What would you say, if anything - please advise

[PatiencePlease]

I am new here and am very grateful to have found this site.  It's nice to know I'm not alone.  I have an adult son in his early twenties.  He did not graduate college - he has been working since he dropped out one year ago.  After this one year "grace period" and just loaning him $1000 for a car repair, we decided he needed to take over his expenses.  The Bank of Mom and Dad is officially closed. Mr. Entitled (let's just call him that) decided we were being unfair so he stopped coming home at night.  A few days later he calls to announce he's moved into an apartment with a friend.  He only took some of his clothes and his laptop.

He has called very sporadically since then -- only when he has gotten into a financial dilemma.  A month ago he had gotten state notification there was no record of his car insurance (he stopped paying) and he needed to take immediate action or his license would be suspended.   I called to give him this message.  He started spewing hateful things at me because I explained this was his problem to deal with not mine.  I ended the conversation when his words became insulting and hurtful.

Since then he did talk to my husband (his dad) and my husband told him he owed me an apology.  Mr. Entitled glossed over that part of the conversation and explained he was taking his car off the road and turning in the plates.  It would be kept off the street at his apartment.  A second time a couple of weeks later he called my husband again and said he had taken care of the insurance.  It was all a lie.

He got another notice (he had his mail forwarded to his new address) and proceeded to call us up about it.  The state set a deadline within the next week or his license is suspended.   We did not "bite the bait" to bail him out -- he's got to figure this out himself.   (He's working - I don't know where he's spending all his money.)

Once again he started to spew at me but not before he told me he's stopping at the house to pick up the rest of the stuff he needs "and whatever I leave behind you can go ahead and throw out -- family pictures, everything, I don't care." He then started getting nasty again saying it's unfortunate it has come down to this that we choose not to give him any support.....  At that point I blew up at him and told him we had supported him and he had treated me poorly.   I was not about to subject myself to his insults once again and hung up on him.

I will be home when he stops by later this week to pick up his stuff.  I don't plan to engage him in any conversation but I'm wondering if I should write him a brief note as he leaves just to say "I hope you figure everything out for yourself.  Just remember we do love you and when you are ready to pick up this relationship and work on repairing it, we'll be ready."

Should I just say nothing??  Any other advice would be gratefully received.

[bdwell1904]

I can't give you my advice as I am going through something similar... but my DMIL told me to step back, keep my mouth closed and start taking care of me for a change. It is killing me but I am taking her advice. I am tired of being hurt. Hope it gives you something useful. My DMIL is very smart.

[PatiencePlease]

Thank you for sharing Bdwell.   I know in my head that I  need to stay strong and stick to my boundaries.  But my heart is breaking because he's been so irresponsible and could be in more serious trouble than he already is...

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my heart......

Thank you again Bdwell

[PatiencePlease]

Bdwell - how long have you been going through this similar tough time?  Are you beginning to see any signs of hope?

[Doe]

Hi Patience -

Step way back from this and resume breathing if you can! 

It sounds like he's lurching off into his own life and and neither one of you was ready for it.  He sounds upset because he wasn't prepared to handle himself but now he has too.  I'm sure he know you love him so I don't think you need to remind him at this point.

I know this is difficult!  Take care of yourself and let him go.  I think if you'll try to be calm and not point out how he's messing up, you have a better chance of repairing the breach later.

That's what I would do. 

[Pen]

Patience & Bdwell, welcome to the site. Lots of wisdom here from women with similar situations.

If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened under Open Me First on the home page. Your posts are fine, we ask everyone to read this to make sure the site is a good fit for them.

Keep reading and posting. Glad you're here!

[lancaster lady]

PP.....

Stay cool calm and collected !
I know you think you will never see him again .....but you will , trust me .
He thinks you will collapse into floods of tears and forgive him anything , well don't .
Respect is needed here , so wait until you receive some .
He has to grow up and fast . They only seem to learn by their own mistakes , so let him !

[PatiencePlease]

Thank you for your support.  Reading your responses first thing in the morning was a good way to start my day.

[Pooh]

Welcome PP.  I agree with everyone else, although it's so hard because we don't want to leave things this way.  When he comes over, I would have everything boxed up and waiting at the door.  Tell him that "he" can go through everything and throw away or donate what he doesn't want.  Don't take the bait of letting him dictate what "you" are going to do.  Tell him that, and there is nothing wrong with you finishing it with "I love you and hope you work all this out", then walk off.  Don't engage outside of that.

You are doing the right thing.  I am always amazed at how many kids think they are now adults, move out but expect the parentals to continue supporting them.  He made a choice, he now needs to deal with it.

[Keys Girl]

Hi Patience, I agree with Pooh, I would box everything up, leave it on the front porch so he can take it and let him go through it.  The line about "not needing family photographs" is a manipulative nasty remarks, but don't take the bait, he's looking for the chink in your "armor".

Your line about him calling on when he's in financial difficulty is the red flag for me.  I would encourage him to enjoy his new place and say I love you, but leave it at that, under no circumstances would I write him a note, I think he's in "I'm leaving, so there" mode, and I think you'll find that once you stop worrying about his responsibilities, you'll have a more peaceful life "so there back to him".  i would have a short time frame with an appointment to get a massage or pedicure after he leaves.  I don't want to offend you but I would have my locks changed before he arrives.   He or his new found irresponsible "friends" and/or other strangers don't need access to your home.

The only way he'll learn to be responsible is to be faced with the consequences of his actions or inactions. Baby birds don't learn how to fly sitting in the nest.  I'm told sometimes the mothers kick them out.

Good luck, he'll pull on every heartstring, but in the long run he's gonna learn how to pull up his big boy panties (or not).  Time will tell, that's his decision.  While I'm still have ongoing hostilities with my son, I've been surprised over the years by his common sense and ability to plan ahead for his own trips, etc. if I just stay out of the picture and let him do his own thing.

[PatiencePlease]

Thank you SO much for all your responses.  Pooh, I appreciate your advice to turn the tables around and tell him what to do - not the other way around.  Good point.  Lancaster Lady - thanks for reminding me about needed respect.  I'll keep that focus.  Doe, he wasn't ready to move out financially but he elected to do this all on his own.  As for me and H, we like an empty nest and not dealing with his daily drama.  Keys Girl - I agree about the security but we've decided to change the alarm code not the key (less effort on our part).  In all honesty, I don't think he's going to pull up the big boy panties -- I think he's going to dig himself down further into a hole.  I've seen this happen with him before.  Only this time there is no one to drag him out of the hole.  I'm praying he takes time to think about everything and things start to click -- including the maturity chip in his brain.

Unfortunately I didn't sleep well last night, but I'll work on that.  When I don't hear from him for awhile I sleep like a baby.  Once that phone rings I can feel the blood pressure spike before I even answer the phone.

I am going about my business as best I can and I am working on not giving him too much "head space" right now.  It's too distracting.

Thank you again to all for your warm welcome and advice.  I'm going to print this out so my H can read this too.

~"PP" 

[pam1]

Oh I definitely agree, box it up and put it on the porch.  It does two things, you won't have to be uncomfortable in your own home and the room will be taken care of.  No shenanigans about coming back for more, leaving stuff in there for you to throw away etc.  It'll be *done*  If he chooses not to take the boxes you can sit it out by the curb. 

Oh and welcome

[bdwell1904]

Pen ty you for welcoming me. Have done read me first...I know it's invaluable for understanding a site thnx.

PP the middle of Aug. when DH(SF)  and I went to move my DD all was wonderful.  We, her cousin, and brother's were the only one's at that time she could count on. Fast forward 3 weeks- she found out she is pregnant and decided to move up their wedding date to 6 weeks hence. Over the course of the next few weeks I quickly started becoming the one for her to throw her stress and anger on. I'm an elder caregiver which is a highly stressful job, that I love , and she was adding stress to me treating me so mean. I kept telling myself... yes I'm tenderhearted, she's pregnant, planning a wedding etc. etc.
Jump to Sept. 25 DH and I drive the 2 hours to sit at the hosp. for the birth of DS's child. Everyone's up all night and day. DIL's parents keep taking and holding  the only(4) tickets to go into the labor room to visit. We just sit back and keep our mouths shut. DH has to sit and watch the IL treat me as if I don't even belong there. Right before the delivery part- 22 hr.s later DIL grandmother gives me a ticket to go back saying "you belong back there" . My DD comes in the room and in the nastiest tone I've ever heard says "you can leave now". I goto the waiting room, pull DH to the side and start telling him what happened. My DM comes over listens for a minute. I say it's been a long day everyone's tired let's just drop it. DM pulls DH into the hall and starts to threaten him and telling him I abandoned them when they were children. NOT true - their DF has seen and talked to them maybe 5-6 times since the divorce 10 yr.s ago. I have always been there. Maybe not always how they thought they needed, but always had my door open and at every function I could get too. To keep from having a big embarressing blowout at the hosp. DH and I leave. I can always see DGD but a big scene at the hosp. can't be taken back. So we get home to text msg. of how we acted so badly and none of them want anything to do with us ever again, uninvited to wed. DD msg. all kinds of lies. We are still paying on DS's truck, just spent tons on DD wed. It's bad. So PP, I truly know how badly your heart is aching. I take peace in the fact that DH and I have a great life, and greater love.

[PatiencePlease]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and good advice.  I just wanted to come back here to tell you how it went.   I didn't clean out his room for him and put his things aside.  I was too busy with work and quite frankly I didn't feel like going through his stuff.

He showed up with the friend he lives with.  I had never met this friend before (I knew he's been in my son's life for well over a year, I just never met him) so I introduced myself to him.  He was polite.  Son was distant but was polite - he held his tongue.  He told me he had forgotten to bring the house key -- he doesn't keep it on his key ring anymore.  I told him he needs to drop it off -- right through the mail slot in the front door.  I told him we must be home if he wants to get in.  I informed him he can't get into the house with it unless he wants to set off the alarm -- we've reset the alarm code and password.

He and his friend took some of his stuff, but not all.  Told me he was in a rush and would have to come back another time to get the rest.  I told him he would have to call first.  If I decided I was going to go into the room to clean it out I will give him warning before it's all thrown out.

I know, I know.   Things are left hanging.  I should have been more firm. Having his friend with him didn't help -- I didn't want to get into too much with him being there.

The door to his bedroom is closed again.  I don't expect to hear from him but this chapter still is not closed.  In all honesty, I'm tired of his drama and don't want to deal with it.

I don't expect to hear from him.  If he's stupid enough to try to come into the house when we're not home the police will come.  My gut tells me he won't do that.

My gut is also telling me this is not over.  Should I see on my caller id on my cell that he's trying to call me, I plan to hit "ignore."  I'm just not in the mood to go there again.

And I enjoyed a wonderful peaceful weekend with my husband away from home.  Thank you Bdwell for reminding me of cherishing the wonderful moments.  It does hurt terribly, but I won't let that hurt shadow the many blessings.

[Doe]

Hm - As I read this, I thought that it sounds like a work in progress - like he wasn't ready to cut it all off by taking everything and returning the key.

I have a feeling that when you get some distance from him, it's going to be better.