Author Topic: My mother  (Read 3422 times)

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SassyDI

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My mother
« on: May 11, 2011, 06:47:15 PM »
My mother called me Monday night when I was struggling with DD I wish she never called.  It was bedtime and DD for the past week has been hard to get to sleep.  I was frustrated and I was telling her about it.(She has a bad habit of calling during bedtime).  Long story short we got into a fight and she kept talking down to me so I hung up and refused to answer.

All night long she would call going from nice to mean.  Then crying and threatening to call me at 4:30 in the morning when she got up for work.  The next day I counted over 21 calls to me cell alone.  And again calls nice to mean depending on the call. 

Today she did the same thing and then came over and dropped off her present from MD on my doorstep.  Thankfully DD was in the other room oh how upset she would have been.  She is calling when she knows DD is going to bed just to mess with me.  I had DD claim down forgot to turn off the phone and it rang and she gets so excited when the phone rings.  I am so over it right now.  I cannot even began to describe how much more stress this is causing me.  I have to turn off my phone and its beyond annoying. 

DH is right its because she isn't in control right now and she can't stand it.   I sadly am going to a family party out of state and they are too.  So not looking forward to it and kind of feel like just not going.  But thats kind of letting her win.  I just want her to just let me cool down.  Calling over and over only makes me more angry.  She is not a supportive at all.  I was telling her how stressed I was and she says well you choose to marry a man in a wheelchair.  Dh and i have been working on figuring out how to get her to listen to him and we are getting a professional in soon but until then it falls all on me pretty much.  It was very hurtful that she wasn't being nice to me when I was vanuable.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My mother
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2011, 06:55:31 PM »
Take a deep breath…blow it out and take nine more. Repeat after each one…"We matter..we matter…we matter…we matter…because you do. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

holliberri

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Re: My mother
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2011, 06:59:45 PM »
Have you thought about changing your number?

Seriously, 20 phone calls a day seems like harassment to me...and if my mother kept calling nonstop like that, she'd be right up there with blind date #3 (disaster, btw). He didn't stop until I changed my number.

When you talk to a professional, will your mother be there too? It sounds like she needs some help with her communication. Would she agree to go?

I think that behavior would be hurtful no matter how vulnerable you were b/c it seems like control to me.

My mom dropped off stuff one year when I didn't come out to see her for a week when I was home for 3 weeks. My dad found them on my doorstep and he cried. He knew what she had done...she had done stuff like that to him throughout his entire marriage, so it hit home for him.

That was the beginning of our first round of silent treatment. Nothing got resolved then b/c I called her crying at the airport 6 hour later (I was headed to Cali) and apologized for not seeing her as much as she wanted. That fight would carry out for 3 years and have 3 more rounds...each ending with silent treatment. We both checked into therapy in 2010 and I think it helped. We both let go of expectation. You're mom might need to do that. If she doesn't, I recommend you go to therapy b/c it does help to just talk to someone, and her behavior might affect you a lot less.

SassyDI

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Re: My mother
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2011, 07:17:35 PM »
Thanks Holly number change maybe.

It is annoying more then anything but I have to turn off my house phone just so it will stop and it still comes up on  my tv(cable phone) so I see it if the tv is on.  I do feel kind of stocked at the very least she is harassing me

The professional is a behavoirest to help DH learn how to teach DD to listen to him due to his injury.  So if I am in the other room he doesn't need my help to get her to listen.

The gift was to big she was using knowing where it was as an excuse to call me when she knew where I got it because she slipped at one point.  She is using everything she can including my sisters shower to try to get me to call her back. 

I wouldn't be really bothered if she just stopped calling.  Its stressful because DD keeps wanting to get me the phone and I am like thanks hun and she stares at me like answer it. 

Thinking about talking to someone. Her and i probably not she won't listen to anyone telling her she is wrong.

Offline pam1

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Re: My mother
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2011, 05:28:00 AM »
Can you talk to the service provider about blocking certain numbers? 

If she won't listen to anyone, she might listen to the fact that she can be charged with telephone harassment.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: My mother
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2011, 08:24:46 AM »
SassyDI, that is just horrible.  That is harrassment and it's so hard for me to imagine a Mother doing that to not only her adult child, but her GD.  (I believe you, just boggles my mind a Mother would do that)

That was going to be my suggestion too pam.  Have her number blocked from all devices.  I then thought about it and realized that if her Mother is being that harrassing, she will figure out to call from another phone number (sorry, my law enforcement kicking in).  So I figure changing the phone number to private would be best.  SassyDI, can you trust the others in your life not to give her your new number if you do that?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: My mother
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2011, 08:30:36 AM »
Yeah, that's true but she might not figure it out for a while lol.  Or she might be reasonable enough at that point to figure out she's got to stop.

On the other hand, I don't know the service provider and we all know I'm not good with the techno stuff.  But if it's easier to just add another line to the existing service and then just turn the line Mom has to voicemail only.  That trips some people up b/c they think they are getting through and since they don't know about the existance of a new number since the old one is still "on" 

You can also screen messages so you're not totally shutting her out, you're only limiting her access to bother you.  Just a thought
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: My mother
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2011, 08:38:36 AM »
Oooh.  Good one Pam.  I've never thought of that.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: My mother
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2011, 08:39:36 AM »
Really depends on what the  goal is... are you are out to stop mom totally.. no phone calls visits etc or are you out to have her respect your life and stay a part of it.  I don't know between the fil/wife, the uncle, your mother moving might be easier.

holliberri

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Re: My mother
« Reply #9 on: May 12, 2011, 09:59:23 AM »
Laurie might be right, SassyDI. Do you rely on your mother for babysitting? A phone number change won't work. It would work in my case, but only because I don't really depend on my mom to come through for me. (And I certainly hope I never, ever have to block her calls, just say that it might be easier for some than others).

SassyDI

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Re: My mother
« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2011, 10:09:26 AM »
Really depends on what the  goal is... are you are out to stop mom totally.. no phone calls visits etc or are you out to have her respect your life and stay a part of it.  I don't know between the fil/wife, the uncle, your mother moving might be easier.

Moving would be great but its out.  After 6 years DH got a job working for the feds about 6 months ago.  And there is no way we are leaving this area.  I am not out for blocking her out forever.  I just need a breather from her so far two phone calls today all sweet.  I have to deal with her tomorrow and all weekend for a family party.  And thats fine I don't care I just want her to learn that she can't play head games.

For example I was just frustated that I feel like I have to do everything in my house for DD and Dh and myself.  I was exhusted that night and all I was looking for is "Its going to be ok SassyDI it will pass."  Or something supportive.  She says I want her to raise my kid which is so far from the truth.  Then told me I choose to marry my DH and I should have thought about this before I married him.  So then now that I am not speaking to her she plays head games.  Oh I'll watch DD for her.  Really you never just offer.  Her other thing is my sister's shower.  She is paying for the food with help from my Grandma and my I and some of the other bridesmaids are paying for the rest.  She is now calling to know what she needs to buy for the shower.  Does she need to buy more prizes.  And its BS because she knows that answer to that is no and its just a control thing.  She has never even offered to help me prep for the shower stuff nothing yet now that I am talking to her its really important. 

She can be a big support but sometimes on things I don't even need the support with.  And thats the thing she doesn't seem to get or want to listen too.  That helping someone means asking them what they need help with.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: My mother
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2011, 10:31:20 AM »
[helping someone means asking them what they need help with.

Does she need to buy more prizes. 

I personally would have taken this statement from your mom as an offer to help. (IE Asking what you need help with).

Why do you feel that it was about control? She may have viewed. "Wow, all I'm doing is the food. I wonder if Sass needs help with anything else. I'll see if she wants any help with the favors."

I'm sorry that she hasn't been supportive of your DH in the way you want her to be. Sometimes when people feel that there is no solution to your "problem" (being so tired, stressed with taking care of the house/DD/DH) they fall back to the easiest answer ("Well, you chose to marry him!"). It isn't nice, but sometimes the people who are trying to help just can't come up with a solution.

Does your mom know that you aren't looking for her to find a solution for you?

When DH and I first got married, he didn't understand that sometimes I just needed to get stuff off my chest and didn't want him to "fix" it. He is learning to keep his mouth shut ;-) lol

Maybe if you mention to your mom that it is hurtful when she says such things and that you aren't looking for her to find a solution just listen, she can learn to keep her mouth shut too lol

Offline Rose799

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Re: My mother
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2011, 10:34:35 AM »
SassyDI,

How would you feel about calling dm & explaining what you just told us?  Tell her you were overwhelmed that day & explain what it was you needed her to do or say.  While it was wrong of her to torment you with repeated calls, do you think it likely that one of them could have been intended as an apology?  I’m one who wants to mend differences asap, as open wounds tend to only fester with time.  Maybe she’s trying to get a foot in the door by asking how she can help at the party.  I may be wrong, but it seems a good heart-to-heart talk might resolve this before the party even begins, & the two of you will enjoy it all the more.  Just a thought…

SassyDI

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Re: My mother
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2011, 10:40:52 AM »
[helping someone means asking them what they need help with.

Does she need to buy more prizes. 

I personally would have taken this statement from your mom as an offer to help. (IE Asking what you need help with).

Why do you feel that it was about control? She may have viewed. "Wow, all I'm doing is the food. I wonder if Sass needs help with anything else. I'll see if she wants any help with the favors."

I'm sorry that she hasn't been supportive of your DH in the way you want her to be. Sometimes when people feel that there is no solution to your "problem" (being so tired, stressed with taking care of the house/DD/DH) they fall back to the easiest answer ("Well, you chose to marry him!"). It isn't nice, but sometimes the people who are trying to help just can't come up with a solution.

Does your mom know that you aren't looking for her to find a solution for you?

When DH and I first got married, he didn't understand that sometimes I just needed to get stuff off my chest and didn't want him to "fix" it. He is learning to keep his mouth shut ;-) lol

Maybe if you mention to your mom that it is hurtful when she says such things and that you aren't looking for her to find a solution just listen, she can learn to keep her mouth shut too lol

See you don't understand how my mother works I do.  When my sis or I are upset she plays mind games.  Including using any and all excuses to get us to call her back.  Right before this fight someone asked my mom how is the shower planinng going and my mom said I don't know as SassyDI.  I am doing the food she is doing the rest(along with some of the other bridesmaids).  She knows she doesn't have to buy prizes because I told her months ago that I would do it.  And I know she would not be asking these questions if I was speaking to her right now. 

I have told her that before its why  I don't normally call her to vent but she called and I picked up the phone.  Usually I call my sister or a friend.  I don't talk to her because of how she is.  My FBIL even said to me one day your mom isn't very nice to you is she.  I am not the only one notcing it..

SassyDI

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Re: My mother
« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2011, 10:45:28 AM »
SassyDI,

How would you feel about calling dm & explaining what you just told us?  Tell her you were overwhelmed that day & explain what it was you needed her to do or say.  While it was wrong of her to torment you with repeated calls, do you think it likely that one of them could have been intended as an apology?  I’m one who wants to mend differences asap, as open wounds tend to only fester with time.  Maybe she’s trying to get a foot in the door by asking how she can help at the party.  I may be wrong, but it seems a good heart-to-heart talk might resolve this before the party even begins, & the two of you will enjoy it all the more.  Just a thought…

Been there done that as I said above its why I don't vent to her normally.  She doesn't say she is sorry she likes to just drop things and I am not in the mood or have the time to just drop it because she doesn't want to deal with the truth.  And its not just a foot in the door she doesn't have control and my mom is all about being in control of the situation.  Sadly my mom is the less of the two evils when it comes to DH's and I's parents.  Scary I know.