Author Topic: DD and friends  (Read 2631 times)

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Offline pam1

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DD and friends
« on: August 30, 2011, 03:45:12 PM »
Well, it's a little off topic but I couldn't think of a better place to ask advice! 

DD had a neighborhood friend, a boy a year older than her, who came over to our house every day to play.  Actually, most kids in the neighborhood come to our house at different times during the day,
which DH and I both love.  We usually have a houseful of kids when school is out, a few kids stay for dinner.  It's fun and it's nice that they are coming here and I can keep an eye on them.  Some of the
other parents don't seem to keep track of their kids and actually when I've sent some home, their parents wouldn't even be home.  Neighborhood boys parents have done that a few times and I
wonder if he might be neglected, I dunno.

Anyway, the neighborhood boy in question was caught abusing one of our dogs.  I spoke to his mother and explained he wouldn't be allowed over anymore, this was about 2 months ago.  So, like
I said most of the kids come here and he will stand outside of our fence staring in.  I started feeling bad so I told DD she can only play with him in our front yard.  Well, that has lead to him coming in
our backyard again, I tell him he has to leave (my pug is still scared as heck of him) and he says he doesn't understand why and stares in through the fence again.  Errrr

Now, I do feel bad for the kid but I also think the other kids and DD have such a good time and it's not fair for them to be under this kids microscope.  He's much bigger physically and he intimidates
them.  He has issues with a lot of the neighborhood kids (and this has been explained to his mom) but it doesn't seem to get through.  The kid likes to punish people and dogs for really weird things
and he says this as his excuse when he is caught doing stuff.

Now, I know I should talk to his mom again but I don't even know how to broach it.  I've been around a lot of kids before and his behavior is not anything I've ever seen, he gives me the willies.
I guess I don't even know what to say to her, he is making us all so uncomfortable and I understand how difficult it would be for her too.  Any advice?
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Offline luise.volta

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2011, 04:27:44 PM »
I would take a stand that he has conducted himself in a way that has removed his privilege to be part of the "pack." No admittance to the yard…kids and dogs are there. He did that, you didn't. His parents may or may not get it but you are sensing potential danger based of dangerous behavior. You can't safely take that on. It is sometimes hearbreaking but part of being the parent is prioritizing with a greater level of wisdom and a greater sense of consequences than kids have…or negligent parents.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Sassy

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2011, 04:37:54 PM »
Thinking about what you could say.  Right now all I keep thinking of is what "they" say about children who are cruel to animals. 

DH's little cousins, whom we watch regularly, are a loud and wild bunch of boys. Boys will be boys kind of boys.  They're allowed to play with toy guns, wrestle, and play war video games.  But one of them found a damaged butterfly and tried to save it.  They've held a funeral for a squirrel hit by a car, where they were quiet sad and respectful.  They are so gentle to our cats, the cats allowed the boys to teach me how to rub the fur on their nose with my nose, like eskimos kises.

Since you talked to his mother already about why he is not allowed over, perhaps you can call his mother each time you spot him in either yard, and say "ah ha, I've found your son. I'm sure you were looking for him...."     After a while, she may get tired of fetching him and impart to him a stronger message.

I wish you could add, "...and have you thought about finding someone for the child to talk to" but that probably wouldn't go over well.

Offline pam1

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2011, 04:58:28 PM »
Thanks Luise & Sassy.  It helps to know I'm not overreacting.

I thought about that too, Sassy (cruelty to animals & links to pathological behavior) but I know not to say to his parents.  Although, I do think something is going on with him and I wish
I could get him some help.

DH thinks we should not have any kids over for awhile but I think that will just lead to them going to another kids house where this boys behaviors aren't known.  I don't trust him at all,
my gut instincts tell me something is really, really off with him.  I worry that he might hurt more animals or even a small child that can't talk.  And I'd feel terrible about not saying anything.

Still wondering if I should say anything to anyone elses parents.  I know that some are aware of the issues he has with other children in the neighborhood, currently he is only allowed
in our half of the neighborhood.  Just a shame, feel bad for him and everyone else.

Good suggestion, Sassy about his mothers number.  Now I just got to get it :) 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Doe

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2011, 05:05:01 PM »
he says he doesn't understand why and stares in through the fence again.  Errrr

Yeah, I would venture to guess that he knows exactly what's going on.  I'm probably more overt than what is acceptable, but I wouldn't have a problem just telling him to go home in front of the other kids and if he asks why, remind him that he mistreated the dog.   And calling the mom would help direct her attention to him, which would probably help her in some way.

Offline pam1

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2011, 06:04:39 PM »
Doe, the day I caught him doing it I about throttled the kid.  It took every ounce I had to tell him to leave and it took me a good two hours before I was calm enough to go speak to his
mom.

The thing with saying it in front of all the kids is something I've thought of but I think possibly make his issue or whatever it may be worse.  I think making him feeling badly or a target for
bullying from other kid would only make him feel worse and probably act out more on innocent animals.

I just got another update from DD that he told another kid the story but with his twist, that DD did it.   ::)  First of all, DD is tiny and can't even pick the dog up, let alone do what he was doing.
And, I caught him and she was not even in the same area, he took our dog to a remote part of the yard where no one could see.  So yeah, I'm comfortable now saying the kid definitely
knows what he was doing.  The reason why he told the neighbor kid this is b/c I won't let him use our backyard to cut to other neighbors yards anymore and he was having to use the backyard
with two large boxers, why they figure this is my problem I probably won't ever know.  He can walk around the long way if he doesn't want to go in the yard with boxers, not blame DD or I.

Anyway, the neighbor got the truth from me and now understands.  I'm really hoping this doesn't lead to a neighborhood war, ugh.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2011, 08:43:29 AM »
Bless your heart.  Definately keep him away completely!  You know that's the 911 in me because of animal cruelty and what it leads to (as you already know).  I also would tell the other parents.  I guarantee if he has done it to yours, he is doing it to others.  I know you don't want to start a war and I'm not saying go around and knock on doors, but I would definately let the ones you are comfortable with know and I'm sure they will spread the word to others.  I like Sassy's idea of talking to the Mother every time until she either gets the hint, or you have to be more firm.   

Other than him, I would still let the rest come play and enjoy those friendships. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Doe

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2011, 09:15:13 AM »
Anyway, the neighbor got the truth from me and now understands.  I'm really hoping this doesn't lead to a neighborhood war, ugh.

Good.  Think of it as a neighborhood rearrangement of priorities.    Right now, this boy has a lot of power.

Offline pam1

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2011, 04:28:17 PM »
You guys are right.  I just hate to think of the kid getting picked on and making his issue worse. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2011, 05:25:26 PM »
Yes, his antisocial behavior is taking down a really tough road. Sad.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2011, 06:39:20 AM »
I had a thought about this.  Does he attend a school you are familiar with?  Maybe you could go to the school and talk to a counselor about what happened with him.  That would be a neutral party that could get with his teacher and watch him.  If they see his unusal behaviors, they could call the parent in and suggest counseling, or require it.  I bet he is having trouble at school already. Don't know if you want to get that involved but I thought maybe that was a way for you to get out of the middle of the neighborhood thing and at the same time, it might get the kid some help?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Rose799

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2011, 07:17:47 AM »
Pam, you'd said he was a year older than dd.  When he comes around, rather than bringing up the issue over the dog, could you maybe tell him that he needs to find dc his own age to play with?  That way, he wouldn't be embarrassed & the other dc would have nothing to pick on him about. 

Offline pam1

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2011, 07:21:51 AM »
Pooh, that is a good idea.  He goes to DDs school and I know he has had behavioral issues.  The school counselor and I are friendly and I think she might listen to me "off the books."  I just don't want DD to have problems, she's too young to be dealing with this.  He already started spreading a rumor about her.

One neighbor did tell me that the humane society will send an officer to investigate these incidents and take any additional steps needed, so I have that number now too. 
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Offline Ruth

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2011, 07:23:29 AM »
I'm glad you brought this up, Pooh. because that was my thought also.   Harming an animal is a serious issue, a counselor should be notified.  I don't believe we were told what was the exact nature of the 'abuse' maybe sometimes young children pull a dog's tail, etc., and I just consider that something to correct and try and tell them about empathy, but real abuse needs to have counselor or social services involved.  thanks for caring.

Offline pam1

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Re: DD and friends
« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2011, 07:23:43 AM »
Pam, you'd said he was a year older than dd.  When he comes around, rather than bringing up the issue over the dog, could you maybe tell him that he needs to find dc his own age to play with?  That way, he wouldn't be embarrassed & the other dc would have nothing to pick on him about.

Some of the kids who come over are his age.  And the other kids in the neighborhood are not allowed to play with him. 

I just can't figure out his parents....all these red flags.  Errrr
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift