Author Topic: Feeling Frustrated  (Read 7966 times)

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Invisible

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2010, 07:24:39 PM »
I have tried to be a positive influence in my GD’s life. Confused by her mother's toxic response to our dysfunctional relationship, my GD mirrors these behaviors. Unfortunately, my GD continues to become increasingly cold and insensitive.

Since my son died, my relationship with my DIL has not improved. The only reason I am allowed to visit with my GD is because DIL considers me a free babysitting service. The selfish reason my DIL allows me to visit, is not important. What is important is that she continues to allow visitation.

At first, I kept visual photographs to record our visits. Now along with these photographs I document date and activities, keeping record of any visual or verbal abnormalities. Will I ever need any of this information? Who knows?
Previously, DIL has been charged with child abuse. I believe there is still a problem with abuse and neglect. To what extent, perhaps in time it will be revealed. Some of my recent observations include:

   Abuse and Neglect
08/2009 GD had bruises on both arms – her mom picked her up and threw her on the sofa.
12/2009 GD flinched twice cowering in fear as if she was going to be struck. (I was going for the TV remote).
1/2010 GD was wearing damp jeans – Very cold weather 34 degrees.
1/2010 It is not uncommon for GD’s teeth and hair to be un-brushed. GD demonstrates bad oral hygiene.

Increase in Sexual Awareness
1/2010 GD asked male why he didn't kiss her on the lips.
1/2010 DIL was entertaining when I dropped GD off. GD ran out of the house telling me, Mommy is doing something nasty.” (Later DIL explained to GD she was wrestling.)
7/2009 GD wanted to omit the bottoms of her 3 piece bathing suit by wearing only the top and the skirt. She told me it would look cute.
1/2010 GD tells me she checks herself daily for hair growth on her genitalia.
 
In spite of the difficulties, I have tried to engage GD in age appropriate activities such as: roller skating, bowling, bike riding, swimming, horseback riding,  Easter egg hunt, earth day activities,  County parks,  zoo, various museums, library enrichment and puppet shows.

I taught her how to roller skate and ride her bike without training wheels. Together we read, learn board games, old maid, play baseball, bake cookies and cup cakes, watch videos, plant flowers and participate in arts and crafts. Unfortunately, my relationship with my granddaughter is deteriorating. I don't know if there is anything I can do to save this fragile relationship.

As my dysfunctional relationship with DIL continues, GD will mirror her mother's contempt for me. GD tells me, the only reason she comes to visit me is because her mother makes her. DIL does not appreciate my relationship with GD and will sabotage our relationship. No, I am not invincible. There is only so much I can take.
 
Whenever families are broken by death or divorce it is not uncommon for the mother to isolate the Father's parents from their grandchildren. It's a shame. Perhaps this relationship is an unrealistic dream. Am I fighting a losing battle? Was GD lost to me when my son died? For self preservation, maybe the best thing I can do (at least for a little while) is to walk away. I need to nurse my emotional wounds.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2010, 07:38:57 PM »
Invisible,
These things with your Granddaughter break my heart.  I get so mad when I read them I cannot contain myself!  How dare that mutation DIL do this to her child.  What a piece of trash she is.  How low can she go?  Probably lower, I suspect.

That child doesn't stand a chance!  She's being trained by her mother to become just like her. Yes, you need to take care of yourself.  You cannot take anymore.

How can you get this child away from this humanoid?  It never works to take them away, though, they always want to go back to their Mutations!!  This is a tragedy! :'(

cocobars

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2010, 02:08:01 AM »
Reading your list of observations brought tears to my eyes.  This is so sad that there is nothing legally you can do!

Invisible, just know that we are thinking about you and sending you good thoughts!  I hope you are feeling better and stronger soon. 

SunnyDays09

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2010, 04:47:47 AM »
Quote
Maybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.

  I would never suggest no contact.  It is difficult.  But it does take two.  In my case, my son never tried contacting me at all.  I am sure he would have if I ever came into a large sum of money - and when I realized this about him/her,  n/c became the only choice.
   Their toxic  way was something I couldn't understand.  It ate at me continually.  I so wanted them in my life - they only needed me in theirs as certain times.  :(

   Thru eliminating the mean from my son and his choice of mates I became stronger to go a little further and stop all of those people who basically were using me and didn't really care if I was alive or dead. 

   I would much rather spend my energy and time - and my loving - on those that want it, and even return it in some minor fashion.

   Only you know what to do.  If the pain is too much - let her know.  But don't close the door on your grandchild (never met mine!).    Don't try to win the battle of DIL grieving your son.  Or what YOU feel she should do. Just do what you must to have a relationship with your gc.  Really.
   There will be a time when your gc wants to learn about her father, and her mother won't be able to stop it.  But for now, just enjoy your gc.   

Invisible

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2010, 06:27:00 AM »
I am trying to "enjoy" my GD....but when my GD skates over to me  and says...."the only reason I come over to your house is because my mom makes me."  I mean if I say something to her she covers her ears and skates away. She is very cold to me. I am sure all her mother does is talk bad about me. How is this little girl supposed to love or respect me? It is an impossible battle to win. MY GD loves her mother. If her mother hates me of course my GD will hate me.

It makes me question why am I bothering. After I take her home I usually sit down and cry my eyes out. Because the death of my son has put me in this situation.



Quote
Maybe the best thing I can do for self preservation is to walk away.

  I would never suggest no contact.  It is difficult.  But it does take two.  In my case, my son never tried contacting me at all.  I am sure he would have if I ever came into a large sum of money - and when I realized this about him/her,  n/c became the only choice.
   Their toxic  way was something I couldn't understand.  It ate at me continually.  I so wanted them in my life - they only needed me in theirs as certain times.  :(

   Thru eliminating the mean from my son and his choice of mates I became stronger to go a little further and stop all of those people who basically were using me and didn't really care if I was alive or dead. 

   I would much rather spend my energy and time - and my loving - on those that want it, and even return it in some minor fashion.

   Only you know what to do.  If the pain is too much - let her know.  But don't close the door on your grandchild (never met mine!).    Don't try to win the battle of DIL grieving your son.  Or what YOU feel she should do. Just do what you must to have a relationship with your gc.  Really.
   There will be a time when your gc wants to learn about her father, and her mother won't be able to stop it.  But for now, just enjoy your gc.

Invisible

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2010, 06:34:23 AM »
Cocobars,
I tell my GD everytime the conversation comes up ...about how much her dad loves her. I tell her he is always watching her from heaven.

My GD mom is very selfish. If my DIL could destroy the relationship between my GD and myself she would feel powerful. I Just need a break.

The school was instrumental with getting my GD on medication. I wish my GD  and DIL would receive better counselling.


My son died 28 months ago. His daughter was 5. She is now 7 years old.

Yesterday I asked her what she missed most about her dad ...just to see what she would say. She just looked at me and said nothing. When my GD was 2-4 she looked like her dad. Now she looks and acts very much like her mom. My GD suffers from ADHD and her mother has her on medication. My GD has a very short memory. I do not know if it is related to the medication or the ADHD. Yes, my son had ADHD. Back in the day....we did not medicate children for hyper active disorders. We took them to the playground to run the energy off.

Invisible, one of my youngest daughter's has ADHD.  She was put into a special program at school where the kids get "one-on-one" attention (smaller classrooms but still public school).  The kids that have that DO have really short attention spans (and memory).  The teachers in those classrooms would go around and remind the kids to stay on task.  Your GD may not remember much about her Dad.  She is listening to her mother (probably tell her that her Dad didn't love her).  It's up to you to tell her how much you KNOW he did and still does where he is, and that he's looking down on her and sending her love through you sometimes.  I truly believe that.  You wouldn't be lying to her. It's up to you to let her know she was loved and still is.  She may not know that considering her mother's influence on her...

Invisible

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2010, 06:37:13 AM »
2chickiebaby,

All kidding aside...I strongly believe with all my heart that my DIL has emotional problems.

Dear Invisible,
I wish I could get hold of your DIL.  I can't seem to get mad except on PAPER but I do think I'd wring her neck.

These people have no hearts, no souls, no humanity.  Talking to her own daughter about you and turning her against probably the only person on earth except the DIL who loves her, is beneath contempt.  I don't think the DIL loves her daughter so that leaves you to love her.

I don't understand how she can live on our earth.  Why do these people get to live here?  Someday your Granddaughter will understand what is going on.  It will be a long time and during this time she likely will have huge obstacles to hurdle. 

She will look back on you as her only safe place.  She likely loves her mother and probably wants her love but someday it will dawn on her where love really is. 

I'm so sorry, Invisible.  I wish we could take the hurt from you.

Invisible

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2010, 06:45:12 AM »
Scoop,
Perhaps she she doesn't know what she is saying or just repeating what her mother wants her to say. But for me it doesn't really matter. Words hurt deeply.

I am doing and doing for my GD and when she tells me ...I only come over to your house because my mom makes me. I tend to wonder why bother. Yes, I know there is the mental health of a little girl. But I am fighting a dragon with a tooth pick. The odd are not in my favor. I need to take a rest break.


Invisible, your GD needs you, but she will not appreciate your efforts, and I would say that she CAN NOT appreciate them, until she's a grown up, maybe not until she's a mom.  So in the meantime, you must not give up.

I have a suggestion for you that is currently helping my complete outlook on life.   It's based on one of those internet jokes about "what men wish women knew", the line is "if I say something to you, and you can take it 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I MEANT the OTHER way". 

I doubt that your GD said those words to you about not knowing your son to *HURT* you, she said it because she heard it and she likely wanted to hear you refute it.  What if you took it "the other way" and just said "HA!  Of course I knew my son, who do you think brought him up, who do you think taught him to do *insert something here that he did with GD or that she admires*, who do you think helped him *whatever*?  I knew that he was a good Daddy who thought the sun rose and set for his little *nickname for her*" 

As for remembering him, I don't think it's up to HEr to ry and remember him.  It's up to YOU to remind her.  You don't need to "push" it all the time, but whenever something comes up, you talk about how he would be so proud of her, or how he did that when he was little.  Just little anecdotes and funny stories.

But whatever you do, please don't give up on her.  She's already been "abandoned" by her Dad, she's afraid that the people who love her might leave.

Invisible

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2010, 06:55:48 AM »
Yes, but words DO hurt. When my DIL talks bad about my son...he can not defend himself. My GD loves her mother and believe every word she says. I tell my GD no, your mom is mistaken your daddy was not like that  or did not do that ....she will not believe me. Of course my GD believes her mom.

For my DIL there is no love lost. She was "happy" my son died. She came into some money her house is paid for, her new car is paid for ...so as far as she is concerned his death was the best thing that could happen to her. In fact to use her words..." It just doesn't get any better than this."


Actually Coco - it's a pretty good philosophy.  I work based on the assumption that people don't MEAN to be mean to me.  Because that way, if they're just having a bad day, or didn't mean to sound as harsh as they did, then "no harm - no foul".  And if they DID mean to be mean - well, then they didn't win, because they didn't hurt me.

We also run on the philosophy that we CAN'T read each other's mind.  It sounds stupid, but if you put it out there and BELIEVE it, then there's much fewer hurt feelings.  So if I think that my Dh should 'just know', I back it up and I tell him!  Instead of huffing around the kitchen cleaning up ALONE, I ask him for help, and he usually does, because he can't read my mind and he didn't know I wanted help.  It's awesome!

Good luck Invisible - as the brits say, keep you chin up!

SunnyDays09

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2010, 07:30:21 AM »
Quote
It makes me question why am I bothering. After I take her home I usually sit down and cry my eyes out.

Quote
I am doing and doing for my GD and when she tells me ...I only come over to your house because my mom makes me.

Quote
Of course my GD believes her mom.

You may have already made the decision for yourself to change your relationships with them.  If it is hurting you so much, then perhaps no more contact could help.  The way it is now, with you banging your head against the wall in trying to change what your dil has poisoned your gd with, there doesn't seem to be any change.
   You tried.  You loved.  The mean with your dil is too strong.  You must do what you need to keep yourself healthy. 
    I don't think anything you try will change her course and it sounds as if the gd is a lost cause as well.  I am sorry.

cremebrulee

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #25 on: February 01, 2010, 11:51:47 AM »
Invisable, hello....
my heart goes out to you...I wish so much this wouldn't be happening to you....

Here's what I would do...if it were my Grand daughter, and she said negative things to me about me to my face, I'd say to her...well, you know, I love you with all my heart and always will....there is a part of me in you, and you in me...and no matter what mommie says....I love her and you very much.  Actually, what she is doing, is, and she is to young to understand about not saying these things aloud, and thank God she is...she is I believe trying to get your opinion, don't validate your DIL's putting you down to her....give that child something to think about, let her know she's loved, b/c someday, it will pay off...answer her with kindness to the contrary of what her mother says, but in a very loving way, without implementing her mother....let her figure out that part....just constantly validate your love to her....your son, if you don't mind me saying, is watching over you both....he needs you now more then ever, to look out for his daughter...

No matter what she says to you, counter act it with a great amount of support of love and good feelings, never anything negative. 

Let her know how important it is to you to have time with her...and that you love her, constantly reassuring her...
or hug her and say, do you know how much I love you....smile a lot, and don't allow her to see your pain....

you are very instrumental in her life, she needs you, actually more then you need her, and it is very important you are a stellar positive part of her life....

don't spoil her at all, and make certain, if she does something wrong, you do what you would normally do as a mother...and then explain to her later...."do you know why I did that?"....because I love you, and your behavior was wrong, and you want her to grow up understanding that when she is at your home, or another home, that there are different rules she will have to follow and it is essential she understand polite, social skills and love....

Remember, you are a very important factor in her life, you are her rock....

Love you
Creme

« Last Edit: February 01, 2010, 12:05:12 PM by cremebrulee »

cocobars

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2010, 06:08:21 AM »
Yes, but words DO hurt. When my DIL talks bad about my son...he can not defend himself. My GD loves her mother and believe every word she says. I tell my GD no, your mom is mistaken your daddy was not like that  or did not do that ....she will not believe me. Of course my GD believes her mom.

For my DIL there is no love lost. She was "happy" my son died. She came into some money her house is paid for, her new car is paid for ...so as far as she is concerned his death was the best thing that could happen to her. In fact to use her words..." It just doesn't get any better than this."

Invisible, I don't know how your son passed, but that comment would have really made me wonder if she didn't play a part.  That's just so cruel to think, much less to say out loud!

My conscience would bother me.  I would die of "lack of sleep!"

2chickiebaby

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #27 on: February 02, 2010, 06:12:45 AM »
I agree, Coco.....I wonder too.

cocobars

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #28 on: February 02, 2010, 06:26:49 AM »
Invisible, you hang in.  Just know we are all thinking about you!  I still think you really need support!  More than just us here (not that we're not important to you)!  I hope you can see how much you mean and how important you are, what a good heart you have!  We can't tell you enough!

You have to take care of you and get stronger.  You really need to see yourself from our eyes and realize who you are!  You need that strength and I know it's really hard for you right now.  Do something special "just for you!"  You deserve that treat.  I hope you know it!

Really, you do!

When you have to take these breaks, always remember this is "your time!"  You are caring for yourself just as you would care for your child whom you love so much (or in your case - your GD).  It's your time!  You need that care to build up your strength.  You need to be surrounded by people who see who you are and love you!  If you don't have that, then see a counsellor, a friend who loves and knows you, join a supportive church group, anyone!  Yes, even us.  You need to be loved too, and sometimes we have to go find that and/or ask for it!  I know that's sad, but it is true.  You need that for you too!

Sometimes I think when people don't have their mother's anymore, they miss that mothering role she provided.  That unconditional aspect of love raining back on them.  If your mother were here, what would she say?  She would be upset that someone was treating her daughter in such hateful ways.  She would love you by doing something special for you and would give you a sounding board, with alot of understanding and love.  That's what I feel will build your strength! 

We are all here for you sweetheart!  You are offering so much, but you need something in return.  I can only hope that you read these posts and see what we all see in you!  I hope you will surround yourself with loving people and find your strength...
« Last Edit: February 02, 2010, 07:13:36 AM by cocobars »

Invisible

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Re: Feeling Frustrated
« Reply #29 on: February 02, 2010, 01:13:41 PM »
Coco....My DIL has a my space page. She has posted  It just doesn't get any better than this." About a month after my son died. No, I don't think she had anything to do with is death but there was no grief.  I truly believe my DIL is mentally deficient. Something is wrong with the way she thinks and responds to problems. My GD is going to grow up with a "crazy" mom. Nothing I can do about it.

My son died as a result of a motorcycle accident.

[/quote]
Invisible, I don't know how your son passed, but that comment would have really made me wonder if she didn't play a part.  That's just so cruel to think, much less to say out loud!

My conscience would bother me.  I would die of "lack of sleep!"
[/quote]