Author Topic: I would have never gotten away with it.  (Read 9974 times)

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SassyDI

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I would have never gotten away with it.
« on: April 27, 2011, 05:12:37 AM »
Growing up my mother was pretty strict.  I mean don't get me wrong she was fun to be around but we had to be good and follow the rules no questions asked.  Well then she became a Grandmother and its like it went right out the window.  Things DD gets away with my mother would have never let me gotten away with it.(when dd is in her care)  Its like I sometimes ask myself is the same woman.  She also gets mad at me saying I am to hard on DD but I am not harder then she was on me.   That she doesn't like to see her cry.

For example:

My DD birthday was a couple weeks back and she and I were over at my parents house.(DH sadly long story was in the hospital and we went to visit for a while but she got antsy)  Sitting in there basement DD lays down on the ground and begans to kick at my sister dog.  No warning to me was need I stuck her right in time out flat out you don't kick at a dog.  My mom was like really you can't put her in time out its her birthday.  Really so she gets a free pass to kick a dog because its her birthday.  If I had kicked that dog my mother would have been so angry with me she would have well probably slapped me. 

Over at my Aunt's house after my cousin bridal shower last May DD was playing on my Aunt's steps.  I got her off the step and gave her a warning well she climbed up again so I put her in time out.  She had to be place there several times for not listening.  My mom starts getting in my face telling me how wrong I am and that I am making a scene.  Really um I am be claim about this and discplining my child I am pretty sure the only person making scene was my mother.  Then she and my Grandma who well both don't like to see her cry were giving her pop.  Water down like mostly water and I told them that was enough well she wanted more.  I told her no and she began to throw a fit.  Both my mother and grandma are now tag teaming me about how mean I am.  Finally just said were leaving.  Learned later she was talking about me behind my back and that my cousin told her flat out that I am the mother and she needs to let me handle it how I want too.  That she and her own mother(my dad's cousin's wife) also had to learn to step back.

She also tells me when she watches DD that she won't punish her because she is the grandma.  My dh is paralized and really can't do much if she is over or anywhere and I am either out of the room or in the middle of doing something and she see's DD doing something wrong or about to hurt herself she calls for me.  When I ask her why don't you take care of it yourself.   And then goes not my problem my reply was then if its not your problem don't tell me about it.  She use to thank god she stopped doing this thing where I would be sitting right there and DD was little and still unblanced and she would freak saying my name 100 times and I was like dude chill out.

When she is at my mom's without me my mom tells me the stuff she does.  But she refuses to put her in time out she just tells her no.  Which does't work.

So ladies my question to you is why do Grandmother's let GC get away with things they would never let their children get away with.

holliberri

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2011, 05:34:01 AM »
I don't think all G-parents do that. I also think that sometimes, after you've been around the block you know  what is an issue and what is not. Other times, because the times have changed, you're not up to speed with the new 'how-tos.' (I believe you were the one that mentioned the rear facing carseat was in issue...yikes!).

I think you were right for  putting DD in time out...kicking dogs is abuse.

I think the "no pop" rule (your DD is 3 right?) is another sensible rule...as there is a huge increase in type II diabetes among children. I realize some people may find it strict, but there is plenty of time for soda later on.

I know you must be in a difficult position, b/c if I were in your shoes, I don't think they'd be caretaking for me. Kids cry; and it's the first thing they learn to do when they're in trouble and you already have that "guilt" button they've learned to press. I'm sorry they are giving you a hard time about your discipline practices.

Their upset with your DD's crying is their problem, not yours.

Offline pam1

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2011, 05:36:38 AM »
SassyDI, my guess is that people change.  My parents had a lot of children (divorces, remarriages) and I have noticed they even parent their own children differently as time goes by. 

They also aren't the parents, so their responsibility lies elsewhere with a grandchild.  And like with my father LOL, you could tell him 50 times that something is bad for DD but until he actually sees it, he just won't believe me.  Maybe believe is a strong word, I think it just does not compute. 
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AnonymousDIL

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2011, 06:04:26 AM »
This made me chuckle. Your mom is going to annoy the you know what out of you while you are raising DD because she is the Grandma. I think it is in the job description lol. Grandparents aren't Parents. They aren't supposed to discipline you. It is a perk of being a grandparent. They spoil and send home. Discipline is your job. I'm sure DD will turn out just fine even if G-ma lets her get away with anything and everything.

Psst! Aunts are the same way. We aren't supposed to discipline. Our only "discipline" is "I'm going to tell your mom/dad about this when they pick you up." That should be enough to get the kid to behave lol

holliberri

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2011, 06:09:42 AM »
ADil,

GPs certainly are within bounds to discipline while caretaking..and they can still manage to spoil while enforcing big rules...like no kicking the dog. Besides, I think part of the problem here is that SassyDI is being criticized for her discipline of DD.

Just envision all those kids at the Y that get on your nerves for misbehavior as being with their GPs instead of their parents, since GPs aren't supposed to discipline. :)

SassyDI

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2011, 06:19:14 AM »
ADil,

GPs certainly are within bounds to discipline while caretaking..and they can still manage to spoil while enforcing big rules...like no kicking the dog. Besides, I think part of the problem here is that SassyDI is being criticized for her discipline of DD.

Just envision all those kids at the Y that get on your nerves for misbehavior as being with their GPs instead of their parents, since GPs aren't supposed to discipline. :)

Exactally futher it is not my job to discipline for something that happen when I wasn't there.  By the time I got to it she is to little to understand why I am discipling her.  DD just turned three but she loves have sleepovers at my sister's which is an hour away she will spend one to two night with her and her FDH.  My sister doesn't mess around you don't follow the rules you get time out and she also spoils her all at the same time.  Heck she has done time out when I am around.  DD acted out at her birthday party I was cleaning up the food didn't see her throw toys that knocked Icecream onto a guest.  My sister scooped her up not saying a word and put her in time out.  I am not asking her to be a parent either I am asking her to follow my rules.  And butt out of my parenting. 

LaurieS

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2011, 06:36:54 AM »
I am not asking her to be a parent either I am asking her to follow my rules.  And butt out of my parenting.
Could this statement be a part of the underlying problem?

Offline pam1

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2011, 06:40:05 AM »
Hmmm...I have mixed feelings on this one.

In your case SassyDI I would think maybe they aren't a good fit for they type of care taking you're looking for. 

I think out of all my DD's grandparents (my parents, her fathers parents and DH's parents) the only one who actually will do a timeout is her fathers parents.  And it's not like they haven't had chances, DD has ADHD so there is plenty of chances to sit her little hyper tuckus in a corner.  It's just been my experience that grandparents don't want to be a parent again.  Or rather they want the fun stuff.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2011, 06:43:37 AM »
I do agree, Pam. I just don't think a GP should be telling a parent AS they are disciplining their child that they are too hard on said child.

What message does that send to a kid within earshot?

I think I've said this before, caretaking on a regular basis is different than an afternoon with G-ma once in awhile. I don't mind rules bent once in awhile, but everyday?


SassyDI

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2011, 06:51:30 AM »
I do agree, Pam. I just don't think a GP should be telling a parent AS they are disciplining their child that they are too hard on said child.

What message does that send to a kid within earshot?

I think I've said this before, caretaking on a regular basis is different than an afternoon with G-ma once in awhile. I don't mind rules bent once in awhile, but everyday?

Right they watch her once in a while and take her for a night or two if DH and I need them too.  DD is home with me the rest of the time. 


Pam I don't see how doing time out makes you the parent.  As a former childcare worker I can tell you me putting children in time out did not make me feel like a parent.  If a parent had a rule about the child we followed it.  Even if we didn't agree with it.  I see a grandparenting watching a child no different then anyone else.  Spoil away fine but not to the point of rotten.

Offline pam1

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2011, 06:58:01 AM »
Honestly, unless DD is going to be hurt/get hurt I don't see the harm.  I also use that philosphy in my home.  Now if someone blatantly ignores that, I do not use them as a babysitter. 

I think once you have kids you can't expect everyone to just follow your rules, however it would be nice if they did.  Rather you have to decide if that person is a fit care taker.  It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  As the parent, you're the responsible party regardless of who's watching.  SassyDI now you know your parents view on care taking, IMO it's up to you to continue or not. 

IMO it's just an exercise in futility to try to make someone do it your own way.  I agree personally that these things are not OK, I just don't agree with the approach in trying to change your parents or make them do anything. 

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2011, 07:00:49 AM »
Classic example DD standing on a chair was talking to my sister didn't know.  SassyDI DD is standing on a chair and she could fall hurry.  Um ok so in the mean time she falls because what you said nothing?  If it is dangerous take care of it and worry about saying something to me after.  I can only here the ER doctor how did this happen.  "Well my mom noticed her standing on a chair and didn't want to be the "parent" so she told me to come get her."

Offline pam1

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2011, 07:04:35 AM »
Right, I agree that it was wrong of her to do.  My point is that as the parent you now know that they aren't interested in intervening, even when the situation is dangerous. 

It's one of those situations where you can be "right" until the cows come home and in the end, you'll still be wrong if anything ever happens to DD. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2011, 07:08:14 AM »
It's just been my experience that grandparents don't want to be a parent again.  Or rather they want the fun stuff.
Are you saying Pam that they do not want to be disciplinarians again?

Sassydl.. what Holly is saying makes sense.. you are not going to change the person who is watching your child.. I think we just went through this with a poster who by all rights thought that some of the 'rules' were silly and chose to pick and choose which rules she would follow.  To me this would be a typical issue that parents have to deal with when picking a person for childcare.

Is it possible that you are giving your mother mixed messages.. in your example about the chair.. had you not said.. "And then goes not my problem my reply was then if its not your problem don't tell me about it.  She use to thank god she stopped doing this thing where I would be sitting right there and DD was little and still unblanced and she would freak saying my name 100 times and I was like dude chill out."

holliberri

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Re: I would have never gotten away with it.
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2011, 07:08:58 AM »
Yeah, daycare follows most of my rules...but there were some they couldn't/wouldn't do. It was up to me at that point to decide if I was flexibile enough to live with that, or switch my caretaking plans.

Forunately, I've decided I was being overtop with my rules anyhow, and I gave in.

This sounds like major stuff you are talking about. Are you in a situation where you can switch caretakers?