Author Topic: second wife's DM = second rate to DH  (Read 8582 times)

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Offline Scoop

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2010, 06:08:33 PM »
Second wife, why do you have to spend Mother's day with your husband?  If he wants to see 1stW's parents (and not his? aroo?) on Mother's day, well, let him.  And YOU and your DS can go see your Mom.  I don't know why it has to be a fight or anything, just "See you later hon!  Have fun!"

Don't forget that you're a mother too - you should be able to celebrate how YOU want to.  My DH and I have a deal, we do what *I* want on Mother's Day and we do what *he* wants on Father's day.    I think that's fair.

I really like your idea of hosting everyone - but you should make it a BBQ or something that the "menfolk" are responsible for, so that YOU get celebrated too.  As for how to tell them, say "We thought we'd try something different this year and celebrate ALL of these Moms, we'd really like for you to come."  And if they don't come, then TOO BAD, SO SAD for them.  You've invited them, and then it's up to them to show up.

Scoop

cocobars

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #16 on: January 30, 2010, 06:35:09 PM »
This is so awesome, and I don't understand why people that have these experiences have such diverse ones. 

It always changes the person that it happens to though.  It is the most life-changing thing to go through!  Nothing is the same after that happens, and you want to tell everyone!  LOL!

I'm happy he is going to church now.  Maybe he needed to grow close to God or reach out to God and wasn't doing that.  I believe God loves every being here.  Even the birds, squirrels and rats!  HA!  The message doesn't seem to ever be clear but the memory is vibrant.  For me, even 15 or so years later it is. 

When I first had to move here and live with them, I was so very depressed.  I felt like a faliure, unloved, unwanted... Just so discarded.  I used to sit on my patio (I've since had separate patio's put in, so there's a "my patio" and "their patio")  and I would just weep and weep.  There were birds that slowly started landing in the bushes and trees next to the patio, and then squirrels came.  It was sort of funny, but they would sit in the bushes and watch me crying.  After awhile - it was interesting, like a little audience waiting for me.  It stopped me from all that crying.  I started bringing bread out with me.  The birds loved it, and the squirrels would eat it too.  Then I bought shelled nuts and would sit and take the shells off, throwing them to the squirrels.  Long story short, I have birds now that almost eat out of my hands (a robin couple nested beside where I sit and raised their babies this year), and the squirrels come up to me and ask on their hind legs.  I ran out of nuts one day, and ( I have named the squirrels) Sammy Squirrel jumped into my lap and stuck his head in my pants pocket (I always have a stash there).  So maybe I'm nuts, but I truly believe those birds and squirrels had a mission - and I was it.  I believe there are alot of things we don't understand that some animals get, because they don't have the veil over their view that we have.  I believe they have what I call direct instinct.  I could be wrong.  I'm just one person in a whole world of people - just a little speck.  It was strange how those birds and squirrels appeared out of nowhere, and stayed until I noticed them back.  We all had a staring contest for about a month, before I started bringing them food, and they would be there each morning waiting for me.  I went away for a week (my son's house) and my father said they weren't there?  Strange.  Nobody can convince me there isn't a wise being (call it God or whatever you want to) looking over us. 
« Last Edit: January 30, 2010, 06:46:50 PM by cocobars »

2chickiebaby

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2010, 06:48:40 PM »
That is so beautiful, Coco....God uses everything and every one.  I think you only know that when it happens to you.  It happened to you!!

cocobars

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2010, 07:10:20 PM »
I feel very undeserving.  I've met such nice people who were more deserving than me.  I don't quite understand why these things happen.  I can only think that I am looking - paying attention so they may happen to other people who aren't recognising them for what they are, or maybe the meanings are different for them.  I haven't figured out that part. I KNOW I've been touched!  That's good enough for me.  It's all I need to know for now.

The karma fairy has been through.  I've looked at your "thumbs up" and I noticed you are loved (no it wasn't all me, but I have my suspicions).  I think you have alot of people here who love you Chickie!  I've watched your minuses and plusses all day and the plusses have gone up as different people came through!  LOL! 
« Last Edit: January 30, 2010, 07:24:34 PM by cocobars »

2chickiebaby

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2010, 07:57:37 PM »
I begged for them, Coco!!  Thank you for doing that for me.

I think the reason you were visited by those birds and squirrels is because you were looking for something to show you love.  We need to start looking more often.  It's there

cocobars

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #20 on: January 31, 2010, 06:21:37 AM »
Chickie, You friend?  God loved him so much that he HAD to be asked.  That was his invitation.  He took it...

By the way, I wasn't the only one giving you "thumbs up" on your karma.  You are truly loved here and there were others who went through and did that.  I watched the numbers all day...  I wanted to know who was on when they went negative.  Didn't catch them, but I did catch a few karma fairies coming through...

 :)

2chickiebaby

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #21 on: January 31, 2010, 06:23:51 AM »
You're so sweet, COCO!!  So sweet....wish we were friends in real life :)

cocobars

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2010, 06:30:26 AM »
Your friend was "pinged" by God! 

But, Chickie - we are friends in real life.  This IS real life here, even if we don't know our addresses.  I believe I have true friends on this site, otherwise I wouldn't tell everyone such personal things.  That's real and I love everyone here so much.  It's hard to put into words what this site means to me...

You've created a playground for blessings (or pings)! :)

2chickiebaby

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2010, 06:36:09 AM »
It is wonderful...we can be ourselves here.  I love it too.  I'm so worried about Creme..if she's out of town, I guess that's the answer but it just seems so odd that we haven't heard from her!!

I wish someone knew her to contact her to see.  I think she has some special people in her life but of course, not her ownly child, which is horrible!! 

Happy, do you know her in real life? 

cocobars

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2010, 06:44:28 AM »
Why don't you send Happy a PM?  Maybe that will alert her to come on the site. 

It's funny, you mention Creme every time I think about it!  HA!  I hope she is on a vacation, but I'm worried too.  Thinking to myself, I believe she would have said something so nobody here would worry about her.  That thought makes me more worried.  I'm sorry, didn't want to worry you more. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2010, 06:46:40 AM »
Good idea....I don't think Happy knows her personally, but I will send it.

We're on the same wave length :)

cremebrulee

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2010, 11:08:21 AM »
BG:  I'm the second wife to a wonderful man, his first wife passed away.  He was very close to his first wife's parents (who are in excellent health & could still be here in 20-25 yrs.)  My DM has health issues & if she's lucky she'll live another 2-3 yr.

The problem is this - 

DH & his ILs insist that we spend mother's day at the ILs home.  Since I've married DH I've spent all but one Mother's Day with his deceased wife's mom.  It's all about her... DH would rather hurt me, my DS (from my ex), and my DM than upset his deceased wife's DM.

I have wanted to start our own traditions & have all the DMs to our house (my DM, his DM & deceased wife's DM); but they (DH &  his ILs) want to keep doing things the ways they've always done them. 

What would be a polite way to tell the deceased wife's parents that their insistence on keeping their traditions (which ignore the fact that I have a DM & hurts her a lot) isn't going to happen anymore?

DH has finally agreed not to ignore my DM anymore, and start a new tradition of INCLUDING everyone.

i would explain to them, which they should already know, (and this is such a shame) that you have a mother and she is first and foremost, especially with her health issues.  And your husband needs to stand up for you on that...he needs to understand, he is no longer married to his 1st wife....so so many times, men get remarried, and only to be taken care of....and they're 2nd wives live with the ghost of they're 1st wives....

I would get into counseling...right away...he needs to understand, that this must stop...I mean, it's ok that he is friends with them, but not to the point where he chooses them over you....and if you allow him to get away with it, then you will wake up one morning a very very hurt, lonely and out of love woman....you need to take steps now...

Get that man into counseling and if he refuse you go, and if he refuses to prioritize your mother on mother's day and holidays, then you just go...by yourself.

My mother passed on a few years back....my younger sister's husbands mother lives a few states away...and when our mother passed, it was a rude awakening for him...every holiday he spent with us....and now, he realizes, she has an alloted amount of time, therefore, every Christmas he drives out to see his mother, and if my sister wants to go, fine, if she doesn't, fine to....she comes to my house for the holidays...
and she encourages him to do so....to me that is perfectly normal and healthy....I don't believe you can spend 24/7 with your spouce...it works for some marriages, but myself, I would feel absolutely smothered...

but that is just me....

I hope something changes for you soon, and am so sorry that this is happeneing to you....

Hugs
Creme

second wife

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #27 on: February 05, 2010, 03:28:52 PM »
counciling doesn't work

the councilor said that in order for OUR marriage to be successful, WE needed to do create our own traditions (a combo is fine), not do everything the way he & his first wife did things

DH doesn't want to change things

2chickiebaby

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #28 on: February 05, 2010, 04:00:12 PM »
Dear Second Wife,
We have a DIL or two on here who could be of so much help to you.  They know a lot about counseling so I hope they can help.

I'm afraid I'm not that up on it.  You have a hard situation to have and I am so sorry. 

Sassy??  Can you help?  Luise?  Can you?

Offline Scoop

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Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
« Reply #29 on: February 05, 2010, 06:50:22 PM »
But SecondWife ... that's it?  He says no and that's the end of the discussion?

That's a really scary prospect, because if he's not willing to negotiate then what?  Then you either stay with him and suck it up or else you leave him?  That's ridiculous! 

Personally, I would stop arguing with him over it.  Why argue in February over something in May?  But sometime around the end of April, I would make plans with my Mom and my son, and then I would GO.  Because if it's okay for him to make decisions that make him happy, YOU can make decisions that make YOU happy.  And if he doesn't like it, he can go suck on a lemon, you offered a compromise and he rejected it. 

Scoop