GF Did Not Respond to email for a convenient time to visit baby GD

[triplelace]

   Some of you have been replying to my postings around the situation (that's surreally out
  of hand) about the GF (with new baby) not wanting me around.  For those new to this
  crazy situation, I am sure this was her intent b4 she met me.  So I am not taking it personally
  just can't believe there isn't something I can do to make it right.  And yet my heart knows
  the strength of her intent, which probably will end up meaning I will just have to accept it.

  I wrote her an email and posted the contents on this site.  She has not replied.
  My next plan is to go over there this saturday if it is possible for me to do so.

  I will try to mediate b4 going over there, I hope to keep it simple and direct and based on the strength of her intent, I am probably not going to even be let in.  But I feel I must at least
make an attempt.

thanx again

[Sassy]

This posting update was in the category "DIL or Son in Laws" parents, so I almost missed it.

Your DIL is not ready to respond.  That's why she didn't.  There is not a deadline.  Your DIL does not have the same sense of urgency in resolution.  Keep in mind the baby is still young.  Patience is your friend.

Instead of just showing up univited at their house Saturday,  I would suggest contacting your Son.  Invite them over or invite them to meet you out.  Although soliciting a invitation is not as preferable as issuing one yourself, if you are determined to go to their house, it would be far better to ask him for a day and time he'd like to have you by.  I think sending someone a note telling her you'd like to come over when you're invited, then a week or two later not doing so, may send the opposite of message you intended to send.  It says, "Even if you don't invite me, you can't stop me from coming".  It would let her know your letter was not sincere, in the sense it really didn't matter if she invited you or not.

My fear is that being rude by just showing up at someone's house when not invited is not going to help you reach your goals.

[Doe]

I didn't respond before because you didn't seem to be looking for input - but I agree with Sassy. 

You know that you are not welcome there now. How can forcing a visit better the situation?

[Pooh]

I debated on where to move this to because it is also about your GD, but I decided to put it here since I truly believe your DS is the one who you are going to have to try to talk to about your situation if GF will not respond.

I totally agree with the others triple.  I know you feel like you need to go over there to show you care, but it truly is going to be seen as intrusive after receiving no response.  I think you need to give them some space and then contact DS like Sassy said and do an invite of some sort.

You already said that the likelihood is they will not even let you in, so why do you want to do this so badly since your instinct is already telling you is going to go badly?

[Orly]

  I wrote her an email and posted the contents on this site.  She has not replied.
  My next plan is to go over there this saturday if it is possible for me to do so.


triplelace,
Umm, she has replied...by not responding to your email, she is telling you she doesn't want to deal with you, without coming out and saying she doesn't want to deal with you.  If you go on over uninvited anyway, you may end up with a restraining order.

Sassy suggested a good alternative in issuing an invitation yourself, to your son....afternoon tea, or perhaps meeting for coffee at a restaurant.  Neutral ground might be better all around. 

[lancaster lady]

triplelace :

Why humiliate yourself if you know you might be turned away ?
I urge you to back off completely and let the dust settle .Wait for that invite , why go when you know
you are not welcome ?
Wild horses couldn't drag me there if I knew I wasn't wanted .
Go out for the day and keep busy , keep up contact with your son , and wait ......please !

[pam1]

Tripleplace, I agree with the others.  IMO, if you do go over there uninvited you will not only hurt yourself but hurt any healthy progress you can make in your situation.  What strikes me is that you already *know* that showing up invited is a bad idea and will likely not end well.  Why are you so willing to hurt yourself?

[Pen]

TripleLace, I agree with the others but I totally understand the emotions behind your actions. Please understand that if your goal is a good relationship with DS & GF is what you really want so you can have access to GC, being pushy or emotional will not get you what you want.

It is unfair, I get it. I've been there, still am there in many ways. But it is the way it is. You must keep your eyes on the prize. If the prize is DS and GC, stay away until you are invited. If the prize is telling them how their actions affect you, go ahead - but know that you may lose what you claim to be most important to you. What are you willing to risk?

[Pooh]

Triple, please don't feel like we are ganging up on you...we want to help and many of us have done things just like you are wanting to do (raises hand) and learned our lessons.  I didn't go over uninvited, but I had conversations that I wish I could take back that were considered intrusive.  We really are trying to help.

[Keys Girl]

TripleLace, if you don't have an invitation, it's not wise to show up.

It's not fair that they aren't giving you an invitation but that's them, if you follow their lead it will likely escalate the situation into a more volatile state and you would likely be the "sacrificial lamb".

If you thought this was her intent beforehand, you are likely right, but you can accept it with grace and fortitude and hope that the circumstances will improve. 

I would go somewhere else on Saturday, some place that you like, a calm peaceful lake, and enjoy the invitation of the rest of the globe to enjoy your company.

My mother used to tell me that "everything comes to he who will but wait"........and that is often the case in my experience.

[Rose799]

TripleLace, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  Many of us, myself included, have been in your shoes.  It hurts so much, especially when a gc is involved.  Your health & wellbeing need to take priority though.  Please don't stoop to the levels that I did & wind up being nothing but a place for dc to wipe their feet.  It pained me greatly after babysitting gs for 2 years to step back & make no contact.  That meant no phone calls, no e-mails, no invitations on my part, etc.  It took about 8 mos. for dd to even take notice.  When she complained about having to make all the arrangements, I told her that after inviting them for over a year, we gave up & decided we'd see them when she opted to be seen.  Though the situation isn't great now, she is making more of an effort.  Stand tall & let dc see that you can & will go on without them if need be.  We're here for you, TL...  (hugs)

[Ruth]

Triplelace, I understand how you feel.   Some of us have such a sense of urgency, that is is nearly impossible to get past it, it becomes a type of obsession.  I say this because a few years ago when the rift happened between MIL and myself, I was hammering ds day after day, to get a way to fix the problem.  It was ugly, for a long time.  At one point, he told me, 'Ruth, the problem with you is you want everything in life to happen in your time frame, and I'm sorry but this is one of those many things that isn't going to happen that way'.  This is very hard to accept in life.  But the sooner we come to terms with it the better.  We can't 'make' another person want to reconcile, love, forgive, give, take, talk, work, eat, study, and on and on.  I've had to learn to shush down my drive to make something happen, and tolerate the feelings of not getting what I wanted.  The old irish saying, ' honey your wants would fill up a paddock and come up weeds!'.  ...well, you just have to wait precious one.  Every time you try to force, you push the goal farther back.  Wait for the world to turn around in your favor.  And have faith that that time will come.

[triplelace]

beautifully put

[Ruth]

uh oh sorry what I meant to say was ....trying to get dh to fix the problem (ds not involved in this one)  !!!

[BlueEyes]

Triplelace, I have read through everyones post.  I am fairly new and struggling with the whole process of dealing and interacting with my YDD.

I would like to share one of my own past experiences with my ODD.  My DH and I went to my ODD and DSIL's house without notice or invitation... bad idea.  We thought we would surprise them with Thanksgiving dinner.  We arranged to stay at a local motel.  We were just taking them the dinner, short visit because I missed my ODD and first GS sooooo muuuuch.  My ODD did not talk to me for months and let me know in no uncertain terms that they did not appreciate us showing up unannounced and uninvited.  My ODD had things she was dealing with and was not able to have us add to the mix.  In hindsight I understand how she was feeling.  If I had known, I would not have followed through with what we thought was a positive surprise.

I would definitely say give your DS and DIL time and space.  In the long run, I think everyone will be much better off.

I understand wanting to make something happen when you want it to happen but life just doesn't seem to work that way... especially with our AC.   

Warm thoughts and wishes are being sent...I know how difficult all this is...only because I have been there and am there right now...dealing with AC issues and my own issues as well...