Author Topic: Wondering how you gals feel  (Read 6724 times)

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Marilyn

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2010, 08:41:06 AM »
Anna,i cry very easy too.And Chickie is right she sees you as weak.It's soooooooo hard,but I'm at the place,where i really,i mean this!!!don't think my DIL could say or do any thing to make me cry!!!I can cry so easy,for other people,little things i see on TV,reading sad things,hearing sad things.......but not any thing!!! my DIL can do or say.I have totally detached from her.I do not try to engage much with her,and if i do it's very superficial,nothing on a deeper meaningful level.

In my opinion,controlling people,have emotions also,but don't know how to express them in a healthy way,and they act out in inappropriate behaviour.

They want our sons to see us as weak,because thats negative.If they saw us as being just human,loving,caring Mothers,our sons would show us compassion,and that takes attention away from DIL.

When you share your feelings,you make your self vulnerable.
The less you share about your feelings,the less ammo she has to hurt you.
I never even share with my son any more,because he will tell her.

Marilyn

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2010, 09:16:25 AM »
Anna,you don't have to change your self.Just how you react to her.

Maybe try doing some web searches on how to detach,or find some books on that, if you like to read.I did learn a lot thru reading.

But this site,has helped tremendously!!!!!

Ask,ask,ask,learn as much as you can...........knowledge is power!!!

Thats why i say not to let DIL and son know how you feel,SHE will use that knowledge for power...........to benefit her.


When you get stronger,you might feel safer sharing feelings again.

RedRose

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2010, 10:59:40 AM »
I am also a person that crys very easily. My mother was, My sister is the same and my brothers also. We are emotional that way...and we have accepted the fact we will always be this way.
I cry when I'm sad, happy, see a sad movie, hear a sad story...see someone crying ( I don't even have to know that person)
Nothing I have read on the internet or anywhere can help me to stop. There is nothing..it's in my genes. I accept it is the way I am. My whole family accepts this is the way we are.

Some people Do see this as a sign of weakness. If they want to hurt you ...they know they can make you cry easily. This is one reason I don't like confrontation...it makes me cry. If I argue I cry...so I walk away. My way of dealing with it. They don't see the tears then.

Here's something I framed...it sits on my dresser...this is me:

                               
                                   Tears

People cry because the emotions that the human body
experiences can sometimes become so overwhelming
that the body actually weeps.


cremebrulee

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #33 on: February 12, 2010, 05:41:22 AM »
Quote from: Mominwaiting [quote
link=topic=337.msg7209#msg7209 date=1265903907]
Creme,what your DIL said about your son"Wull,usually he cant ride the horse,so i have to get on him to calm him down".I think....it's her wanting to feel superior,over him.Our DIL'S need to feel like they are better than ANY one.I don't think it was a jab at you,feeling proud of him.

I think your right....and no, I didn't take it personal...but I'm always shocked by her behavior...or at the moment, I can't understand what makes her go off like that...I mean, your standing there, admiring your grand daughter or son, and you by mistake, speak out loud...and she jumps down your throat for saying something loving? 

Quote
And isn't it hard to give genuine compliments to people that think they are superior?It's like you dont want thier heads to swell even more.But maybe it's what they really need if they are so insecure.

I know that my DIL is very insecure....however, I also believe there is an extreme territorial animal instinct about her....I have tried many times to feed her ego so to speak, asking her for recipes, which she never complied....she used to always tell me in front of my son, that she was going to send me perfume, never did....I'd tell her how pretty she was, and how I'm so glad my son had her, b/c she always used to support his decissions....or ask her fashion questions....etc....in front of my son, she is always so nice to me, however, she talks very little, and when he is not within ear shot, wow, what a snippidy creature she is....very controlling...very unaware of the feelings of others....nor, does she care....it's all about when she wants, when she wants and how she wants....if your listening to something on TV, she will sit down and turn it...or the radio....she has never been taught manners or how you treat quests....

I know she doesn't know any better, however, there is also a part of me, that knows she is doing these things deliberately....to let me know, I'm so not welcome.  And, to be honest, this is what she had been pushing for since this all started...I do know that now...she wanted to get so ticked off at me, to push me, so I'd act out....so she could say, "That's it, she is out of my life"....

Yanno, you are a family member, you walk into someone's home, your son's and DIL's and there are no pictures of you anywhere, that is a huge sign, especially if they have pictures of everyone else all over the house....

She lied to my son about events that happened between us when he wasn't around...

She is as strong as an ox...yet plays the victim very well to get my son to feel sorry for her...and he knows this, believe me, he does....

On the positive side, I've seen a side of her that is enjoyable to be around...not very often, as she makes certain, I know, I'm not welcome...she is difficult to talk to, your afraid...

I was afraid to love my son, to show him attention, to call him honey in front of her....to just be myself....I always fear saying something that is going to set her off....or displaying affection to my son...I found myself drawing back....

And I'll never forget, this caused so much damage, between my son and myself, that when he greeted me in the Airport, one time, God, I was so hurt, I could cry now...but he didn't hug me....he was like a stranger....and I was so glad to see him...but, what I think happened was, they were probably fighting b/c I was coming down and he felt so uneasy about my visit.

I get it now, but didn't get it then...and wish I had for his sake and peace of mind...I kept thinking she would see, that I loved her...and everytime I went down, if she couldn't find something negative about me, she'd make it up....

When I cut them off and out of my life for two years, I didn't just do that for me, but for my son as well...I felt as if his life would be easier if she thought I was out of it.  I wouldn't suggest anyone do it, unless you are very very strong, as it was the most difficult and despairing thing I've ever done, besides allowing him to go live with his father when he was older...Shhhesh, it is so hard to do...so hard...

But, regardless, I want to go to my grave, knowing I tried my best and did what is best for all of us, and not just me....

and I have, there is nothing more I can do or want to do....


cocobars

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #34 on: February 12, 2010, 05:56:19 AM »
Creme, your post was too long to quote, but is heartbreaking.  There is no doubt in my mind you cry over the situation, but I just believe some day your son is going to see and understand the hurt you feel (maybe even your DIL), and will come back to talk to you about it.  I see you as waiting out a very hard place in your life, but you will still see light somewhere at the end of this tunnel someday. 

I cry alot too, but I've learned over the years to hold it back until I'm alone.  The only problem with that is when you do hold back like that, then when the tears turn on they don't stop and there seems to be no way of making them.  I've had to make excuses (like we need milk, etc.) and left quickly to "go get whatever that is," only to come back much later with red- golf ball eyes.  It's hard to do.

You hang in there Creme!  We seem to all be criers here...

cremebrulee

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #35 on: February 12, 2010, 06:11:36 AM »
Creme, your post was too long to quote, but is heartbreaking.  There is no doubt in my mind you cry over the situation, but I just believe some day your son is going to see and understand the hurt you feel (maybe even your DIL), and will come back to talk to you about it.  I see you as waiting out a very hard place in your life, but you will still see light somewhere at the end of this tunnel someday. 

I cry alot too, but I've learned over the years to hold it back until I'm alone.  The only problem with that is when you do hold back like that, then when the tears turn on they don't stop and there seems to be no way of making them.  I've had to make excuses (like we need milk, etc.) and left quickly to "go get whatever that is," only to come back much later with red- golf ball eyes.  It's hard to do.

You hang in there Creme!  We seem to all be criers here...

Thanks coco....I don't mean to depress anyone, just writing my feelings...I'm not a crier...although you are right, I have cried...but tend to not be able to cry b/c of my past....oh, tears fall easily, but to have a good hard cry is hard....I'm embarrassed, the one time I talked to her on the phone when my son was on the other end, I cried...can you believe that...I cried....and was so embarrassed...and once while talking to my son, I had to hang up, as I was so upset....

He is constantly excusing her behavior...bringing up two or three things that I did wrong, constantly to almost convince himself that I am to blame, or that I am at fault for this to...and it makes me so angry, that he has compromised who he is, what his beliefs were, to have peace...

cocobars

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #36 on: February 12, 2010, 06:24:39 AM »

Thanks coco....I don't mean to depress anyone, just writing my feelings...I'm not a crier...although you are right, I have cried...but tend to not be able to cry b/c of my past....oh, tears fall easily, but to have a good hard cry is hard....I'm embarrassed, the one time I talked to her on the phone when my son was on the other end, I cried...can you believe that...I cried....and was so embarrassed...and once while talking to my son, I had to hang up, as I was so upset....

He is constantly excusing her behavior...bringing up two or three things that I did wrong, constantly to almost convince himself that I am to blame, or that I am at fault for this to...and it makes me so angry, that he has compromised who he is, what his beliefs were, to have peace...

I didn't see anything in your post that was depressing.  I believe you are following what's in your heart and trying to do what is in the best interests of everyone in your situation.  I can't say your DIL is doing that and if she does somday, I think you will both be in for a nice surprise!  From what you've stated, she's very insecure and in time I'm hoping that will desolve.  It's my hope that she will see that you are not a threat to her happiness.

Just a hope I have for you.  You deserve hope...

cremebrulee

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #37 on: February 12, 2010, 07:19:32 AM »

Thanks coco....I don't mean to depress anyone, just writing my feelings...I'm not a crier...although you are right, I have cried...but tend to not be able to cry b/c of my past....oh, tears fall easily, but to have a good hard cry is hard....I'm embarrassed, the one time I talked to her on the phone when my son was on the other end, I cried...can you believe that...I cried....and was so embarrassed...and once while talking to my son, I had to hang up, as I was so upset....

He is constantly excusing her behavior...bringing up two or three things that I did wrong, constantly to almost convince himself that I am to blame, or that I am at fault for this to...and it makes me so angry, that he has compromised who he is, what his beliefs were, to have peace...

I didn't see anything in your post that was depressing.  I believe you are following what's in your heart and trying to do what is in the best interests of everyone in your situation.  I can't say your DIL is doing that and if she does somday, I think you will both be in for a nice surprise!  From what you've stated, she's very insecure and in time I'm hoping that will desolve.  It's my hope that she will see that you are not a threat to her happiness.

Just a hope I have for you.  You deserve hope...

thanks coco, and hugs
but she will never change....

my son told me once, "if your waiting for  her to apologize, don't hold your breath"....and it actually wouldn't take an apology from her, just proof that she stop this foolishness of being jealous and hurting me on purpose....like sending back the birthday card and money....it would make our son's so happy if we could all just get along....

this is abusive....yanno?

It's also so very confusing to me, I don't get what these DIL's get out of hurting us, rejecting us....don't they realize, how much this hurts they're husbands?

Once I asked her that, that time we spoke on the phone, and said to her, "Don't you realize, how much this is hurting DS?" and she yelled, it's not about him, it's about you and me??????  God, I don't get how she thinks....how she perceives things....she is so totally out of my league...I just don't get it?  What is there to gain from being cruel, hateful and jealous?  Nothing?  Nothing....

« Last Edit: February 12, 2010, 07:27:26 AM by cremebrulee »

cocobars

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Re: Wondering how you gals feel
« Reply #38 on: February 12, 2010, 09:51:06 AM »
I understand your son making that comment.  It shows though, that he is aware of her flaws - even if he is "presently" making excuses for them.  However, I agree with you!  She doesn't really have to apologise.  Some people have a huge problem doing that, because I think they believe it's a sign of weakness, and maybe from her background, she actually believes if she shows those weaknesses, someone will use them (like she does with you).  I can only hope (and I'm sure you have already spent so much time doing just that), that she gets to that place where she can see "all sides," and not just to the end of her nose.  Maybe your son is hoping that too, but isn't saying anything (fear of her wrath!).

You are an "extremely" intelligent and compassionate woman.  Don't discount the fact that somewhere inside of his memory banks, he doesn't remember that about you and will someday want that relationship back.  DIL sounds very young and selfish.  Only time will break her of that.

I hope I'm right!  I know you do too!

Take care of you!