Author Topic: Jealousy  (Read 14691 times)

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Kate123

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #30 on: October 31, 2011, 09:08:34 AM »
Thank you all-  Sometimes you can get stuck in your own ways and need to hear some good advice. I am not going to accept the namecalling from now on- I will walk away, just as I would do if it were anyone else. About family standing up for you, I should have put it a little differently. Some people behave better in a group is what I meant. But after thinking about that I realize that it is about me standing up for myself- shouldn't need a group to get someone to behave as they should.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #31 on: October 31, 2011, 10:18:13 AM »
Kate, you are entirely sufficient - you can do this.   
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline Pen

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #32 on: October 31, 2011, 05:58:34 PM »
SesameJane, no I haven't been on an extended meditation retreat, but good idea for you over the holidays! It might be an amazing experience, just what you need as you explore the exciting new options for your life.

On being alone, I do wonder about being old and alone in a nursing home somewhere w/o any visible family around...I think those who have regular visitors or relatives who check in often get treated better. Not that the staff purposely ignores those who don't have anyone, but if you know someone might be dropping in you're more likely to make sure everything is taken care of correctly & on schedule.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Shelby

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #33 on: November 01, 2011, 07:56:09 PM »

Maybe that's it, AM. I don't feel as if I come out ahead in a comparison with DIL's FOO. I know DS loves us and wants to maintain our relationship, but DIL's FOO comes first now. I guess I'm not yet OK with that.


Pen - this is a late response -but you have to know that you are being too hard on yourself if you think you don't come out ahead in comparison with DILs FOO.  YOU know that you have the solid values - and that his in-laws are rather shallow.  He may not know it yet - he has some maturing to do - and your DIL may never come around - but your DS knows, and YOU know.  I think eventually you will be appreciated.  It may take years - but it will happen.   

Offline Begonia

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #34 on: November 12, 2011, 07:29:03 AM »
Haven't been to visit you wonderful WW for awhile, but today I needed some stability and the jealousy thread just pulled me in.  Kate123 I really can relate to so much of what you have written---stay strong and don't ever let anyone put you down...most of us have been there, done that, and now are trying to recover from discounting ourselves. Being alone is quite comfortable--there is no more chaos in my life, no more roller coaster, no more handing out money.  But, I am still jealous of my DS inlaws and the time he spends with his MIL (poor, pityful, helpless thing....ACK!!).   

Speaking of the green eyed monster, it is rearing its head in my life.  I have been having some up and down times with thinking of the holidays, etc.  My DS and DD are being nice and are being cordial, but as I have written I drew a boundary last summer and I have been strong about keeping it (no groveling, no poor me, no begging to see GC) and alas, my DS and DD have been reaching out.  So that is where I leave it, even though I would love to invite myself like I used to do.  I stop myself and get busy.  Have just gotten back from one trip and have signed up for another.   YES, Kate, spend the money!!!

Yesterday I got an email from DS saying he is coming through a town 20 miles from here because he is hauling stuff for his MIL and we could meet.  I am working and so I was not going to drive 20 miles...can't he do that much?  So I said he could meet me here after I get off work and I suggested a place at the edge of my town and he can easily connect through that road on his way home. I have driven all over H and gone for him over the years, now DS and DD can put in the effort.  Am I being nasty?  Frankly, this is where the jealousy comes in---he can drive umpteen miles (600 RT) for the MIL but can't drive the 20 miles for me?   Baloney on that is what I felt. 

So I am ok if he says no.  Another time he was cleaning out MIL cabin and he suggested the same thing and I wasn't working so I met him in that town 20 miles away. I feel stubborn now and afraid that if I agree to this, like I used to agree to everything and then numerous times he would call at the last minute to say he wouldn't be there.  No more of that.  I feel in a bit of a snit and thought I had this pretty much under control, but I don't like the MIL, she is completely manipulative.  Yet I do feel sorry for her because her husband (DS FIL) is in prison again for DUI..he pulled a gun on the sheriff when they came to pick him up.  It makes my stomach sick to think of how my son has to caretake his DW and his MIL besides being a rock and a wonderful dad for their two children.  Still, what am I?  Chopped liver?   ;D ???   

Hmmmm, WW, I guess there is some resentment here for me to work on....Sigh.  Lifetime work.  Suggestions are appreciated, or a good talking to....lol.  Bless you all and my admiration to all of you for how you walk the path and how brave all of you are.  Love all around....
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline Doe

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #35 on: November 12, 2011, 07:54:31 AM »
Oh, I've been on the other end of this where I've driven 1000 miles and a relative wouldn't drive a few miles to see me.  I would be tickled pink if my son asked me to meet him 20 miles away.

Offline Begonia

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #36 on: November 12, 2011, 08:43:37 AM »
Doe:  I agree with you.  I am delighted that my son wants to see me and by typing my post I realize that the issue is more complicated than just that.  I need to get rid of my resentment about the whole deal and that my DS spends more time with his MIL than he does with me.  But perhaps he is reporting in to his DW and since she is not very warm toward me this is the only way he can see me and keep peace with her. I am going to try to be more open about it.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline Doe

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #37 on: November 12, 2011, 10:24:06 AM »
I hear ya.  For a while after DIL dumped me, my son made a point of staying in touch with me and those were treasured moments!

Offline Pen

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #38 on: November 12, 2011, 11:25:59 AM »
If DS were driving hundreds of miles on business, or for a wedding or whatever and asked me to drive 20 miles to meet up, I'd be thrilled. If his ILs were the reason he was driving umpteen miles in the first place, I'd be less than thrilled. They drive many miles a week to see DIL's FOO. He can put out a little effort to see me.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Begonia

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #39 on: November 12, 2011, 04:44:32 PM »
Pen:  That's IT!!  You got it!  As far as I know, DS's IL have not ever done one thing for him except cause distress and chaos.  And as his mother, I know what kind of excuses, lies and other bad behavior have put up with from him over the years.  So I guess I am not willing to always go 3/4 or 9/10 or 150% anymore.  Thanks for being such a wise woman and dispelling my guilt over these stupid 20 miles. (I will run to you wherever you are darling, over rocks and fire and dog doo doo...NO, no longer.) My gut feeling was that he can drive here to see me and after giving it some thought, I am going to maintain that stance. It might send a message, contrary to other messages I have sent over the years, that YES, I am important too. If not for me struggling in that labor room he would not be hauling anybody's "Stuff."   I will not "labor" over him any more.  Done, enough.  I am woman, I am strong.  Thank you, Pen...love to you. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline Pen

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #40 on: November 12, 2011, 04:55:45 PM »
Begonia, when I get that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm being used I need to heed it. What cured DH & me was the last time we helped DS & DIL move. Never again!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Kate123

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #41 on: November 12, 2011, 05:10:32 PM »
Begonia, it must be something in the air. I too have decided I am not going anywhere (for visits). It seems that I am expected to do all the running and the visits are not reciprecated (sp?). My DS also offered to meet me at a mall where they were planning to do the day. He and DIL spend weekends (every weekend) going to visit this one and that one, but for me they will meet me at the mall, I don't think so. I would like to have visitors to and have a regular day a Grandmas now and then but I am not asking anymore.

I think you are also right about the holidays, each day that approaches and gets closer I feel more sad. I am going to go online tomorrow and look at trips over the holidays. I will have to go alone and I have never done anything like that before so it is a bit scary, but if i don't do something I think I will loose my mind.

Offline Begonia

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #42 on: November 12, 2011, 06:25:29 PM »
Yea Kate!!  I always travel alone and you meet the most exceptionally wonderful and interesting people who are just doing their thing too.  I often wonder why there aren't more places for singles over the holidays.  Anyway, I know what you mean about the sadness.  Instead of fighting it I just let it roll over me, cry a bit if I feel like it and it passes.  I am headed on a trip right after New Years and that keeps my mind busy right now.  I am going to start a thread with suggestions of places to go and things to do so this thread isn't railroaded....
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline Nana

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #43 on: November 14, 2011, 12:14:21 AM »
Begonia:

I am sure your decision not to travel 20 miles to see your DS is dignant.   He has to know somehow that you deserve more than that.  You need to raise your self-esteem, and running to meet him will not help you at all.  You are First Class Mom.... if he wants to see you, have him come to you.   

I cannot understand how your dil doesnt act differently with you, since your son is such a good son in law to her parents...ughs... it makes me mad. 

You will feel better when you say "no"  believe me.   Is it possible to let him know how you feel?

Wishing you good luck!

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Begonia

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2011, 03:29:13 PM »
Thank you Nan....your post brought tears to my eyes for how caring it was.  And I agree.  It's time he acknowledged that his own mom is important too.  Unless I stamp my foot and say so, he will continue to treat me like I am at the end of the line.  Love back atcha'. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)