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New Here and Can Relate

Started by nicelady, August 29, 2011, 07:47:49 PM

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nicelady

Hi to all,I have just found this site and cannot express my sincere gratitude in reading so many ladies in the 'same boat'.
I really empathise with each and everyone as I to have been going through same situation myself over last 2-3 yrs with my son.
As I read 'your experiences' it makes me realise ,I am not a 'bad mother' as my son would have me beleive, and that if I did not know better, as I read it's like I'm ready my own life story.
Like you all not a day goes by without my son in my heart, and trying to make sense of 'why'.
Each time I try to 'connect' he moves the 'goalposts'.
He was and still is a caring.loving considerate, person, just unfortuneately all of those excellent qualitys, are now only for 'others', just not us his parents,and as his mum his anger is purely towards me,he really showed me that anger when he told me his gf mum was 'better',that really 'floored me'.
He 'turned' when he met his gf,which is a long story,which I may go into another time,but for now, thankyou, for this site, as I read today, I can get on to try and focus, which is hard 'day to day',but I know I will 'get there',eventually.

Pooh

Welcome nicelady and it is sad but comforting to figure out that you are not alone by a long shot.  It's more common than we realize, just not something we normally run around talking about because we are embarrassed, ashamed and we are disbelieving ourselves.

Keep reading and commenting. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

nicelady

Thankyou for that.
Yes we do not like to 'air' our laundry,but to know you are not alone goes someway to ease the pain.
I originally posted in the 'son' section, as I truly related to 'baker'.
My thoughts, hope and prayers go out to each and every parent in the same situation.
I do not live in US, but to know parents throughout the world,all walks of life go through the 'pain and hurt',when your child for whatever reason appears to 'turn' from the loving caring child into an angry person.
For myself, and I daresay a majority of 'mums' and 'dads',the inner turmoil is surmountable,question after question,trying to find the answer.Why.
My son told me a few weeks ago to leave him alone,where he is staying he can do what he wants,when he wants,and he maybe back in a few years,however he did leave me with a parting message.
People tell me I've got a good heart, 'yes' I replied, your not telling me something I don't already know, and he stated, I got all those good things from my good upbringing,wow,so then why the anger and abuse towards me, it belies 'logic',but then nothing makes logical sense these days.



Pooh

That's what I have learned here more than anything.  I wanted to know "why" to so I could find a solution.  Letting go of the "why's" because there isn't any, is the hardest.  I still let them sneak up on me at times, but have figured out that there really isn't any logic, only what the other person or people are choosing to do.  I can't choose for them, only myself and what to do with it.  I have choosen to move on with my life and as Luise likes to say, remember I was a person before having children.  I will always be a Mother just as much as I will always be a daughter but those roles have changed seasons.  I am now moving on to realize that I am a person that is entitled to laugh, enjoy life and put my efforts into the people that believe and love me.  It's a nice feeling.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

Hi Nice-

Welcome from me, too.  You are right, you are definitely not alone!
I say leave him alone for a while so that both of you can breathe a little more.  Maybe he'll be back in touch sooner than a few years and maybe he'll find a content woman who has learned to live without him, not just his 'Mom'.   

Begonia

Hello to you, NL:  Glad you found your way here.  I am a newby too and I can say this is a great site and there is more wisdom here than in a whole building of psychiatrists!! 

Hang on to the fact that DS said he had a good upbringing...when the times get dark, remember that he said that and use it like a hug. 

Keep posting!
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

pam1

Welcome Nicelady :)

Please read the Forum Agreement in the category Open Me First.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all members to do so.

Glad you found us and I'm looking forward to reading your story when you're ready to post.  Can I ask how old your son is?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Oh, I was just typing a similar message, lol. You beat me to it, Pam.

Welcome, NiceLady. I'm glad you're here!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Welcome - This can be a place of healing. As stated earlier, many of us learn to let go of the  "whys" in the process. Often there is no way to make sense of the senseless and our energy is better focused in other directions. We can get stuck in all the documentation we have that we have been wronged and beyond that, the 'if only" that we weave around the behaviors of others. We can't change others...we can only change ourselves. We aren't our adult children and we aren't our relationships. They don't need to define us. We were whole before they came our way and we can be whole again. We share here and are understood and supported. It's called love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

nicelady

Hi all, thankyou for your loving support it means a lot.
'pooh' yes day by day little by little, I'm learning to understand there is no logic as to the why,although I know gf had some influence.

'begonia',yes I agree better than any counselling, just an 'ear' to listen,and great varying advice,but all done with love and care,you wouldn't get that from 'psychs'.
I sure tell myself everyday, he knows he had a great upbringing, with huge love n care, that helps me to process and try and understand this turmoil.

'doe' yes I have made my mind up to do just that, however it is so hard, and it's going to be even harder this coming weekend as it's fathers day here in 'oz', and it's the birthdays/holidays/etc, when it's the hardest to bare.

'pen/pam' my ds is 21, young I know, and  there's still 'hope',which is what I try and keep in my head and tell myself everyday, maybe he will see the light, but I cannot put my life on hold as I have.

I have a ds who is 25,lives here, who has been great support, along with his gf/ and dh,as someone stated in another forum, it's a loss which we go through, a grieving process, but they are alive, and knowing my youngest son is apx 10 min drive makes it harder.
I realised my eldest ds is 'missing' out on me his mum ,as I'm to preoccupied with youngest, and that's not fair to him.That's why I'm pleased I found this site, it allows me to talk,but also gain some insight and perspective from other like minded 'mums' in same boat,and for that,  thankyou, love,hope and prayers to you all. 

Ruth

Welcome Nicelady, I won't bore the site with repeating my story here, please read our posts and it will suffice to say that I am estranged from my son also, and feel the pain.  Thanks for your message Pooh about stopping the 'whys'.  We can drive ourselves to an early grave with going over and over this territory.  I've lapsed into long forays of trying to reconstruct years in my memory and analyzing every moment and event under a microscope, and growing more and more frustrated and terrorized that I have forgotten something horrible I did which caused this problem,  it reminds of the Martin Luther's biography where he would spend hours and hours in confession, never finding a second of peace because he was sure every time he had forgotten something.  Eventually the priest told him that 'God wasn't mad at him, HE was mad at God', but this helps me withdraw from this unproductive behavior.  The bottom line is that nothing I ever did was intended to harm my children, and I loved them every second of their lives.  Your son is very young.  Time is on your side, and history is on your side.  I don't give every one this encouragement, for many of us the deck is stacked against us with our DC.  But even then we never give up hope, we just learn to live alongside the pain and disappointment and build a life in spite of it.  best wishes

nicelady

Hi ruth

thankyou, yes I hear you and relate,all what you have spoken.

I hope time is on my side, my son is young, but[few health issues] and to an 'early grave' is not where I want to go, it's hard trying to live a 'stress less' life as dr's have advised,believe me, it's not for the want of trying, but I guess I'll have to try harder to 'look after me', but as a 'mum' it's hard to have selfish thoughts of helping myself,as my whole life since DC has been them 1st.
To regain my strength to fight my own battle,I am trying,I never give up hope,and am learning to 'live' with the pain and disappointment.

peace & love





Pooh

That's what Mothers are supposed to do!  The DC should be our 1st priority.  What we have to get through our thick skulls (mine included) is that they are not our DC any longer.  They are DA, Dear Adults.  It's their time not our any longer.  We hope that they included us in their lives but we are not their lives any longer.

Selfish?  Darn tooting!  I have 20 years to make up for of being totally unselfish and doing without so my DC could have better lives.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Begonia

Pooh & All:  Letting go is always the hard part, like slicing into my heart at times.  Now that I have let go, I feel renewed about it and although I love my DS and DD very much, I know I have done a great job and they must captain their own boats. 

Having said that, just this morning I got a private message on FB from DS with news of the GC  (grab onto the counter in astonishment).  And nope, haven't answered yet...my old self would have immediately been so glad to hear from him I would have sent a blah blah blah thank you thank you reply.   Not anymore----This because I have stepped back. 

Anyway, I have two cats and if you know cats everything is on their terms.  It makes me smile to think of how impossible it is to heard cats or get them to come your way when you want; the more you want to pick them up the more they run away.  Then when you are trying to type on the computer there they are all sweetness and parading back and forth in front of the screen so you can't see a dang thing! 

I am trying to apply the cat philosophy to my situation with DS and DD. So far, so good.  One whole week and I have not had one day of angst or that hopeless feeling.  And I am sure my DD probably asked her brother...What's up with mom, has she called you?"   

Good wishes and love to all who are on the journey....
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Doe

Begonia, what a great message! I love the cat analogy.