Mother_in_law

[Pen]

Aren't we all equal in motherhood? Why do we need a hierarchy? Where is our sense of sisterhood? 

I have a fantasy that all us moms, from seasoned veterans to newbies to potential moms, get to spend the day sitting with their feet up while the men take care of cooking, childcare, and cleaning. I envision us all clinking our glasses in toasts to each other for a job well done.

[LaurieS]

I know Pen, that is a nice fantasy but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

[SassyDI]

I know Pen, that is a nice fantasy but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

Exactly my mom actually got mad at my sister who was staying at her house for the weekend becaused she went over to FBIL and FSIL house to spend the day.  She needed to give something to her FSIL who's a bridemaide and she wanted to visit with her niece and nephews.  She took her nephews(niece is not even two months) to the park and called me up as it was by my house and asked if I wanted her to take DD.  So my DH went up there too and hung out with them so DD could play with the boys.  MY mom and dad where actually mad over this.  Let me tell you I wasn't I thought it was a nice little mother's day present for myself and my sister FSIL a few hours of relaxation.  My dad and her both though my sister should have stayed at their house all day even though they were just relaxing.  My sister had a party that they were both invited to and so she spend friday with them.  Saturday I really don't count as it was a memorial service for my uncle.  And she planned to come out to dinner with my family.  I don't understand how that is horriable thing but my parents thought it was.  Expectations are far to high sometimes and uncalled for.  Why wasn't she mad at me?  I didn't pack up DD and head over to her house to hang out all day but my sister should have. 

Honestly I always saw MD to be a day where the mom gets pampered because she works so hard taking care of the kids.  As a mother of grown children she's not doing that anymore.  Not to say she shouldn't be honored just not expect everything to be about her.

Someday when DD is a mother I will step back and let her take over the tradition.  And gladly celebrate that my DD is now a mother and hope that while she still wishes me a happy mother's day if she wants time alone with her new family(meaning her children and DH) then I will respect that and gladly accept my phone call.

[AnonymousDIL]

I know Pen, that is a nice fantasy but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

Well, here's another one lol.... DH's G-ma is basically worshipped on Mother's Day (same thing fro G-pa on FD). EVERYONE gets together. All 4 daughters, their husbands, their 15 kids, their kids wives, and the great-grandkids. If you don't go (as we did not this year and will not in the future) you are bad-mouthed to kingdom come.

When I said "share," I meant that DM/MIL should also be recognized. If your kids give you breakfast in bed, what's wrong with going to see your DM or MIL in the afternoon OR the day before/after?

[pam1]

I think people just have too many differing ideas of holidays -- and that's fine.  What's not fine is when one party attempts consistently to take over that holiday with their wants and wishes.  That's where I think Laurie is on to something, it does seem like a pattern where the Grandma has not stepped down from active Mother role and give permission and/or encourage their children to celebrate their spouses on Mothers/Fathers Day.  I think it is a legitimate subject.

What may be recognition to you or me, others will take as a snub. 

Personally, Mothers Day to me is for the active, in the trenches Mothers.  And I think that's a valid pov.  I still acknowledge my stepmom and some other moms I know, and yes still my MIL just not in the way she demands.  But, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me to spend the day catering to Grandma when Mom is running after a toddler, has kids in school etc.  As a parent, I'd like to think I would have the grace to step down and back and graciously accept whatever is offered.  At least in my FOO I know if I ask what do they want, can i get you something, both of my parents and stepparents have always said "you don't have to get me anything or do anything" and *meant* it.  Over time I realized just how much of a gift this was. 

[Pooh]

I know Pen, that is a nice fantasy but my point is that there are Mother's of adult children who do place themselves at a higher level.  What I've read here pretty consistently is that the adult children are the ones who are heading over to their parents in order to celebrate Mother's Day.  Women and men are packing up their children and spouses in order to travel and pay tribute to their mothers. I just haven't read to many stories here that involved grandparents traveling to spend the day with their daughters, or dil's.  I could be wrong and I did not keep a running tally on the stories but this seemed to be the general feel of most stories.



**please take no offense to my emphasized words, as I was trying out my new style of writing**

First off, welcome rmd.  What an awful situation for you to be in, and for so many years.  I agree that I would not buy her anything else and let DH do it.  I also would never give someone money in exchange for a gift they didn't like.  That is just downright rude and ungracious on her part to even consider asking for that, let alone actually doing it.  I would just tell your DH that from now on, he is in charge of getting his M gifts.

Laurie, you are right when it comes to Mothers that can't step back and acknowledge that their DIL or DD is now a Mother and deserves the spotlight.  I will say that I think the reason you don't see many stories of M, SM, GM or whoever traveling to the new Mom's place, is lack of invite in some cases.  I personally know in my circle of friends (that do get along with the DIL, DD, etc. and have one big get-together) that their DILs, DD's, etc.  do not want to play hostess and have all the work of hosting the get-together.  My friends feel like they are actually honoring the new Mom by hosting the event and putting in all the work so the new Mom can relax and enjoy.  Of course, that's talking about Mother's that don't feel that the day is about them.

Just because I am no longer chasing around kids, does not disqualify me for all the years I did.  I don't expect to be center stage on Mother's day any longer (althought when I was a young Mother, I wasn't center stage then, I shared it with my Mom and MIL), but I would like a visit (another day is fine) or a phone call.  I don't even want a gift, just a phone call saying Happy Mother's Day!  That's it...I'm good.  In my fantasy world, I would love to be able to say to my DIL (if they had children) "Hey, I would love to celebrate Mother's day with you if you're up to it?  Can I invite you out to eat, or I can cook for you, or whatever you like.  I would also like to take you for a manicure and pedicure, massage or buy something you really want that you will not spend the money on youself.  You just let me know what you would like and when would be a good time for you."  My perfect Xanadu again.

[LaurieS]

Gosh Pooh did you accidentally curse and had to modify your own posting

I too appreciated the phone call... I was two days late calling my own Mom... this is going to sound silly.. but by time everyone calls her and some of her grandkids call her as well.. she's spent the entire day on the phone and is usually getting a tad phone cranky by time I call.. so I've learned that we can have a nice conversation if I call either before or after the event.

So let us recap... we have
appreciate
late
phone
I've
nice
event

What's that spell?  A L P I N E ... what's that spell  A L P I N E  (louder...louder please) ALPINE

[Pooh]

No, no cursing...even better.  Went to hit spell check and hit post when I was 3/4's the way through the post...Lol.  Had to modify to go back and add the last few lines.

Since we went to Georgia this weekend to be at my two great nieces birthday party and my Mom was going, I cheated.  I took her present along with me and gave it to her there! Worked for her, worked for me...all is well.  And DH called his Mother on Sunday and let her know that we were not getting back to late, so he asked if she was ok with him bringing her gift on his way to work Monday.  She was thrilled.  It's so nice when everyone is so compromising.

I am going to move over to the Mother's day post and post what happened to me in regards to Mother's day...so you guys can have a good laugh.

[Rose799]

When I have stood up, she ignores what i say anyways and treats me worse, so i just figured it was best to be silent and try to ignore it and get along.  It is not working because it happens all the time now, her rude remarks or comments on how she thinks things should be done in my home etc.   I could use any suggestions on how to handle this matter.  Thank You

Lots of people have trouble using the word "no" word.  I used to be one of them.  A pastor who was going door to door, invited us to his new church.  I spoke with him for a couple of minutes & said dh & I would try to make it one day.  When we didn't show up that Sunday, he was back at my door on Monday, demanding to know why we weren't there.  I didn't have a screen door at the time, so I did whatever I could to get him off my doorstep.  The next Sun. rolled around, & sure enough, on Mon., he & his wife both were at my door.  I asked if they'd noticed my new "no solicitor" sign. I told them I bought it with them in mind, & to get off my step & don't ever come back!  The next week, they left a book on my doormat.  Then about two months later, I heard on the news he'd been arrested for planning to bomb an abortion clinic.  Sometimes we have to be stern with people.  Your Mil sounds like one of them.  If necessary, practice in a mirror.  Once you learn to stand up for yourself, your mil will back off.   

[jill]

Pooh, I agree, all mothers should be celebrated.  It is ideal if all generations can celebrate together, and in the past I have.  I would never have dreamed of not including my mother just because I was a mother too.  I did spend some time with ydd, but she celebrated separately with her family.  Did not hear a word from odd.
Pen, I have friends who lived your fantasy.  My friend's son and husband did all the cooking while she and dil took it easy.

Jill   

[Pen]

That's my point, no hierarchy! All mothers, not just the old matriarchs or just the current childrearers (is that a word?) You never stop being a mom, and your influence lasts a lifetime. Most of us are at least grateful for having been birthed in the first place, even if our moms were of less than Donna Reed status. New moms have the joy of getting honored by their little ones which is so very precious.

Jill, that sounds like a very civilized, convivial day for your friend & her DIL. Good for them!

When I had my first child the experience connected me with every other mom on the planet from the beginning of human life on (sorry, original humans, if I'm being presumptuous.) It was an extraordinary feeling...a lot of clarity about my mother, women of previous generations, women around the world, all the joys & sorrows, etc. I didn't feel any more or less entitled to adulation or a worry-free existence than any other mother. It's incredible to me that rather than feeling bound by our shared experience we find ourselves fighting for a better position in the Motherhood Hit Parade.

[Pooh]

That's my point, no hierarchy! All mothers, not just the old matriarchs or just the current childrearers (is that a word?) You never stop being a mom, and your influence lasts a lifetime. Most of us are at least grateful for having been birthed in the first place, even if our moms were of less than Donna Reed status. New moms have the joy of getting honored by their little ones which is so very precious.

Jill, that sounds like a very civilized, convivial day for your friend & her DIL. Good for them!

When I had my first child the experience connected me with every other mom on the planet from the beginning of human life on (sorry, original humans, if I'm being presumptuous.) It was an extraordinary feeling...a lot of clarity about my mother, women of previous generations, women around the world, all the joys & sorrows, etc. I didn't feel any more or less entitled to adulation or a worry-free existence than any other mother. It's incredible to me that rather than feeling bound by our shared experience we find ourselves fighting for a better position in the Motherhood Hit Parade.

Love this!

[LaurieS]

That's a wonderful vision Pen.. I fully agree but......... unfortunately as much as we would wish for it, typically this is not the case and based on the stories here the majority of the time there is a very defined pecking order.  How can people realistically abide by this wonderful aura of no hierarchy when most are here because of exactly that.

Life would be a little more special if this was not the case... you are right.. you never stop being a mom but when our children grow up and marry our place in the family immediately changes and if successful we accept and embrace the change ...  we already accepted the fact that we were no longer 'mommy' when our kids hit puberty... we even took a step back and gave them some air.  We do this repeatedly throughout their lives at all the different stages.. yet there are "SOME" women who are so latched onto that Mary Magdalene mode they actually demand that there be this pecking order.

Unfortunately this hierarchical system is applied to many of our lives on a daily basis.  The dil who places and values her FOO over that of her husbands, etc.

My point is it sounds like and I'm generalizing here (forgive me) that so many women are willing to overlook the younger mothers in order to justify the importance of the day applying more to themselves then their own daughters and daughter-in-laws.

[Pooh]

We also have many here that have embraced and accepted the change, but still get kicked in the teeth.  We have it both ways here.

[Pen]

I guess it all comes down to the kind of person one was before being a DIL, DM, or MIL...self-involved, overbearing people come in all acronyms, IMHO. So can kind, thoughtful people.