Author Topic: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.  (Read 2331 times)

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SassyDI

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This is about my bestfriend and her sister I don't really know how to handle without hurting my BFF.  A little back story I met my bff back in my late teen years at a job.  We got close in our 20's and now into our 30's.  Her sister use to work with us too and she and her sister are super close.  So of course it was always just knowen her sister would be invited usually too.  I truley had no problem it back then and I really don't have to much of a problem with it now.  When we do our friends get together her sister is always included.  I always knew her sister was standoffish but I didn't truely feel the pain until the birth of my bff son. 

The first time was when I offered to make her a invitation for her baby shower.  I make all of DD on the computer though a software program that i have been working on for a few years now because its not an easy program to work.  She told me her sister wanted to do it so I backed off.  Well shortly before the invites went out I got a texted asking for me to give step by step instruction on how to do the program.  I explained to my BFF that it wasn't that easy but I would be more then willing to show her sister.  She informs me later her sister just went out and bought regular invites that she (sister) could figure it. 

A few other things have happen but this weekend it was so uncomforable.  Over the weekend we got together for lunch with my BFF, her husband and sister.  BFF and I made plans and it was my idea to include her sister.(I know aweful of me right)  The vibe from the table was so negitive even my DH could feel it as he told me it before I even said a word.  BFF's sister I will start calling her BFFS does photography.  BFF told me if I need pictures done for DD it would be helpful to BFFS to have her do them since she is starting up a bussiness.  I was like ok but our state is basically a water mess right now due to all the storms.  Well at lunch I sit down hello and a while later we are talking about pictures so i say "YOur going to do DD pictures right." She responded with “Yeah I guess.”  Wow to show you enjoy your work.  Then tying to make conversation I ask about prices and she responds “Go look on the website.”  BFF jokingly says “BFFS you need to sell yourself.”   Then later BFF’s son who is still a baby was holding his bottle all by himself.  We both are pretty busy so I haven’t seen her in a few months.  I said “ahh he can hold his bottle.”  Where I get the response from BFFS “Yeah he’s been doing it for a while now.” In a snotty voice.  My bff made me laugh inside when she replyed “Actually he just started doing that”   I don’t get why a comment like that was needed at all I was just commenting how big he was getting.  When bff and I were talking kids stuff she turned away when I was telling BFF some of the stuff I did when DD was a baby.  We were just having a little chit chat nothing serious or judging but you could tell she didn’t like it. I truly believe that she does not like the fact that BFF calls me an Aunt.  Truthfully its none of her business. 
And now I feel trapped about pictures I don’t know if it’s a good idea if BFFS takes them for me.  I mean I think if I have a suggestion or say I don’t like something I might get my head bitten off.  I don’t want to hurt my bff but I just don’t know how to let them know without being mean that I don’t feel comfortable.  She is going to ask why and this is her sister so its not going to be easy to hear.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2011, 05:42:28 PM »
I wonder if a moment of truth isn't approaching when you are going to pull back because the "package deal" isn't working for you and there's not way to be "politically correct." My guess is that's what I'd do. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

SassyDI

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2011, 05:47:59 PM »
If it were only that simple.  But my BFFS said if the packaged need to be tweeked we could do that.  Futher to be honest I am not sure if I want to continue to invite someone who doesn't want to really be around me.  Flat out her sister does not like me.  I think in part because well before me she was the only one her sister was close too. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2011, 06:14:38 PM »
That's what I meant. I simply isn't working. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

SassyDI

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2011, 06:18:54 PM »
That's what I meant. I simply isn't working. Sending love...

ok

Offline Pen

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2011, 06:48:13 PM »
Good luck, SassyDI. You're in a sticky situation. I hope all comes out OK for all involved.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

SassyDI

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2011, 06:53:16 PM »
Good luck, SassyDI. You're in a sticky situation. I hope all comes out OK for all involved.

LOL thanks.  Its so hard too because the one person I go for advice is the one person I can't go to right now.  I really care for her but really I can't keep getting smacked in the face by her sister.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2011, 08:22:35 PM »
Well, you've got us!  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

SassyDI

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2011, 03:58:48 AM »
Well, you've got us!  :)

Thank you I truley mean that.  Going to bite the bullet soon or later.  Just not ready yet.  I guess I have to think if our friendship is strong enough it will be ok if it isn't maybe it was never as strong as I thought it was.  I have no ill will towards her sister I just don't feel like being abused by snotty comments when I am paying good money to have something done.

seasons

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2011, 04:32:41 AM »
Often it isn't a good idea to employ friends or relatives for jobs because you will not be able to maintain the detached professional relationship that is necessary in order to negotiate a good contract and later assess whether what you wanted is indeed what has been delivered.  Resentments often occur in even the best-intended situations.  The rule seems to be that money and duties to relatives or friends make a potentially explosive mixture.  How badly do you need those pictures anyway?  Wouldn't it be nice, and oh so peaceful, to just let it all slide... 

My family has no idea how often I have engaged in a little sanity-saving forgetfulness ...  at various times ...  in my life.

SassyDI

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2011, 04:40:53 AM »
Often it isn't a good idea to employ friends or relatives for jobs because you will not be able to maintain the detached professional relationship that is necessary in order to negotiate a good contract and later assess whether what you wanted is indeed what has been delivered.  Resentments often occur in even the best-intended situations.  The rule seems to be that money and duties to relatives or friends make a potentially explosive mixture.  How badly do you need those pictures anyway?  Wouldn't it be nice, and oh so peaceful, to just let it all slide... 

My family has no idea how often I have engaged in a little sanity-saving forgetfulness ...  at various times ...  in my life.

They are for DD 3rd birthday I want new pictures and have a local park in mind.  My sis's FSIL uses a place for reasonablly priced pictures and I want to use that person instead.  I think its a better idea.  My bff was hoping by using me BFFS could have more pictures besides her's to use on BFFS webpage.

seasons

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2011, 05:36:27 AM »
Often it isn't a good idea to employ friends or relatives for jobs because you will not be able to maintain the detached professional relationship that is necessary in order to negotiate a good contract and later assess whether what you wanted is indeed what has been delivered.  Resentments often occur in even the best-intended situations.  The rule seems to be that money and duties to relatives or friends make a potentially explosive mixture.  How badly do you need those pictures anyway?  Wouldn't it be nice, and oh so peaceful, to just let it all slide... 

My family has no idea how often I have engaged in a little sanity-saving forgetfulness ...  at various times ...  in my life.

They are for DD 3rd birthday I want new pictures and have a local park in mind.  My sis's FSIL uses a place for reasonablly priced pictures and I want to use that person instead.  I think its a better idea.  My bff was hoping by using me BFFS could have more pictures besides her's to use on BFFS webpage.

seasons

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2011, 05:39:21 AM »
Oh. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2011, 06:54:02 AM »
I am with Luise.  I think it is time to have a heart-to-heart with BFF and be truthful.  I think the way you have phrased everything about it here is very nice.  Since BFF was present during all the comments, I would hope she would understand. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cd1029

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Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2011, 09:44:18 AM »
Get someone else to do your pictures.  there is too much drama with the sister.