Author Topic: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks  (Read 12146 times)

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nanjojan

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Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« on: October 18, 2011, 11:27:54 PM »
Hi everyone, this is my first time writing and I am very distraught over my daughters wedding in 2 weeks. I will begin by saying that my daughter and I were always very close. I have 4 children with my ex husband. My husband and I were married for 31 years and have been divorced for 1 year. My daughter became engaged in Oct. 2010 and is to be married Nov. 5Th 2011. Everything was fine until Nov. 2010 when the four adult children decided to spend Thanksgiving with their dad. I was hurt as I have no family except my mother. From that I have not seen my 32 year old daughter nor the engaged 28 year daughter in the past year except a few times when my 79 year old mother has been hospitalized. They have stayed close with their father and will not tell me the reason for them not wanting me in their life. I did not see them for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mothers Day nor birthdays.
In February 2011, my daughters in laws to be held an engagement party to which I was not invited too. My ex took his gf of 4 months. I found out 1 week ago that he married this woman after knowing her for less than a year and  my daughters took pictures and put them on facebook smiling with their new stepmom. My daughter had a bridal shower in August to which I was not invited. Now the wedding is two weeks away and she has invited my cousins and their children, my mother and her friend but not me. Some family members are going and some are not.
My two sons and I have a good relationship and they are both in the wedding. I do not put them in the middle and ask questions. No one is standing up for me and finding out what the problem with me is. All I can think about is that I will not be there to put her veil on, to watch her walk down the aisle , to say her vows and have her first dance. Her new stepmom will. She will be in the front pew and light the mother candle. She will be announced as stepmother of the bride. She did not raise her and does not even know her that well. I love my daughter but she has hurt me so badly that I cry everyday. I go for therapy once a week but it does not fix a broken heart. Family counseling has been offered but my daughter refused. I do not know what to do. I am so broken hearted.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2011, 01:26:20 AM »
Hello Nan ....and Welcome ,

this is becoming a familiar story on this forum , and I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad .
I can only think you had a major argument after that thanksgiving meal , and haven't found a way to
heal the rift . As you were so close in the past it's so sad this has come between you and a year
is a long time without fixing the problem .
There are a few ladies here that are also undergoing the same problem and can empathise with
you and perhaps offer some consolation . Keep posting Nan , we are with you .

Offline Nana

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2011, 04:24:45 AM »
Hellow Nan

I know it is terrible to be in your position.  I cannot imagine that happening to me.  Not being able to have the place I have earned in my daughter's wedding is more than rude.  Not knowing why is even worse.   I am not in your position, but do think that you should confront her because she is your daughter and ask her why is she doing this to you.  You deserve at least answers.   

Probably it is related to something that your ex said about you. 

Dear Nan... as Lancaster Lady said...many wise ladies will relate to your story and will give you good advice.  I only can tell you that you are not alone in this.  We are all here for you.  And believe me, I am feeling your pain.... just hold on .... there has to be an explanation for this and you will know soon.  Demand answers.

I really wish I could help you more.

All the love for you.


Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Sassy

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2011, 06:40:31 AM »
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering.  I hope in two weeks, the acuteness passes, and then perhaps you and DDs may begin to approach each other with everyone feeling less pressure. 

Since you and DD were close, and you can identify the time when things changed, Thanksgiving 2010, that's where I'd look.  I know you were hurt when DD's went to their father's that year.  I don't know if you said anything to them about your pain.  I don't know if they felt you were trying to make them responsible for your feelings?  If so, I am wondering maybe they felt manipulated or like they were being guilted for spending time with their dad.  I agree it would be so helpful if they could speak up so you could work on healing that.

I send you strenngth to get through the next two weeks.  Plan something special for yourself during that time.  Keep busy to distract you from thinking about it too much.

Offline Ruth

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2011, 06:46:31 AM »
Heartfelt compassion for you, Nan.  You are not alone.  A bomb has blown up in your face, and you feel like pieces of your life are scattered all over the place.  You really second guess everything right now, I suspect.  Frantically trying to access mental files to scan back over years and years looking for answers.  This seemingly callous de-sensitization of lots of young adults seems to be getting all too prevalent.  I've thought about it a lot.  I also have one DS who cut me out of his life a year ago.  I have tried to ponder about this, one idea  I have is that it mostly seems to be 20-30 yr olds, and I wonder if that signals most of us are the baby boomers and lots of things turned upside down in the 60's, parental disdain really took on a life of its own.  And we took in all this, but in fact we were not able to assimilate that into our own selves, we were still locked into believing in parental authority, respect, family loyalty, honor, etc.  But I wonder sometimes if we still felt the influence from society so strongly, that we communicated this sense of entitlement and preference to our children, and they became less attached to us than generations before, hence able to 'cut us off' without deep remorse and guilt.  I know that isn't the only factor, divorce has also played a big role.  But other previous generations weren't raised in hothouses, families have always had alcoholism, poverty, craziness.    I'm sorry for that rambling, it may not have helped anyone else but I needed to say it.

Dear heart, something concrete may have transpired, i.e. ex told some family secret but I don't actually think so.  I think it may have been an emotional manipulation of DF setting himself up as the White Prince now.  I admire your judgement in not doing what we all want to do, probe for information.  In time, you are going to hear the truth but in the mean time, you have an opportunity for some lavish personal growth by reading and writing here, and it will get less and less urgent to have this unraveled.  Take courage, all is not lost.  This is a bump in the road but you can keep going forward and come out on top.

Offline Doe

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2011, 07:19:41 AM »
I think if I had a daughter who had cut me off and was stonewalling me, I wouldn't want to be a part of her wedding. 

If she is treating you this way for months before the wedding,  wouldn't it uncomfortable to help with the veil, light the candle, etc.?  I understand the dream of the ideal daughter's wedding, but I don't think this would be that.   If you did go to the wedding, wouldn't it be really awkward? 

I did go to my son's wedding but didn't really enjoy the day because of some big differences we had.  I do understand mourning the loss of what could have been.

Foster your relationship with your sons.  Give to them the part of you that your daughter doesn't want.


Offline pam1

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2011, 07:22:10 AM »
Welcome Nan :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History in the category Open Me First, we ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I agree with Sassy, maybe explore the time around Thanksgiving to see what might have happened for this change to occur. 

Glad you found us
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline bdwell1904

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #7 on: October 19, 2011, 07:41:09 AM »
My own DD will get married in 11 days. I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks after being uninvited to her wedding. I know how much you are hurting. I am unable to support you more at this time, but when I get a grip (bad day for me) I will write again.
In my thoughts

Offline Pen

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2011, 09:05:42 AM »
Welcome, NJJ. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain right now. Shunning is awful. No one deserves that treatment. Please nurture yourself right now, take one little step toward doing something for yourself. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

colleen01

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2011, 12:54:54 PM »
Hi Nan, I'm new too, but wanted to add my support for you and your heartache.  It really does seem like this is the "new" way to act to your parents.  Like it's a sick game to see how much cruelty some of us parents can handle before we crack.  I'm amazed that there are web sites galore on this subject and also books on estrangements from adult children.  No one has all of the right answers as to why and it gives them even more power to withold the info from us that we have a right to know.  I have been going thru this kind of stuff from my oldest(33)from my first marriage.  My daughter (21)who is ready to give birth is from my second marriage which is good, so I can't even blame this one on a divorce.  My husband and I are clueless as to why she does this.  I really feel for you, and give you much credit for "not" probing.  Makes you want to kidnap them, where they have no choice but to answer you and tell you why.  But we can't do those things or police will be called.  So, I don't even think demanding will get you anywhere, you could try though since you haven't asked them yet.  God Bless

Offline Ruth

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2011, 02:13:58 PM »
COLEEN - Welcome, dear friend.  I send loving thoughts to you, and wish I could also stretch my arms far enough to span the miles and wrap around you.  I did not know that estrangement was anything but an isolated topic.  Thank you for enlightening me, it was what I was feeling in my own intuitive thoughts, that this is a bigger issue than I ever thought.  I am so sorry for your pain, I do hope to get to know you much better as we keep writing and healing here together.

Dear, precious Bdwell!   I am sorry this is a down day for you!  Your presence here is such an uplift, I really mean that.  Every time I see one of your posts I read it, you have such a sparkle and there's just a sweet energy in your messages.  I send to you love also and my own shoulder to cry on.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  write and let us know how you are.

Neytiri

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2011, 02:54:47 PM »
I am so sorry for all your pain Nan. Have you called her?? Why not invite her to a nice lunch and see if she will talk to you, maybe even give an explanation. Tell her how much you hurt and want to be there with her. If she refuses, there is not much you can do (aside from crashing the wedding). At least you will have some peace knowing you really tried to make things right between the two of you.

Hugs, Honey....we r here for you

Offline Doe

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #12 on: October 19, 2011, 03:06:58 PM »
I'm wondering how you expressed your hurt at Thanksgiving.   Is there anything that you said that might have hurt your daughter and caused her to pull away from you?   

I mean, if you had just graciously wished all your kids a Happy T'giving when they said they would be with Dad, would you have an invite to the wedding?

hurting2011

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #13 on: October 19, 2011, 05:42:20 PM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It does seem to be an epidemic with our generation of adult children.

 I read several replies and there were some good suggestions. Maybe inviting her to lunch or drop a card in the mail -letting her know how much you love her and would like to be at her wedding. If she doesn't respond or doesn't change her mind - you tried. My heart does go out to you just knowing you might miss out on this important event but she is in the driver's seat  as unfair as it is.

If she doesn't come around, I might would order flowers on the day of her wedding and send a sappy card - killing her with kindness.

I'm praying it will work out for you - as long as you have two weeks - there is hope that you will get it worked out- at least well enough to attend the wedding.




nanjojan

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Re: Daughter refuses to invite me to her wedding in 2 weeks
« Reply #14 on: October 19, 2011, 09:07:56 PM »
Hello everyone and thank you so much for all of your responses. As for Thanksgiving 2010, the children called the shots and I cried. My D called my mom last night and is supposed to visit her on Sunday. I am not sure if I gave details last night but a brief synapsis is as follows: my 18 year old moved with me last year and moved out when I found he was dealing drugs. I begged for help to no avail. His father stated he did not know yet when he was told, he did nothing. My two sons have an on and off again relationship with me and at this time it was on and my older son informed me of everything. My oldest son has a fatal lung disease Cystic Fibrosis and is 26 years old. My ex got married a month ago, never told me and left my sick 26 year old to live with his 19 year old brother. Over the summer my mother became very ill and is seeing a kidney specialist at University of Penn tomorrow. She needs a hip replacement and is scheduled for surgery on the 27th. Chances are very good that she may not make it. I have no support and moved in a month ago, the same time my ex remarried a woman he has not known for a year yet. I moved 30 minutes away and so did he in different directions. The only good thing that came of this is I see my sons more.
I do not know if my daughter will see me on Sunday or ask my mom to have me leave. I do feel by everyone catering to her is showing her that it is okay if she does this to me. My mom has tried to talk to her but is so weak now that she cannot. People who know my mom say my daughters behavior is killing her. I appreciate all of your kind thoughts and my thoughts are with all of you going through similar situations. It is draining.