Author Topic: Do You Ever Wonder?  (Read 4780 times)

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cocobars

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Do You Ever Wonder?
« on: January 26, 2010, 07:12:28 PM »
Do you ever wonder if anyone really loves you back after all the heart and soul you’ve given them?  I do.

My husband abandoned my twins and I in another state.  This was my soulmate, or so I thought.  He cleaned out the bank account and moved in with another woman (course, I didn't find that out for another 9 months when I took him back).  I waited sobbing and worrying on my sofa overlooking the walkway to the front door of my house for 2 months.  I couldn’t bathe (I might miss the sight of him walking up to the door), couldn’t eat, couldn’t function.  I wasn’t me.  My elderly parents (hearing from my daughters) hired and paid my ex husband to come get us and bring us back.  My husband had cleaned out the bank account so we had nothing to eat.  We and our dog ate rice.  I sold the baby grand player piano to get some food, uhauls, packing supplies, and come back – NORTH.  I can’t stand this weather here!  Maybe it has something to do with being born in Florida, I don’t know, but I could never get used to this.  Here I am.

My son had problems in his marriage too.  My DIL made it very hard for me to stay in contact with them.  Things didn’t work out and my son moved back in with me.  Now they’re trying to get back together (I think).  She comes and picks him up for visits (he’s disabled).  Every time she comes we have a fight – that night or the very next day.  Today he accused my 91 year old father of opening his mail (she saw my son yesterday).  I try not to hate her, I really do.  I look for positive things about her!  If she is his choice, then I’m stuck and there’s nothing I can do but work on being her mother also and loving her.  Chickie, my son is her clone.  He talks like a duck, walks like a duck and even ducks like a duck.  They lie and use all of us.

You know about my oldest daughter.  It was my first posting here. 

So, I’m left wondering…  Does anyone really love us back? The next question - what is love?  Maybe my definition is not the same...

Yes I hope tomorrow’s better.  I’ve seen better and worse.  I know it will get better.  There’s just so much! 

My father has alzheimers, my mother has (what’s the other one?).  I just don’t know right now.  It’s a bad bad day, but thank you for your kind words.  That meant a lot to me right now.

I'm having a bad day.  I haven't thought about all this for so long - I've been busy until now.  I think I need to get busier.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2010, 07:48:29 PM »
Dear Coco,
You have every right to have a bad day!  For goodness sake...you've been through it, royally through it.

I always wonder if anyone really loves us.  I do. It seems that people are only wanted what they want, without regard for others.  You're too sweet not to love...so I know you have plenty of people who care deeply for you.  It's just hard these days to show it because they're so absorbed in themselves.

Stay strong and know we love you, Coco.  We do :)

Offline Pen

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2010, 08:14:13 PM »
Thinking of you - I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

I do wonder about this sometimes, too. It's so difficult. I don't think any of us expected this treatment from our children.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2010, 08:36:16 PM »
Chickie, thank you.  I know I'm going to have these.  That was the short and simple version of what's been driving me crazy!  I haven't posted, because I just don't know what to say?  I guess I'm still in shock?

Penstamen thank you too.  I never thought this of my son.  Believe it or not, my post (explanation) was short and I cut alot of things out - just crying, not thinking.  I take care of my parents and their property.  I am the executor when that time comes.  My father didn't deserve the accusation.  He just took the mail and it was taped closed.  My son threatened (to me in private) that he was going to call the police, which was pretty silly, but that did it.  I told him that he may be my son, but that was my father and I wasn't having any part of this!  Long story short - nuther fight.  I think my DIL plants things in his head when she's around.  He loves her so much he just sucks it all in like sponge.  Her mother was an alcolholic, she was adopted, her father is married (4th time) to someone younger than her. 

I'm just screwed...

I'm on overload.  I think my brain is shorting out!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2010, 10:07:38 PM »
Bad days are the pits. When I get one, my focus and perceptions take me to the darkest of places and when others have one I want a magic wand. I really do. I want to reach out and ping you all better!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

2chickiebaby

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2010, 03:24:10 AM »
Dear Luise,
Would you please get one of those?  Please!  I would fly myself there so you could 'wand' me.  See what you can do.  :)

cremebrulee

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2010, 04:01:50 AM »
Coco, those bad days are the pits...they really really take you down...I hope with the new day coming, you'll be feeling some what better...

this is no consulation, but they always say, we hurt the ones we love the most....like Sassy told me, I'm sure your son loves you...he does...

hugs and sending good thoughts your way...

I live up North here to...always wanted to move south, even as a child, I hated the cold, and going out to play in it...

Hugs....
Creme

cocobars

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2010, 06:13:46 AM »
Luise, if you ever get that wand, please let me know where and how much it costs.  I’ll start saving now…  Yes, bad days do put you in a dark place and they’re the pits.  I’ve thought the exact same thing about that wand.  It would solve so much heartache if I could just “ping” the problems away…  Like “I dream of Jeanie” or “Bewitched.”  I know I’m going to have these days.  There’s a lot on my plate and nobody to help me with it.  It’s been 3 years since my husband did that.  I thought I was over it.  I guess I never will be.  I know I’ll never take him back, and he’s tried. He knows I loved him blindly (and now I do too).  I learned to love me enough not to let him have a third chance.  I know that’s a hard hearted thing because you’re supposed to forgive and forget, but I would be dead by now if I followed that.  Sometimes you just have to look at what the person you love is doing to you, even if that’s the only person in the world you can see in your view.

Chickie, Crème thank you for saying such sweet and supportive things.  Today is a little better, and tomorrow will be better…  I don’t know what to think of my son.  I’ve talked to him about my parents.  They are on their way out and (even at their ages) have invited us into their home to live.  How many other parents do that with GROWN children – AND their children!  We are here for them just as they were there for us when we had a need.  Right now they NEED us to take care of things here.  This is their time, not ours.  We can have our time after they’re gone and be as selfish as we want!  When I first moved back up here they (parents) wanted me to come stay at their house.  I refused to do it, saying I would live on the street before that happened.  They are too old to be taking us in here (I was a housewife – no job).  After seeing the condition of their gardens which were full of weeds and grass (my father was an avid gardener and his yard and gardens were immaculate), I took them up on it.  After I had been here a few months my father was worried I would leave, so I promised him I would stay until they were both gone.  Where was I going to go anyway?  So one hand washes the other.  They helped me and it’s just my turn.  My parents are very generous with money.  My father will walk up to me with a fist full of $100’s and ask me if I’m low on money.  I’ve talked to him about doing that.  Even if he has it to offer people, he just can’t go around doing that, and my brother has told me he's done it with him too.  I absolutely turn him down, but I know he has probably done the same with my son (I talked to him about that too).  My son is most likely handing it to his ex (?not sure what to call her).  The reasons why they shouldn’t be given hand out’s is a whole other story, but they WILL come back for more and then more… My father was an officer in the Navy (retired), then retired from the government (Pentagon), then retired from chief of security at a well known hospital here (I’m in the DC area – not DC itself).  Anyway, his retirement is great but he can’t let some people know or they will drain him.  There are a couple of people in the family who can’t know.  I hate it, but my son is one of them.

Enough rambling, I could keep boring you all day with this stuff.  Just know that I’m very grateful to have some wonderful ears listening and supporting me.  I don’t know who else to talk to.  I don’t date and I don’t really go any where when I’m not working.  I’m happy I found this site!  It’s like a lifeline.  Not only because I have support and “warm fuzzies,” but because I get to give back too!  I really believe giving back helps people.  It does me.

It's funny, I don't know anyone's religious views (mine are sort a combination of many different religions).  Anyway the saying "God works in mysterious ways," and "good things are created from bad things."  I thought about this so much yesterday and it hit me.  My parents were living like this and nobody knew it until I moved back here.  It took that horrible thing to happen to me, but now they have help.  AND THEY DESERVE IT!  They have been kind and generous all my life.  If nobody else was looking, then I guess God MADE me look!

Offline Pen

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2010, 06:50:16 AM »
So love means caring about people and helping them when they need it, like you're doing, Coco and Luise. (It doesn't mean enabling those who could be out taking care of themselves but choose not to, but that's another topic.)

How many DILs will support our DSs being kind to us in our old age when we might need help? I know some of you say it's the new "me generation" but my stepmother let her mother rot in a substandard nursing home and she certainly isn't young! I think some people are just selfish, no matter what decade they were born in.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2010, 06:53:48 AM »
Luise, if you ever get that wand, please let me know where and how much it costs.  I’ll start saving now…  Yes, bad days do put you in a dark place and they’re the pits.  I’ve thought the exact same thing about that wand.  It would solve so much heartache if I could just “ping” the problems away…  Like “I dream of Jeanie” or “Bewitched.”  I know I’m going to have these days.  There’s a lot on my plate and nobody to help me with it.  It’s been 3 years since my husband did that.  I thought I was over it.  I guess I never will be.  I know I’ll never take him back, and he’s tried. He knows I loved him blindly (and now I do too).  I learned to love me enough not to let him have a third chance.  I know that’s a hard hearted thing because you’re supposed to forgive and forget, but I would be dead by now if I followed that.  Sometimes you just have to look at what the person you love is doing to you, even if that’s the only person in the world you can see in your view.

Chickie, Crème thank you for saying such sweet and supportive things.  Today is a little better, and tomorrow will be better…  I don’t know what to think of my son.  I’ve talked to him about my parents.  They are on their way out and (even at their ages) have invited us into their home to live.  How many other parents do that with GROWN children – AND their children!  We are here for them just as they were there for us when we had a need.  Right now they NEED us to take care of things here.  This is their time, not ours.  We can have our time after they’re gone and be as selfish as we want!  When I first moved back up here they (parents) wanted me to come stay at their house.  I refused to do it, saying I would live on the street before that happened.  They are too old to be taking us in here (I was a housewife – no job).  After seeing the condition of their gardens which were full of weeds and grass (my father was an avid gardener and his yard and gardens were immaculate), I took them up on it.  After I had been here a few months my father was worried I would leave, so I promised him I would stay until they were both gone.  Where was I going to go anyway?  So one hand washes the other.  They helped me and it’s just my turn.  My parents are very generous with money.  My father will walk up to me with a fist full of $100’s and ask me if I’m low on money.  I’ve talked to him about doing that.  Even if he has it to offer people, he just can’t go around doing that, and my brother has told me he's done it with him too.  I absolutely turn him down, but I know he has probably done the same with my son (I talked to him about that too).  My son is most likely handing it to his ex (?not sure what to call her).  The reasons why they shouldn’t be given hand out’s is a whole other story, but they WILL come back for more and then more… My father was an officer in the Navy (retired), then retired from the government (Pentagon), then retired from chief of security at a well known hospital here (I’m in the DC area – not DC itself).  Anyway, his retirement is great but he can’t let some people know or they will drain him.  There are a couple of people in the family who can’t know.  I hate it, but my son is one of them.

Enough rambling, I could keep boring you all day with this stuff.  Just know that I’m very grateful to have some wonderful ears listening and supporting me.  I don’t know who else to talk to.  I don’t date and I don’t really go any where when I’m not working.  I’m happy I found this site!  It’s like a lifeline.  Not only because I have support and “warm fuzzies,” but because I get to give back too!  I really believe giving back helps people.  It does me.

It's funny, I don't know anyone's religious views (mine are sort a combination of many different religions).  Anyway the saying "God works in mysterious ways," and "good things are created from bad things."  I thought about this so much yesterday and it hit me.  My parents were living like this and nobody knew it until I moved back here.  It took that horrible thing to happen to me, but now they have help.  AND THEY DESERVE IT!  They have been kind and generous all my life.  If nobody else was looking, then I guess God MADE me look!

LOL, there is also a saying which says, "We've got to meet God Half way...

God gives us life, he puts us here and gives us the gift of free will, to do with our lives as we so choose, and most of the bad, not all, but most, are the products of our choices....so, we need to really work at things to make them right, and there is much to be said, for living our lives according to the 10 commandments...plus karma, what you give you will recieve...

I have practiced several religions in my lifetime...out of curiosity...was once a Sunday School Teacher and a Youth Group Advisor....and now, prefer to not practice organized religion, just not into it any longer....however, I do believe.

I'm so gald to see you in there this morning, thank you for coming back and letting us know how you are.

Hugs
Creme

cocobars

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2010, 06:57:52 AM »
Oh penstamen, you hit a nerve there!  My ex DH put his mother in one of those nursing homes and she got depressed and lasted about three years.  I was sooo upset with him!  She was my best friend and she introduced us.  Encouraged him to ask me out and even though I turned him down at first, she kept on him!  HA!

I begged him to let me take care of her.  His mind was made up though and when she went in there, he and his brothers (DIL's, etc.) went into her house, cleared it and sold it.  She didn't even know she was never coming out!  I was so upset with him! But, I was the ex and didn't really have a say.  I went to see her in the hospital.  Took her flowers from my gardens...  I didn't have the heart to tell her anything though.  She passed not knowing she didn't have a home anymore.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2010, 07:04:09 AM »
Coco, that is so sad!  I can tell you that from the way the girls talk today it's this kind of thought:  "I don't owe them anything.  They need to take care of themselves. I have my life to lead.  They'd better not be depending on us to care for the old bats, we're not."

Okay, I've got to stop this right now.  I am getting so mean that I'm scaring Chickie. >:(  She doesn't even like me today.  :-X

Somebody needs to slap me. Please don't hurt me, I'm very sensitive.  Slap me real light, in fact, try to pretend you're slapping me and don't really hit me.  Kind of an air slap.  :'(

cocobars

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2010, 07:27:28 AM »
Okay!  Here goes chickie!  SLAP SLAP! 

Are you ok? 

2chickiebaby

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2010, 07:30:22 AM »
OUCH!!  That hurt!  But, I do feel sweet now. Thank you, Coco~!! ;D

peggyrice@triad.rr.com

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Re: Do You Ever Wonder?
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2010, 08:00:20 AM »
The wish to "ping" is greatly appreciated.  So much of what we are struggling with is cold hearted, not caring and selfish behavior - the very qualities we tried so hard to teach our children not to immolate or tolerate.