Author Topic: Can you ever pick up where you left off ? and How do we really forgive ?  (Read 849 times)

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mom2

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I have wondered, just say, if bridges were mended and both parties were really sorry for what they had done and said , can you pick up where you left off and be the family you were before all this happened ?  I say no b/c the trust is not there...  and when I do have some happy times with ds, dil and gs I am constantly thinking " It's not real or lasting,  don't get your heart in this or they will hurt you again ". what do you ladies think ?

Another thing is forgiveness ; I want to forgive and I know I should but how can you just forget that your family was ripped apart ( needlessly ). How do we just forget that our sons who we gave birth to and loved could just treat us like this or allow his spouse to treat us like a doormat ?
How can we forget about losing our Grandchildren and all that we have missed out on ? 

I love them but I hate them for what they've done to me.  I get all mixed up with this.

Offline sadDIL

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I feel the same way but from the DIL point of view. I have tried many times to mend things between myself, DH, MIL, FIL and SIL. There is still a lot of pain from all of us. We are starting slowly. I tried to ask a couple of months ago if we could talk (via email) and MIL got all upset saying she didn't want to be yelled at. DH intervened and told her I wasn't going to yell at her and she was jumping to conclusions again and that I have been the only one of us who has even tried to have contact over the past 3 1/2 years. Now we are "friends" on facebook and have chatted a few times over unimportant stuff. She sent me a message saying Merry Christmas, I love you which only confused me more.

I didn't mean to post such a long reply, but I too am wondering where do we go from here? There is still a lot of pain and I don't know if I can ever really get over it. I know I have done many things over the years to hurt everyone, but they all have too and they refuse to take any blame for it. I have apologized over and over, but they won't. I have been told many times things like: Be the bigger person; you can only forgive yourself; they will regret it in the long run; etc. These statements don't really help because there aren't many people who understand all we have been through. Can time really mend wounds? Can we ever get over it and move ahead? How do we forgive others even if we have forgiven ourselves?

mom2

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I know I have done many things over the years to hurt everyone, but they all have too and they refuse to take any blame for it. I have apologized over and over, but they won't.

SadDil,

I sure hear where you are coming from. When all this ( whatever you call it .. LOL ) started between myself and dil I went to her with all my heart said " For whatever I have done that hurt you.. I am so very very sorry " ; she said NOTHING.
When things gradually got worse I told her this; " Part of the problem is that I have apologized to you for what I have said or done to hurt you and you seem to feel as if you had no part in any of this ". Dil then said to me " Well if it makes you feel better than I'm sorry too".  ( imagine that one.. when she is the one who started all this mess !!! )
I told her that is far from a sincere apology.
 

I never thought that I had done anything to dil ( still don't ) but  nevertheless I never discredited her feelings... I am adult enough to know that what I thought was nothing may have hurt her b/c we all have different feelings.

I do believe that a big part of the healing process is for someone to acknowledge your feelings and take ownership in their part of the problem.  Maybe that's mine and your problem sadDil... no one ever admitted to hurting us.



Invisible

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Forgive? maybe
Forget? never

After my son died my DIL proclaimed to the world she was Bi. She invited her girlfriend to live with her. I was not allowed to see my GD for 10 months. After the girlfriend left my DIL proclaimed again to the world never mind she is not gay after all...and her boyfriend moved in.....

Every time I see my GD I know it could very well be my last. The only thing that keeps me sane....control is an illusion. I can not control how my DIL lives her life. I can not control how she raises her daughter. I can only be here in case my GD needs me someday. That's all....I don't know about forgiving. But I know I will never forget.