Author Topic: Calming thoughts needed  (Read 2685 times)

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Offline elsieshaye

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Calming thoughts needed
« on: May 24, 2011, 08:26:42 AM »
DS graduates (hopefully) in about 3 weeks.  He will be 18 in about 4 months, and there is court ordered visitation once a month with his father.  His father is coming in to town for the graduation and will be here two days, and I find myself getting rather stressed.  Working hard to avoid "borrowing trouble" by anticipating bad behavior on his part, but I am somewhat concerned that if he doesn't feel sufficiently revered by DS, or doesn't feel that DS spent enough time with him, XH will go on the offensive.   

Their relationship over the past few months has deteriorated greatly, and I have become the bad guy by insisting that visitation happen in our town rather than XH's (over five hours away) because I feel there's less potential for a seriously bad outcome up here where DS feels more secure and can escape to his friend's houses or back home if needed, rather than being stranded 300 miles away with no way to get home if XH gets difficult.  Besides some nasty emails, there has been no real fallout from XH about this, but I worry that might change if he's not happy with how things go during his upcoming visit.

There's nothing he can really do besides be annoying, so my anxiety is purely a factor of my historical fear of his anger and disapproval, and not because he really has any power to cause genuine harm to DS or me.  But that doesn't make me less anxious.  Please send me some prayers and good vibes so that I can maintain my cool and keep my anxiety under good control.  If you can also tack on some prayers/vibes that DS actually graduates, that would be awesome too. :)

Thanks for listening.  Three months, four weeks until this never has to be a concern for me again, ever.  I just have to make sure I focus on handling whatever happens calmly and remembering that, whatever XH does, it will pass and all will be well.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

LaurieS

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2011, 08:29:26 AM »
It will be a joyous event.. I'm sure everyone will be on their best behavior... congrats to your son

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2011, 08:42:02 AM »
Sending prayers up for you, Elsie. Things will work out beautifully. :-)

Not to intrude and you don't have to answer if you don't want. Do you ever take anything for your anxiety? I used to take St. John's Wort and it worked beautifully for me (can't take it now because it interacts with BC). Instead I am now taking 5-HTP. Both are over-the-counter herbal supplements available at Walmart or and herbal remedy store. They have really helped me. Sam-e is also a good one to try, but it is a little pricier.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2011, 08:49:24 AM »
ADIL, you're not intruding.  I don't currently take anything for it, because my diabetes and other meds are in flux and I'm trying to get a handle on that before I introduce something new (and have to figure out whether my side effects are because of that, or the other meds, or something else altogether, lol).  I was meditating and exercising, which helps my baseline anxiety tremendously, but the meditation isn't as  on-target as it used to be and I can definitely feel it.  Plus, I haven't disconnected the ex-button yet, so he still manages to push it (much less than before, but still more than I am happy with).  Thanks for your suggestions - I'm leaning more towards the herbal route than going on yet another prescription medication. :)  I'm going to see if I can't get my meditation more consistent again until the med situation improves.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline Pen

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2011, 09:02:08 AM »
Elsie, congratulations and best wishes.

As I recall, this was an emotional time for DS & our family. It can be hard to avoid picking up on/reacting to DS's worries about his future, his feelings of disappointment over what he "coulda-shoulda-woulda" done differently, fears that DH & I were disappointed as well, etc. etc. I understand your concern, especially since XDH will be added to the mix.

Take care of yourself - you know the drill. Great new outfit, mani/pedi, empowering accessory, refuse to engage if XDH starts in, meditation/affirmations before, during and after...etc. Enjoy the day, be proud of DS (& privately, be proud of yourself for a job well done.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2011, 09:36:12 AM »
Elsieshaye, I'll be sending you positive vibes.

The Ex disconnect button is difficult but you're strong, classy lady.  I know you will pull through with grace.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Sassy

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2011, 10:19:24 AM »
Elsiehaye, your anxiety is more on behalf of DS than yourself.  Your empathy is touching.   I suspect your good mothering has given DS the strength to handle detaching from his father's anger more than you may realize.  I agree its a great idea to keep son in safe familiar territory than isolated with a potentially vindictive person.

XH is not staying in your home for the 2 days I hope?  It may be possible you don't see XH other than in group situations. If you think there will be conflict you can prevent it by not engaging.   You're right that DS will be distracted by a lot of other people and activities during that time. Expecially his peers.  Although the lack of focused attention on DS may anger XH, paradoxically the same thing that's a trigger for XH is also strong support for DS. 

You and your DS will both be fine.  XH is almost a ghost.  When you look back on your memories of the graduation, XH won't even be a part of it.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2011, 11:01:51 AM »
Congrats to your DS Elsiehaye!  He will graduate and you will cry, and be proud.  Don't fret over the X.  He is going to be who he is and just relax and know that if he does anything, it will be on him and not you.  I think what you are going through is normal to worry about him causing issues, but you are strong, DS is strong and it will be a great time!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2011, 11:06:38 AM »
Elsie ::

Ditto Pooh ...worry IF it happens , not before , hope the sun shines  on your day .. :)

Donna

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2011, 11:58:46 AM »
Anxiety - learn how to Box Breathe - it also works so well to put you to sleep at night, reduces your blood pressure and your heart rate - also when confronted, if you immediately think of breathing, and start the process, it gives you time to think of an answer instead of a knee jerk answer.

Hoping this little bit helps, and sad to hear you are going through this in your life.

holliberri

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2011, 12:11:36 PM »
Elsie, I think if you do as you do here, you'll be just fine. A few months from now is right around the corner.  :)

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #11 on: May 24, 2011, 12:23:09 PM »
Thanks, Everyone - I really appreciate the support, and will act on your suggestions.  (Definitely am going to work on Box Breathing today - thanks, Donna.)  And, no, XH is definitely not staying with me.  I'm paying for 2 nights in a hotel for him, which is the lesser of several evils by far.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2011, 01:17:41 PM »
Well now you know I have to ask  ;)  You don't have to answer if you don't want to elsieshaye, but why in the world are you paying for his hotel?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2011, 01:31:15 PM »
Very, very long story short:  XH is on disability, and can't really afford to come here to visit DS.  Paying for the hotel allows me to demonstrate to the court that I am not in fact standing in the way of DS and XH having a relationship.  (One of XH's charming little quirks is that he takes me to court rather frequently when he feels he's not getting his way.  I prefer having my ducks in a row, because it's quite possible that XH will get annoyed that DS isn't being sufficiently attentive to him, and take me to court.  Again.  I have every dime that I have spent towards the visitations meticulously documented, just in case.)
This too shall pass.  All is well.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Calming thoughts needed
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2011, 01:34:54 PM »
That sounds wise on your part, Elsie. DS turns 18 in 4 months right? At least then XH can't take you to court over anything.