Author Topic: Sad stories/ Families destroyed  (Read 2866 times)

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mom2

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Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« on: December 11, 2009, 09:23:59 PM »
I don't talk about this often because it is still very painful for me but I have a story to share.

My brothers wife did not like our mom, no reason, she just didn't and did not try to hide it. Maybe it was a dil/ mil thing I don't know.
My brother was not allowed to come to our house so his time spent with our parents was very limited.
I remember on one Christmas brother and his wife bought her mom a new recliner and mom got a cheap rag rug.. this hurt mom deeply and that was just one thing among so many.
Our mother, unexpectedly, passed away at 45 yrs. old and my brother grieved many years over that.. I remember both of us standing by her casket and I made a comment about not being able to live without her and my brother said " at least you didn't treat her like I did". I hated how he had treated mom but I felt sorry for how he was feeling.
From then on, he had hard feelings with his wife and eventually their marriage fell apart.
My brother once told me, years after mom was gone, that he had even allowed his wife and her family to talk about our mother ( he cried when he told me this ). No one in our family ever reminded my brother of how he had treated mom.. we didn't have to because his misery was enough.
Our mother was precious, kind and loved her children and grandchildren with all her heart... she never understood why her son treated her the way he did; she went to her grave not knowing and my brother could never come to terms with why he did it.

Maybe some dil's don't realize it but they are, emotionally hurting their husbands.

This is a story a friend once told me :
Her brother had to park in the alley and sneak to see their 90 yr. old mother because his wife would not allow it.

I feel so sorry for all of us.



2chickiebaby

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2009, 09:36:37 PM »
Your story just breaks my heart, Mom....such a wasted life with horrible regrets. I hope I come to the end of my life with no regrets. I hope your brother finds some peace in his life too.  I know this hurts you deeply.  So sorry. :'(

Offline Pen

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2009, 11:26:46 PM »
This is so sad...my heart is breaking for all the MILs who have had to face this. Being treated this way is affecting these women physically, mentally and emotionally. It should be classed as a form of abuse. Remember when elder abuse was discussed often a few years back? I wonder if there are stats on who the perpetrators tended to be? When I'm old and infirm I don't want my DIL, the way she is now, taking care of me anymore than she wants the job...and I hope DS continues to 'have a pair' so he can make his own decisions.

I must admit that when I think of the future I see the possibility of something similar happening to me, and then I try to stop because I don't want to put that thought out into the universe. I don't understand how women, who one assumes love their husbands, can do this to them, because these DSs are in pain. I don't understand how sons can treat their mothers this way. My DIL can say the cruelest, most self-centered, mean things about others, me included, yet she gets all weepy and outraged if she suspects someone is mistreating an animal.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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cremebrulee

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2009, 09:21:41 AM »
I don't talk about this often because it is still very painful for me but I have a story to share.

My brothers wife did not like our mom, no reason, she just didn't and did not try to hide it. Maybe it was a dil/ mil thing I don't know.
My brother was not allowed to come to our house so his time spent with our parents was very limited.
I remember on one Christmas brother and his wife bought her mom a new recliner and mom got a cheap rag rug.. this hurt mom deeply and that was just one thing among so many.
Our mother, unexpectedly, passed away at 45 yrs. old and my brother grieved many years over that.. I remember both of us standing by her casket and I made a comment about not being able to live without her and my brother said " at least you didn't treat her like I did". I hated how he had treated mom but I felt sorry for how he was feeling.
From then on, he had hard feelings with his wife and eventually their marriage fell apart.
My brother once told me, years after mom was gone, that he had even allowed his wife and her family to talk about our mother ( he cried when he told me this ). No one in our family ever reminded my brother of how he had treated mom.. we didn't have to because his misery was enough.
Our mother was precious, kind and loved her children and grandchildren with all her heart... she never understood why her son treated her the way he did; she went to her grave not knowing and my brother could never come to terms with why he did it.

Maybe some dil's don't realize it but they are, emotionally hurting their husbands.

This is a story a friend once told me :
Her brother had to park in the alley and sneak to see their 90 yr. old mother because his wife would not allow it.

I feel so sorry for all of us.

I feel so badly for all of you as well, and especially bad for your brother...he will live with the guilt of that for the rest of his life...God bless him...and this is what I fear our son's might also go thru someday....

I have a friend who did the same thing to his mother for his wife...now, they're divorced...I asked him why he did it and he said..."So I could sleep at night....otherwise, it would have been hell to pay if I went against her".  So now, his mother is ill, and he is retiring in Feb. and going to go live with her and take care of her...but all those years lost....so utterly despairing....

Hugs to you and your family....isn't it amazing what one person can do to so many other lives?

I wish, I really wish of all the talk shows on TV, they would get a clue and bring this to light...so that many American's would not only realize the pain they're children put them through, but also let them know, this is unacceptable behavior and a very cruel thing to do to anyone....

yanno, even if your MIL is a pain in the butt...you don't have to like her, but at least be decent to her and allow her to be part of your family....sheeesh...how ugly some of these women are inside.  I used to think my DIL was a knock out...looked like someone who stepped off of the front of a magazine...now when I look at her, I can only see heartache and pain...and feel nothing for her...she is no longer beautiful to me...

and I don't hate her...she is just someone I no longer want in my life...
I hate the life my son is living, and I hate the fact that he must actually believe he deserves so little. 

Do you know, other then my mother, he has no contact with immediate family on my side, or friends...can you imagine after 12 -13 years of that, how utterly embarrassing that is....????? 

I was told by almost everyone on my side of the family, that she was so rude to them at the wedding.  She sent a thank you card to my cousin for they're gifts, do you know what it said?  Thanks for the stuff???  Can't tell you how utterly embarrassed I was when they told me that....

It's bad enough that these men (our sons) allow them to get away with this...but the lives they allow they're wives to destroy....I could shake my son...what is wrong with him...he used to be so outgoing...so alive, he'd love to joke around all the time, so happy and fun....he had so many hobbies...then, all of a sudden nothing...he does nothing for himself but work...if they go to a concert, it's someone SHE wants to see...if they go anywhere, it's always where She wants to go...she has no concept that maybe, just maybe, he's working his heart out at 3 jobs and now putting his life on the line over in Afghanastan but hell, she keeps running up the charges and dressing her and her child that I am no longer allowed to see...in clothes that you see movie stars wear?  Sheeesh....

I could shake him while screaming at him, what is wrong with you, do you know how short life is...why, why in God's name have you allowed her to treat you adn your family like this?

And why does his father, just sit back and ignore it all....b/c he lives with the same kind of woman!  That's why...

« Last Edit: December 17, 2009, 09:28:08 AM by cremebrulee »

mom2

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2009, 08:00:46 PM »
Creme,

Nice post .

I know that not ALL dil's are like this but so many are.. I think they grab onto ownership when they marry our sons and just are not going to allow anyone in their husbands lives that love him ( or better yet.. who he loves ).. they feel threatened by that.

I was just like you and thought our dil was all that.. she is very crafty, a good cook and just had so many great qualities BUT now all I see is someone who, pretty much, destroyed my life, someone mean and ugly. I no longer have the desire to be around her at all and if she doesn't want me in her life/ family.. that all works out b/c I don't want to be. I love my son but have no desire to be close to him again. Where my heart is.. is where they put it.

I don't know who's post it was that said they blame their son now but so do I.. he has allowed this. I would never expect him to go against his wife ( in the right things ) but this is far from right. I just became hated for no reason at all except my title.

I have , honestly, sat and thought ' I hope my son can always justify his actions toward his family because I would never want him to hurt like my brother did.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2009, 03:17:26 AM »
Dear Mom,
When you said, 'you would never ask him to go against his wife'.....I know what you mean....nothing would make us want him to 'go against his wife'!

But right is right and when you come to a situation that is not right, you would tell your kids not to do that, your friends never to say or do that, your Mom and Dad not to do that (for their own good and also because what they are doing is not right)

You can't somehow, though tell your wife not to say or do whatever she's doing.  Why is that?  Why can't you say, 'hey, that's my MOM and DAD, don't talk to or about them that way!"

Wouldn't that be what she would tell him about her Mom and Dad?  I think she would but he can't....it's against the rules.  Who made these rules up?   

Cling to your wife?  Leave your Mom and Dad?  What is conveniently left out is, "honor your Father and Mother so that your days will be long"  Sometimes even people who have no religion can quote the 'Leave your Mother and Father' to justify themselves but they leave the other out.

When you said, 'where my heart is, they put it there'....that should be on a plaque or something.  Very profound.  Very true.  We can be torn apart by it and have our hearts broken by disrespect and apathy. 




cremebrulee

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2009, 05:09:42 AM »
Good Morning Ladies
I shared this tragic story about the brother, loosing his mother, then his wife...and the guilt he felt,  yesterday at our lunch table.  The conversation started when I was asked if I'd be seeing my son over Christmas...my boss said to me..."I cannot believe your son has been over in Afghanistan, comes home for Christmas, and still has not seen you in over 3 years?"  He told me, if this was his son, he would be devestated...crushed and destroyed, adding, and I have two sons...and your situation, scares the life out of me...what would I do, he exclaimed and then hugged me...I couldn't hold back the tears.  One of the girls said to me...Creme, I cannot believe this is happening to you...you are one of the nicest people I know...well, believe me, then the tears really started to fall....

It is no secret to many I work with, what is going on in my life.  All of them, cannot understand why my son would be so cruel and not realize all of this...one man, and exec...told me...there is no way on this earth my wife would dictate to me that I couldn't see my family...especially my mother....I'd tell her right out...that I'm going, she is welcome to join us, but if she goes, she behaves herself.  He then added...my wife, though, would never do such a heartless thing...I married a wonderful woman.

He then asked me, what Creme, did you do, that you desersed this kind of treatment for 12 years....

This was my reply....I don't know how this all started...but my first visit down there, my son went to work...she and her sister said, they were going shopping...I said, ok, good...(thinking it would be nice for the two of them to have quality time together)  So, they left at 9 a.m. and didn't return until approx. 8:30 that evening...which I thought was very rude, but didn't say anything.  When they arrived home, she kept going in and out of the bedroom, her sister told me she had a headache...and looked very annoyed.  When my son arrived home...she jumped over the sofa into his arms screaming, "HONEY", as if he had been gone for years...later I realized, she was pretending being around me was awful. 

The entire time I was there, her and her sister spoke to me very little, and as each day went by, it got worse and worse, they were more aloof and distant...would not initiate any kind of conversation...

I don't know what I did...but wanted to get out of there in the worst way.  I feared really verbally loosing my temper and giving them both a what for.

We went out dancing, I asked her to dance several times...she snapped, NO!  I saw her and my son arguing at the end of the bar...asked her sister, why were they arguing...she tells me..."Oh he's all pissed off b/c we had a bet going between us, which one of us was going to pick up a guy first"  I was horrified?  But I was supposed to forget that...and forgive....

I was told that the reasons she was angry with me, was b/c I didn't eat the breakfast she prepared...I wasn't hungry, I never eat breakfast and my son told her that..plus, after the way she had been treating me, I was so upset, I feared if I ate anything I would literally loose my cookies.  So on that first visit I can't tell you any more than that, b/c I don't know...I clammed up, was shaking all over and was almost ready to loose it, and tell her she had treated me like no other friend of my sons ever.  But, I kept my mouth shut...wanted to cry, scream, and fear...the fear I felt was soul deep, b/c I knew, somehow, that this was the way she was...I could loose my son and any grandchildren forever...this was the love of his life...and she hated me...and treated me deplorable. 

Last time I visited, I was also told that I shouldn't have said that my GD was a tomboy, that that hurt her terrrible....???

I was also told that one time when we were talking about the people at they're church...they were talking about the motor cycle people there, and I said, well, my aunt rode a harley, and she was high maintenance....so, that pissed her off...

I repeated the story about the second time I was there, they both went to work...I heard her arrive home and met her at the door with a hello...she gave me such a look, angry and never took her coat off, walked in the door and opened every single cabinet in the kitchen and slammed every door shut as she did so.  Then stormed into her bedroom and didn't come out until my son arrived home and was all kind and sweet??????  My son told me later, that she was mad b/c I was reading a book and ignored her.  That was a lie...when she arrived home, I met her at the door, and when she started slamming doors and greated me so poorly I went back into the living room picked up a book and started to read...I was scared to death of her or saying anything....she has one heck of a temper.  I wanted to scream, what did I do now????

I believe she was angry b/c I was in her house?  I don't know?

The last time I was there, she was cleaning up the kitchen and I asked her if I could help...She snapped..."Oh calm down and go away".  My son wasn't in the room....but when my son was in the room, she copied a tape from the church and pretended to be kind to me....

There are so many other incidents like this, like her getting up and walking out of my home, b/c my son was telling me about the police force, or while we were in a resturant...she did the same thing...again, my son was talking about his job...

Well, after they heard my story, they just shook they're heads...my one younger girlfriend said...."Oh she is just looking for stuff", she said, no matter what you do, your damned if you do and damned if you don't.  And the fact of the matter is, YOUR SON knows full well what is going on...and he allows her to treat you that way....and excuses her behavior.  She said, Creme, I've known you for over 11 years...and I will tell you this, if I ever have known anyone who doesn't deserve this, it's you.  Then she started really getting angry and said, do you have any idea what my husband would do if I'd treat his mother like this?  Creme...you haven't done anything...your son's head is in the sand, and all the while, she's controlling him and pushed you out of his life...there is no reason for this what-so-ever, and you have tried and tried...and one day, unfortunately, your son will be just like that woman's brother...ridden with guilt for what he has done to you...this stuff she's using against you on purpose...and don't you assume any responsiblity for this...none!  I've known all your moods and even in your worst moods, your still accomodating and kind...forgiving..sheesh, I can't believe what you have put up with both of them....

so, these words of support and verification from them, plus this website, has been a god sent, b/c after awhile, you tend to start questioning yourself...it makes you feel like a criminal...very low and chips away at your self esteme...I am so thankful for not only the support here, but the support of my co-workers and from my son's friends...I have recieved the nicest emails from them, telling me things they will never forget about all the time they spent in our home...one of them said that a prayer I taught him, he now says with his children...and he added, your son is crazy, he doesn't realize what he is missing, and making his daughter miss...and he vowed to stop by and visit me, and keep in contact with me always...and said, he always thought of me as his second mom...isn't that a nice thing to say? 

So, Praise God for the strength all those words of support bring...

I won't be writing much here anymore...I'll be off for the Holiday...so
thank you Ladies for your thoughts, insight, support, many kind comments and your love and understanding...wishing and praying that your son's and MIL's wake up...God bless you and see you all next year...
Love
Creme








cremebrulee

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2009, 06:03:59 AM »
Dear Mom,
When you said, 'you would never ask him to go against his wife'.....I know what you mean....nothing would make us want him to 'go against his wife'!

But right is right and when you come to a situation that is not right, you would tell your kids not to do that, your friends never to say or do that, your Mom and Dad not to do that (for their own good and also because what they are doing is not right)

You can't somehow, though tell your wife not to say or do whatever she's doing.  Why is that?  Why can't you say, 'hey, that's my MOM and DAD, don't talk to or about them that way!"

Wouldn't that be what she would tell him about her Mom and Dad?  I think she would but he can't....it's against the rules.  Who made these rules up?   

Cling to your wife?  Leave your Mom and Dad?  What is conveniently left out is, "honor your Father and Mother so that your days will be long"  Sometimes even people who have no religion can quote the 'Leave your Mother and Father' to justify themselves but they leave the other out.

When you said, 'where my heart is, they put it there'....that should be on a plaque or something.  Very profound.  Very true.  We can be torn apart by it and have our hearts broken by disrespect and apathy.

Leaving your mom and dad upon getting married, is the healthy and natural way....but, to estrange them from your life....is so awful...what a shock to the system it is....

And by the way, there are tons of wonderful DIL's and MIL's out there who get along famiously...they are simply not in here writing, they have no need to....


Offline Pen

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2009, 07:15:07 AM »
Creme, I know we're not supposed to analyze people, but your DIL's behavior sounds kind of looney ;)

You've got a hard row to hoe, as my DGF used to say. Thank you for sharing your difficult story. We'll be thinking of you during the holidays! Take care of yourself..
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2009, 07:30:04 AM »
yes, I think her DIL is as looney as a Betsy Bug.....I hope Creme will comfort herself knowing that.  I think she doesn't want Creme to know how sad she is inside. 

mom2

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2009, 05:49:58 PM »
Right on Anna !!
I agree.. it's high time we mothers put the blame where it should be.. on our sons b/c if we think about it.. our dils never had any obligation to us, our sons did !!  In all honesty I couldn't even say dil hurt me ; what hurt me was that my son was allowing all this.. OMG !!!!! I am his mother!!!
I really wouldn't care if I never seen dil again . My son does not have a pair he acts like a girl !!!!

I'm sick and tired of being treated like crap too.. that's why I fight back now

mom2

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2009, 06:55:09 PM »
Creme,

You are so right, it does seem like even people with no religion can quote the scripture about a  man leaving his father and mother when he gets married But that is taken out of context because even when Jesus was on the cross he made sure his mother would be cared for in the event of his death; he also made sure that who he entrusted her care to was someone he himself loved. He did feel great obligation toward his mother. Jesus was 33 yrs of age when he died.


                                               ( John 19: 25,26,27 )
     
 25 Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene.  26 When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Dear woman, here is your son,”  27 and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.           

2chickiebaby

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2009, 07:02:50 PM »
I'm so sorry, Mom...bless you!  All of us are hurting right now. I'll be glad when these holidays are over

cremebrulee

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #13 on: December 20, 2009, 03:49:36 AM »
Creme, I think that some day our sons will be ridden with guilt.  I don't want that for my son, but I know it will happen, cause I know my son.  I think that scares a lot of our dils.  The fact that we do KNOW our sons, or at least the sons we had before they married.  My son has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know.  That's why I struggle with him letting dil treat me the way she does.  I still love my son, but I have lost a lot of respect for him.  I think, now, our sons need to earn back our respect.  They have hurt us so much along with our dils.  We shouldn't have to just sit back & take whatever they dish out.  I have started fighting back.  I love my grandchildren, & my son, but I think my New Years resolution is going to be not to let anyone treat me with disrespect, or treat me like crap.  I'm just not going to take that anymore.


Our sons, all of us, seem to be the same way...really passive...nice people, my son's friend told me, that DS was always such a generally nice person...to nice for his own good...but, for our son's to allow their wives to treat us like they have is so wrong.

cremebrulee

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Re: Sad stories/ Families destroyed
« Reply #14 on: December 20, 2009, 03:54:36 AM »
Right on Anna !!
I agree.. it's high time we mothers put the blame where it should be.. on our sons b/c if we think about it.. our dils never had any obligation to us, our sons did !!  In all honesty I couldn't even say dil hurt me ; what hurt me was that my son was allowing all this.. OMG !!!!! I am his mother!!!
I really wouldn't care if I never seen dil again . My son does not have a pair he acts like a girl !!!!

I'm sick and tired of being treated like crap too.. that's why I fight back now

your absolutely right, you go girl!  I could care less about my DIL one way or the other...and I will tell you this...it is VERY difficult to not dislike her...I keep trying to understand her by remembering, she did not grow up like us, or like our sons, she had a very very dysfunctional childhood...which helps.  My door is never closed to her, but....she will never ever get away with talking to me as I've allowed her to do in the past...believe me...I don't believe she will ever come around, as she is embarrassed now that she knows I know she threw away gifts I sent to my GD...she's a very weak person to have caused all this pain among family members...and I think, eventually in this life, she will reap what she sews.  What really makes me laugh, in disgust is, that she goes to church?????  Amazing...how they justify they're sins against us.