Author Topic: Older woman-younger man  (Read 961 times)

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coraline1976

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Older woman-younger man
« on: April 20, 2011, 08:25:58 AM »
My Boyfriend is 33 and a professor at a university.  I am 58.  We have been living together for 5 years.  His parents live in another state.  He will not take me home when he goes and has not told them about me.  We have had numerous arguments over this.  He said his parents will NOT understand, especially his mother.  HIs mother calls him EVERY day !  I am positive that he loves me.  I know all of his friends and co-workers and colleagues and we go everywhere together. There is just this one problem.  It is to the point that if I don't stop pestering him about it--I am afraid there is going to be a breakup between us and I don't want that.  No--I do not have money and that is not why he is with me . He has more money than me and buys me whatever I want.  My family and friends love him,  He is VERY mature for his age; he has a PhD. He has always liked older women better than ones his age.  He does not like the immaturity and drama of younger women. What should I do?  If I push it, there is going to be a major problem.  He only sees them twice a year for a week and the rest of the time is with me. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2011, 08:34:49 AM »
It looks to me like you have answered your own question. If you push farther you are going to damage a good thing. Leave his mom out of it...he knows better than to tell her. None of us has a perfect relationship. Yours sounds close. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

holliberri

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2011, 08:44:58 AM »
You sound like you have a wonderful relationship. He may have very good reason for handling it this way, and it likely has very little to do with you at all.

There was a poster on here a while ago that was aware of her son's relationship with an older woman. While the situation was not as ideal as yours, this poster was saying not very nice things about the older woman...and seemed to blame the woman for being older for what she thought were problems in her son's relationship. She held the woman more accountable than she did her own son, although both were adults. I have a feeling that even if the woman were a saint, and there were no issues at all, that this man's mother would still not have held her in high regard, and would continue to say awful things about her. I wouldn't want to go through that myself, and I wouldn't want that added strain on my relationship.

While your situation is completely different...perhaps meeting the parents would open a can of worms for you that you both don't need. If isn't broke, why fix it? If you are happy with him, that is all that counts.  :)

coraline1976

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2011, 09:36:06 AM »
I appreciate the comments. I guess what really upsets me--is that he leaves me here in Texas  and flies off to Florida for a week.  I feel worthless and insignificant.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like he is living two lives.

holliberri

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2011, 09:55:58 AM »
Solution?

Go with him but take a trip to the Everglades yourself?

Or find some girlfriends and plan a trip then?

I would make myself appear very unavailable and very independent during that week if I was feeling abandoned. I'd make it so I'd feel empowered and secure, even if he was away. Just a thought.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2011, 10:34:59 AM »
Coraline :

With respect ......my son is 35 , and if he brought home his partner who was your age , I would flip !.
Now I mean this with the utmost respect to you , and believe you have a wonderful partnership , but this is from
the mom's point of view , which is my take on your post .
I think he wants to keep your relationship special , but by letting the two of you meet , would probably
open a can of worms and perhaps disaster for your future . He obviously knows how his Mom would react
and wants to protect you from her wrath .
On the flip side , if I introduced a younger man as my partner to my offspring , I reckon the same fireworks
would happen .. So I might keep my toy boy a secret too .....hmmm green eyed monster appearing here ...lol

LaurieS

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2011, 10:40:22 AM »
I appreciate the comments. I guess what really upsets me--is that he leaves me here in Texas  and flies off to Florida for a week.  I feel worthless and insignificant.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like he is living two lives.

If every time he visits his mother you feel worthless and insignificant, yet when he is home you feel a part of his life and worthy, then you too are living two lives.  I agree with Holli.. make this your time to get away as well.. I do not think I'd follow him to Florida because then you'd just look needy and pathetic.  But instead of living with all these labels, just accept the fact that he does not have the relationship with his parents that you wish he had.  The visits home would not bother me nearly as much as the daily phone calls... do you sit silently in the background while he chats away?

Offline pam1

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2011, 01:31:15 PM »
It looks to me like you have answered your own question. If you push farther you are going to damage a good thing. Leave his mom out of it...he knows better than to tell her. None of us has a perfect relationship. Yours sounds close. Sending love...

Coraline, I've been thinking about your post all day and really, Luise said it best I think. 

I do think for that week he was gone I would go on a killer vacation.  And yes, like Laurie said the daily phone call would have to stop or at least, be done not in my presence.  It's pretty rude imo
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2011, 08:03:13 AM »
I agree with everyone here.  I would have a hard time with this too.  I believe one of the biggest parts of my relationship with my DH (which is great) is honesty.  It does almost feel dishonest on his part to not own up to the relationship.  You have answered your own question.  You either have to accept it and do what others here suggested and go somewhere on vacation, or not accept it and be willing to deal with the consequences of what it could do to your relationship.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Sassy

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Re: Older woman-younger man
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2011, 09:01:07 PM »
It's much more tolerable to decide this situation says far more about his relationship with his mom, than it does about his love with you.

I know of several men who have never taken women to meet their family until they were wed.  Some men are like that.  Can I venture to say I'd bet a stack of pancakes he hasn't brought any woman to meet his parents, since he moved out of their home?

Luise is right about there is no perfect.  There just isn't.  He sounds like a wonderful man that you trust, enjoy, have a lot in common with, and most of all, he does treat you exactly how you want 52 weeks out of 54.  If you cannot respect his clearly stated limits on this, and push him to where he is in enough pain to leave, I'm afraid you'd have so many regrets.  Its the kind of thing you'd look back and be like "Why and how did I forget about all the wonderful, when I focused only on what wasn't there."  Think big picture.  You're crazy about him!  Don't lose him!

+ Another vote for planning and doing something truly special for yourself during the time of those visits.  In fact, I must insist on it.   ;D  May I recommend a trip to a National Park?  Also, most KOA campgrounds (they're everywhere, even off highways in random places, check online) now have these "kabins" that are adorable.  I hesitate to reveal to my friends who think I'm nature girl, just how luxurious modern camping can be.  The last Kabin had a heater, bathroom, little kitchen, tv, and wireless internet for $42 a night.  Just brought sheets, pillows, towels, food and wine. And a pair of cats.  (Every KOA is different, and some offer different levels of Kabins and pet policies).