again. You would think that would be the end of it, right? WRONG! My sister no longer has a car payment, or consolidation payments,( She has CC payments, but the GP"S don't know about her maxing them out again) and she still somehow can't pay her bills making more money than she ever has before! Even still, they give her $500 to $1000 at a time about every few months or so because of her sob stories. She uses her child as a heart string to get money. The sad thing is, my sister is living it up! She goes out to eat at nice restaurants every week, drinks alcohol, and smokes cigarettes. Her sob stories are a FARCE! She just wants to keep up with her friends and continue to buy expensive clothes and live it up. Thus, the reason for the sob stories.

Do you want this to be your future? Do you always want to have your DD(darling daughter) suck the life and money out of you? NO! You really need to ask your DD why it is that she cannot pay her bills. How much money does she make? Does she receive government assistance? If you are giving her money or help with other areas, you have the right to know these things if she wants to continue to ask for money. If you find that she is spending recklessly or is living beyond her means, tell her that she needs to downgrade her lifestyle and figure out how she can support herself. There are many single moms with more than 2 kids who pull this off own their own without childsupport.

It may also be helpful for you to learn this one word...."NO". The next time she asks you for money, just give her a sob story back. I know its hard when she has the kids dangling in front of your face, but you have to realize that she may be blowing things out of proportion to get what she wants. Either way, she has to learn to be able to care for herself and the kids on her own. You are enabling her. You are the one suffering. You are not obligated to technology and do not HAVE to answer a text or phone call. Try it. When you get home from work or at a certain time during the day, turn off your phone. You'd be surprised at how much she can figure things out on her own. Set some boundaries to your DD. Have a talk wit her and tell her that the money lending has to stop and that she needs to figure out other arrangements when it come to the care of the kids or bills. She will put up a fight. She will cry and yell, tell you that she and the kids are gonna die, but I guarantee you that they won't. If you believe in the power of prayer (I do), pray for strength and provisions for your DD. You are not a bank or a door mat. You are going to have to be the one to suck it up and say "no" now. I'll pray for you. Good luck.

[pam1]

Welcome flowers

Thanks for reading the rules first

I had to laugh at your "take mine" comment.  Funny

Unfortunately I think it's going to be you having to do some hard work before it gets better.  DD needs limits and they are a good thing, they keep relationships on smooth ground.  So right now what are your limits?  One phone call a day?  A week?  I think when you've established what you want then you will need to enforce them, no matter how hard DD pushes back.

And not only is this good for you, but it's probably the best thing you can do for your DD/

Keep us updated

[Doe]

Hi Flower-

Well, this topic is a refreshing change of pace! 

I agree with the idea that you are the one who can change here - you can't make her change unless she is looking for a better life.  I have a feeling that some of her entitlement feeling comes from being in the foster system but I don't have experience with this so take that with a grain of salt.

You can start with little things, like turning the phone off for a part of the day. Don't get around to answering texts until hours have passed by.  Tell her you're getting old and your money's running out.  Start getting forgetful about answering her and blame that on old age.   As far as the children, tell her they can always come by and eat at your house (if you feel up to this) or you can bring them prepared meals regularly. Or pay for school lunches directly.  That way, you can make sure the money goes to the food.  Maybe you can find some welfare programs for needy mom with children in your area and help her get established with them.

Whatever you do, I think it would be smart to take back some of the time/energy that she's been siphoning off.   The next time she wants money, don't give it to her and spend it on something for yourself.

[Pooh]

Welcome Flower.  I agree with the others.  Only you can break this because she knows you will cave because of the GC.  I was going to suggest what Doe said.  She says they are starving, take them a bag of groceries, not money.  She says they don't have a coat and are cold...buy them a coat, not money.  There is a way for you to help take care of the GC without handing over money constantly to her.  But buy for them...not her when it comes to things, and reinforce that she is capable of taking care of herself and needs to buy her own things.

Also like Doe said, don't answer the phone or texts but once a day or whatever works for you.  If she complains, tell her you are busy and can't be on the phone all day.  I think I suggested to someone else one time to come up with a safe word and give it to her for emergencies.  Tell her the word is something like "Peanut" and if she leaves that message, you know it's a true emergency and will call her.  If she abuses it, you will not call her back anymore.

Sometimes we have to tough love them to do what it right and what is truly in their best interest.  Take your life back.

[flower48]

Hi girls,
Thanks so much for the helpful suggestions and support.  You are all so right.  I am the one who must change here not her and deep down I know that.  I took back a little of my life today.  And boy is she MAD.  I told her I couldn't help her with the boys on Saturday cuz she needed something... I actually stopped listening to what it was half way through her whiney complaint session and tuned her out so I cannot even remember what it was she thought was so dang important. 
Instead I bought tickets to the Reba concert and I am going on Saturday nite.  She wants to go so bad she could spit but not only would I have to buy her ticket but I would have to figure out daycare for the boys (which typically would have been me)
Her last words were... Well I better at least get a tshirt.  Well too bad.  I wasn't put on this earth to buy crap for her and the one nite in 6 years that I finally go do something for myself I am NOT stopping to buy her an expensive concert shirt.  I thot about buying a package of tshirts from KMart or Sears and tossing it at her when I get back and when she gets mad tellin her that she wasn't very specific she just said she better get a shirt but that seems kinda mean.  LOL

I didnt answer texts today and when she called back to back I answered long enough to tell her that I was very busy and would call her later.  I was busy... taking care of the boys today cuz of parent teacher conferences.  I told her that if she had an emergency she was welcome to call back but other than that I was very busy and would not answer calls or texts today until after 5pm and that she really should have her attention on work anyhow.  Again...she was very mad.  Oh well.  OMG I think I am liking this change of power.
IS that wrong?  I feel almost giddy. 

The only bit of advice that I would have trouble following would be to tell her what a good mother she is and how I think she is capable of doing all this on her own.  First of all I would probably choke on those words... and secondly I think she would know I was lying through my teeth.  I'm willing to try all the other stuff but I wont out and out lie to her. 

[Scoop]

Flower!  Congratulations!  I'm so happy for you.

There's a book out there called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner.  She explains that under-reacting is just as bad as over-reacting.  That when you under-react, you end up carrying resentment and re-hashing it and getting angrier and angrier, and then, at the next small thing, you end up OVER-reacting.  And then you have to eat crow, because you over-reacted.  However, if you react appropriately, you feel GOOD.  I think that's what you're feeling now.

You weren't mean to her.  You did not ignore her altogether.  BUT you also did not let her walk all over you.  BRAVO!  Good for you!

Keep it up!

You and her have a dynamic where you are typically her rescuer.  However, now that you're changing this dynamic (rightfully so), you can expect her to do what's called "change back" behaviour.  She'll twist herself like a pretzel trying to get you to "change back".  Do what you can and what you want to, but don't swoop in and rescue her.  Sorry dear, those days are over.

[Doe]

"I actually stopped listening to what it was half way through her whiney complaint session and tuned her out so I cannot even remember what it was she thought was so dang important. "

This gave me a good laugh!

Listen to Reba, too when you see her.  She wouldn't put up with this nonsense.

[Nana]

Dear Flower:

You have already started to do changes.  It felt good?  Of course, being able to say No is crucial in a relationship.   BTW, you made me laugh about not being able to lie to your daughter about being a good mom (words would shocked in those words lol.  And she could read the fakeness in your words.....you are ingenious.  You know, I also feel I cannot lie about something I dont believe in because just as you feel they will notice I dont mean it.  God, I am so transparent.  LOL

Hold on...continue with your changes...

Also, it was a good piece of consolation to mothers who long to have a relationship with adults children, that you are offering yours lol.  This will be helpful to many.

Love

[Ruth]

Now that wasn't so hard, was it?   You just needed to get some validation that was it OK to do what you knew in your heart was the right thing to do.  Nobody likes change, but after a little squalling she'll get the message and start to do for herself.  good job.

[pam1]

Flower, good for you! 

[Pooh]

Bravo Flower!  That was excellent!