Author Topic: When you were newly married?  (Read 1103 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
When you were newly married?
« on: December 22, 2009, 10:04:22 AM »
Were you able to understand about how his Mother might have felt with you?  I think that might be some of the problem...I don't think young women can understand or relate to us, as we've grown into MILs (yikes)

We think we're fine, that our family is just great and maybe they come into our lives and see all that is either different from their homes or things that aren't as good as we thought.

That's the part that is hard for us....we don't know what it is that we have done, are doing, that is not right.   I think the young women get into our families and see it all.  Things we thought nothing about. 

When I married, I could see how different his parents were than my family. We were so "feeling", they were not. (wouldn't you know it?)

They were stiff and controlled....we went there every weekend and then to my family's house.  We did that so they would know we cared.  I remember feeling bored at his house, no drama, no craziness.  I didn't say anything about it but I did feel that way.  His Mother thought being friendly was talking about the weather, for Heaven's sake. YAWN. 

My point is: do you think the young women look at us and see all our flaws that we didn't know we had? 

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: When you were newly married?
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2009, 01:30:45 PM »
chickie...it is a different world today...but I don't think all young women are like our DIL's.  There are plenty of women out there who were traditionally raised, with manners, social skills and realize, not one of us is perfect.  Yes, it's easy to see flaws in a human being...but we over look them and realize, hey, that's the way they are, the way they were raised.

For our DIL's to be so critical, there is definately a huge insecurity problem...

My MIL was tremendously kind, considerate, giving and compassionate...just a really nice woman...did she have flaws, heck yeah!  I was young, and couldn't wait to set up house keeping, my own way...and she constantly interferred telling me how she does it or did it.  And there were times I asked her advice...She was excited to have a DIL...and she wanted to do so much for me...to help...not to hurt me...there were times when she said, that's not the way I do it....but my own foster mom used to say the same thing...older women are set in they're ways, we've been raising kids, and housekeeping plus a full time job for years...what we don't realize, is when we give our advice...some DIL's take it as a personal attack, like we're beratting them and we're not.  We're also much more confident, and out spoken...

But all in all, when it comes down to it...I would have never talked or treated anyone for that matter like my DIL has done to me...never...but, I wasn't jealous of her or my husbands love for her...I encouraged it...I just sent a birthday card to my DIL with a money gift.  She returned it...that was an awful thing to do...and anyone who could do such an insulting thing is really telling you how much she hates you and wants to rub it in...I think that is one of the most hurtful things you could do to anyone...and it also speaks volumns about what she has been trying to do all along...cut me out of they're lives as much as posible...you see, this way, she has even more control over her huband and daughter to keep them from me...and it's just awful and hurtful....

So in answer to your quesstion...you have to realize, we're not dealing with the norm...we are dealing with people who have had rough lives...and must create problems to assure they're husbands attention for them...I honestly can't think of anything that I did to my DIL that merrits this behavior.  I wonder what she'd have done if I'd have spoken to her like that, or treated her the way she treated me.  I was always very generous with her and my GD, just as I have been all my life...

Chickie, you can't get into the minds of these people....and we must realize, that, there is nothing we can do but support each other and learn how to deal with it...I hope in some small way, I've made some sense...

Hugs

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: When you were newly married?
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2009, 01:44:40 PM »
Once again, Creme...perfectly said.  You are so wise!! I love every letter of every word you say.  Thank you for you!!

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: When you were newly married?
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2009, 01:59:24 PM »
Creme,
I know everyone will not think this is good but what if you sent her card to your son's work address and said, "I sent this to (DIL) and she sent it back to me.  Will you take it to her for me?  I want her to have it"

I know, it's lame and awful but there has to be somewhere for your heart too!!

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: When you were newly married?
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2009, 03:26:08 PM »
I couldn't do that Chickie...he is home now, but leaving to go back to Afghanistan after Christmas...I haven't even told him she did it...I won't...he doesn't need that on his mind to...he's got to stay focused...besides...I just couldn't do that...then I'd be stooping to her level...it goes against my culture, and the way my parents raised me....I'm over the anger...this thing just has to play itself out they're way, not mine...and I will tell you this...as much as my DIL has done...if she'd come to me tomorrow, I'd forgive her...without question...and I never ever want to be responsible for problems between them....I cut them off once...and it killed me...but I thought I was doing what was best for everyone concerned at the time...I don't want to add to any frustration or problems for my son...it's his life, he loves her with his soul...and I must respect that.