Author Topic: Child Abuse: A waiting game.  (Read 6939 times)

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Invisible

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Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #15 on: January 05, 2010, 05:52:11 PM »
2 Chickiebaby,
I was keeping a photo journal of our visits. Now I have started written documentation. If presented with the opportunity I will show the courts proof of an established relationship. For good reason, child protective services try to keep mother and child together. This situation is not good but at least my GD knows she is wanted. I remind her over and over again.

Redrose,
That is the plan.

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #16 on: January 05, 2010, 05:59:55 PM »
You are her hope.  God bless you! :)

cocobars

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Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #17 on: January 08, 2010, 01:50:18 PM »
I think that's a wonderful plan too!  She needs to know you love her and WANT her!  This has to be heartwrenching for you, but especially her.  You lost your son, but she has lost her whole world.  Dad is gone, and mom has turned into this totally uncaring and unloving person.  You are all she has in this world invisible, and I'm happy you remind her of how much you love her and care about her!  You are doing something for her heart that can't be measured, ever! 

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2010, 02:05:14 PM »
You are so right, Coco...I know what a Grandmother's love can do. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't had mine.  This is extremely hard for Invisible and on her Gdaughter.  I know she will be a cherished angel to her.  God bless her!

Invisible

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Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #19 on: January 09, 2010, 06:46:03 PM »
Cocobars,
The The last few times my GD has been over she starts fussing about not wanting to go home. I think in time this behavior will continue to escalate. I joke with her an tell her she can hide in the closet or under the bed. But she breaks into a big smile.

In her own way my DIL loves her daughter. However, my DIL is a "party girl" who is very interested in "celebrating her life." That is a quote.  However, evidence supports the theory my DIL lacks certain skills that most mothers find to be innate. My DIL believes her daughter needs to "tough it out." She does not have the instinct to care for and protect. Perhaps it is a mother daughter bonding issue. My GD was always with her Dad.

Most mothers will go to the end of the world to protect their children from harm. I never knew what love was until I looked in to my son's eyes.

 
I think that's a wonderful plan too!  She needs to know you love her and WANT her!  This has to be heartwrenching for you, but especially her.  You lost your son, but she has lost her whole world.  Dad is gone, and mom has turned into this totally uncaring and unloving person.  You are all she has in this world invisible, and I'm happy you remind her of how much you love her and care about her!  You are doing something for her heart that can't be measured, ever!

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #20 on: January 09, 2010, 06:53:18 PM »
Dear Invisible,
I know this is addressed to others but I was just wondering if there is any way the DIL would let you have your Granddaughter?  I mean she's celebrating her life, like she said and obviously, the Daughter is getting in her way.

Do you think she would ever consider it?  Or, is she just hanging on for some kind of control?  Oh, this is so sad!

Invisible

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Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #21 on: January 09, 2010, 07:41:28 PM »
2chickiebaby,

You are very insightful. Yes, I have asked my DIL to raise my GD. Even my DIL's mother tried to talk her daughter on my behalf to allow me to raise my granddaughter. Yes, my DIL is celebrating her life and her daughter is in her way. Her motive is control and MONEY.

In time something will happen, perhaps my GD will become very independent/rebellious and my DIL will lose her control. I worry not only about my GD's immediate future but the long term emotional damage and how it will manefest in dysfunctional behaviors.  The relationship between DIL and GD will erode and/or the courts will intervene.

Dear Invisible,
I know this is addressed to others but I was just wondering if there is any way the DIL would let you have your Granddaughter?  I mean she's celebrating her life, like she said and obviously, the Daughter is getting in her way.

Do you think she would ever consider it?  Or, is she just hanging on for some kind of control?  Oh, this is so sad!

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2010, 08:02:39 PM »
I hope the courts intervene soon!!  I am praying for you!  You are such an angel to that child! 

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #23 on: January 10, 2010, 04:11:00 AM »
when this was happening to my son, he was 5 when it started, I went to an attorney...it was his step mother doing the abusing...and it all worked out...but, I will tell you, it was 2 years of hell, worry, fear, and anxiety, wondering the same things as you are...I was furious...furious...and to this day, his stp mother has had one terrible influence over him....he married someone just like her...but, it was my fault...I allowed him to go live full time with his father...when he was 15...he was much much taller then her, plus, he wanted to see what it would be like living with his father, and I couldn't at the time, think...I was so upset, but knowing what I know now, I would have only allowed him to spend summers there, and had him come home for the school year, until he graduated...he spent years, his most formative years...watching his father take so much in verbal putdowns from his step mother....she is very inscure and is high maintenance in the attention department....very  controlling...therefore, he married a woman just like her....so, yes, it certainly did have an impact in his case...he now deems that behavior normal...and it's my fault....I didn't think ahead, or consider what verybal abuse can do...she never hit him again...but, the verbal abuse can be just as bad, not to mention, watching his father put up with it...and deeming it as he should be.

I'm telling you this b/c yes, it can have an impact, if the child is around the woman to long....but she's young enough, that if you get full custody, she will parrot who you are, and realize, her mother was a dysfunctional mother....
« Last Edit: January 10, 2010, 04:15:42 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #24 on: January 10, 2010, 06:23:00 AM »
Dear Creme,
Do the sons go for women who are like their Moms (or the women in their formative years?)

I would be so devastated if I thought I was like your sons stepmother.  I have heard that they do go for women like their Mothers because that's what feels comfortable to them. 

I know I was not abusive in any manner but what if I was in some way and I didn't  know it??  OH!!!!

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #25 on: January 10, 2010, 06:24:40 AM »
HA!  Chickie you are so funny! 

Invisible

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #26 on: January 10, 2010, 09:22:53 AM »
Cremebrulee,

I read somewhere..verbal abuse leaves more of a negative impact than physical. We all remember hurtful words.
My DIL uses vulgarity to describe my GD. She calls her vulgar names to her face. My DIL thinks its funny. I told the investigator for children and family services. OH well.... not important to the state. They are looking for concrete physical abuse...

My GD tells me my mommy called me......"     " and I tell her just because your mother uses bad words doesn't mean it is right. I tell her she is beautiful and smart. Additionally, I tell her bad words are called bad words because they have bad meanings. The words mean the same if they are said by a child or an adult. I tell her if you want a lot of friends don't say mean things. She seems to accept my intolerance for vulgarity.

 
when this was happening to my son, he was 5 when it started, I went to an attorney...it was his step mother doing the abusing...and it all worked out...but, I will tell you, it was 2 years of hell, worry, fear, and anxiety, wondering the same things as you are...I was furious...furious...and to this day, his stp mother has had one terrible influence over him....he married someone just like her...but, it was my fault...I allowed him to go live full time with his father...when he was 15...he was much much taller then her, plus, he wanted to see what it would be like living with his father, and I couldn't at the time, think...I was so upset, but knowing what I know now, I would have only allowed him to spend summers there, and had him come home for the school year, until he graduated...he spent years, his most formative years...watching his father take so much in verbal putdowns from his step mother....she is very inscure and is high maintenance in the attention department....very  controlling...therefore, he married a woman just like her....so, yes, it certainly did have an impact in his case...he now deems that behavior normal...and it's my fault....I didn't think ahead, or consider what verybal abuse can do...she never hit him again...but, the verbal abuse can be just as bad, not to mention, watching his father put up with it...and deeming it as he should be.

I'm telling you this b/c yes, it can have an impact, if the child is around the woman to long....but she's young enough, that if you get full custody, she will parrot who you are, and realize, her mother was a dysfunctional mother....

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #27 on: January 10, 2010, 09:58:41 AM »
I can't imagine what that must make your GD feel like.  That can crush her self esteem permanently, thinking that her own mother (who is your whole world, and your God at a young age) is referring to her with bad language.  Invisible, you hang in there for her and keep telling her how special and loved she is. 

I'm so sorry you are both going through this!

Invisible

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #28 on: January 10, 2010, 01:25:18 PM »
Cocobars,
Short term I think kids are resilient. My GD loves her mother so much. I don't know how much of the abuse has affected her. OK, I saw her flinch and cower in fear when I moved quickly. I know she fears her mother. But I don't know how it has affected her self esteem. I know she is very unsure of herself. I taught her how to roller skate and to ride a bike without training wheels. It took a long time to build her confidence.  But she was so proud of herself when she did it. She proved to herself she can do things. She has a lot of behavioral issues and anger management issues. I will NOT give up on her.

I can't imagine what that must make your GD feel like.  That can crush her self esteem permanently, thinking that her own mother (who is your whole world, and your God at a young age) is referring to her with bad language.  Invisible, you hang in there for her and keep telling her how special and loved she is. 

I'm so sorry you are both going through this!

Invisible

  • Guest
Re: Child Abuse: A waiting game.
« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2010, 01:16:56 PM »
Anna,
I remember when my GD would cry, " I want to go home." Now, she cries she doesn't want to go home. When I drop her off ....her entire demeanor changes. In the car she becomes quiet out side her home in front of her mother she stands quiet, tense, and ridged. It is not the behavior of a relaxed child. I expect things to slowly deteriorate. We shall see.

If I were you...just keep your eyes wide open. I hope your grand child is not being abused.

 
You know my grandson did that a couple of times too, flinched when I moved to quick, & one time even cried.  I scooped him up, hugged him & asked what was wrong.  He changed the subject & said he was OK.  That hasn't happened for a lo mg time now, but it makes me wonder.