Author Topic: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship  (Read 3905 times)

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AnonymousDIL

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From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« on: May 19, 2011, 10:48:47 AM »
When you were kids, did you “duke it out” with DB/DS until DM/DF made you kiss and make-up, or did you have some negotiating/compromising skills then. I was definitely the former until DF made us find a compromise. While I no longer “duke it out” with DB (sometimes I’d like to lol), apparently he and I don’t have those negotiating skills without the third party involved.

I do my best (don’t always succeed) to see the situation from the other person’s POV. My DB doesn’t. I look for and see evidence that the other party is trying to make things better/compromise. (which my MIL is doing btw. I’m somewhat shocked by the change, but I think we will soon be *gasp* “friends”). My brother, well, unless it is 100% HIS way, he completely ignores all evidence of trying/compromise. He is certain that he is always 100% right in ever thing that he says or does.

So, how do you deal with a person who can’t accept a half-way meeting point or ever give on their POV?

My SIL (DH’s sis) has the same type of relationship with me unfortunately. Is there any hope for these relationships to have mutual respect?

Anyone think this is part of a “power” thing discussed in the “Lost for Words” thread? How do you develop a “balanced” ADULT relationship with the extended family members in your life?

Do we just need to sit back and wait for them to see the light or is there anything we can/should do?

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2011, 12:35:49 PM »
Well, sometimes you can't - a balanced relationship implies participation by both people.  If both people are not on the same page, and even one of the two is unwilling to actively seek common ground, there's no real basis for a balanced relationship.  Sometimes, no matter how dearly you'd wish it, there's no action to be taken.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline pam1

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2011, 12:48:06 PM »
Adil, this is solely my opinion but I think you may be too close to the situation with your DB to evaluate him objectively.

In my FOO we just didn't fight too much or have a lot of sibling rivalry.  We talked a lot, we verbally sparred a lot but I don't know that any of us consider that arguing.  We were taught to be direct and to the point, talk things out.  My parents encouraged us to work things out on our own and we all seem to be relatively well adjusted, well I think lol.

I agree with Eslieshaye, sometimes there's nothing you can do.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2011, 12:58:07 PM »
Adil I'm not commenting because I can't...Lol.  My brother is 10 years older than me, so totally different dynamic.   We were not allowed to duke it out because of our age difference.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2011, 01:04:51 PM »
Adil I'm not commenting because I can't...Lol.  My brother is 10 years older than me, so totally different dynamic.   We were not allowed to duke it out because of our age difference.

DB wasn't supposed to hit me back! LOL

AnonymousDIL

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2011, 01:10:38 PM »
Adil, this is solely my opinion but I think you may be too close to the situation with your DB to evaluate him objectively.

Sadly, you are probably right. I soooo wish I had an unbiased third party who could look at me and say, "Well, DB has been doing X X and X to try to make things better and you are just overlooking them."

DB and I talked a TON growing up, but it was always about economical issues, or Biblical stuff, or schoolwork, nothing that was a "relational topic" or anything close to "feelings." Everyone in my family has always bottled up their emotions and never discussed them It's annoying. It might seem Fruedian of me but I really do want to know "How does that make you feel?" lol Followed by the "What can be done to fix this?" and "What can you do to compromise and help move this forward?" 

Offline Pooh

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2011, 01:11:23 PM »
I can tell you that my boys were 17 months apart and for the first couple of years, I wouldn't let the older one hit the younger one back.  I would tell him he was bigger and I would take care of getting on to the younger one.  Finally, when the older one was about 4 and the younger 3, when he hit him...I looked at the older one and said, "Get him!"  I don't know which one of their faces were funnier.  Needless to say, the younger one stopped.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2011, 01:33:40 PM »
HaHa! I didn't think it was "Needless to say." My brother eventually hit me back, but I did NOT stop. WE did NOT stop until one of us couldn't move anymore (usually me lol).

Offline pam1

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2011, 01:34:10 PM »
Funny Pooh!  I know a couple of my younger brothers that are physical fighters, they are both proud when they gave each other a bloody nose for the first time.  Both examining who had more blood lol.  But that was fairly uncommon and I can't recall any physical fights among the older siblings.

Adil, I do remember you saying at one point that your DB mentioned something about the first year of marriage being hard and something about you interfering when he first wed.  Maybe you can try to examine your actions now that you guys are on a break?  In the other thread you had going about it, I remember thinking this way too too too much drama for anyone to deal with and wasn't surprised when your DH blew a gasket.  TBH, that much drama doesn't come from just one party.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

AnonymousDIL

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2011, 01:56:48 PM »
You are right. Both sides are to blame here. I KNOW we must have done something to make them upset with us before the blow-up. I don't however know WHAT the something was to apologize for it and change going forward.  :-\

I still have no idea what DB is referring to about interference during their first year of marraige. I barely saw them that year because of the guy I was dating. (DB and EX loathed each other and refused to be in the same room lol). I did break up with that bonehead (about 8 mo. marraige for them) and had a lot of issues with him (he made me cry a Lot). Hmmmm... Maybe I cried to him more than I realized. They never said anything. Shoot! I bet that's it.  :-\ Dang! how do I apologize for that now? Kinda silly to me to resent someone over it.

Well, just had that "breakthrough." Maybe I can have one about why they hate DH and I so much lol

1Glitterati

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2011, 04:23:10 PM »
So, how do you deal with a person who can’t accept a half-way meeting point or ever give on their POV?


My way is pretty simple.  I don't.

holliberri

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #11 on: May 19, 2011, 08:35:55 PM »
So, how do you deal with a person who can’t accept a half-way meeting point or ever give on their POV?


I am less open with this people that I normally would be. I pull back, and never debate and I basically treat their opinion as if I was hearing a factoid for the first time. I don't feel compelled to argue that way, and it keep the peace somehow.

There are some things that don't need a half-way meeting point too. If someone is talking about something in their lives and I know how obstinate they are, I sort of assume they don't want my point of view. I don't need to waste time telling someone else what they should be doing when they aren't going to change their minds anyhow.

Offline Scoop

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2011, 04:57:32 AM »
My SisIL (DB's wife) is one of those people who is always right.  Even if she changes her mind from what she was doing and does the COMPLETE opposite, she's STILL right.  Once she even argued with me over how much her son weighed when he was born (and *I* was right!).

But we want a relationship with my brother and my niece and nephew so we put up with her.  We let her talk and we don't pick a fight with her over the outrageous things she says.  We know that if we cause a fight with her, then she can make it impossible for us to see my brother and the DN's, without batting an eyelash.   So we just go on the "yeah yeah whatever" path.  We let her talk and we don't comment about it.  "Is that so?"

I know your DB tries to counsel you on financial matters, so, let him talk, "uh huh ... uh huh, oh well, we'll think about it".

Just remember that he can say whatever he wants, but you don't have to follow it!

SassyDI

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2011, 05:01:26 AM »
Have you asked your brother why he is upset?  If he won't tell you falt out there is nothing you can do to change.  You can think of everything you think might have gone wrong but that might not be it at all.  It could be something you are unware you did.  Or maybe the simple answers is you did nothing at all and your brother is just well being a jerk. 

I had a friend who got married the same time I did we got married 3 weeks apart, and we were both in each others wedding parties.  I was so excited getting married at the same time, I thought we would have fun planning our wedding together.  But it didn't turn out that way.  A long list of crazy things happen:
1. She was excluding me from bridesmaids mettings.
2. Her first maid of honor was rude in planning the whole wedding shower by herself then demanded money for it.  She didn't want help planning but we were to line her pocketbooks.  I refused to pay telling her if she wanted my help she should have asked that I was not a bank.
3. She kicked the maid of honor out because she was starting fights and she was telling the bride she would wear her dress strapless if she liked it or not.
4. Two weeks before her wedding the harrassing phone calls began.  Telling me that if I did not pay the former maid of honor back she would show up with her sister in toe at my former friends wedding and ruin her night.  I called my friend and told her that I would do whatever she wanted no questions asked.  She said pay the money so she could be assured she would not show up.  I did and the wedding ran pretty smooth.  I was late at her house because of a hair issue. 

The day of my wedding came and I heard her make some comment to my other BFF.  She was my matron of honor my sister was my maid of honor.  They both made speeches.  She made me smile and it was very nice speech.  My wedding day was the last time I saw her.  We talked because harrassing phone calls continued even on my wedding day from her former friend.  They even were harassing her and making some pretty mean comments about her family.  We talked right up though my honeymoon.  Then she stopped answering her phone.  Thinking she was just busy I called and one day her DH picked up.  She sounded annoyed to be on the phone.  I asked her if everything was ok.  She said yes she was just tired.  And everything seemed to be fine it was a nice conversation and we talked about a double date.  Well it never happen I never heard from her again after that.
When I learned she was pregnant on classmates.com I congradulated her on her new baby.  She wanted to be friends again but I needed to know why and she said she didn’t want to get into it.  That it was in the past.  I told her how could I fix something if I didn’t know what it was.  It took me a long time to think but I sometimes wonder if it really was me who need to be fixed or maybe it was her.   Did I maybe do something sure I can see a few things that I probably could have handled differently.  But you know what I am human and I can’t change what I did.  And if she won’t tell me if those are the things that bothered her then I cant tell her I am sorry. 
Sorry this was long giving background.  I can’t change what I don’t know and I can’t change a person.  All I can do is be what I can be and that’s it.  If they don’t want to talk about it or explain then its not my problem its theirs and they need to fix it not me.  The thing is if he does answer make sure you are a. ready to hear it and b. That you listen to what he is saying.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: From Child Relationship to Adult Relationship
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2011, 05:18:33 AM »
So, how do you deal with a person who can’t accept a half-way meeting point or ever give on their POV?


I am less open with this people that I normally would be. I pull back, and never debate and I basically treat their opinion as if I was hearing a factoid for the first time. I don't feel compelled to argue that way, and it keep the peace somehow.

There are some things that don't need a half-way meeting point too. If someone is talking about something in their lives and I know how obstinate they are, I sort of assume they don't want my point of view. I don't need to waste time telling someone else what they should be doing when they aren't going to change their minds anyhow.

I wasn't refering to politics, religion, the economy, and those sorts of things about different POV. I meant how do you deal with the whole "they hate me and I don't know why?"

In my apology, I commmmented that we have felt the tension between them and us for a long time and it was wrong of us to not adress it sooner and just let it reach the point of blowing up.... To which my brother responded "Yes, it has been causing tension between Wife and I." Uh, What? I wasn't talking between the two of them! I was talking between DB/SIL and DH/ME. He also thinks that he and wifey have never ever done anything wrong. I know that I'm not perfect and know that I must have done Something to make them act this way. Soooo, by POV I meant natural accurences in life like that.