Author Topic: 4 adult children  (Read 10667 times)

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greeneyes100

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4 adult children
« on: December 22, 2009, 02:20:58 PM »
My 4 adult children who have a very wealthy abusive  father ,do not respect me and verbally abuse me, I have tried by helping 1 get a house, giving what little money to the others, but I can not get their love  their Father and I are divorced over 20 years I work hard I am kind and loving but nothing works what do I do

2chickiebaby

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2009, 03:03:35 PM »
Dear Greeneyes,
I just know that there will be someone who can help on this board.   I've seen this happen so many times, where money takes over instead of love for people. It is a sad commentary on our society.

I know someone here has some wisdom for what you have to deal with.  I'm so sorry you have these things going on. 

cremebrulee

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2009, 03:36:18 PM »
My 4 adult children who have a very wealthy abusive  father ,do not respect me and verbally abuse me, I have tried by helping 1 get a house, giving what little money to the others, but I can not get their love  their Father and I are divorced over 20 years I work hard I am kind and loving but nothing works what do I do

Hello GreenEyes...I'm so sorry this is happening to you...yanno, the more we give to our children, the more they will take...and in this case, your enabling them to do this to you and to treat you as they do.  Tough love is the hardest thing on the face of this earth to do...respect has to be earned...and it's up to you, to find the courage to talk to them and tell them you will not be talked to like this...and they may leave and not see you...but will come back when they want something...actually, you've allowed them to do this to you...for a long time...and it will be hard to break...the question is, can you deal with not seeing them if you do put your foot down.  One thing, do not do anything until you know you would be able to deal with the consequences of your actions, b/c once they become adults there is not much you can do but demad respect...and if you do, as I said, they may retaliate and become very nasty and not come around...I'm wondering, do they ever do anything for you...or do they come around only when they need something...and if they do, and you give them what they want, then basically what your doing is rewarding bad behavior...does that make any sense?  What do you think?

2chickiebaby

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2009, 04:17:48 PM »
Your wisdom is perfect, Creme.  I am so glad I found you! I can learn a lot from this too. Bless you!

cremebrulee

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2009, 12:44:37 PM »
I'm so glad I found  you to!!!!!!

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2009, 03:14:33 PM »
Hi Creme, I know you are so correct in what you have said. No they do not do anything for me, not a card for christmas or birthdays.  I suppose I was hoping that even 1 may love me but in my heart I know none of them do. It is only what I give.  Thanks so much. It is really crazy I am so wise in all other aspects of my life and these are the only people I allow to treat me like this. If they were neighbours or anyone else I would not want to know them.  Merry Xmas and thanks agian  D

cremebrulee

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2009, 04:33:08 PM »
Hi Creme, I know you are so correct in what you have said. No they do not do anything for me, not a card for christmas or birthdays.  I suppose I was hoping that even 1 may love me but in my heart I know none of them do. It is only what I give.  Thanks so much. It is really crazy I am so wise in all other aspects of my life and these are the only people I allow to treat me like this. If they were neighbours or anyone else I would not want to know them.  Merry Xmas and thanks agian  D

Boy do I hear you...I've said that same thing many times to myself...but for me, deep down inside, I gotta tell ya, I don't really mean it...it's hurt despair and anguish talking...
darling, know there are different kinds of love...and your children must love you...but not in the way that you would like...

When you are connected to a problem personally, it is really hard to see things realistically...as you would if you were hearing someone else's problem.  Hun, have you tried counseloing?  It's never to late, and you might learn how to deal with tough love and say no to them...I bet when they come around your heart is so happy...so, you will take anything you can get, even if that means...giving giving giving...and we mom's tend to do that...

You want to hear tough love...I have a chinese friend...for years..she just phoned me...she told me her daughter, has lost 3 lunch pails and a pair of eye glasses...plus a coat and sweater...therefore she told her daughter, who is 8, that Santa is not coming this year...I commend her, but honestly do not know if I could do that.  Also, they live a simple life...and she feels we give our kids way toooo much for Christmas....and we do...really we do...
So I told her, I wished more People would be like her...she said, they are all going sking for a week, and that's enough of a present from them...but Santa, is absolutely not coming this year until her daughter can learn to become more responsible...those eye glasses were 150.00.  Plus she take violin lessons, swimming lessons, chinese lessons...and I'm so so glad she is giving her daugher those kind of opportunities...

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I don't know if you can take something from this or not...just wanted you to kow...and please know, my thoughts and paryers are with you...

Creme

2chickiebaby

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2009, 04:48:47 PM »
I should have been that strong...but I wasn't.  This is really teaching responsibility in the best way. I'll bet she doesn't lose anything anymore!!  Good lesson.

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2009, 05:13:27 PM »
I bet she doesn't either Chickie...but I think about when all the kids ask her what she got from Santa...how much it will hurt her...like I said, I commend my friend...but I do not know if I could do that...

My friend told her, that perhaps she will learn a lesson and be good this next year so Santa comes next year...

Ohhhhh my....

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2009, 05:29:33 PM »
The Chinese culture means business when it comes to discipline and we don't.  I couldn't do it either but I wish I had done more things like it.

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2009, 10:54:46 PM »
thanks for your replys. Christmas here in Aussie tomorrow I am helping serve lunch for the disadvantaged, really looking forward to the day.  I do get sad when I hear other people talk about their children and what they will be doing but that little prayer The Serenity Prayer puts me in my place.  Yes I have tried counciling but my daughter wont go with me, because I am the one with the problem. It is good to write as I have to think about what I am thinking and it makes it clearer to me what is happening, also your words of wisdom are so helpful.   MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR     D

Peace

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2009, 03:05:05 PM »
Hi!  New to site - Luise sent me here after pouring my heart out!  To make a long story short, six years ago I finally had the courage to leave a thirty emotional and verbal abusive marriage and now my adult sons hate me.  Mind you, I was very close to them all their lives until I left.  I have never seen two of my grandchildren.  My 25 year old daughter is very dysfunctional and has been for years.  Her father never liked her and made it clear to her since she was young.  It is all a mess.  I have to work really hard to keep from feeling so guilty and still working on it.  I would have never imagined disrespecting my parents like this no matter what!  I continue to pray and build my relationship with God and to learn to let go.  I learned about codependent behavior a few years ago and understand that I can't "fix" anybody but me.  Feel so much compassion for all the moms in pain!!

greeneyes100

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2009, 06:38:39 PM »
I know how it feels when your own children are not close to you or even like you. No cards,phone calls  for Cristmas day, I hear other Mums about what they are doing with their chidren and it just breaks my heart. My children just use me and then dont want to know me. I have cut off from my daughter as she is so verbally abusive to me. My childrens dad only liked 1 child out of the 4 so it is very messed up.

Peace

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2009, 09:16:44 PM »
Greeneyes, I hear the hurt in your words!  And it is so painful because you gave birth to your children and lived and breathed your children.  And my case, when I walked out on such an abusive marriage, they couldn't handle and and erased me from their life.  I know it must have been very difficult for them, but it wasn't about them.  There is nothing I can do now to change their minds.  Time, patience and prayers.  Remember, they have two sides influencing them.  Let it go for now and just pray.  My son made it very clear that he did not want having anything to do with him and as far as he sees, I am dead to him.  So what can I do?  Let go!  He has made his decision and I can't change.  I must move on and take care of my mom and the grandchildren I am allowed to see.  It hurts, it sucks, and it's not right, but our children think differently and we, as their mom cannot dictate to them right now what is right or wrong for them.  So the only thing we can do right now is to give them time, pray and let God handle it!  Not easy at all!  Find happiness with the other children who love you and keep praying.

mom2

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Re: 4 adult children
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2009, 09:55:05 PM »
greeneyes,

It does hurt us so much that our children don't even like us and use us on top of it.. I have even thought it was funny that I am such a bad mom and grandma but I am still the one they call if they need money or a sitter.