Author Topic: Feeling Invisible  (Read 977 times)

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Nan123

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Feeling Invisible
« on: July 16, 2011, 11:40:31 AM »
please help! My problem isn't just the Mother In Law... but the whole dynamic of the family. They are so closed knit- they don't include anyone else. When we visit- my MIL will ask me to keep a watch on all of the grandkids so her son (my husband) and his sisters can have some quality time... ALONE. weird. They go on walk alone... they go on trips to the store alone... they do everything alone- while I'm left watching the kids. My MIL always talks about memories and the families history from when her kids were young... I respect that - but the family refuses to talk about anything BUT that. These trips down memory lane leave me out. I've memorized all of these stories becuase they are repeated over and over. If I try to be part of the conversation and say, "I know that story!" She'll say, "No you don't... you never met those people."
My brother in laws harldy even come around anymore because they couldn't stand it. I'm trying to stay strong- but find it harder and harder each year that passes- I've been married to my husband (and this family) for 13 years now. I told my husband how I feel and he said that I do the same thing with my family... I can guarantee you I do not. When I  married I made a new family unit. I didn't leave my old family behind... I still have a VERY close reltationship with them all. But they do know that my heart and home are with my husband - they are welcome to be part of our lives or not. They know he always comes first. I don't know how to go from being put first all of the time- to being dropped like a sack of potatoes the second they come around... I'm tired of being invisible. HELP!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Feeling Invisible
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2011, 11:50:54 AM »
Welcome - tough stuff. I  think I would decline the exclusive invitations knowing I was going to be the unpaid help. And I'd look very closely at DH's accusation to make sure he isn't left our, set aside or talked around. You have a choice regarding how much open disrespect (in the name of "family solidarity") you are going to take. Talk with your guy. Describe the repetitive pattern and ask him when the last time was that he was left with the grandkids so you could run and play with your FOO. To me, this seems like a very subtle and cleverly masked variety of abuse. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Feeling Invisible
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2011, 12:06:24 PM »
Nan 123:
If it was me , I would refuse to go , simple .
you are excluded when you are there , so why bother .If they ask why you are not attending , tell them .

Nan123

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Re: Feeling Invisible
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2011, 12:15:36 PM »
Thank you for your response. My family dynamic is much different. We were raised in an intelligent household where we were encouraged to share our opinions. My husbands family is NOT like that. At first when I was younger and more immature with a loose tongue- I glady offered my own opinion only to have the family look at me in horror stating _ You simply don't EVER disagree with them_.
Maybe I burned my bridge.
It seems like my MIL wants to prove she is the most important thing in her son's life- and has always been threatened by me. She didn't have that prob with her daughters- because the men were fine with not being part of family.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Feeling Invisible
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2011, 01:16:22 PM »
I could understand if you were newly weds , but your MIL should now accept that her DS is married
and she is now second on his list .
All we moms miss our DS when they get married , but if we are willing to accept our DIL as part
of the family , our sons will find their way back too .
It's up to your DH to form a united front beside you .
We all like family get togethers but not at the expense of hurting someone's feelings .
Time to explain to your DH exactly how you feel , and why you will not be going to the next one , until you are
included .after 13 years married you will have your own family stories to share .

Offline Pooh

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Re: Feeling Invisible
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2011, 11:46:33 AM »
Welcome Nan and when you get a change, please read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First.  Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all members to do so to familiarize themselves with the forum rules.

I'm with the others.  I would put this one back on DH and explain that you don't mind him hanging with his family, but if they don't want to include you, then you can go do something else.  I'm with Luise.  They are abusing your good nature.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell