Author Topic: What do your parents think?  (Read 5091 times)

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Offline pam1

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #15 on: May 18, 2011, 07:49:57 AM »
lol Pen...my parents have slipped in the "new money" sentiment too.  My parents started out trying to be pleasant, they sent cards and a gift to his parents before our wedding with absolutely no response whatsoever.  They are just radically different people, my parents drive normal cars, don't flash money etc so they have a harder time being around flashers.  I knew that going in but for whatever reason my in laws haven't taken the social cue to back off from them.

There is also an element of competition, I don't know where the in laws get their ideas about things but my parents are fortunate to do what they want.  The in laws keep making comments about how with so many kids it's obvious they can't afford something or have to cut back on financial help to us.  When it's not true, they just don't use their money to control us.  And have made it clear since we came out of the womb that their money is not our money lol.

It just occurred to me that maybe I should let nature just take it's course.  I'm tired of trying to clean up for everyone and prevent explosions or upsets.  None of this is really my problem.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #16 on: May 18, 2011, 08:00:53 AM »
No it's not your problem. I have whined about not having a big, extended family sometimes; what was I thinking???
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

overwhelmed123

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #17 on: May 18, 2011, 08:23:06 AM »
OW, thank you!  That is exactly what is going on here.  My parents have kept quiet for the most part but they have spoken up a lot recently since the events with my m/c. 

My plan has always been just to keep them separated so that it's comfortable for everyone although my in laws think my parents should start doing their traditions...I'm not sure how that works out in their mind but whatever.  Since they don't let anything drop, don't issue an invite and let it go...they keep on and on about it.  Then someone must be "mean" for not accepting the invite etc.

Now though the stakes are raising higher and while I don't think my parents would normally ever say anything, my Dad is a wild card and if he hits his limit of acceptable behavior he is not shy to tell anyone. 

I'm just wondering how has it gone after that has happened.

Funny...my parents haven't hit that limit yet, but they have been accused of being snobby and "thinking they are better" than my ILs because they haven't assumed IL's holiday traditions, and instead have *gasp* kept doing their own as well.

It really isn't your problem, but I understand why it is a worry of yours.  It would cause stress and tension on your marriage and your relationships with both sides of the family...but maybe that's what is needed for your ILs to back off your parents? 

holliberri

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #18 on: May 18, 2011, 09:22:14 AM »
My parents have had issues with my ILs. My dad has been embarrassed by FIL's demands to put his order first when we sit down at a restaurant last (because he is hungry). My dad has also been embarrassed by the amount of cash tip he has seen him leave (dad generally pays, FIL says he has the tip...Dad excuses himself to the bathroom and then pads the tip more). My mom has had issues with MIL saying that my mom spends a lot of time with DD. She also modified her behavior...she doesn't invite me over anymore, really. I have to come fetch her...which is weird having to invite yourself over to someone's house.

My mom took issue with the fact that when my brother was deploying and she planned a trip to the Outer Banks, MIL booked the house right  next door. So what did mom do? Cancelled the trip. She said they did not belong there when they've never met my brother. I have to agree.

So...a lot of behavior modification on my parents' part...but they haven't confronted the behavior directly either.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #19 on: May 18, 2011, 09:37:30 AM »
My parents were the crazy and inappropriate ones, and never met the ILs (my parents didn't come to the wedding and didn't speak to me for 3 years, because they disapproved of XH; the ILs lived 1000 miles away and were polite but distant - they had a rocky relationship with XH, but they were as kind to us as possible given the circumstances), so it never came up.  My father disliked the concept of the ILs intensely, because he hated my then-husband (mainly for existing, but that's a rant for a different day).  I made sure there were never any occasions to get the two families together, because my father tended to be extremely aggressive and openly hostile, even if he had agreed to show up, and I honestly couldn't handle how ugly it would have been.  The ILs offered a couple of times to call my parents and talk to them to broker a reconciliation, but that would have been an absolute nightmare, so we always thanked them and changed the subject.   
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline Scoop

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #20 on: May 18, 2011, 10:02:04 AM »
My Mom doesn't understand the IL's anymore that *I* do.  But she does try and temper some of my harsher feelings toward them.  But that's because my Mom really is a saint!  She is seriously the nicest person I know.

I call the IL's by their first names and always have.  I think it troubled them at first.  I think DH and SIL's friends always called them Mr & Mrs and they didn't like the idea of "one of the kids" treating them like equals.

DH always called my parents by their first names, at their invitation.

Offline pam1

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2011, 10:09:04 AM »
OW, sometimes I really think we married brothers.  My inlaws can't wrap their mind around why my parents wouldn't want to give up their traditions for theirs lol.  This is the first holiday coming up that my parents get us all to themselves and they are beyond excited.  While my in laws are ramping up.  I can trust my Dad but only for so far and he just goes off.  But, I think you're right, this is not my problem.  This event is over a month away and I need to stop stressing about it.

Holly, that is just weird that your MIL did that.  Totally inappropriate.

Elsieshaye, how difficult that must have been for you!  You sound very classy about it all though.

Scoop, my parents aren't so nice.  They wouldn't talk me down, the say stuff like "you're a better dil than I ever could be."  They are wonderful parents but do not suffer fools.  Yikes, I just don't want to be embarrassed.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

foofoo

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #22 on: May 20, 2011, 05:58:14 PM »
I have an unusually hostile relationship with my in laws and because much of my in laws accusations against me (i.e. that I was a tramp, a thief,  etc.) were also against my parents (they were thieves as well), they too have no contact with my inlaws.  My situation is probably not a fair comparison though cause inlaws as awful as mine are pretty uncommon.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2011, 10:21:25 PM by Holly »

Offline Pen

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #23 on: May 21, 2011, 06:31:23 AM »
FF, we can only hope. Sorry you & your parents have been treated heinously by your ILs. That is simply uncalled for. Sounds like my first set of ILs.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

SassyDI

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Re: What do your parents think?
« Reply #24 on: May 21, 2011, 06:47:08 AM »
OW, sometimes I really think we married brothers.  My inlaws can't wrap their mind around why my parents wouldn't want to give up their traditions for theirs lol.  This is the first holiday coming up that my parents get us all to themselves and they are beyond excited.  While my in laws are ramping up.  I can trust my Dad but only for so far and he just goes off.  But, I think you're right, this is not my problem.  This event is over a month away and I need to stop stressing about it.

Holly, that is just weird that your MIL did that.  Totally inappropriate.

Elsieshaye, how difficult that must have been for you!  You sound very classy about it all though.

Scoop, my parents aren't so nice.  They wouldn't talk me down, the say stuff like "you're a better dil than I ever could be."  They are wonderful parents but do not suffer fools.  Yikes, I just don't want to be embarrassed.

My FIL is like this too.  If it goes against something he believes he tell dh "Thats not how I raised you."(DH and I were raised very differently and he looks down a lot I think on the way I was raised) or my fav "Thats not how our family__________"  DH reminds him all the time that we are going to take a little of DH's Traditions a little of my Traditions and make our own traditions.  All he can see past though is what he wants.