Author Topic: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship  (Read 7067 times)

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SassyDI

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GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« on: May 06, 2011, 05:15:22 AM »
DH gets mad at me for not really trusting GMIL anymore.  I can clearly see where FIL gets his "Your going to do what I say" attitude from.  The woman as I said in another post was very rude to me when DD was concieved.  She was against IVF and repeatly told my DH to go to confession because what he did was wrong.  During my pregnancy every time I showed her my ultrasound she would freak out over it.  The first time she was like "what is this called"  I answer "A baby"  her "No no what does a Scientisit call it "I was like a fetus"  Waving it the ultrasound picture in the air her daughter standing next to me she starts saying "I don't know why they call it that its a baby.  And how can anyone have an abortion looking at this.  That is a life. Blah blah blah blah."  I wanted to so badly grab the picture of DD out of my hand and I was thinking in my head "Why are we talking about abortion no one is aborting that baby."  She did it the few times she saw the pictures.

The last straw for me came on my 30th(2010) birthday she calls me up to wish me a happy birthday.  She calls up and starts talking about my DD then talks about SisIL and DN visit.(Long story but we did not see them I got an FB message that was like last minute and the time before that a text and so we just ignored it.  DH was pissed that BIL didn't even call because we know he called the rest of the fam) and she was talking about cute things DN did I got her back to DD then she goes back to DN.  Then begins to yell at me using God and how I need to do A. B. and C.   I don't know about but when people use God in fight I tune them out.  I kept telling her I wasn't going to argue and that I had to go (Dh was taking me to dinner).  She kept talking and I kept saying goodbye.  Finally I just said sorry got to go goodbye and hung up.  She leaves a message telling my DH to call her back.  He does after dinner and she is telling him I had no right to hang up on her.  I told DH and he then told GMIL that I did say goodbye but you were  not listening.  She said it was still wrong.  Really you can't say someone is rude if they say goodbye and you are to busy in your rant to listen to them.  I don't have to stay on the phone.  She tells DH I never did wish SassyDI a "Happy Birthday"  And I was thinking yeah I kind of noticed.

The biggest problem I have with her she is quick to judge me and tell me what I did wrong and I need to ask forgiveness but she doesn't do it with the rest of the fam.  Her worse offence doesn't even come from anything with FIL and his wife.  It steams from how she reacted to me about DH's Uncle her SonIL.  I have always found Dh's Uncle werid but never was creeped out by him until a couple years back he start becoming touchy in places she should not be touching.  The first time he brushed my breast I was uncomforable but thought it was a mistake.  We only see them once to twice a year so the next time I took note and it happen again.  The following Christmas the last one I had at my house he came in and came up behind me and pulled me into a hug from behind and I was fighting to get him off me no one seemed to notice.  DH who isn't good with conflict yet went to Law School didn'mt know how to handle it.  Spoke to his father and learned FILW also had been treated that way.  DH's dad told DH he would talk to his BIL and take care of it.  DH called also to speak with GMIL and told her about it.  She blamed me saying SassyDI has big boobs UNcle would never do something like that on purpose.  SassyDI has big boob?  Yes I have big boobs and I get lots of hugs from family and friends.  Including my close friends husband's and no one ever brushes my boobs.  I was so angry with her.  I know its not her fault but DH was trying to get advice from her and how to handle it.  DH's AUnt(GMIL DD) has MS and DH didn't want to hurt her.(kind of annoys me but I get it at the same time.   After that it stopped for a while.  Last time was Oct 2009 DD was 18 months when BIL and SisIL came in with DN and we had a party at our house and he did it yet again.  I told DH that  flat out if Uncle touchs me ever again Aunt will no and I will punch him in the face.  And that if he ever touchs DD your going to have to call the cops because I will go after him.  I don't want him touching DD I don't trust him.  My BIL was standing right there and had a dirty look on his face.  I don't know why I would hope it was over his uncle sadly probably thinks I am trying to cut out another family memember but whatever.  Its not ok for him to touch me.  I refuse to go to a family fuction where he is at. 

For me I notice DH having a hard time standing up for me and it hurts.  And while its not GMIL job if I heard that my daughter's husband was doing that to my Grandson's wife I wouldn't be blaming her I would be telling him to back off.  Further I would tell her how sorry I was that she should not be treated that way.  You don't blame the victum. 

holliberri

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2011, 05:28:50 AM »
SassyDI,

I believe that often, when a woman is taken advantage of, people are quick to victim-blame.
"Oh well, she deserved it because of XYZ." That couldn't be further from the truth. We should hold the people that do bad things responsible for their actions, not the victim.

I don't think you were wrong for what you did. I do think GMIL was wrong for what she did. I also think that while I can defend myself, I believe that my DH had better be defending me as well.  Not because I need it, just out of principle. I can understand why you'd be hurt.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2011, 06:05:20 AM »
"I don't know why they call it that its a baby.  And how can anyone have an abortion looking at this.  That is a life. Blah blah blah blah." 

If this is what Aunt? said I must admit that I am confused by your reaction. She was not in any way stating that you were going to have an abortion or even considering having an abortion. She looked at the picture and couldn't understand why anyone after seeing a child on an ultrasound could have an abortion. You should let this go. She didn't mean to offend you.

holliberri

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2011, 06:08:05 AM »
I think SassyDI is offended because a complete political/ideological statement was being made about her baby...between being told to go to Confession for having sinned and then bringing a controversial topic into it.

Very poor taste, IMO. It is depersonalizing a very special time.

SassyDI

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2011, 06:09:11 AM »
"I don't know why they call it that its a baby.  And how can anyone have an abortion looking at this.  That is a life. Blah blah blah blah." 

If this is what Aunt? said I must admit that I am confused by your reaction. She was not in any way stating that you were going to have an abortion or even considering having an abortion. She looked at the picture and couldn't understand why anyone after seeing a child on an ultrasound could have an abortion. You should let this go. She didn't mean to offend you.

No its what I was thinking. And she kept going on about it.  After all DH and I went though she turned what was a happy moment into her out busts yet again.  And that wasn't the first time.  An ultrasound picture to any new mother is very specail.  We don't want to here about your prolife beliefs when you are looking at it.  Just say ahh how sweet and move on and keep it to yourself.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2011, 06:13:56 AM »
Well, yeah, I know I'm Scum because I would probably fall guilty of making a statement like that too. I didn't think it was offensive.

holliberri

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2011, 06:16:49 AM »
Who called anyone Scum, ADil?

There was also an issue about being told she sinned for having gone to IVF. She's politicizing a very special time. It's okay for people to be offended by it.

SassyDI

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2011, 06:17:47 AM »
I think SassyDI is offended because a complete political/ideological statement was being made about her baby...between being told to go to Confession for having sinned and then bringing a controversial topic into it.

Very poor taste, IMO. It is depersonalizing a very special time.

Right she already told DH about going to confession I was getting over that rude comment.  Personally I know its her belief system but she is so pushy.  DH's family wouldn't answer the phone on Sunday's because GMIL would call to check to see if they were at chruch.  It was none of her business.  She tries to push her beliefs on you and if you don't agree will send you articles.  She knows better then to give me anything.  When she handed BIL a article on being aganist Stem Cell researh she didn't hand one to DH or I.  A wise choice.   She also knows I am prochoice when it comes to voting and I it bothers her.


SassyDI

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2011, 06:19:25 AM »
Well, yeah, I know I'm Scum because I would probably fall guilty of making a statement like that too. I didn't think it was offensive.

Thats fine but I do.  And when someone does it to you, you can feel how you want.  Why tell me to let it go?  I do have a right to have feelings last time I checked.

holliberri

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2011, 06:20:53 AM »
Ah...there it is. I would take that as a dig at my personal and political values too in  your position. It's okay to disagree, it's completely another to be pushy about it.

SassyDI

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2011, 06:25:23 AM »
Ah...there it is. I would take that as a dig at my personal and political values too in  your position. It's okay to disagree, it's completely another to be pushy about it.

Oh I think it was too.  When I told her that I am prolife for myself minus rape but that I vote prochoice because I don't feel I get to decided for other woman.   she was angry.  DH was like why did you tell her that.  She started the convo I am not scared to state my views.  Then she brought Jake Kevorkian and about how hew wrong it was that he helped all those people.  DH and I were very confused what that had to do with abortion.  And she isn't friendly when she talks either she gets very angry. 

holliberri

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2011, 06:38:53 AM »
My MIL is like that. Even when I do agree with her I get upset b/c of how she treats the people that disagree with her. She gets red in the face and stands up and down. She's very dismissive and as her point falls apart, the more upset she gets.

I've decided I leave the room when she starts talking politics. Period. It's better for my own blood pressure. She knows my views...I've exhausted myself explaining them to her. She knows how I feel, so at this point she must just be trying to convince me to change my point of view.

SassyDI

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2011, 06:44:49 AM »
My MIL is like that. Even when I do agree with her I get upset b/c of how she treats the people that disagree with her. She gets red in the face and stands up and down. She's very dismissive and as her point falls apart, the more upset she gets.

I've decided I leave the room when she starts talking politics. Period. It's better for my own blood pressure. She knows my views...I've exhausted myself explaining them to her. She knows how I feel, so at this point she must just be trying to convince me to change my point of view.

I do the same thing.  FIL wife is just like MIL in this.  This was a long time ago but we were driving in my DH's van and she FIL and BIL were in the back.  ANd she she is R FIL and rest of us our D's.  She was trying to tell FIL that he shouldn't vote for the D but vote R and why.  It was very pushy.  And she too gets very angry about you not seeing it her way.  I don't do pushy very well.   

holliberri

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2011, 06:49:20 AM »
I've noticed that even if I agree with people, if they are pushy...I start looking for reasons why they're wrong. Terrible, I know. I just think it is a way for me to convince myself I'm still half reasonable and I am secure to change my point of view if provided the right kind of information.

holliberri

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Re: GMIL and my love and dislike relationship
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2011, 07:13:38 AM »
ADil,

I'm sorry that what I said offended you. I would never imply that you're scum. I would be just as taken back if someone decided to unleash pro-choice views on me at the exact moment I simply showed them an U/S photo. I just think it was the wrong place, wrong time.  I just meant the actions were bad, not the point of view. I think everyone is entitled to their opinion and I do welcome debate.