Author Topic: My Grandma and the Compliment  (Read 3143 times)

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SassyDI

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My Grandma and the Compliment
« on: May 09, 2011, 04:59:23 AM »
Ok first off background I have always struggled with my weighted starting in High School.  As a wife and Mom so busy I let myself go ate all the wrong things.  Fast Food was my friend because you don't have to get out of the car.  Well last October my sister got engaged and is getting married in July of this year and asked me to be the Matron of Honor.  I finally decided it was time for me to join Weight Watchers who wants to be the fat girl in the wedding party right?  So I have done well losing almost 40 pounds since January and I want to lose about 30 more to be in the middle of my healthy weight.  I am proud of myself.

Now everyone is noticing and its great that they are but I don't know its to me and uncomfortable compliment.  They want to talk about it for like a half hour and I just really want to run away.  Well at my Uncle's(My mom's older brother) reflection my Grandma(Dad's mom) came with my Aunt to pay their respects.  My Grandma for the 2nd time(Easter Sunday) compliments me I was like thank you.  Tells me my DH looks good.(Mind you the man looks the same he has a thin face and body minus is lower stomach he has what is called a quad belly his muscles are just not strong enough).  Again I am like thank you even though I don't a change but maybe he does look thinner in the face who knows.  Then says "Your on your way to being skinny."  OK I know she ment well by it but it was still hurtful to me. 

Now this would be no big deal but next weekend my cousin turns 30 and we are all going out of state for a surprise party for him.  And she will be there all weekend long.  How do I avoid this topic with her and not sound rude?  I don't want to talk about it all weekend and I know she is going to be saying stuff infront of family.     

Offline pam1

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2011, 05:13:57 AM »
Just keep changing the subject, she'll eventually get the hint.  If you want to say something, I would go with "So you've said" and change the subject again. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2011, 05:18:24 AM »
Personally, if someone made a comment about me "eventually being skinny," I'd say, "I feel pretty skinny now, actually..." and then I'd change the subject, as Pam said.

Practice it and if I were you, even thought you don't want to talk about your weight loss...OWN it. 40 lbs. is a big deal...people are going to notice and they're going to talk. Change subject as soon as you feel the conversation about your weight has gone on too long. Have some simple subjects to change to (DH, DD, the good food and party).

Just stay positive the whole time...other family members will notice that she's being rude and that you are too secure and confident to notice.

Offline pam1

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2011, 05:58:50 AM »
With my FOO, I could just make a joke or tell them outright that they are being rude.  I don't know if that is possible with your Grandma, SassyDI?

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2011, 06:51:20 AM »
Personally, if someone made a comment about me "eventually being skinny," I'd say, "I feel pretty skinny now, actually..." and then I'd change the subject, as Pam said.

Practice it and if I were you, even thought you don't want to talk about your weight loss...OWN it. 40 lbs. is a big deal...people are going to notice and they're going to talk. Change subject as soon as you feel the conversation about your weight has gone on too long. Have some simple subjects to change to (DH, DD, the good food and party).

Just stay positive the whole time...other family members will notice that she's being rude and that you are too secure and confident to notice.

Thanks Ladies and thank you 40 is a big deal and I get its noticeable.  To me personally its a very touchy easy subject to overstep and put your foot in your mouth.  I usually just tell people they look great.

holliberri

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2011, 07:29:29 AM »
When people put their foot in their mouth, it really has very little to do with you.

I was plied with wine last night and MIL kept referring to DD as her baby. She was introducing her to newcomers as "my baby." Sans wine, I'd normally be angry, but with a drink of two of wine I see humor pretty easily...so I was starting to stifle giggles by the time more  newcomers arrived.

Anyhow, of course a diaper change came up, and she handed DD back to me. An 80+ year old woman (I forget who she was), said, "If she is your baby, why are you passing her off for someone else to change?"

I busted out laughing. MIL got red and started stammering about it being an expression or whatever.  The lady said, "Well, you'll have to pardon me, you've said it so many times tonight I thought you were the caregiver. Try giving credit where credit is due next time."

Doh.

MIL left. I'm assuming she cried. At least she respected the lady enough to leave the room. But hey, at least I didn't have to do or say a thing!


AnonymousDIL

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2011, 07:32:27 AM »
Anyhow, of course a diaper change came up, and she handed DD back to me. An 80+ year old woman (I forget who she was), said, "If she is your baby, why are you passing her off for someone else to change?"

This woman is my hero! LOL That is too funny. Thanks for sharing, Holly!

Offline pam1

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2011, 07:40:14 AM »
Personally, if someone made a comment about me "eventually being skinny," I'd say, "I feel pretty skinny now, actually..." and then I'd change the subject, as Pam said.

Practice it and if I were you, even thought you don't want to talk about your weight loss...OWN it. 40 lbs. is a big deal...people are going to notice and they're going to talk. Change subject as soon as you feel the conversation about your weight has gone on too long. Have some simple subjects to change to (DH, DD, the good food and party).

Just stay positive the whole time...other family members will notice that she's being rude and that you are too secure and confident to notice.

Thanks Ladies and thank you 40 is a big deal and I get its noticeable.  To me personally its a very touchy easy subject to overstep and put your foot in your mouth.  I usually just tell people they look great.

I agree, that's why I rarely remark on anyones appearance. It's a landmine.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2011, 07:45:06 AM »
Totally, unless someone is blatantly fishing, then I comment. I'd rather be known and oblivious than offensive.

SassyDI

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2011, 07:53:32 AM »
Totally, unless someone is blatantly fishing, then I comment. I'd rather be known and oblivious than offensive.

Its like the whole are you pregnant thing nope won't ask that either.  Once at a party a friend looked pregnant but didn't say anything so DH and I both talked about it after the party but not when she was there just in case.  Turns out we were right she was.  But had I said something and she wasn't oh boy that would have been very hurtful.

holliberri

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2011, 07:58:46 AM »
At GMIL's funeral, DH's two cousins were there. One had a baby 2 years ago and the other was due in 4 months.

Cousin #1 was asked over and over again if she was pregnant. She finally stood up and yelled an expletive filled statement at the whole room that it was her sister that was pregnant.

I am so glad I learned that lesson THAT day instead of learning it myself...

Offline pam1

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2011, 08:00:45 AM »
OMG, talk about foot in the mouth...

There was a lady in the military that I worked with every once in a while and she was pregnant.  You can tell b/c they wear pregnancy bdu's and you can only wear those if you are pregnant.

Anyway some time went by and I ended up working with her again on a post, she's wearing her pregnancy bdu's and I say "so whens the baby coming?"  She says it came 2 months ago with a snotty look. 

Ok....lol, so moral of the story is...even if someone is wearing maternity clothes, still do not assume they are pregnant!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2011, 08:54:10 AM »
SassyDI, good for you. Take the compliment and redirect the conversation and focus to something else.

A generic "You look fabulous" is always welcome, no matter what. We all like to be praised!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2011, 09:39:25 AM »
I doubt if there's a darned thing you can do about it. She is how she is and you are who you are. (Some would be wallowing in the attention it is bringing.) I would direct each comment back…as in, "Thanks and I have noticed that you are looking good…(holding your own…staying healthy….etc. etc.)…how do you do it? People love to talk about themselves!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Grandma and the Compliment
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2011, 10:14:28 AM »
This is the same as "Hey!  Wow, your hair looks good today!"  I can either choose to just accept the compliment and beam because I'm having a good hair day, or choose to take it badly with the thoughts of  ***Wow, are you saying my hair looked bad yesterday?***

I have done that to people with total intention of complimenting them.  "You look great!  Have you lost weight?"  when it's obvious to me that they have.  If they choose to take that as a bad thing, I can't help it.  It is done with the best intentions and meant as a compliment.  I refuse to not give someone a compliment, simply because I am afraid I will offend them.  Now, someone with a history of not excepting compliments well, I would stop complimenting them.

I think we forget many times that we choose how we except what people say.  I chose to think I am having a good hair day and someone noticed.  Gives me much more smiles that way.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell