Author Topic: 'Villain of the piece'?  (Read 2413 times)

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Offline forever spring

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'Villain of the piece'?
« on: May 01, 2011, 02:47:44 AM »
A few weeks ago I posted on this site. I said I was leaving my DIL, DS and GK to be with my husband who is working in a different country until the end of next year.
Since I revealed my intentions to everybody, I feel like the villain of the piece. The only good relationship I seem to have now is with my DS. When we are on our own we talk normally and I feel relaxed. I can play with the GC and it's great fun.
I feel really guilty in my relationship with the other grandparents because now they have to do an awful lot more and are beginning to feel resentful about that. But in return they have a good relationship with their DD and GC.
I feel I have abandoned everybody. Only, when I was still there and available full time, it didn't work either. I have not spoken to my DIL for some time now and quite frankly I don't know how this is going to be mended with time.
I'm so concerned about my DS, he is working so hard to keep everything together and he is often tired. I do hope that my leaving does not lead to a split in DS and MIL relationship. I feel thoroughly helpless and deep down inside guilty. They have 2 small children, a good house, income, help from many sides, the opportunity to take time out occasionally - I really can't see why they are not coping. I think that is at the bottom of everything. I just don't emphasise enough but I don't want to feel sorry for them, that's not a good emotion. It will not change anything.
Also I will still be around until the end of August and we could have a real fun meaningful summer with DH, DS, MIL, FOO and GK.
Thanks for your ear, everybody. I've never been the villain of the piece before and it's not a part that suits me well.

Offline pam1

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2011, 06:48:31 AM »
Chelmsford, embrace it  ;D  It can be quite fun at times.

I'm also confused why your DS/DIL need so much help.  They sound very well off (not just financially.)  IMO, they should be thanking you for the effort you have given and the time spent away from your own husband in helping them.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Sassy

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2011, 06:52:07 AM »
I had to look up that idiom, so I may not understand it completely.  You are not the villian!  It appears you may be the latest handy scapegoat for a family that has trouble coping, with or without your assistance.  I just can't accept that giving months of notice to wean them so that you may be with your DH makes you any kind of villian.  Besides being the right thing to do as a wife and spouse, it is also doing what any parent who wants to foster independence in their grown children must do, sooner or later.   If they were living above their financial means and you were supplementing it,  to your own detriment, the picture might be clearer.  Your son and his family can do it.  Your DIL does not realize it yet, because she has not done it yet, but as she gains strength and confidence from flying on her own a bit more, she will.   Hugs to you!

Sassy
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SassyDI

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2011, 07:18:36 AM »
OK so you helped them and now you left so they are mad at you?  Well let them be mad all they want but you have done nothing wrong.  I have a husband in a wheelchair and couldn't help me when DD was first born.  Guess who stayed at my house?  Oh thats right no one.  They choose to have two kids and now they have to learn how to handle it on there own. 

Seems to me if they can't handle it they should have never though about having a second child.  With my hubby's injury we are done at one.  Why because I would probably need lots of help with another child and I not only would my mother not want to move in.  I don't want her to move in.  It would drive me crazy. 

Offline Pen

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2011, 07:43:33 AM »
Chelmsford, you are taking care of yourself & your DH. You have given plenty of notice so as not to cause a last minute panic. You've given of your time, effort, love and money. Time to stand tall and shake off those feelings of "villain" since you are obviously not one. They'll manage! They've got all the resources a young family could want and then some. Enjoy your summer, and then enjoy being home w/DH.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2011, 07:44:42 AM »
Chelms,

I am glad you made this decision for you and your DH and not for anyone else. You shouldn't feel bad that the other GPs will have to pick up the slack, b/c they might not. They shouldn't have expected you to do so, and they shouldn't "make" you the root cause of their new roles in this matter. The truth is, that is up to your DIL and DS what role they will fulfill...no one else. Things change all the time. A daycare down the street was flooded last week and guess what? Instead of finding a different place to care for children, the daycare shut down completely. All of those parents now have to make other arrangements.

They will need to cope with this on their own...so you are 100% correct. You're not abandoning them...parents have to deal with decisions and situations that change all the time. You are giving plenty of notice, so they should be able to come up with someone quite creative and manageable by then.

You were already feeling guilty b/c you made plans other times with friends of your own....so either way, you're going to feel guilty. You can't possibly be there every single time they need you, and if that is what DIL was looking for...it's asking to much of anyone.

Offline Sheen

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2011, 10:02:44 AM »
Hi
Living in a different country then your kids can be very hard and challenging to keep a relationship with gc going and active. Although I live in a different country then my two daughters, we do manage to speak every day which keeps us in touch with each other's lives.  We also have a webcam for my gd so we can still stay active in our relationship with her. It does take a bit more effort to keep the relationships going but the time you spend with them when you go back for a visit is really special.
When I first left the US , I made sure the girls all had their passports and were able to contact us at any time which helped make the distance a bit easier to deal with. Even though we have been out of the US for over nine years, when we do visit, we are still dealing with the splitting our time equally during our visits.  It seems they caculate exactly how many days we spend with each one and if one is a day or two shorter, I always seem to hear about it.  lol.
It will be a bit hard in the begining both for them and for you but you will find that once they get use to the idea  they will come around .  Best of luck

Offline forever spring

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2011, 04:49:57 PM »
Thanks for your replies everybody.
I just had a great weekend away from it all, visited younger DS and girlfriend and my cousins. Took time off and feel GREAT. If this is selfish, so be it. Haven't felt that good in a long while. The doormat is finally flying away like one of those magic carpets in 1001 nights.  :D

cadagi101

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2011, 05:04:01 PM »
Thanks for your replies everybody.
I just had a great weekend away from it all, visited younger DS and girlfriend and my cousins. Took time off and feel GREAT. If this is selfish, so be it. Haven't felt that good in a long while. The doormat is finally flying away like one of those magic carpets in 1001 nights.  :D

Chelms after reading all these posts from your OP and now this one it is a great thing to hear you have "escaped"  your so called "villian mode".   Well done and fly that magic carpet.     



cadagi101

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2011, 05:05:45 PM »
Thanks for your replies everybody.
I just had a great weekend away from it all, visited younger DS and girlfriend and my cousins. Took time off and feel GREAT. If this is selfish, so be it. Haven't felt that good in a long while. The doormat is finally flying away like one of those magic carpets in 1001 nights.  :D

Chelms after reading all these posts from your OP and now this one it is a great thing to hear you have "escaped"  your so called "villian mode".   Well done and fly that magic carpet.   

i will just add.. to everyone involved in these discussions it just proves how powerful support and friendship is on WWU.

Offline Pen

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2011, 07:29:28 PM »
Chelmsford, that's fantastic! Good for you, keep flying.

I agree, Julia.

Sheen, what would we far away folk do w/o Skype? I'm glad you're able to be in daily contact w/your DDs.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2011, 07:30:51 PM »
Such good news!  So glad you got to enjoy some time away!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: 'Villain of the piece'?
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2011, 02:22:01 AM »
Mod Team :

Just thought I would say congrats to the mod Team !!
Well done ladies ! It can't be easy but you're doing a great job keeping us all in line .

Must bring some apples for the new teachers ....... :) :)