Author Topic: I am lost  (Read 3598 times)

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jeanneann

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I am lost
« on: August 05, 2011, 11:43:38 PM »
I have one post on here and just need now to spill out my heart My grandson moved in with me after graduation his mom did not approve.  She and son came to me and told me if i let him move in they would never speak to me again.  I tried and am still trying to help my gs realize he really does love his mom. he says he hates her and really i understand but dont want him to carry that feeling around with him its not healthy  i had gs convinced to live at home when his mom and him got into a fight and she locked him out for 2 days he stayed in his car.  I finally said sleep at my house but u have to call ur mom so he did and she told him he might as well live here.  so he does  he was really hurt by what she said and his dad (my son) wont step in for me or gs.  my daughter in law tells my son what to say so he told me he never wanted to see me again because gs lives here. i asume she didnt tell my son the truth much more has gone wrong and i am sick with the loss of gk and son and gks  our whole family is in term oil over this daughter in law she seems to have something wrong with each of us   

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2011, 12:21:32 AM »
Hi jeanneann.......I  think the problem is the fact your gs does not like his mom and she is trying to make you look bad in his eyes too ...  Once and if they are.friends. again ,the hostility will  die down. Support your gs by all means but avoid slanging matches.between them .Most kids have a rebellious stage , hope it doesn't last too long .

Kate123

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2011, 07:55:26 AM »
Hi Jeanneann, Can you tell us why your grandson is not getting along with his parents? Is he being responsible- working or looking for work etc.?

JudyJudyJudy

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2011, 09:37:20 PM »
Making him sleep in the car for two days sounds kind of mean.  Maybe it was some form of discipline but it seems pretty harsh.  If your grandson was being so unruly around the house for them to want to throw him out, they should be glad he is with you.  Too bad you are caught up in the middle of all this.  I can't give you any advice because I cannot solve my own problem but I do feel your pain.

sesamejane

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2011, 10:14:50 PM »
I would need more info to have an opinion, I think.  Why was he asked to leave his home?  If he has a car, is he an adult?  sometimes kids graduate early and are not quite fully grown.

Sometimes parents have to exercise tough love to help their child grow up, and sometimes it sounds harsh but is the best thing for them.  On the other hand, some parents are abusive and families can be terribly dysfunctional, and children might need the protection of a kindly gm.

So, what is your insight Judy?  What is really going on?  what a pickle... :P

JudyJudyJudy

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2011, 11:32:00 PM »
My insight is that Jeanneann got unfairly mixed up in a family problem because she was trying to help.  Personally, there is nothing I would not do for my grandson so if I were in the same situation they would be angry with me too because I would help him escape his "punishment".  Then, I would talk to my grandson to see what he was doing to cause the trouble and try to help him change his behavior.  Actually, though, sometimes it is the parents who are the ones with the problems and the kids are just trying to run away from it.  Sad but true!  Unfortunately, I do not know how to deal well with angry people but it almost seems that Jeanneann should keep her head down through this so she does not end up taking all the blame when the dust settles...because she is the innocent one in all this...but sometimes the innocent one takes the blame anyway.

Offline Pen

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2011, 11:35:19 PM »
Welcome JeanneAnn and JudyJudyJudy. I hope you don't mind the double welcome :)

If you haven't already done so, please read the pink-highlighted Forum Agreement and How This Happened under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

You'll find a lot of wisdom here as well as support. Glad you found us!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

sesamejane

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #7 on: November 22, 2011, 10:32:53 AM »
Oh so sorry Judy, I meant to ask JeanneAnne what she thinks about it all.  Good to have your point of view too however.  You brought up some very good issues.

JeanneAnne, what are your thoughts about the dynamic at his home?  Is he truly an innocent?  Or is he avoiding, disrespecting, and/or exploiting?

On two occasions I have had to exercise very tough decisions.  Once when I asked my former dh to leave the house because he became involved in drugs and alcohol. His parents took him in, and he continued to drink and drug for years and years unfortunately. they kept telling me, "he's our son!!"  I believe that if they  had been on the same page with me and let him hurt/stew in his own stuff, he might have had a better chance of recovering sooner.  Maybe my kids would have had a better father.

On another occasion, I had to ask my dd to leave (several times!!).  Lucky for me I guess, no other relatives lived nearby, and she had to suffer the slings and arrows of her own behavior.  It straightened her up within a couple of years.  I always told her I loved her, however, and wanted the best for her...just not in my house.  She was highly disrespectful, dishonest, and exploiting at the time because she was hanging around with the wrong crowd and drinking and drugging.  She is fully recovered now and doing so well.  I am happy for her, and our relationship is very good at the moment.  I think we have turned a real  corner (thanks to this site I must say, that has helped me immensily).

I have a very dear friend whose daughter is caught up in heroin.  so incredibly sad.  And my friend is desperate for her and allows her to live in her home.  It is a sad case, and the daughter continues to use.  she is now in her 30s...no real consequences...  why change???  But my friend cannot let go, and she is going down with her - emotionally and financially... my heart breaks for her and for her daughter.

so every situation is different, and we have to follow our hearts and use our wisdom.  I don't think it is ever an easy call. 

I wish the best for all - much love   :-*

Shelby

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2011, 12:27:45 PM »
I swore I'd never post again after the bloodletting on my last thread - but here goes ---

Jeanneann ( JA ) -- I think you are a loving grandmother and meant to be helpful - but sometimes we do not realize the unintended consequences of what we do.  I am a 60 year old MIL, so I definitely see things from the MIL perspective.  I also have adult children, so I know what the teenage years are like -- challenging even with the best of kids.

I have to ask - is the kid a responsible delight and the parents are abusive and unreasonable?  If so, then I'd probably take the kid in and decide that saving him was more important than my relationship with my son and DIL.

However, if the parents are responsible, reasonable, and the kid is just being a typical, defiant, immature kid, then I think that providing a haven for him when the parents are trying tough love is interfering with their discipline and the kid's need to grow up. 

Sometimes parents are quite reasonable in kicking the kid out - look at the "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished" thread started by elsieshaye.   Elsie has bent over backward for her son - he is abusive - and she has drawn the line and kicked him out.  Probably the best thing she ever did for him.  He will eventually realize that his actions have consequences, and that he needs to treat others with respect.   If I were Elsie, and my mother or MIL had taken the kid in, I would feel that the GM had done an end run around me and my husband - that by providing a haven for the immature brat she was undercutting our efforts to instill responsibility in our kid, and intruding into our right as parents to discipline our kid.  i would definitely chill towards that GM, who had yanked the rug out from under us as parents. 

If the parents are not abusive, awful people, you might consider sitting your grandson down, telling him you love him, but his parents do too, and that this is between him and them, that you can't interfere in their dispute and relationship - that by providing him a haven it might appear that you have "taken sides" - and you would never want to do that.  He and his parents need to work it out.  He is (presumably) a young adult now - and that as a guest in his parents home he needs to respect their rules, etc - or go on his own - but not put you in the middle and ask you to take sides.  Then an apology to son and DIL for accidentally interfering might be in order. 

On the other hand, if the parents are abusive and awful, you need to provide the haven to the grandkid - and be willing to tell DS and DIL that his safety and emotional well-being is more important than keeping your relationship with them if it means you have to watch your grandchild submit to bullying and abuse. 

Not knowing the kid or the facts - i can't say which it is - but I do think that when a third party interferes with a parents "tough love" - there had better be a very good reason.

JA - I am sorry this sounds harsh - I know what it's like to have good intentions but the other party doesn't see things the way I do.  I just think the parental relationship is paramount, and you have to let them handle discipline issues with the kid unless there's real mistreatment by the parents.

Finally - I don't see this as just a DIL issue - I think she and your son seem to be together on this - so it's you vs the Parents (both of them) not just you vs the DIL


Shelby

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #9 on: November 22, 2011, 12:32:36 PM »


If the parents are not abusive, awful people, you might consider sitting your grandson down, telling him you love him, but his parents do too, and that this is between him and them, that you can't interfere in their dispute and relationship - that by providing him a haven it might appear that you have "taken sides" - and you would never want to do that.  He and his parents need to work it out.  He is (presumably) a young adult now - and that as a guest in his parents home he needs to respect their rules, etc - or go on his own - but not put you in the middle and ask you to take sides.  Then an apology to son and DIL for accidentally interfering might be in order. 



JA - and if this is the case, when you have the conversation with the GK and tell him you would never take sides, you need to tell him he can't stay with you anymore -  because it gives the appearance of you having taken sides against his parents.

JMO.

sesamejane

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #10 on: November 22, 2011, 01:06:35 PM »
Very well said Shelby.  I agree completely. :-*

Offline Doe

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #11 on: November 23, 2011, 08:05:26 AM »
Jeanneann
She and son came to me and told me if i let him move in they would never speak to me again.

More and more this tactic reads like something bratty children do, imo.   If someone choses to never speak to me again, that's their choice but it certainly reduces the possibility of any positive outcome.

Jeanneann, you did what you did because you are who you are.  Don't kick yourself for doing what you feel was right.  You and your grandson are both adults and she is not the boss of you or him (anymore).

Shelby

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #12 on: November 23, 2011, 09:20:33 AM »
Jeanneann
She and son came to me and told me if i let him move in they would never speak to me again.

More and more this tactic reads like something bratty children do, imo.   If someone choses to never speak to me again, that's their choice but it certainly reduces the possibility of any positive outcome.


Doe - you have a really good point about the way son and DIL approached OP.  It should have been something more like -- "Mom, we know you mean well and you love GS, but we need you to respect how we are handling his (underage drinking /poor grades /disrespectful attitude towards us /whatever the problem was) and stay neutral and uninvolved."

The son and DIL really drew a line in the sand with threats to never speak to OP again.  Sorry I missed that in my first post.  Thanks for catching it.

Thanks also for your support on previous thread.  It truly meant a lot to me at a very down time.  So, Thanks  :)

Hope you have a good Thanksgiving.

Offline Doe

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #13 on: November 23, 2011, 12:43:34 PM »
Welcome back Shelby - I missed you!

Offline Glenda

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Re: I am lost
« Reply #14 on: November 24, 2011, 07:01:47 AM »
Hi Jeanneann.  You did exactly what I would do.  I would encourage gs to talk it over with parents, tell him that they do love him.  I would explain to ds & dil, that gs could be living somewhere else while all this is going on, somewhere way less healthy than a gp house.  I think if this happens down the road our ds & dil would be happy gs came to us.  I would do everything in my power to reunite gs with his parents, cause family is the most important thing in the world to have.  I would also tell ds & dil that I am not taking sides, just providing gs with a place to stay till everything is worked out.