Author Topic: A Motherless DIL  (Read 2991 times)

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Offline Doe

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A Motherless DIL
« on: August 22, 2011, 11:45:10 AM »
Does anyone else here have a DIL that was raised without a mother?  Mine was adopted then her mom died when she was a toddler.   I've wondered if some of our challenges come from this.

Offline Pooh

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2011, 11:45:53 AM »
I'm not in that situation, but I bet there are others here that are.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

QuietStorm

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2011, 12:33:14 PM »
I don't know about DILs like that but my MIL lost her Mom when she was an infant.  She's admitted that she's a little clingy with her children because of that. 

Offline Scoop

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2011, 12:48:08 PM »
My Mom lost her Mom when she was young, and it still hurts her.  It seemed like each age and stage would bring new issues that she wished she had a Mom to guide her, but also she missed never having an example to follow and always doubted herself.  There was also the regret that we never had her mother as a grandma, and all the things that her mother missed, and that she missed sharing with her.  We went to my Gma's grave last year (it's far, far from home) and my Mom cried and it surprised me.  Because I thought that maybe 55 years would have dulled the grief, but it didn't.

So your DIL will probably always have issues.  No Mom to help her get ready for her wedding.  No Mom to share pregnancy stories.  No Mom to discuss similarities or differences with.  No Mom to help when the baby comes.  No Mom to see her kids grow up.  No Grandma-X for her kids. ect.

My Mom read about "motherless mothers" and it really did help her to see some of her issues for what they were.

Offline pam1

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2011, 02:44:36 PM »
I lost my Mom fairly young in a way.  Her illness was long and off/on throughout my teenage years and she passed in my twenties.  My MIL seems to think I do not know "motherly love" b/c my mother was often not available. 

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Jillinthesky

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2011, 06:17:23 AM »
I also had a mother that was very ill throughout my teen years who was in the hospital or basically incapacitated most of the time.  She died in my early twenties.  For me, I do think it changed how I see mothering adult children.  I had to be very independent (only child).  Granted my MIL has issues that go beyond what that would affect, but I will say that I don't feel the need to have someone take on that roll.  I miss my mother through many stages and I am happy to have my father and father's wife interact with my kids, but it's honestly more for her and my dad than for me. 
I think all people are different.  Some of us really are just more independent and don't feel the need for as much interaction as others would like.  I honestly find it suffocating.  After working, commuting, dealing with kids and home life, I need a break. 

Offline Doe

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2011, 07:51:22 AM »
I'm not really worried about my DIL being a good mother - I think that mothering will be a wonderful experience for her. 

Offline pam1

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2011, 08:13:07 AM »
Doe, how do you feel that her being motherless affects her relationship with you?  Just curious

I do think it is a personal thing, just like DILs with mothers will all have different outlooks and perspectives.  For me personally, I was an older bride than most and I wasn't looking for a mother replacement (my stepmom does just fine.)  I think my status as being motherless was more of a concern to my MIL than me.  In fact, I was shocked at how much she brought it up -- any time there was even a minor conflict with me and her, even in the begining of our relationship, she threw that into the mix.  I'm still curious as to why she thought it had anything to do with it.

My best guess is that it was a projection for her.  How she would feel being motherless or how she would hope her own children would feel.  Not much to do with me
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Doe

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #8 on: August 23, 2011, 08:25:38 AM »
I think you're right - it not a situation that can be generalized.

How can I say this? 

My family has strong communication lines that can tolerate a big array of emotions and spring back.  I guess we have resilient relationships.   My son and I can have fight or have strong disagreements but we still know we love each other and we always get back to that.    My DIL tends to be more brittle in that area,  more ready to completely break things off and not repair them.  I've seen her do that with others, too. 

But I think you are right, it's probably more just her way of approaching things and not a result of the family she was raised in.

Offline Pen

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #9 on: August 23, 2011, 08:54:46 AM »
My DIL has a strong family, both Ps in the picture 24/7 (or at least it seems that way to me, lol.) She has no need for us at all. My DM passed when I was in my mid-twenties after DF divorced her & extricated himself from me & my sib; my sib moved overseas, DH's mom passed quite a few years ago & his FOO is not geographically close to us. I think I've been trying to rebuild a family ever since, so it hurts when I see DS being absorbed by DIL's FOO so completely; when do I get to have a family? (whine, sob)... I realized that I had clingy feelings & have gone the other way to avoid being one of "those MILs." I wonder why it's OK for DIL to be so enmeshed with her FOO but inappropriate for me to want to spend more time with my DS; at least that's how it seems sometimes.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #10 on: August 23, 2011, 08:56:45 AM »
when do I get to have a family? (whine, sob)

HERE!  NOW!  We are family......nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #11 on: August 23, 2011, 08:58:25 AM »
Hmmm...maybe that's just how she is.  DH and I have a similar thing going on.  My FOO will joke and laugh a lot but there isn't much real fighting, we like to debate though.  I honestly can't even think of something I would really fight with my Dad or siblings over, we just don't roll that way.

Now DHs FOO argues and fights constantly.  Constant melt downs and temper tantrums, not just MIL, the whole family does it.  I can't stand it, I see no reason to fight.  They get involved in each others business too much, IMHO. 

So, we both come from different backgrounds and I'm sure to his FOO that I come across as cold.  Heck, they told me I do!  Well, they come across to me as drama llamas and not very pleasant to be around. 

So, perhaps to your DIL the fighting comes across differently to her?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Jillinthesky

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #12 on: August 23, 2011, 09:08:41 AM »
I actually had a conversation with my dad yesterday about how the concept of family has changed so much in his lifetime.  How earlier families were much more enmeshed, living together or close by, all social events were family oriented.  He didn't like that.  Family is what you make it, not necessarily what you are born into.  I think his point was that just because you are related, does not necessarily mean that you are compatible and that you should be with people who love and appreciate you and it just shouldn't be so hard and forced. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #13 on: August 23, 2011, 09:12:38 AM »
Your Dad sounds very wise.  ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Doe

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Re: A Motherless DIL
« Reply #14 on: August 23, 2011, 09:34:38 AM »
Pam writes:

So, we both come from different backgrounds and I'm sure to his FOO that I come across as cold.  Heck, they told me I do!

I can't fathom this!  Just from the few messages I've read from you here, I can't imagine a cold Pam.