Author Topic: 3 way rift, long back story  (Read 5719 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline bdwell1904

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 60
    • View Profile
    • Prestige Personal Care
3 way rift, long back story
« on: October 15, 2011, 10:05:32 AM »
I don't even know where to start. DH and I went 2 hours away to await the birth of my GD. We were at the hosp. for over 20 hours waiting. Took my DM out to lunch at a nice place. Got shunned by DS MIL. Were kept from visiting in labor room, by said MIL every chance she got. Still we sat there humble, quiet, going along to get along. This has been my mot-is operand for several years now. Right before the birth, my DIL's GM told me to go back that I deserved to be there. GMIL had seen the way DIL's family had been treating me and didn't seem to like it. I went back, stood against a wall out of the way giving respect to DIL as it was her giving birth. My own DD came into the room and in the nastiest tone told me I could leave. (DD has been getting increasingly angry with me for past hurts for the last two months. She found out she was pregnant and moved up her wedding date to Oct. 30) I stayed anyway until DS said DIL needed her privacy. Fine, sure I was hurt, but said nothing and left. Part of the hurt was DIL's F was at the end of the bed to film the birth. Yes I said her Father. Yet I needed to leave for privacy. I went to waiting room pulled DH aside and was telling him what happened. DM came over and listened then pulled DH into hall. DM can get mental at times and go way off her rocker, yelling causing a scene. We know that's how she is and just try to ignore it. DM threatened him if I was told what she said he would be disowned. Then told him I abandoned them as children. DH got upset knowing this was totally not true. So as not to loose his temper walked away. DM kept trying to engage him. I went out to see what was going on he said he didn't want a scene so we left. GD was born within the hour. Our point of view was we could always see GD but a big blowout at hosp. couldn't be undone. DD sent some very nasty text the next day, Lots of lies and putting xH on a pedestal even though he hasn't been around in 10 yrs. DD said I left hosp. because she hurt my feelings. When I tried to explain what happened she got so ugly DH called and told her to learn some respect since I am her DM. DD got angry to the point of uninviting me to wedding. My DM tried to call and backpeddle with DH and act like she didn't say what she did. It was a big blowout over the phone. Now DH is totally disowned. I am estranged from my DM and DD wants nothing to do with me EVER. Haven't seen GD and DS won't answer his phone. I don't really have a question about what to do. I am riding the guilty train. If I am this hurt by DD how hurt is DM by me etc etc. I know in my heart I did what I thought was best, I didn't get ugly or nasty with any of the parties involved. I just tried to state my point and disengage. I guess I just needed to get it all off my chest. Thnx lovely ladies

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4398
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2011, 10:29:51 AM »
Bdwell, so sorry you are in the middle of all this drama. It's frustrating to try to please everyone and end up as the scapegoat! Story of my life, when will we ever learn?

Please step back, put the focus on you and DH and take good care of each other. I know you are aching for DS & GC, but right now it's not a safe place for you to go. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Doe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1278
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2011, 10:30:11 AM »
Whew!

Remember to breathe!

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1483
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2011, 01:31:26 PM »
Bdwell .........hard times when your own family are all at loggerheads.....heartbreaking for you ...detach and heal.......sending hugs your way .

Offline bdwell1904

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 60
    • View Profile
    • Prestige Personal Care
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2011, 07:35:33 PM »
ty so much dears

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2011, 08:36:07 AM »
So sorry bdwell.  It's hard to do all the right things, then end up feeling like the bad guy.  You and DH were the better people and I'm so glad you are supporting each other.  Concentrate on yourselves right now and know you did the right things.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cpr

  • Guest
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2011, 11:25:27 AM »
Ok- I know that you are hurting.  I also know that you genuinely seem to want things to be right within your family so I am going to say something that I hope will not offend or hurt you.  I am not trying to be rude or to make you feel bad, only point something out that I think you are overlooking.

You walked into your DIL's labor room without being invited.  You said that you stood against the wall to 'respect her privacy', but the moment that you walked in there knowing full well that you were not invited to do so you invaded her privacy.  I know that it doesn't seem fair (I can't believe she had her father of all people filming!) but think back to when you were in labor.  It is a tough, tough time.  You seem to have a strained relationship with your DIL and she probably didn't want anyone in there that would add to her stress.  I know that you wouldn't do anything to intentionally add to her stress, but during labor just someone's presence can do just that.

I personally do not understand inviting people in to view labor.  I didn't want anyone but my DH there, and honestly I wasn't too sure I wanted him there until the end.  Whether you like it or not, the person pushing is the one that determines what stresses them.  You made a big mistake her.  I really think you should apologize to your DIL.  I wouldn't mention her family being in there either.  Just tell her you were so excited about the new GC and looking back you see how it might have made her uncomfortable and you are sorry.

As far as your mother, I don't know what to tell you.  It sounds as though she is a tough one to deal with and you are doing the best you can.

Hang in there!

Offline pam1

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2321
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2011, 01:18:54 PM »
I had similar thoughts as cpr.  I'm not saying you don't have any right to feel hurt but you were also not invited. IMO, guests shouldn't be inviting anyone else either, so I'm  not sure why all those other family members were stirring the pot but they did no favors by you or the birthing woman.

Lots of chaos going on, I think it would be best to keep your relationships "cleaner."  For example, only accept invites for a DS/DIL function given by DS/DIL.  Talk to them directly if it is something that affects them directly.

As bad as I feel for you in this sitch, I feel ten times worse for that new little family.  The unneeded chaos that was created for no good reason on one of the most special days of their life, for shame.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline bdwell1904

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 60
    • View Profile
    • Prestige Personal Care
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2011, 01:50:36 PM »
I am not hurt by your comments but I will say there was an open invitation to goto the labor room. 4 tickets were available to be used and both families were told to share the tickets to support the BP. During the 22 hours of labor I  was offered a ticket 4 times, the IL kept them on their person. I never stayed over 5 minutes in the room and was never told by DS or DIL that at any time I would not be welcome.
CPR- to be honest when the GMIL told me to go back for the delivery I actually said to her I was not specifically invited for the delivery, but she insisted I go, as well as my father wanted to know why I was not going back since the IL were there.  I did take their ques and my desire and reacted. You are probably right that I should have stuck to my initial thoughts and stayed put unless ask. I don't always make the wisest decisions when very tired. In the south where I live, a birth is a celebration that is like a big event. DH didn't quite get it either till my younger sister explained it to him.
 I am about to pay off DS truck and will send him the title, and take your advice and apologize to DIL in a letter. I really in my heart do not feel as though I deserve what I am getting. I am woman enough to admit my wrongs and know I have many faults, but don't deserve this.
Pam1- don't feel to bad for them as they live with the IL's and have lots of attention. I hurt for my DS pain but that is between me and him.

Orly

  • Guest
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2011, 03:26:26 PM »
I have never understood the concept of birth as a spectator sport.  Nor the sense in hanging around the hospital for the baby to come, ala the 1950's and 60's.  Yes, hubby/daddy-to-be should be there....he is a big part of the process and after having the fun of making a baby, he needs to see just how much work it takes to bring it to completion.  I'm pretty sure neither set of grandparents to be were at the starting line, filming the action.  So filming the birth is just a tad grotty.  The few kids that I knew, who's births were filmed, didn't much care for them either.....and they destroyed them the first chance they got.

bdwell1904, correct me if I'm wrong, but everyone that was objecting to your presence in the room, had absolutely no say in the matter (Dil and son didn't mention it until others got po'd). With the cattle herd that was tromping around in that labor room, really, what was one more?  Your son asked you to leave for Dil's privacy....it seems he knew you would listen and comply without making a scene (hoping your example would clue in the others?).   He probably would have liked to toss the in-laws and his sister too, but didn't want to cause his wife stress ...on top of her labor. 

As to your son not answering his phone...he is either tired, overwhelmed, or herding cats trying to get things done.  I hope your daughter gets some therapy to realign her nose joint...before she heads towards that labor room herself.  She seems to have her priorities a bit bass-ackwards and could use some one-on-one time talking it out with a detached third party.

Offline pam1

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2321
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2011, 03:46:27 PM »
bdwell, I don't feel sorry for them for anything you've done, I feel sorry that their day was turned into a scene.  And with your update that they are living with your sons in laws, I feel even worse for them. What a trying time.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

cpr

  • Guest
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2011, 05:03:40 PM »
Ahhh...well that does change things a bit.  It sounds as though the other posters are right - their birth was hijacked!  I too live in the south, but no one I know has ever had an open invite into the labor room!  4 tickets to the big show!  Oh my.

Now that I know more I strongly suspect that once things were underway DIL deeply regretted allowing everyone in.  A birth is to be celebrated, but a new family needs time to settle as well.  DH and I did not allow any visitors when we had our child.  Yes, we got a lot of grief from some of our family, but every nurse on our floor told us that we were the calmest and happiest family they had due to the fact that it was just us.  One of the other new moms was walking the halls late one night crying her eyes out over the fact that she had not had one minute alone with her new baby.  It was so sad!

Unless DS has in some way informed you that he is not taking your calls out of anger it is quite possible that now that they are home they are simply ignoring everyone and trying to bond with baby.  I hope that this is the case.

Offline bdwell1904

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 60
    • View Profile
    • Prestige Personal Care
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2011, 05:59:51 PM »
After having been through this experience, I feel alot like ya'll. It's crazy to think it's such the norm here- there were 4 other families with  10 anywhere to 35 ppl waiting. I would have much rather spent the day visiting friends I rarely get to see and getting more sleep. Then I could have showed up and been the GM I see when I look in the mirror. Lessons learned. I hope my story can help someone else choose a better road if they find themselves in a similar situation. Thnx for all your input lovely ladies

Offline Ruth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 605
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2011, 06:19:16 PM »
I wouldn't take anything to heart that happens in a labor room.  I was with DD throughout labor & delivery for both g/s, but I can tell you its all about the baby, and it is an insane time when I think no one is thinking about who is in the room or what's being said.  Dear heart I hope you can just let these people bloody it out on their own, and step back awaiting your chance to just be a sweet and loving grandmother, this is your joy you have to anticipate.  The rest is history, and in a it will be old news.  It is worth turning the other cheek in order to achieve the payoff if it is possible, which is getting to enjoy your grandchild.  DD who was so rude to you, I don't know how to interpret this.  If she has something concrete to confront you with, rather than just a vague bomb she wants to throw, then I would open myself up to hearing her and trying to made peace and amends if possible.  You have a kind DH, and you only have today which is promised.  Try to focus on this and give your love and attention to those who are open to receive.  I would make an apology to DIL and send a lovely gift for the baby. 

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: 3 way rift, long back story
« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2011, 05:38:21 AM »
Don't beat yourself up bdwell.  I completely understand as that's how it's always been in my family and others here too (Southern Girl here as well).  You were just doing what everyone else was doing...following along with all the other family members and had the same invitation they did.   How were you to know that your invitation might be different when issued in bulk quantities?  You were doing what any loving, caring M/MIL/GM would have done in that setting.  Trying your best to be supportive without being intrusive.  Who knows.  If you hadn't showed up at all, thinking that was the right thing to do, you could be receiving messages now about how uncaring you were and unsupportive.

I'm so tired of playing the what-do-I-do-to-cause-the-least-amount-of-problems game.  I must have missed the part in the parenting manual that said as a Mother and MIL everything you do will be scrutinized and critiqued no matter which way you go.  I missed the section on how I was supposed to be a mind-reader for the rest of my life.  If you do what everyone else is doing, you're wrong.  If you think what everyone is doing is wrong, so you go another way which seems to be less intrusive, you're wrong. 

Be yourself bdwell.  You did the best you could under a difficult situation.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell