Author Topic: 4 adult children  (Read 10677 times)

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greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #30 on: December 27, 2009, 08:51:43 PM »
thanks girls for you imput, I really appreciate it.  Maybe I can help in some other area for someone else

Offline Pen

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #31 on: December 27, 2009, 09:41:24 PM »
Best with family and friends to just give it if you can...it gets so weird when they squirm about paying it back. Greeneyes, that's quite a chunk of change you're out! You must be one amazing mom. I hope this gets resolved for you, and that your kids come to their senses. You deserve to be appreciated!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #32 on: December 27, 2009, 09:59:16 PM »
thanks.. I have worked very hard raising 3 children on my own,,I have 4 children... I am nearly 62 and still working. Remember I said these children were of a narcisstis of the worst kind and unfortunately for me I still try to see the good in them. Usually you have 1 in 4 that has a prob. not all. that is the really sad part.  After speaking on this forum I have come to the conclusion my daughter has recieved her inheritance and I will take legal action against the boy friend after the baby is born. As I said I mortaged my unemcumbered property to help them and his credit card debt was always a loan which he agreed to. Life is not easy and that is why I do not sweat the small stuff as there are too many big issues to worry about.

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #33 on: December 27, 2009, 10:00:05 PM »
by the way I put that pic on my profile to feel good

Glitterati

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #34 on: December 28, 2009, 09:18:34 AM »
My son & dil are the same, but now we don't have money to give.  We had to refinance our house & consolidate our own loans to get ouselves out of debt.  We gave & gave to our children until we just couldn't do it anymore.  Now we don't see them as often cause we can't afford to take them out to dinner all the time, pay their bills, loan them money etc..  We just can't do it anymore.  We have to look forward to our retirement, will our children help us the way we helped them?  I doubt that they will be able to, & I don't think they would.  What will happen to us if we have no money for our retirement?  As it is we will be retiring with far less than we thought we would have.  I think the more we give our children, the more they expect, than they get mad when you can't give anymore & cut you off.  Selfish.

That sucks.  How can anyone be grown, with kids, and think it's ok to live off of mom and dad?  I don't get it.

Do you mind if I ask how old your son and dil are.  I see much the same attitude with my brother...who while only 6 years younger than me seems to be a different generation.  I bend over backwards NOT to take help from my parents.  I really appreciate the things they do when I can't avoid it, but they need to be taking care of themselves first.  My bro just has his hand out 24/7.

cremebrulee

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #35 on: December 28, 2009, 10:04:19 AM »
Hi!  New to site - Luise sent me here after pouring my heart out!  To make a long story short, six years ago I finally had the courage to leave a thirty emotional and verbal abusive marriage and now my adult sons hate me.  Mind you, I was very close to them all their lives until I left.  I have never seen two of my grandchildren.  My 25 year old daughter is very dysfunctional and has been for years.  Her father never liked her and made it clear to her since she was young.  It is all a mess.  I have to work really hard to keep from feeling so guilty and still working on it.  I would have never imagined disrespecting my parents like this no matter what!  I continue to pray and build my relationship with God and to learn to let go.  I learned about codependent behavior a few years ago and understand that I can't "fix" anybody but me.  Feel so much compassion for all the moms in pain!!

Hello Peace and welcome, so glad you joined in...however, I am very  sorry to hear about what is going on in your life...perhaps together, we can lean on each other for support...and learn from each other

The ladies here are very compassionate and kind...as well as the DIL's....I find they're feedback so helpful....

cremebrulee

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #36 on: December 28, 2009, 10:10:16 AM »
Ladies, as far as giving your money away, the next time anyone asks you for a loan, if your considering accomodating them, then make them be responsible and set up something legal and binding...ask them to figure out how much they can pay you back a month and then draw something up legally and have them sign it....?  Yes?


2chickiebaby

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #37 on: December 28, 2009, 10:37:55 AM »
Dear Peace,
I have found that in almost all cases the children turn their anger with their parents towards their Mother.  Easy prey.

I know someone who is a Mother of 4 sons.  If it had not been for her, their family would have gone down the tubes.  Her husband was of zero help so she had to support the whole family.  Now, the kids use her as their scape goat.  Can't blame the poor helpless father!  They blame their Mother!!  For what, I don't know.  She is one strong lady and doesn't let it bother her.  I admire her so much. 

It seems to be a common thread, though.  Easy target.  We'll be here for you. 

jljohnson740

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #38 on: December 28, 2009, 12:45:22 PM »
I agree with so much that has been said. In the end you will do what you must..I certainly support your decisions. Unfortunately my son in law wouldn't learn a thing about responsibility...I pray that yours will for the sake of everyone.

Our situation is one now that we are starting to realize that our daughter is afraid of her mother-in-law and her husband. We aren't aware of any physical abuse...cause my husband would "take someone out" if that occurred and I doubt that I could stop that.

Apparently the mother-in-law, now that she lives one minute for the place they rent, is becoming the problem we "always" knew she would. We decided to mend fences and stop the criticism about anything and to let our daughter know that no matter what...the door is open here. I have a sister-in-law who has opened my eyes to some things and it has helped.

  Although my daughter has allowed this "boy" of almost 40, which is what he is, do many things to us, we realize that to alienate her any more would be to our disadvantage. Sort of the whole"keep your ememies closer" theory.Since I have not kept the children and managed her household,for a few years now, she has had the total dose of him. Up until then everything I did was enabling them both to refuse to step up. My daughter has however been trying.It wasn't until I learned she'd talked to my niece that I learned just how serious it all is now. She would leave him except she won't because of the kids. I'd describe him but no one on earth has that much time.

So...I've prayed and prayed she get free. His mother will make it another kind of Hell but I know we can weather it. He's on Add drugs because when she was mad at him at one point when he quit a job while she was pregnant, he went to an old frined from high school who is a quack doctor. Since the son in law had a degree in special ed...which it took him 7 years to get..he's an idiot, this nut doctor just handed the drugs out to him on the first visit. No background checks, nothing. He just did it to find an excuse to give my daughter. There is nothing wrong with him excpet being a spoiled lying brat.

Well..every time he was out of work he tried to drag our oldest grandchild to the ped. to get her on these drugs. Well..I took care of that gifted wonderful child and there is nothing wrong with her.
She was tested to have the comprehension of a sophmore in high school and she is nine. She is a normal child, strong willed but sweet and gracious.

 Well, my stupid daughter finally filled out some papers at school and without any background checking..without any family visits, they took her to this ped and that very day he put her on them.We are terrified for this child. My daughter is a nurse and he actually taught(well,babysitted) special ed.This kid didn't stand a chance. She has a tic now but other than that we weigh her weekly when she's here and take others precautions to make sure nothing is going on with her. However, my brother is an attorney and there isn't one thing we can do to either of them for puttuing this well adjusted,good child on these drugs.

We can't touch the doctor because the parents consented.It's horrible for us.My son has a masters in Social Work and works for University of Ky..he tried to talk to my daughter..he was totally appalled at what they did to this child..he could do nothing.He's worked with Add and everything else. He knew it was her father and the fact that this shut him up ..so my wonderful daughter did it.
Sorry I got carried away. But, just making the point that there are people in this world who will never step up...jail won't change them even..nothing will.

After all these years though I have finally stopped trying to talk to her...we don't fight but I do try to reason with the girl. Now, all I care about is letting her know..since she at least told my son she would leave him..that we are here and the door is open.

She was a wonderfully talented girl..never a problem to us for one minute...then she met him.I want her to be that person again, to believe that there is light at the end of the way, and I know she can make it, I want my grandchildren out of that situation before it's too late.

He's a sociopath and I have reason to know it, his mother's a nut, and I want them safe..or at least as safe as we can get them. I fear every day of my life what that boy will do though if she leaves.

He shoved me in my own house when she was dating him. I had merely told him I wanted him to leave because the matter I was discussing with my daughter was none of his business.Luckily my son was there and he's scared to death of him,although my son has never hit anyone. Her dad was hunting and I had to get his brother to come to our house and be here when I told him, I knew he'd kill him. Nothing happened, but it would have if not for my brother-in-law being here.

She still married this worthless jerk. He rides around on the coat strings of his parents who are nobody but have money.

Who the heck can ever figure out why these things happen. My daughter became very large in high school..she was popular but would not diet. She met him and he paid attention to her..of course he did..no one else in that school ever dated him.

She miscarried a baby one year after they were married. He was a fireman..his daddy paid someone to give him that job..he got fired though because..guess why? He's afraid of fire.You have my permission to "laugh". 

While she laid in the hospital in terrible pain..he stopped by after work..left her to go and take a shower and eat and let his mother's stupid poodle out to pee at her house. Needless to say the whole thing was over before he showed back up.

Later my daughter brought it up so..I for the first and I promise you,only time during this 11 year marriage..went rabid.I tried to make that girl see that if he would not be there when she was losing a baby cause his mommy told him to go and take a shower and eat and let her dog out...he'd just never "be there" for her.She cried of course..yes..I felt awful..but as a mother I couldn't let it go...and..she brought it up how much that had hurt her.

Folks the girl stayed and her life has been nothing but lies and deceit...no women though..no woman in her right mind would "look" at him..if I thought someone would I'd sell my house and "pay" them to commit adultery with this boy.

Now, don't I sound like a wonderful mother-in-law. Well..truth is..I love my daughter..we have kept our traps shut for the remainder of this marriage, and it was only after his mother told a horrible blatant lie about me..in a church parking lot,which of course it got back to me, did my daughter call me and start telling me about her life,course most of this I knew  as I was there keeping the kids anyway.

If I live to be 100 yrs old I will never ever know what has happened to that delightful little girl who enhanced and enriched our lives. All I know is that "girl" is still in there and I'm not giving up. I will stand by  her inspite of her treatment to us ..the past is what it is.

I pray for her continually..I believe a miracle is going to happen..not in my time however.My prayers are being answered.

When this lie was told..my daughter left her house and parked her car somewhere and called us. She didn't skip a beat as she told me and said that not for one instant did she believe this horrible lie. I knew in my heart at that monet that he and his mother had pushed it all ...a very close final step too far.

She told my son-in-law that I called my daughter a "fat a--" and that she took up fo her.We'd had a casual conversation on the phone...I have no idea what precipitated this attack...now mind you..I've got one mean temper even though it takes a lot to bring it out...I'm a preacher's kid...we have feelings too. We were in that parking lot in our car leaving when all this happened..she apparently tried to catch us and she said she was going to let me have it. Well..her son said that to my daughter..my daughter just smiled and told him he might want to stand back so as not to get hit when his mother came flying across the concrete.

People were in the parking lot...my grandchildren were there. She missed us. So...I never went to her house and caused a scene as I'm sure she thought I would..I told my daughter that we were finished with them but whatever she had to do to keep the peace at her house..we would understand.I told her to tell her husband(who of course said he believed his mother) that I did not say it and I was sorry he was angry. All of this difused the whole situation.

 She didn't get what she wanted.But, I finally realized how scared my daughter is of them and what they will tell the children,etc., if she ever leaves their son.She said she must stay in order to control some of their power as she would have no say if she left him.She said they would never stop degrading her and us to the kids..she doesn't believe even a judge could stop it.

People, there is hope...I would have told you that this would never ever happen. She has taken up for that boy for years..she also knows that when the incident occurred at our house when they were dating..that her (step-dad..I'd been divorced since she was 7..he loved and raised both my kids)had gotten that boy alone once a long time after it had happened. He warned him if he ever lost his little temper and laid a hand on his daughter and it got back to him..he would kill him.

 Now..this is the sweetest,most loving,wonderful ,honest man I've ever known including my own father..I had no idea he'd done this. So...sort of figures the boy isn't fond of us.I'm gald he told him...he'd held it all inside when it happened and I begged him not to do anything.

Now..I see that there is hope, and we as a family can support her more than ever,give her hope but not push her. We've suggested counseling which we learned that they tried but he quit going and blamed her. I don't really want to see a divorce, I wish he could be a man..stop lying,love them and take care of them..the kids love him, but it's out of anyone's hands but hers.

We've never had words with this man..he was here in my house for Christmas and that was 4 days after the big lie his mother told. He was treated well, no one said anything and  was kissed good-bye.I don't feel hate..my daughter has made her choices..she's not perfect either..none of us are. I just don't want anyone physically hurt..in any way..and I'm now afraid after what her dad told him years ago..she'll never tell us.

I have to pray..there is nothing else I can do...you see..she had a shiner a couple of years ago and told me something else happened to her.She would never say anything else.There was nothing we could do.Trapped she is...for the moment...but I like all of you, have to move on in faith. I won't give up on the child we had once...she's made of better stuff than this.

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #39 on: December 28, 2009, 03:37:39 PM »
Please read my posting in  LOVING YOURSELF

mom2

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #40 on: December 28, 2009, 07:46:58 PM »
Welcome Peace !!
May you find some support and comfort here !!

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #41 on: December 29, 2009, 02:23:05 PM »
Hi Creme, regarding your post on 22/12/09.  I thank you for your comments. What you said I did with my other children and for some reason I hung on to my only daughter.  I read what you said and thought about your words and you are so correct in what you said. I thought I would let you know that I stopped contact with her and her boyfriend which includes my grandson before Christmas day. Even though she gives birth next week I will not tolerate being abused. I will be taking legal action against the boyfriend over monies he personally owes me, my solicitor will start actions in January.  I feel so much better making a stand. If I do not love myself,respect myself how can I expect others to treat me with the respect I deserve. Thanks again for prompting my mind to take action.   D

cremebrulee

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #42 on: December 29, 2009, 04:04:30 PM »
Hi Creme, regarding your post on 22/12/09.  I thank you for your comments. What you said I did with my other children and for some reason I hung on to my only daughter.  I read what you said and thought about your words and you are so correct in what you said. I thought I would let you know that I stopped contact with her and her boyfriend which includes my grandson before Christmas day. Even though she gives birth next week I will not tolerate being abused. I will be taking legal action against the boyfriend over monies he personally owes me, my solicitor will start actions in January.  I feel so much better making a stand. If I do not love myself,respect myself how can I expect others to treat me with the respect I deserve. Thanks again for prompting my mind to take action.   D

I do understand and agree with you, but it will be a very tough road ahead for you...but your focus is right on, and realistic...I will be sending you as much good karma as  I CAN FOR STRENGTH...

Hugs Creme
« Last Edit: December 29, 2009, 04:06:17 PM by cremebrulee »

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #43 on: December 29, 2009, 04:43:26 PM »
thanks Creme, I am fine now I have made a decision it was making it that was hard. As I said in loving yourself. I am setting my goals for next year, I have more to add. I have chosen to only be with people who like me,care for me and treat me with respect.   My friend says  to be a friend you must be a friend.   D

Peace

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #44 on: January 02, 2010, 10:02:02 PM »
Thanks to all for your warm welcomes  :)  I feel so much compassion for all the mothers who gave their heart and soul to their children.  When I deemed my unlovable a few years after I was married, I wrapped myself around my children and completely enabled them (out of love) but found out that this behavior was more damaging than good.  They placed me high on a pedestal thinking I  was so strong and of course they got everything they wanted from me, but when I could not take anymore emotional abuse from my ex, I left and they were done with me.  Mind you, these are adult children.  Of course, their dad gave them lots of money to control them.  He is so manipulative and controlling so their loyalities are to him.  My ex is such an angry human being,  and he places stipulations on the children  - HER OR ME!!!  My daughter finally stepped up to plate and told him that he would not control her anymore and she would speak to me and share her children with me.  Now, there is no relationship at all between them. What is so sad is these adults are bringing their adult issues and using control to keep their children away from people who love them dearly.  They are teaching "hatred".  This is so  very sad to me!  I have not and will not ever speak badly to my children about their father.  IN fact, I told my daughter to make sure she calls her father to wish him a Merry Christmas even if he won't pick up the phone.  Then she will know that she is doing everything she can to reach out and won't regret anything.