Author Topic: "spoiled" grandchildren"!  (Read 2759 times)

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Offline justanoldgrandma

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"spoiled" grandchildren"!
« on: August 18, 2011, 06:09:08 AM »
In rereading the post on "spoiled" gc, I've noticed our gc, nearly 3, increasingly holding all the cards in the family dynamics.  Asked what do you want to eat (offering up alternatives when some food is refused until mealtime takes forever), "sassing", cajoled by parents and ILs who tend to be more "spoiling" than we are, just difficult to handle.  In the end, parents have to simply pick him up and do the forcing thing bc all that "letting the child" decide leads to a lot of frustration and lets the child know he has waaay too much power.  In daycare, the teacher notices lack of sharing bc he gets his way at home.

DH and I love to babysit when other gma isn't there (she is afraid to anger the child and lets him have totally his own way and of course gets frustrated herself anyway)....... when he is with us alone he is so much more cooperative bc we just assume he will mind.  When we are all together w ILs we just step aside bc we don't want any arguments or drama and gs knows who to go to in order to get his way! 

Of course that's sad for us but we just wait till we can get him alone or even parents are more "strict" than the other gma (we like her; she just spoils too much!) 

More restaurants and airplanes and even movie theaters are refusing to allow chldren under 6 to enter bc of their tantrums...... it isn't the kids, it's the spoiling!  I know one young aunt whose niece hits her and is plain nasty to her bc she tries to make her mind..... the mother is much more lenient......

OP of "don't want to be w 4 year old gc", I always want to be w gc, but definitely prefer having him w/o other relatives around bc he is definitely a manipulator!   He tends to ignore dh and me when ILs are around bc he gets his way by going to them; even the parents get upset when gc comes back from a visit w ILs totally spoiled.......

Thank goodness the parents of our gc do the time out which means sitting till cooperating or no one would ever get anywhere!

Edit:  Nothing wrong with your post, but the bold slanting writing was very difficult to read, so I changed the font back to normal.  Pooh.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2011, 06:29:52 AM by Pooh »

Offline Pooh

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Re: "spoiled" grandchildren"!
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2011, 06:33:05 AM »
I agree grandma.  I think the adults in a child's life are in control of how they behave and influence it greatly (unless you have a child with medical issues).  I also always remembered my Mother's motto:  Children are much smarter than you give them credit for.  They know how to play the game and which adults will play it with them, just like they know which ones will not.

Hang in there grandma...you're great!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: "spoiled" grandchildren"!
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2011, 11:23:32 AM »
I don't know, I think it's just different times.  It seems like the older generations find fault with newer ones and when the newer generations become the old generation, they find fault with the new ones. 

My parents to this day cringe at some of their parenting techniques and have apologized, I kind of think it's funny.  I'm sure I'll be apologizing to DD in 20 years.  From what I can see it's a cycle and some good always comes from some bad. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline justanoldgrandma

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Re: "spoiled" grandchildren"!
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2011, 01:24:40 PM »
Thanks, Pooh, for making my post legible!  I mess up when I try to "fancy up!" 

I agree, Pam, that generational values differ a lot.  My grandparents were very strict and so busy w farmwork that there was no "playing" with us when we visited; we had to entertain ourselves, do chores, and socialization was Bible School.  I did really miss my "fun" parents when I was w my grandparents who had no time or inclination for playtime although they did love us and took care of us when we visited.

My parents were also no nonsense and we were raised strictly, although with more opportunities for socialization and more attention than we had w our grandparents.  (I am an old gal so keep this in mind!)

My husband was raised in a more lighthearted, joking family, very kid loving, although the children had to work to help out w finances.   Our kids had fun growing up with lots of love and fun and although not perfect, of course, are good today in their careers and in their family lives.   They weren't consulted as to their wishes and desires as to "do you want to go to bed?"; "what do you want to eat (for every meal)" and for the most part were well-behaved w/o being afraid of us or being timid.  No reports of bad behavior in preschool on up.

I do see a lackening of discipline in each generation (in my experience) as in our family, each generation is more lenient than in the one before.  I'm glad we raised our kids when we did bc most of their peers were respectful and not too spoiled.  (My mother did think we were too lenient w our boys when they were small!) 

My mother never apologized for any of her parenting techniques bc she was sure in her methods.   Our kids do tell us often how they respect and love us even though the gs is raised differently; we had so much enjoyment in raising them (though not always easy) that we don't apologize for the way we raised them (I just get nostalgic for those days at times!)

Our son and dil do try to instill discipline and good manners in gc but I don't envy them bc some of their playmates are even more spoiled! 

Although this generation of children will surely turn out to mature and be good adults, it is difficult to keep quiet when gc throws tantrums; my mother had no qualms about expressing her opinion when our children didn't obey; and we never dreamed of "cutting her off" from seeing them as many gparents are today if they express disapproval.

In fact, until I read on forums about "time out" and "cut offs" for gparents who expressed conflicting opinions, I'd never heard of such a thing:  keeping children from gparents unless they were abusive, etc!

I don't fear a "cut off" from gson but I do keep my opinions to myself bc son and dil believe similarly in disciplining and I go by their example; but I am determined not to be "afraid" of upsetting gc as the other gma is! 

Oh, well...... bet this subject is generational! 

Offline pam1

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Re: "spoiled" grandchildren"!
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2011, 03:29:52 PM »
justanoldgrandma, I bet your gc will adore you.  My own grandparents weren't totally hands off, fun loving 24/7.  I respect my one grandmother deeply, she was a civil rights activist and never shied away from voicing her own opinion and sharing her values with us kids.  IMO, it's usually not what is said but how it is said.  When I look at her and my own MIL (she also is strongly opinionated) is in how they share things.  I remember my grandmother asking if Shindlers List was ok to take us too etc.  My MIL does not ask. 

Anyway, I agree with you quite a bit but also differ.  Disciplining children has just taken on other forms, I also think todays style of parenting tries to avoid discipline.  As in, school work is much harder and much more progressive even 10 years ago.  Todays kids have a load of responsibilities (no, not always earning money or putting food on the table) if college is going to be an option.  And more and more, going to college is harder.  It's just a different world and I think people do the best they can to try to keep up with it.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: "spoiled" grandchildren"!
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2011, 07:41:02 AM »
What I am seeing today that seems to be different from my childhood and when I raised my kids, is the lack of any discipline at all in many families.  There are still great parents that do parent, but it seems that there are more parents that don't discipline at all than when I was young.  Almost all my friends parent's disciplined when I was growing up.  It may have been different styles, but it was some form of discipline.  The one family that let their children run hog wild in our country neighborhood, were the ones that I wasn't allowed to play with.  They were considered off limits.  When I raised my Sons, there were a few more families who children were running hog wild and I didn't trust my boys to go out with them when they were teenagers.  They were trouble waiting to happen.  Now, it seems like there are even more.

We have several people that work here that have been here for 20 years.  We have one male dispatcher that has been here for 24 years and we have had this conversation several times.  We average 10-12 calls a day from parents that want us to send an Officer because their child is not behaving.  These are not children with learning disabilities or medical issues.  We get several in the morning because their teenager is refusing to get up and go to school.  About once a month, one of those calls will be because their 6 year old is refusing to go.  Are you kidding me?  We get several in the evening because the parents told them they couldn't go out and yet they are right now heading for their car and refusing to stay in the house.  They give us the whole story about how they can't get them to behave and they are tired of them not listening to them.  I'm serious....we get these every day.   The male dispatcher says that we only started getting these calls about 10 years ago, and that it was 1 every once in a while and has grown steadily from there.   I never even thought to call 911 when my boys would misbehave.  I didn't know that was an option.

There are plenty of great parents today.  That hasn't changed.  I think we have more and more parenting styles emerging with each generation.  I know today's kids have a hard row to hoe.  Harder school work and stricter standards to meet to get into a good college.  My boys did too.  They had harder schoolwork than I did and stricter standards than I did.  I did too.  I had harder standards than my Mother, etc.  Different generations had different things to accomplish.  I had more chores than my Sons did.  They had chores, but they didn't have to get up at 4:30 and work in til lunch.  My Mother had even more chores and less time for play.  My boys played more sports than I did but still had tons of homework and had to keep a 3.8 GPS to get into college.  Every generation has their responsibilities.  I think the next generation will be even harder. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell