Author Topic: Mother_in_law  (Read 3630 times)

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rmd

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Mother_in_law
« on: May 10, 2011, 02:59:40 PM »
Hi, Would like some advice on how to deal with the in laws.  My mother in law on Mother's Day approached her son in front of me to tell him that she knows today is Mother's Day, but she wanted to give him a gift.  Then stated after the fact that it does say and family too, but that she wants her son to open it.  I was offended because it was Mother's Day and this is just one of many ways my mother-in-law treats me.  She tells me what we can and can not get her for gifts.  She has actually asked to return some gifts i have bought her and then says she can not find anything she likes in that store, so she gives back the gift and requests money, leaving me with the gift receipt and gift.  she tells me what i should and should not do in my own house and my husband and i fight a lot anymore because he doesn't speak up, but in his defense she always says and does things when he is not present, so he tells me to handle it, but i don't, because i am afraid of offending them.  When I have stood up, she ignores what i say anyways and treats me worse, so i just figured it was best to be silent and try to ignore it and get along.  It is not working because it happens all the time now, her rude remarks or comments on how she thinks things should be done in my home etc.   I could use any suggestions on how to handle this matter.  Thank You

Offline pam1

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2011, 03:15:15 PM »
I can't make a choice in that poll :(

Personally, I would not give anymore gifts or spend very much time with them.  I also tend to think that if the parent is not treated well, the child will not be either.  So in good consciense I could not allow my child to spend a whole lot of time with them -- and never unsupervised.  I also am of the "be a role model" type of parent, rather than doing a whole lot of talking and disciplining.  So I tend to think of it as my job to teach DD what is/is not acceptable behavior to accept from others.  Your MIL behavior would definitely be on the unacceptable side, at least concerning gifts.

Welcome btw :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2011, 03:19:32 PM »
This sounds  more like an issue between you and your husband at this point.  If he is so unwilling to see what is going on, there is no her behavior will change... This is without doubt reverse enabling at it's best. 

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2011, 03:23:55 PM »
Hello rmd

Welcome to WWU .
I am a MIL , and as a visitor to your house I would respect your rules .
 If you DH has told you to handle the situation , then you must take charge in your own house and handle it , as he has
given you his permission , he can't complain if your MIL has a hissy fit.
She thinks you are submissive by your silence .If she continues with her rude remarks , then ask her to leave .
Also with the gifts , she wants to find fault with everything you do . Ask your DH to buy her the next gift , and see if
she returns it .You can tell her her DS bought it !
You don't say how long you have been married , but start as you mean to go on .
When she treats you with respect , you can return it .I think it has to be earned , don't you ?

LaurieS

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2011, 03:40:06 PM »
If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2011, 03:45:15 PM »
My F/DIL sent me a photo on M.D.of my GD presenting her with some tulips .
It was a wonderful sight , which melted my heart .

SassyDI

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2011, 03:49:38 PM »
If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

Laurie I don't get that either if your child or DIL is a mother then you need to step back a little after all you have had a lot of Mother's Days and this new mother hasn't.  I get annoyed with my mom who thinks I need to do what she wants on Mother's Day because she is my mom.  Hello I am a mom too and my DH wants to take me somewhere I want to go.

OP I would tell you DH flat out no more gifts for "Mommy Dearest" if he says no then tell him to go buy them himself.  But don't tell her that way when she comes to you with the gift be like "Oh well go talk to your son after all he picked it out for you."  And move on don't give her money no matter what she says. 

holliberri

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2011, 04:06:47 PM »
Seriously, if it was the money she's so worried about, I'd probably start making her gifts that are pretty close to free. Can't put a price on that. (Oh look...I glued buttons to my old sock...a puppet!).

Just kidding.

All joking aside, your DH needs to step up and you should not worry about offending him if you handle stuff out of his earshot. If he won't get involved when he's not there and she's pulling a stunt like that, he can't really get involved if you decide to handle things on your own.

Offline pam1

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2011, 04:48:33 PM »
If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

Laurie I don't get that either if your child or DIL is a mother then you need to step back a little after all you have had a lot of Mother's Days and this new mother hasn't.  I get annoyed with my mom who thinks I need to do what she wants on Mother's Day because she is my mom.  Hello I am a mom too and my DH wants to take me somewhere I want to go.

OP I would tell you DH flat out no more gifts for "Mommy Dearest" if he says no then tell him to go buy them himself.  But don't tell her that way when she comes to you with the gift be like "Oh well go talk to your son after all he picked it out for you."  And move on don't give her money no matter what she says.

I just don't understand women like that -- how can they expect a whole day catered to them...when there are other mothers in the room?  I for the life of me could not understand how my MIL figured out how Mothers Day extravanganza got put on, her sons didn't do it.  So she's basically sitting there waiting for her daughters (Mothers themselves!) to fawn all over her and make a big to do.

Personally, I'd be pretty embarrassed if that was me.  I asked DH once if it embarrassed him; he didn't even notice until then.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline pam1

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2011, 04:49:15 PM »
Daughters is supposed to be daughter in laws.  Her own daughters do not do it either.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2011, 05:02:43 PM »
If you stood there graciously while your mil pulled that type of a stunt, then you are a much better person then I.  I do understand that quite a few of her antics probably go on behind your dh's back.  But on Mother's Day it should have been pretty obvious to all.  To begin with.. I know that M.D. is special but once your children have children of their own isn't it time to recognize your wife and her daily hard efforts to make your family the best it can be?  I don't know why sons and daughter are expected to pay a personal and in person tribute to mom, and almost ignore the mother of the children.  Why aren't grandparents encouraging the shift in the tribute going to the young mothers?

Laurie I don't get that either if your child or DIL is a mother then you need to step back a little after all you have had a lot of Mother's Days and this new mother hasn't.  I get annoyed with my mom who thinks I need to do what she wants on Mother's Day because she is my mom.  Hello I am a mom too and my DH wants to take me somewhere I want to go.

OP I would tell you DH flat out no more gifts for "Mommy Dearest" if he says no then tell him to go buy them himself.  But don't tell her that way when she comes to you with the gift be like "Oh well go talk to your son after all he picked it out for you."  And move on don't give her money no matter what she says.

I just don't understand women like that -- how can they expect a whole day catered to them...when there are other mothers in the room?  I for the life of me could not understand how my MIL figured out how Mothers Day extravanganza got put on, her sons didn't do it.  So she's basically sitting there waiting for her daughters (Mothers themselves!) to fawn all over her and make a big to do.

Personally, I'd be pretty embarrassed if that was me.  I asked DH once if it embarrassed him; he didn't even notice until then.

Oh my mom does this everytime even on Father's Day she takes over.  Its annoying DH birthday and my dad's also are  back to back and around Father's Day and my DH told me he wants to go somewhere he wants to this year.  And we will do that. 

holliberri

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2011, 05:28:00 PM »
Good for you, SassyDI!

SassyDI

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2011, 05:51:37 PM »
Good for you, SassyDI!

I refuse to put up with it no matter who it is.  My parents Dh's father and wife.  If they get upset oh well.  Its not just about them anymore.  DH and i have our little family to think about.

holliberri

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2011, 06:23:51 PM »
I agree...it's the putting things into practice where I get caught up.

Offline Pen

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Re: Mother_in_law
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2011, 06:38:33 PM »
Welcome, RMD. Sorry I didn't get here sooner. I'm supposed to remind you to read the forum information under "Read Me First" if you haven't already done so. Your posts are fine so far, no worries, we remind all newcomers.

I'm sorry you're going through this difficult MIL stuff. I agree that your DH is a critical part of this.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb