Author Topic: Bridges  (Read 8533 times)

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just2baccepted

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2009, 09:58:32 AM »
This is my first post, but I'm so glad to have found this page because it helps me to see the other side of the problem.  I'm 34 years old and have been married for 12 years and realized that my MIL and FIL did not accept me.  It took awhile but now I know the truth and I'm crushed by it, or at least I was. Now I'm in battle mode to be honest.  Do what I need to protect my marriage and the one person who means the most to me even more than my mom.
But Luise reading your post breaks my heart so much. 

I ran into the same problem with my family of origin.  My uncle who I considered like a second father growing up began coming on to me in a sexual way.  I put up with for five years and tried to get him to stop but he wouldn't so I had to make a choice dealing with his perversion and seeing an aunt that I love or not seeing her anymore and walking away with some self-respect.  I now have not seen her in almost two years(she's confined to their home from a stroke) and he's retire and always home. 

Then the other heartbreak I had to deal with was being very close to my niece and nephew and even help raising them.  I loved them so much.  But my sister has Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder and a raging drug problem and is married to a meth addict who breaks into people homes to support his drug habit.  After dealing with this for over ten years I had to make a hard decision.  I don't go around this crazy sister anymore and I rarely get to see my niece and nephew.  I also can't see my mom unless its at her office since my sister lives with her and my mom won't visit my house because she doesn't want to hurt my sister.  I cried for a year but now I'm in acceptance mode. I still live my life an enjoy it. I have a sweet husband i have have a job I like and we travel.  Just got back from Hawaii two weeks ago and had a great time! I've come to realize that I have no control over crazy sister's and perverted uncles.  The once close knit family that I had is now gone.  It was hard but I knew I had to accept it.  It was either that or put up with tremendous abuse and manipulation.  I seem to have become good at cutting people out of my life.

My point is that sometimes we have to accept things the way they are and not spend the rest of our lives pining over something we can't have.  Make a new family!  Volunteer and get involved in your church.  Volunteer with meals on wheels and visit with the lonely elderly who maybe don't have any family.  I listen to Joel Osteen quite a bit on my MP3 player and he helped me realize that helping others helps us not think so much about the losses in our lives.  What a blessing it is to make someone else's day.  I also have a neighbor who is probably in her seventies and is widowed and never could have children.  She's made the most of it though.  She has a friend and they go one road trips together frequently! How cool is that I thought.  Here I was feeling sorry for myself about my messed up family and this woman has gone out and made a life for herself!  One thing you have to realize is that you can't count on your adult children to keep you company, they'll disappoint you everytime.  I can promise the last thing on my mind is visiting my mom.  Adult children have to think about careers, children, marriage, little league, friendships and a little r&r for themselves.  That's why its important to let them live their lives.  They're at different stages in life than you are and they need and want to be around people too that are in the same stage as life as they are. My mom uses little guilt trips on me too to get me to visit.  I want to tell her so bad that makes me want to visit her less.  She's been getting bad about it lately because she's lost my aunt to a stroke and my aunt was her only and best friend.  I hope I don't sound harsh.  You seem like a wonderful woman and I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.  I want you to be happy!

SunnyDays09

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2009, 06:00:31 PM »
  First off let me welcome you just2beaccepted.  And to say I am so sorry for the pain your young life has seen.  I too am one that removed the toxic people/situations from my life for my health sake!  Just like you I have become good at the painful experience of cutting people from my life.
   My family was once very close as well.  Even some of my sisters I have chosen not to deal with anymore due to unhappiness they caused.
  And good for you that you are seeing the good in life and not dwelling on the things you cant change. 


Quote
One thing you have to realize is that you can't count on your adult children to keep you company, they'll disappoint you everytime.  I can promise the last thing on my mind is visiting my mom.  Adult children have to think about careers, children, marriage, little league, friendships and a little r&r for themselves.  That's why its important to let them live their lives.

   I understand totally.  I was a newly married with a new family going every which way!  But I always found time for parents.  Mine, his and extended family as much as possible.  It seems to be that, in my particular case, the dil didn't want to have anything to do with his family. 
   It began immediately after the engagement.  The contacts became fewer and farther inbetween.  The looks they gave each other when we try to include them.   Then to find out the time is being spent with HER mom, or HER dad, or HER sisters and their families.  HER schedule.  HER decision.  It was always her.
    I was surprised we were invited to the wedding!
« Last Edit: August 03, 2009, 06:04:52 PM by HappyDays09 »

just2baccepted

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #17 on: August 03, 2009, 06:50:30 PM »
To Happydays09 - I understand that specific quote may seem painful from your point-of-view, it was just coming from my own experiences.  And it's completely believable that you DIL might do these things to you.  As a woman I hate to say this about my own gender but woman can be impossible to deal with at times.  I bet your DIL is struggling with her own insecurities and maybe see you as a threat.

When I first got married I felt a little jealous of his family because I thought, here I am a newbie and they've loved him for years.  But I tell you what I was totally open to close relationship with them and just assumed we'd all be close.  Come to find out she's been talking bad about me behind my back for years and even trying to turn my husband against me.  What she does is she finds out something about me that she doesn't like and assumes my hubby doesn't like and then slams "people" that do that same thing.  I would assume she's trying to turn him against me?  I wish I knew why she's doing this.  My hubby says not to take it personal because MIL and DIL both are critical and don't like others.  She's also so sweet to my face.  I felt so betrayed to think she would do this.

Prissy

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #18 on: August 03, 2009, 06:55:38 PM »
I'm so sorry!  I wonder what she'd think if she knew your heart?? (my question mark is working again)

Your heart is precious. She's missing out on so much!  I wish I could talk to her and tell her that. I can't but I do want you to know it.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #19 on: August 04, 2009, 01:01:54 PM »
It doesn't sound to me like any of us gave up easily. Self-preservation was a last resort. Most of us tried everything else first and only closed the door when we knew there was nothing on the other side of it except pain and suffering.

Self-respect...self-love...most of us have work to do.

The whole thing about the uncle and the "sister/mom thing" is so awful. And yet you picked up the pieces and went on. That's where dignity lies. And it brings healing. It does.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

SunnyDays09

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #20 on: August 04, 2009, 01:18:20 PM »
Each family's dynamic is so different.  I am not sure how my dil felt about our family - but our hearts and arms were open to her.  I once rescheduled Thanksgiving dinner to be the next evening - FRIDAY - for she worked on Thanksgiving Day and I wanted her to have a fresh dinner together with our family!!!   
   We included her in my dd's graduations plans and even made arrangements to get a suite for her and my son to stay in so they could share in the ceremony.
   She was always included.  She seemed very pleasant and they dated for over three years.  Then they became engaged and we saw them less and less and less--and the negativity began rushing in.

Talking bad about anyone is not conducive to a loving family environment at all.  I cannot tolerate that!  But I do understand it happens.  What I don't understand is the practice of sabotage in someone's relationship with their spouse.  I couldn't wait for my son to embrace someone he loved and to find that "forever" mate.  Perhaps I didn't call them three times a day?  Drop over unexpectedly?  Make demands, argue, etc.  And she felt I didn't care about them?  Who knows.  Like you said--"...woman can be impossible..."  I bent backward.  I jumped thru hoops.  I was so pleased, so happy they found each other.  I would have given them my kidneys.
   Just to know they were happy, in love and together was all the payment I wanted.  I never asked a thing from them but inclusion that matched her parents once they were married.  Even my son's attitude toward us changed immediately - bordering on crass and rude.  I no longer recognized him.
   It was too painful to be around them.  I chose to let them go. 
   And other than feeling the void, the whole where he once fit in our lives, things are great.  The sun rises, the birds sing and I still have my dh and my wonderful dd.  I am blessed!!   :)

 

Prissy

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #21 on: August 04, 2009, 01:45:34 PM »
Of course, I have to one up you, HappyD.....I had Thanksgiving breakfast to suit her.  Bacon and eggs anyone? 

As far as her being nice when they met?  They are always nice at first. That's what I tell everybody. 

Me: "how do you like her? (the DIL to be)

Them: "oh, I just love her. She is wonderful

Me: "they are always wonderful at first"

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #22 on: August 04, 2009, 01:58:50 PM »
Not all of them, No, not all of them! Some are lovely. Precious. Respectful and fun. Yes!

Others temporarily say and do what they think will "sell." Then, when they have what they want, they lower the boom.

It feels like a lottery. Who has a winning ticket? We never know...

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

just2baccepted

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #23 on: August 04, 2009, 04:46:20 PM »
Thank you all for the kind and helpful words.  And to Happydays  I have to say if my in-laws reached out to me the way you have to your DIL I would probably melt and cry and most likely forget all the cruel things they have done.  I wish I knew why some people have such a hard time being open and caring like this.  I just see my in-laws as very selfish and only see "what's in it for me" kind of mentality.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #24 on: August 04, 2009, 05:36:20 PM »
There's a lot of that going around..."what-in-it-for me." If you get a chance, under the Stories heading, read my story about my mother-in-law. It was the 1940s and I was dumber than a post.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

SunnyDays09

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #25 on: August 05, 2009, 12:45:20 PM »
Of course, I have to one up you, HappyD.....I had Thanksgiving breakfast to suit her.  Bacon and eggs anyone? 

As far as her being nice when they met?  They are always nice at first. That's what I tell everybody. 

Me: "how do you like her? (the DIL to be)

Them: "oh, I just love her. She is wonderful

Me: "they are always wonderful at first"

wait one second there missyprissy...after the BIG turkey day you also had thanksgiving breakfast???!!!!   Wish there was a "bow down to the Queen" smilie for it would be here!! ROFL!! 
  You da woman for sure. 

   I'll admit I got some eye rolling when I suggested the big Turkey dinner be held the next day for her, I just was trying to be nice.  It had been a couple years with school and new job that she even got Turkey Day off! 

  Oh well.  I know.  Shut up about it already.  (she didn't even help with dishes!!!   :o  )

SunnyDays09

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #26 on: August 05, 2009, 12:46:39 PM »
Thank you all for the kind and helpful words.  And to Happydays  I have to say if my in-laws reached out to me the way you have to your DIL I would probably melt and cry and most likely forget all the cruel things they have done.  I wish I knew why some people have such a hard time being open and caring like this.  I just see my in-laws as very selfish and only see "what's in it for me" kind of mentality.

  I love.  That's all. Even if you are at your worst.  When no one CAN STAND you.  I'll be there - for IVE BEEN THERE.  Unless you pull a gun on me or something then I will run away.  :)

Prissy

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #27 on: August 05, 2009, 04:54:47 PM »
There was nowhere to fit us in on or near Thanksgiving...it was breakfast or nothing.  I chose breakfast so I could say, "we had a Thanksgiving with the family"

The Hate MIL board calls them Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamly Craptactulars.  They hate their Mils.

SunnyDays09

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #28 on: August 06, 2009, 08:21:32 AM »
There was nowhere to fit us in on or near Thanksgiving...it was breakfast or nothing.  I chose breakfast so I could say, "we had a Thanksgiving with the family"

The Hate MIL board calls them Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamly Craptactulars.  They hate their Mils.
  yes well I hear that what goes around....deee deee la la la.  So maybe they will get theirs in the form of a HUGE foaming at the mouth, nasty DIL!!  I hope not, of course.  I am just saying....  lol

Prissy

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Re: Bridges
« Reply #29 on: August 06, 2009, 10:18:23 AM »
yes, and guess who has sons?  Uh huh, she does.   :P