Author Topic: cant understand  (Read 3400 times)

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lcollins

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cant understand
« on: September 03, 2011, 08:57:55 AM »
hi everyone. not on here much but now i just cant deal with this anymore i think im going crazy :( i cant understand why anyone would not want their own mother in the life of their daughter. i made some mistakes as a mom but i am not bad or mean. ive never been nasty to them or anything. ok maybe they see me as controlling but deep down inside im only trying to help. its been almost a year and no contact for me :( they wont even talk to me, blocked me from emails and calling and they moved out of state. pretty far out of state, saying its because of me :(  they did not even invite me to the going away party and when i showed up because i knew it was the only way to see kid they called the police on me! im sorry but i am so upset over this, cant sleep or eat and it consumes me at times. im planning on going to their state next month maybe they will let me see grand daughter :( they said give us space and i did and they still not responding to me. every time i do get a hold of him its because i call his phone from payphones he says i can see her and then changes mind. i think its his wife. he is sucked into her lies and she has changed him and brainwashed him. im not waiting anymore for them to allow me to see them. obviously they are very threatened by me and my relationship with my grand daughter!!! been praying about this. i know God wont let her carry on forever without paying a price. one day i know what goes around comes around. sometimes it takes years and years. i hope i live long enough to witness it, im not really in good health, have had some heart troubles a few years ago. sorry for the long venting but im really lost, any help with what to do please? i have emailed and called and even went to their house before they moved to talk to her and she opened door and shut it in my face! what is left to do?

Offline Begonia

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2011, 09:44:37 AM »
Hi Lcollins and welcome.  You will find a lot of supportive folks here.  I sure can sense your anguish about your situation and am sorry for that pain.  I am a newby here too so really won't offer advice to you, but just know that this crisis can be managed by you.  Just for a few minutes do something nice for you whether it's to have a special coffee, to get a haircut, to walk in a garden.  Take time to appreciate all you have done as a mom.  There will be more responses to your post but in the meantime you can gather strength by reading some of the other posts here and take to heart some of the responses that feel right.  Stay tuned in here and keep posting.  There will be a better day!!
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline Pen

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2011, 10:03:16 AM »
Welcome, LCollins. Take a deep breath...Begonia's advice to do something nice for yourself today is spot on.

Next, and I know it's hard to do, step back from trying to contact your AC and focusing on them 24/7. Find a support group, a hobby, make travel plans, or take a class...whatever fits for you. It seems to me that many times our skittish AC run like scared rabbits from too much pressure from mom. It may not seem unreasonable to us, but to them it is overwhelming. When the pressure is off they often feel more comfortable about renewing a relationship.

This site is great for supporting us as we make our way on this often confusing new path towards personal progress. Keep reading & posting; you'll see.

Oh, by the way if you haven't already read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page, please do so now. Your post is fine, but we want to be sure everyone understands the site policies.
« Last Edit: September 03, 2011, 10:08:30 AM by Pen »
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lcollins

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2011, 11:26:34 AM »
Thanks guys. It is very hard and no one knows the pain unless they are in it. I have been reading a lot and there are some good books that help you regain control of yourself. Sometimes though I think if I was right in front of them what would they do? They are being selfish for not letting me see MY grand daughter and I know it bothers her too. They are being very selfish. Has anyone been able to get through to their grandchild here? Also what does AC mean?

Offline Doe

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2011, 11:35:18 AM »
Hi-

I don't know if this applies to you but I've found there's a difference between acting like you're letting go and actually letting go.   You can not call them but if you wake up every morning and go to bed thinking about them every day, you really haven't let go.
 
If you can find some way to immerse yourself in your own life - set some goals of your own to meet, find some people who could really use your help, improve your own life immensely - there's still plenty of time to be happy.




Offline Pen

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2011, 01:05:03 PM »
Lcollins, AC means "adult children."

Well said, Doe.

Lcollins, it sounds as if you are in a very raw and painful state right now. It will get better, I promise, but it does take a bit of a commitment to change. There will be up days and down days, steps forward and steps back, but overall you will make progress towards the best life you can live for you. No matter how they treat you, you can be good to yourself. Eventually you won't allow anyone else define you or be in control of your happiness. You can't change them, unfortunately, but you can change your reaction to them (which seems like it's mostly harming you anyway.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2011, 02:01:20 PM »
Yup…they are in charge of themselves and you are in charge of yourself. Good news!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline luise.volta

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2011, 05:05:36 PM »
LC - To catch up on the abbreviations…go to Forum Support. There is a thread there that will help. AC is adult children.

We have expectations that may seem reasonable to us but far too often they are not factored into other people's lives as we think they should be.To start the healing process,  we have to move past what we think we deserve and on to what comes our way. That's where healing comes from…getting what is ours to decide and what isn't. Simple but not easy. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

lcollins

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2011, 06:16:39 AM »
so i have to give up and never see her again? i believe my son will eventually realize that this is not right. my husband and i and my sister got together and went to my sons job a few months ago (he owns a small pest control office) and met with him in his office to try to get through to him about his wife. thats how i know this is all her because he said he wants me to see my grand daughter!

whyme

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2011, 06:29:35 AM »
I'm so sorry that this is happening toyou and so many others. I just found this site as I'm very confused about my dtr cutting me out of her life. None of this makes sense to me and as I keep reading other posts I don't feel so alone.  I really can't express how I feel except that it's aged me and my health is seems to be deteriorating, ok, maybe my age doesn't help but like you I don't know what to do.  I'm staying away from my dtr, her partner and my new granddaughter and those so called friends of hers but it hurts. I really would like to move on, but the truth is I would love to have my realationship back with my dtr but I know it will never happen.

Offline Pooh

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2011, 07:14:49 AM »
It's not giving up LC, it's realizing that you can't do anything about it, only they can.  The more you push since they asked for space, the more they are going to resist.  Calling from pay phones to try to get through is just showing them that you are not respecting their wishes.  Showing up places where you were not invited and trying to go around their blocks is just going to make them more angry.  You DS may say he wants you to see her, but until he does step up and do something about it, there is nothing you can do.

Step back completely and work on healing yourself so when they do come to want that relationship, you will be able to let go of the resentment and anger and have a fresh start.  We all want those relationships, but until both sides want it, you are banging your head against a wall.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Begonia

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2011, 07:49:35 AM »
I agree, Pooh. It's like that old saying about insanity being if we keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  It does feel as if you are going crazy when things won't work the way we are certain they should work. 

But, whyme, it's your peace of mind at stake here, your life.  For me, in order to feel in control of my life I had to stop trying to control DS and DD lives.  Once I accepted that I was being too pushy (this was the hard one...how could inviting my family to visit be pushy? How could wanting to visit my GC be pushy?, once I realized that it was me who could stop the craziness,of their rejection, then my life began to feel less insane.  I was plagued by all those questions that have no answers.  I finally had to just take two Advil and move ahead.  I had to accept that my relationship with my AC was going to be different than I dreamed it would be; I had to accept that I might not see the GC more than once a year; I had to accept that my life was going to change. 

Yes, there are hard days, like weekends like this one, when my GD is having a party for her 14th BD (just for girlfriends);it still hurts to think I am not a part of that family occasion.  I have to be ok with that and move on.  My family no longer defines my happiness as a person.  They are adults now, and I have to treat them that way.  Having said that, I will never let them disrespect me again.  On the other hand, I know I have to give them space to live their own lives. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline Begonia

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2011, 07:53:01 AM »
I meant to refer to lcollins, not Whyme in the above post, looked at the wrong name. Need more coffee.... :-[
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Offline Pen

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2011, 10:38:40 AM »
I'm so sorry that this is happening toyou and so many others. I just found this site as I'm very confused about my dtr cutting me out of her life. None of this makes sense to me and as I keep reading other posts I don't feel so alone.  I really can't express how I feel except that it's aged me and my health is seems to be deteriorating, ok, maybe my age doesn't help but like you I don't know what to do.  I'm staying away from my dtr, her partner and my new granddaughter and those so called friends of hers but it hurts. I really would like to move on, but the truth is I would love to have my realationship back with my dtr but I know it will never happen.

Whyme, welcome to the site. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you are going through a painful time. Pam1 is the usual moderator on this particular board but she's otherwise engaged this WE, so here's my spiel: If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First on the home page. Your post is fine, we just like everyone to know forum policies.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: cant understand
« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2011, 11:06:37 AM »
There is a transition that has to come about for most of us…when we see that our adult children's issues are for them to resolve. Intervention isn't where it usually happens. They make choices, including picking a spouse, and they have to take it from there. Our expectations are not a factor, unfortunately. Their maturing is the issue and that is about them, not us.

Our job is done. If we are included further, that is wonderful and if we are not, we have our own lives, relationships and health to consider. We were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. To focus on what isn't working and being right about that may be realistic but it isn't supportive.

If we choose not to get stuck in self-pity, we can learn, too. We can change ourselves. That's where our power lies. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher