Author Topic: Acceptance - Our Safe Place  (Read 1501 times)

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cocobars

  • Guest
Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« on: January 10, 2010, 05:57:50 AM »
I need to address something that happened a couple of days ago on another thread which really bothered me.  It upset me for the MIL and the DIL who were responding.  One of the DIL’s complained that another MIL had been calling her own DIL’s names on this site, and told the MIL that she wouldn’t want anything to do with that MIL if she had called her such names.  Being of unsound mind, I didn’t know how to react to such a “blame throwing” post, so I made light of it.

This is why I took offense to the DIL.  This site is for MIL’s who are trying to work through a pretty tough life changing situation for them.  Their sons or daughter’s have gotten married and started a new life with someone who doesn’t always want them included in their new lives, even though this is their son/daughter.  As we are ALL mothers (DIL’s and MIL’s alike), I believe this site is a safe place for all of us to come discuss our problems.  Blame throwing and confrontation isn’t welcome and doesn’t belong here, and I hope everyone here realizes that we are not perfect.  What that means, is that from time to time we will say bad things about our DIL’s, even call them names.  That is not something we would like to openly do with them, because we really do love the DIL’s and are here because we WANT that relationship.

The DIL’s are people our own son’s have chosen to spend their lives with, and we are respectful of that.  Most of us are here because we want to have a relationship with our DIL’s because of that.  Also, the DIL’s here give us another view of the “whole picture” that may be helpful to us.  I think I can speak for most of the MIL’s on this site when I say DIL’s are welcome here and their opinions are not only valuable to us, but many of them have helped us immensely.

This should be a safe place for us to work on us.  What that means is that we are going to say bad things about our DIL’s.  The things we say here are said out of frustration and would never be said “in the face” of our DIL’s that we care about.  I am here because I don’t want my family to “diss” my DIL just because I’m hurt because of a behavior she has.  This is a much safer place to say such things, without causing more pain or being disruptive.

This is a wonderful site.  It is Luise’s “nest egg.”  She had this idea and brought it to life for us, because she recognized our specific need for this “safe place” to work on ourselves and help us all as mothers.  We are tearing this wonderful ideal down when we become confrontational here.

So when you walk through this door, please be respectful of the others who are here with you, and come in with an open heart and mind.  Many of us here are fragile.  Please take that into consideration when you respond to someone.  It will make this place so much more meaningful if we just simply recognize that each of us may have our problems, but none of us should be judged by what we say.  We all need to be accepted.  We all want help – or we wouldn’t be here, and all of us are here for guidance.  We are not professional psychologist.  We are a support group and that’s all we need to do.  Support and try to guide eachother.

I’m sorry this is so lengthy.  Please let me know what you think, and/or if I missed anything. 

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2010, 06:13:12 AM »
Very wise, understand and logical post Coco, thank you...

I'd also like to add, that we all have ups and downs...and on those downs, we, in our minds, DIL's and MIL's alike, re-live situations that have happened...and first we are hurt, then anger sets in...and when the anger sets in...yes, we might name call...everyone does it...it's human nature...so, unless someone is being brutally obscene...I would say, let them vent...they're hurt, angry, confused, and while it is perhaps not the best way to go, we've ALL been there...at one time in our lives or many...

Coco, your a dearheart!

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2010, 06:15:44 AM »
Thanks creme

2chickiebaby

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Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2010, 06:18:41 AM »
You are a dear heart, Coco..... :(

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2010, 06:34:35 AM »
Nobody here deserves to be torn down.  We are all here for the same reason.

AND WE BROUGHT ALL OUR BAGGAGE!

Hugs to you!

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2010, 07:20:30 AM »
I don't want to belabor this point about 'hammering' others but maybe none of you know this but when some MILs were on other sites, begging DILs for help, they would PM each other, planning their condescending remarks they were going to make and then make them together in unison.  They would then pick at the MILs, calling them names of all kinds and mostly belittling them till the MILs sort of limped off or were banned. 

It's a devastating feeling and one that I would never want to see here.  I know it won't happen here because we're not like that in any way. We are here like Coco said with all our baggage and we get extremely frustrated so out it comes on our safe place, just as the DILs have many, many safe places.... just as Luise and I had hoped.   

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2010, 07:30:19 AM »
Quote
2chickiebaby
I don't want to belabor this point about 'hammering' others but maybe none of you know this but when some MILs were on other sites, begging DILs for help, they would PM each other, planning their condescending remarks they were going to make and then make them together in unison.  They would then pick at the MILs, calling them names of all kinds and mostly belittling them till the MILs sort of limped off or were banned. 


Yanno, I suspected that, I was posting...and mentioned that my memory is bad b/c I have MS...one of the Dil's came in and posted something, I don't remember what? But another DIL came in and hammered those girls for making fun of me, b/c I have MS...which at that time I thought was strange...but in the end...that DIL was coming to my defense...and they all went after her and then closed the thread...so yanno Chickie...I believe this is really true...

and by the way, THAT is so evil....cruel and heartless
can you imagine what they're MIL's go thru?  Sheesh? 

What really makes me very angry is the fact that one of the monitors of one of those websites, used to come after me, follow me to antoerh website, asking me to come back that things would be different...and yanno, I now believe, she did it on purpose, b/c the site wasn't getting any hits, so the girls would push my buttons, and man, people started coming into that site...and she'd allow them to really hammer me...and then when I got angry and came back defensive, she'd close the thread down..after she had her say?????????? Mean, just down right mean...

« Last Edit: January 10, 2010, 07:36:05 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2010, 07:39:56 AM »
I saw what they did to you, Creme.  It was beneath contempt!! You came back with your kindness and they kicked you in the face.  One of the sites is closed down now.  I saw them hammer you till I couldn't believe you'd come back and take it.  I came to your defense a couple of times but they banned me before I could help. 

It's disgusting what they can call us, do to us and the hatred they have.  No wonder they have trouble with their inlaws.

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2010, 07:43:15 AM »
I didn't know, but I am happy we had some other supporters reading the same thread.  That's just cruel.  It could have been what happened there.  The comments made had nothing to do with the post.

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2010, 07:56:07 AM »
I saw what they did to you, Creme.  It was beneath contempt!! You came back with your kindness and they kicked you in the face.  One of the sites is closed down now.  I saw them hammer you till I couldn't believe you'd come back and take it.  I came to your defense a couple of times but they banned me before I could help. 

It's disgusting what they can call us, do to us and the hatred they have.  No wonder they have trouble with their inlaws.

why do they hate so much?  I don't understand that?

and yeah, I surely was a glutton for punishment...

chickie, thanks for trying to help me...that was not only kind, but very brave of you do do that

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2010, 08:20:03 AM »
Creme, they are very unhappy people whose only life is made up of bashing someone.  We're an easy, easy target.  If they did cause so much hatred and heartache, I'd feel sorry for them.

They mention how unhappy we are and think that's the root of our problem as MILs....no, it's not that at all....it's them and their need for absolute control that sons are unable or unwilling to do anything about.

Yes, they are big boys but no one can stand up to: "if Momma ain't happy"....they must keep their wives happy at all cost.

RedRose

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2010, 11:22:53 AM »
I didn’t know how to react to such a “blame throwing” post, so I made light of it.

I believe this site is a safe place for all of us to come discuss our problems.  Blame throwing and confrontation isn’t welcome and doesn’t belong here, and I hope everyone here realizes that we are not perfect. 

This should be a safe place for us to work on us. 

We are tearing this wonderful ideal down when we become confrontational here.

So when you walk through this door, please be respectful of the others who are here with you, and come in with an open heart and mind.  Many of us here are fragile.  Please take that into consideration when you respond to someone.  It will make this place so much more meaningful if we just simply recognize that each of us may have our problems, but none of us should be judged by what we say.  We all need to be accepted.  We all want help – or we wouldn’t be here, and all of us are here for guidance.  We are not professional psychologist.  We are a support group and that’s all we need to do.  Support and try to guide each other.
 


Thanks for saying that coco....



cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Acceptance - Our Safe Place
« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2010, 11:29:19 AM »
Anytime...