Author Topic: I have a question  (Read 2121 times)

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2chickiebaby

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I have a question
« on: January 07, 2010, 01:05:54 PM »
I really need some help on this.  Last summer we all went to a overnight stay with all the kids and DILs and Sons.

CDIL (close DIL) was so mean to our other son. (I can't say what she did)  I saw it and saw how it hurt he and his kids were.  Course, her husband, my son didn't know anything about it.

CDIL started treating DDIL really nice. She complained to her about son (DDIL's husband) being distant from her. 

Well, DDIL was so excited about maybe being able to have a relationship with CDIL that she said, "I'm going to talk to him and tell him to apologize")

The next day he made this big announcement that he was so sorry and to please forgive him.  (HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!)  This is just how cunning CDIL can be.  She controls everything.  I was seething inside.  It was maddening.

CDIL (Close DIL) is such a control freak, she's nice to me but I have learned that she only wants something from me.  She's an Emotional Vampire. 

DDIL is a screwball too but at least she's out there. 

My question:  You can't go and talk to your son about anything when he marries so I have to "eat this" and sit on it. 

How do you deal with a DIL who does something behind son's back?  Just stuff it?  You can't talk to him about his wife so what do you do? 


Offline isitme?

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2010, 01:17:06 PM »
Hmm, that one seems complicated.  It seems to be more of an issue between your sons and DILs - do you think your two sons are close to each other and would discuss the issue between the two of them?

From what you have described in your other posts, it really sounds to me like your DILs have their issues with you...but are also the type of people that just have issues with everyone - so the issues they seem to have with each other might have nothing to do with you at all. 

This might be one of those things that your sons have to work out between themselves as brothers.... even if you go to one and discuss it, it's going to come out that you were the one that brought it up and they may accuse you of "interfering" or "meddling".  For example, my FMIL is ALWAYS complaining about me to BF's brother who then repeats it to BF who repeats it to me.  I also see her doing this with her other DIL - complains to BF who then tells me.  I want to tell her, in fact I want to tell ALL of them "stop with the telephone game, we're not in kindergarten anymore and if you want to say something, say it to my face!"

If one of them ever brings up that incident, maybe the best you could say was "I didn't like it when that happened".  If your CDIL complains to YOU about your other son being distant, maybe you could say something like "I've noticed you don't always treat him so well, perhaps that might have something to do with it." But she would have to be the one to initiate that conversation.   But ultimately, if it's an issue between your two sons, or your two DILs or any combination of those four...you'll have to let them work it out amongst themselves. 

Stuffing it is hard, I know!  But sometimes all we can do is come here and vent and let it all out!
« Last Edit: January 07, 2010, 01:21:27 PM by isitme? »

Orly

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2010, 01:22:43 PM »
You may not be able to say anything to your sons about their wives.   You can go to your son that was abused by his SIL and let him know you were aware of what happened.  Comforting him for a bad situation might have helped him later with his wife (which you KNOW you can't comment on).

It sounds like your DILs are looking to branch out in the "abusing other family members" department.  They are going to end up cutting so many away, that if/when a disaster crops up they aren't going to have anyone to turn to.

2chickiebaby

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2010, 01:33:29 PM »
Thank you, Orly and thank you, Isitme.....it's not something the sons can even talk about, I'm sure between themselves because DDIL's husband would not say anything to him about his wife.

They were so close at one time.  The CDIL has done a remarkable job of pulling them apart. One time, DDIL's and son's child was very sick.  It broke DDIL's and son's heart that DDIL and son did not even call them.  It broke my heart to pieces.

Both DILs grew up in screwy families, very screwy but screwy in different ways.  We are always accomodating, always there, always loving.  DDIL prefers her family and of course, son seems to too.  (he loved us so much!! but I can see how his brother is just distancing himself from him now)

I know it's because CDIL wants only herself, her kids, her life to be his sole purpose.  That includes us; we're the token grandparents. 

Both guys are tremendous people but DDIL got the best hearted one. No one is better hearted than he is.  He's just like my husband with a little of me in there too.

Thank you both so much.  Vampires are hard to deal with. 

Offline isitme?

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2010, 01:51:01 PM »
oof, yes indeed they are hard to deal with!  good luck and don't let them drain you dry!!!!!  :)

cremebrulee

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2010, 05:14:54 AM »
Quote
2chickiebaby
I really need some help on this.  Last summer we all went to a overnight stay with all the kids and DILs and Sons.

CDIL (close DIL) was so mean to our other son. (I can't say what she did)  I saw it and saw how it hurt he and his kids were.  Course, her husband, my son didn't know anything about it.

CDIL started treating DDIL really nice. She complained to her about son (DDIL's husband) being distant from her. 

Well, DDIL was so excited about maybe being able to have a relationship with CDIL that she said, "I'm going to talk to him and tell him to apologize")

The next day he made this big announcement that he was so sorry and to please forgive him.  (HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!)  This is just how cunning CDIL can be.  She controls everything.  I was seething inside.  It was maddening.

CDIL (Close DIL) is such a control freak, she's nice to me but I have learned that she only wants something from me.  She's an Emotional Vampire. 

DDIL is a screwball too but at least she's out there. 

My question:  You can't go and talk to your son about anything when he marries so I have to "eat this" and sit on it. 


This is what I would do...

I'd suck it up....b/c if you say anything to your son about his wife, he will definately take it, like your berating her, become hurt and angry...and maybe even distance himself from you.

I know it's tough chickie, but think of it this way...if someone came and said things to you about your son...your first reaction would be to protect him...it's human nature...so, I would tread lightly in that department...

what I would do, is, if he ever comes to talk to you about situations...just listen to him...very intently and don't respond right away...

think about the situation first, and when you do respond, respond with a question...like, "do you think your wife...(say her name) is doing this because?" 

Don't be quick to accuse her of anything,  or say things like, "Oh, your wife is a lunatic and she's doing this on purpose, but you don't see it?" 
Because, then you just back him right into a corner and he's going to come out being protective and defensive. 

I believe if you treat any situation with love &  understanding, void of hate or the desire for retribution...you do more good then not.  That is why, it's so important for us to let go of the past hurt and dislike and the bad behavior, we've witnessed our DIL's dramatize...you gotta feel sorry for them...really...pity them which will help you understand them...and the why's of they're behavior....insecurity, jealous and fear....

does that make any sense? 

« Last Edit: January 08, 2010, 05:19:43 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2010, 05:20:59 AM »
Yes, it makes sense, Creme.....I can never talk to him about her or what she did.  He would never understand.  She did it undercover.  I have to act like nothing happened.  It's just the way it is. 

cremebrulee

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2010, 05:42:48 AM »
yup...even if they'd seperate or divorce...YOU can never be the one who says things against her....ever...yanno why?

Because, coming from us mom's it seems to them, like we're saying they have made a big mistake...and that is difficult for them to swallow....
they being men, well, it's hard for them to see it from our point of view...you see, growing up, they saw us as they're strong mother's who would protect them....and they still think of us as being strong and lady like...

Now if they would ask you, then you need to tell the truth....and avoid it if you can....


2chickiebaby

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2010, 05:49:06 AM »
You, I mean I can never talk to my son the same way again regarding his wife or her behavior.  Never.  So sad to me but for me, it's true. 

Offline Pen

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2010, 06:21:04 AM »
Hey, Chickie - you probably can't say anything even if years from now he brings it up and rants and raves about her! I guess once our DSs enter the world of marriage we have to change how we support them. I've always been verbal and emotional; DH is the steady, slow-to-react one.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2010, 06:26:40 AM »
I know, Penstamen, I never can and never will  My DH is very slow to act but he's the kind that puts it aside in his heart.  He loses respect for someone and it's all done inside of him.  No one would ever know.  It's hard for me to gauge.  I am not that kind....very tender hearted and so is he but to keep himself going and okay, this is how he does things.

The sons have allowed their wives to act in destructive ways and I know that DH has closed off part of his heart to them. I can't do that!!!

Invisible

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2010, 06:29:48 AM »
2 chickiebaby,
I would pretend I never saw a thing. After some time passes and you have a window of opportunity.  In a few months if the situation is still on your mind  I would discuss it with your son.

Perhaps, if you give it a little time it won't seem so important. This maybe be kids just being kids. Your DIL maybe flexing a little immature power and control. You son most likely knows her personality and does his best to ignore the stupid stuff. My son used to say to me when discussing his wife, " You can't fix stupid." He knew the things his wife was doing but chose to ignore.

Just take a deep breath.....count to 100. ;)


I really need some help on this.  Last summer we all went to a overnight stay with all the kids and DILs and Sons.

CDIL (close DIL) was so mean to our other son. (I can't say what she did)  I saw it and saw how it hurt he and his kids were.  Course, her husband, my son didn't know anything about it.

CDIL started treating DDIL really nice. She complained to her about son (DDIL's husband) being distant from her. 

Well, DDIL was so excited about maybe being able to have a relationship with CDIL that she said, "I'm going to talk to him and tell him to apologize")

The next day he made this big announcement that he was so sorry and to please forgive him.  (HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!)  This is just how cunning CDIL can be.  She controls everything.  I was seething inside.  It was maddening.

CDIL (Close DIL) is such a control freak, she's nice to me but I have learned that she only wants something from me.  She's an Emotional Vampire. 

DDIL is a screwball too but at least she's out there. 

My question:  You can't go and talk to your son about anything when he marries so I have to "eat this" and sit on it. 

How do you deal with a DIL who does something behind son's back?  Just stuff it?  You can't talk to him about his wife so what do you do?

2chickiebaby

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2010, 06:35:41 AM »
That's all you ever can do, Invisible. Count to 100 or to 200222000000!  No comment is allowed.  It leaves you in nowhere land. 

Offline Pen

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Re: I have a question
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2010, 06:40:57 AM »
At least we have a safe place here! We can't be too specific sometimes, but we can get it out to a certain extent and it helps.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb