Author Topic: We don't measure up  (Read 3448 times)

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Offline Pen

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We don't measure up
« on: November 09, 2009, 10:40:13 PM »
DILs family wants nothing to do with us, just as DIL wants nothing to do with us. I'm not sure who is egging on whom. Apparently we are poor, trashy, uneducated, stupid, horrible people who just happened to raise a son who is acceptable (must have been pure luck!) DS says it's their problem, not ours, but it sure feels like ours since they don't seem to see it as a problem! They got what they wanted and we get the dribs and drabs.

We were officially "dissed" at an event the other day, and it felt really weird and awkward. The saying, "It's their world and we just live in it" seems to fit. I'm now at home recovering, and they're totally uncaring, going about their business as usual. Blahhh!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2009, 06:01:14 AM »
they are the poor, trasy, uneducated people, not you! 

consider then, yourself very fortunate, b/c they are the ones missing out....in not knowing you...

How dare the audacity of some people! 

Hugs
Creme

Offline Pen

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2009, 07:09:59 AM »
Hugs to you too!

Actually, they are wealthy and well-educated...but you're right, they certainly act like poor, trashy, uneducated people! As my DH says, "Who raised her (DIL)??" We have nothing to apologize for! Our children turned out to be respectful, kind, and compassionate.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2010, 05:47:24 AM »
As someone who was treated that way at my daughter's wedding, I certainly relate to your situation penstamen.  An although many people can say it's not your problem it feels in your heart like it is, and that hurts.  I wish I knew of some magical solution that would end the judgemental attitudes money gives some people.  I don't know what to tell you, because I don't know what to do about my own.

I have reached a point where I think I am just going to put the whole problem aside and hope my daughter comes back someday and realizes it was a mistake to let someone treat me that way.  Nothing I can do or say will change what happened, but I care enough "about me" to stay out of the way.  I have done nothing to deserve this treatment, and it's bad for me to keep going back for more.

I wish I had something positive to say here that would open a door of possibilities for you to try or think about.  I wish someone could do that for me too.  I'm really sorry there are people out there who think they are above so many others, and feel they have the right to kick those other people down.  It's bullyish behavior, and I think it may make them feel powerful to do that, but I wont let myself go through it anymore.

It's all I have and it's not much.  Don't stoop to their level.  Just be loving and accepting of your DS and DIL.  It may take them time to see that sometimes "trashy" is in the mind of the person with that behavior (or that belief).  Pat yourself on the back for being able to go through that unblemished.  Then just see what a truly wonderful human being you are for your strength. 

P.S. - You can't buy love or strength

Offline Pen

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2010, 08:58:59 AM »
Thanks, Coco. We realized very early on that there was no way we could compete financially, so we don't have any choice but to just be our loving, fun, accepting selves. However, it's been used as a reason to push us away. Lately things have been better with DIL (her family doesn't acknowledge us) but we'll see. Thank goodness DS sticks up for us!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2010, 09:44:14 AM »
It sounds like you have raised a very wise and compassionate son.  Maybe things have been better with DIL, because she is starting to see that you are a loving person who did nothing to deserve being overlooked as a human being.  Maybe you have actually gotten "HER" attention.  Wouldn't that be nice...

Hang in, penstamen.  As you said, you can't compete, financially.  But your "big heart" may keep you close in their thoughts, and ever closer someday in their lives.  I think you are a strong woman.
I also believe time reveals all people (maybe I'm an old hippie), but love and compassion are timeless.  Those things are remembered well beyond monetary "things."

I'm not an expert.  It's just what I believe as someone who still loves and remember's a MIL for simple loving acts.  She was my own teacher - (and I won't admit this if I'm ever asked), but I learned more from her example than my own mother's words.

cdb

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2010, 01:37:00 AM »
My heart goes out to you! I do relate to the hurt and pain. cdb

Annie123

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2010, 06:30:26 PM »
In my opinion, Anyone who tries to make someone feel like they aren't good enough is only covering their own small minded spirits and hearts.
And that makes them NOT GOOD ENOUGH. next time hold your head high and walk on by. You are as good or better than anyone else. Only people who are scared about someone finding out who they really are would try to make someone else feel that way. Hugsssss ;)

Offline Pen

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2010, 09:52:24 PM »
Very good advice, Annie123. This is a difficult concept for me - I know it intellectually but get knocked off my pinnings easily. I'm learning...
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

barelythere

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Re: We don't measure up
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2010, 10:02:37 PM »
In my opinion, Anyone who tries to make someone feel like they aren't good enough is only covering their own small minded spirits and hearts.
And that makes them NOT GOOD ENOUGH. next time hold your head high and walk on by. You are as good or better than anyone else. Only people who are scared about someone finding out who they really are would try to make someone else feel that way. Hugsssss ;)

This I know for sure is true. When you are not set financially and have to cast out other people, dismiss them for not being up to your standards, you have not made it, and are not secure within yourself.