Author Topic: What started it?  (Read 6485 times)

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SassyDI

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What started it?
« on: May 16, 2011, 06:15:22 PM »
Ok ladies what do you think started your problems with your IL(MIL, DIL, SIL, FIL, SonIL ect)? 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2011, 06:24:19 PM »
When I hit a wall with one of my DILs, "it" (whatever that was) was already in place. I know it wouldn't have made any difference what I said or did. I was already the "enemy" and needed to be disposed of. It really didn't have anything to do with me at all. We were polite when we met but she made sure that was seldom. When my son moved on…I was so grateful. Mostly for him, not me. I had a life…he didn't.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2011, 06:35:17 PM »
SassyDI, DH & I were blindsided, truly. We helped DIL through some legal issues, paid for our share (?) of the lavish wedding she planned, welcomed her into our family, etc. We thought all was well. Suddenly DIL announced to DS that she hated us, that it wasn't anything we did or said, it was who we were. We were shunned by DIL & her FOO until DS stood up for us.

So to answer your question, I don't know.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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SassyDI

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2011, 06:50:51 PM »
DH did counseling for a while to work out his problems with his father.  It didn't work.  When FIL came he was asked what started this for him.  His answer on what made him not like me was Laundry.  When we were dating I moved into DH house(Dumb dumb dumb dumb move on our part) that he owned with his father and helped DH out a lot with the stuff FIL was to do.(Long story but DH has always had a family member as a caregiver)  No problem it was my way of helping.  I worked in a resturant 3 days in a row two doubles and a single shift.  I had one workout fit why now I have no clue mostly not wanting to buy more then one work outfitt.  I would try to get more clothes but there wasn't always enough and so I would wash my pants and shirt (Seperate as it was jeans and a while dress shirt).  FIL complained about this and DH told me not to listen to him and do what I was doing. (He owned half the house).  He said by not listening I was disrespectful.  Mainly I think it had more to do with money and the house that he and DH owned.  He couldn't afford it on his own and DH and I could at the time.  We no longer live in the house now.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2011, 07:03:25 PM »
More background: I have had six DILs. Two hated me before they met me and four thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now, I only have Sandy because my eldest son died at age 52 of a sleep-apnea induced stroke. Sandy would take a bullet for me in a New York second…and I would do the same for her.  She, like the other three that were wonderful to me, loved me before she met me. None of them ever changed their minds. The two that hated me never let go of it either.

Kirk's ex-wife before Sandy, Sonja, is my closest friend and always will be. She is also very close to Kirk and Sandy, as is her husband, Bill. My deceased son's "ex" and I are also close and when we have a family picnic, they all show up with my ex husband and his wife.

I'm serious.  ;D ;D ;D

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline pam1

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2011, 07:31:02 PM »
That is sweet, Luise!  I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife.  His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol.  It was pretty nice and I admire her.

SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags.  The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol

There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff" 

But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me.  Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about.  That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2011, 08:01:21 PM »

But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me.  Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about.  That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"

Are you sure this was how she intended to sound, because that seems rather heartless.  We all know that it's easy to hear a different message then what was actually being implied. Sometimes things get jumbled when with the addition of emotions especially strong emotions that you would have felt with the passing of your mother.

As a transplanted Houstonian, I need to correct you the quote is actually "Houston, we've had a problem here"

SassyDI

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2011, 08:17:24 PM »
That is sweet, Luise!  I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife.  His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol.  It was pretty nice and I admire her.

SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags.  The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol

There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff" 

But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me.  Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about.  That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"

OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems.  And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault.  She denys she ever said it. 

Offline pam1

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2011, 08:20:46 PM »
lol thanks for the correction!  I'm telling you these prescriptions are doing a number on me. 

Yes, she really did mean it that way.  She said it multiple times to multiple people in multiple conversations -- all where people tried shushing her or changing the subject.  She was apparently very angry at me that I wasn't up to spending the night at her house in anticipation for their annual Memorial Day cookout and I wanted to go to my mothers grave instead.

Remember this is also the lady who claimed I made up a miscarriage b/c I didn't want to spend Xmas with her.  After already spending 2 days of Xmas with her.  Xmas Eve and Xmas Day, her third day I couldn't do b/c I was miscarrying.  Instead of offering condolences she was threatening to pick up DH and DD from my doctors office to go celebrate with "family, where they should be."

And after getting back together with her and trying to work things out, talking to her and inviting her to go to the gym with me -- she has the nerve to say she doesn't remember any of that at Xmas at all this past year lol.  She doesn't remember a miscarriage, she doesn't remember seeing us on Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

You'd think she was starting some kind of mental slide but nope, she's all there lol but that's how she gets around confronting her own bad behavior.  I'm mostly over it but it doesn't mean I don't realize how she is. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline pam1

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2011, 08:22:17 PM »
That is sweet, Luise!  I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife.  His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol.  It was pretty nice and I admire her.

SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags.  The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol

There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff" 

But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me.  Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about.  That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"

OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems.  And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault.  She denys she ever said it.

Wow, that was heartless of her.  I was just posting almost the same thing, the denial of ever saying it ;)  lol I'm pretty sure she knows she is lying and she knows that everyone else knows she is lying...but it makes it all better just to say it happened differently. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2011, 08:27:12 PM »
That is sweet, Luise!  I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife.  His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol.  It was pretty nice and I admire her.

SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags.  The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol

There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff" 

But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me.  Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about.  That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"

OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems.  And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault.  She denys she ever said it.

Wow, that was heartless of her.  I was just posting almost the same thing, the denial of ever saying it ;)  lol I'm pretty sure she knows she is lying and she knows that everyone else knows she is lying...but it makes it all better just to say it happened differently.

Denial is her middle name.  When DD was first born she came to visit then when thing back fired in her face.  Well her daughter got onto my personal webpage for DD and wrote a message something like "Sorry I wasn't there to welcome you HUGE baby into this world.  Hope you lose all your pregnancy weight."  there was more but I don't remember.  DH called up his dad's wife and she said and I quote(I was listening) "I told her not to be to mean."   But after she denied knowing about it claimed her daughter got onher computer without her knowing. I call BS.  The site was password protected. 

1Glitterati

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2011, 08:28:33 PM »
Ours was when they supported the person who defrauded and nearly bankrupted us.  As in...they chose the other person over us...even though they knew the other person pretty much ruined us.  They even supported the other person legally against us.

Dh has rebuilt his relationship with his dad.  His relationship with his mother will never be the same.  He will never trust her again.

I will never trust either of them again.  At best I now feel indifference toward them.  At worst...I have hated them and wished they would die.  I think indifference is progress, and more than they deserve.  Admittedly...I did it for me...not for them.

They now treat me with kid gloves, and I think are scared of me.

LaurieS

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2011, 08:31:18 PM »
Or they think you're psychotic :)  Either way, they have taken the giant step back that you demanded.. some people would not be so willing.

1Glitterati

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2011, 08:35:53 PM »
Or they think you're psychotic :)  Either way, they have taken the giant step back that you demanded.. some people would not be so willing.

No...they haven't taken a step back.  They have done as they have always done, which is whatever they want.

I didn't let them see the kids for almost two years.  Yeah, I'll own that.   I'm not ashamed of it.  I should trust my children with people who would do such a thing to us?

They do see the children  now...but they do not see the children as much as my parents do.  That's because I take my children to see my parents.  Dh is responsible for taking the kids to his parents.  If they see the kids less than my parents...that's not on me.  They should be happy for what they get from their son and leave me out of the equation all together.

They basically are with us twice a year as a family---Christmas afternoon and a dinner for dh's birthday.  That's all I'm willing to do, and those are the only times I will welcome them into my home.

LaurieS

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Re: What started it?
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2011, 08:57:15 PM »
What do your kids think of all this? I really do want to know, do you see the grandkids being negatively affected by this hateful relationship?  I'm not trying to to snide.. I think it's a question that a lot of people would be interested in hearing the answer to since there are many volatile relationships here on wwu.