Author Topic: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents  (Read 7021 times)

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CBalser

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Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« on: June 01, 2009, 08:41:34 AM »
My daughter in law lets her parents meddle too much in her marriage to my son.  They are very overprotective and bossy.  She will not stand up to them and set any boundaries.  They are also very "religious", which neither my son nor my daughter in law are, and use Bibles and verses to judge them and their relationship often.  My son is getting frustrated over this.  This in turn upsets the parents and puts my DIL in the middle, trying to appease both sides.  She does not like to address the issue and tends to withdraw.  When this gets bad, she just declares to my son that maybe they should just divorce.  They have a 3-yr. old son. 
Has anyone else dealt with this issue?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2009, 09:05:06 PM »
Welcome "C". I have not experienced the situation myself but the pattern of DILs being deeply entrenched with their families of origin has come up before.

However, in your situation, your DIL doesn't seem to like it or encourage it, she just doesn't know how to deal with it. How sad if her solutions is to cut and run.

And the religious thing is sure a hot topic. Personally it makes my blood boil to know her parents are quoting the bible and destroying the marriage simultaneously. That's the height is hypocrisy in my book. (Hope I didn't step on any toes.)

We need an 11th commandment. Prissy is really good at that kind of thing. How about: Thou Shalt Not Meddle?"

It must feel awful for you to be watching all of this play out and not e able to help. It's theirs to deal with or be conquered by. Blessings, Luise
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Alicev

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2009, 05:55:48 AM »
Hi CBlair!

I totally agree with Luise on this one. If her parents are very religious they have most likely also been very authoritative. Your DIL has probably been raised to put her own needs aside and not question authority (her parents). She finds it hard to step up for herself and is afraid to lose the love of her parents if she does. I believe that we are dealing here with a case where she really does not know any better. The avoidance technique has worked for her when she was a child (that was probably her "survival" skill) and she hasn't learned or doesn't know any better ways. I would strongly recommend your DIL see a counselor to seek some insight into the matter and perhaps with the help from there she can experiment with some other ways of how to deal with her parents in a more constructive and effective manner.

You can always express understanding how hard it must be for when her parents constantly play on her feelings of guilt and use to their advantage.

All the best to you!

SunnyDays09

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2009, 06:19:28 PM »
  I could live here in this thread.  I have sooo much to say about meddling parents of dils!  I should say parent - her mother. 
   She, I feel, was the catalyst in the ruin of our relationship.  She felt threatened.  Her kids lovingly call her THE DOMINATE ONE.  Nice. 
  I like Alpha Dog.   ;D

Prissy

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2009, 06:38:16 PM »
I think that's nice. Alpha Dog. I tried to give you another check but it won't let me.

Let's think abstractly.....If the sun would come down and sit on her house, would anything happen to her?

AnnieB

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2009, 03:25:41 PM »
Yes, but.... is there any place for our new friend, CBlair (HI CBLair!!!), as a MIL to step in in this situation, or is this between the son and his wife to work out?

I hesitate now to discuss anything with either of my married sons and their wives - and religion and comments about her parents is right up there with finances, child-rearing and house decor... it is none of my business, and some things they have to figure out on their own.   

As long as the other in-laws aren't trying to get them to drink Kool-aid (ancient reference), I would imagine the couple is going to work this out.     
« Last Edit: September 08, 2009, 03:27:27 PM by AnnieB »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2009, 11:19:59 PM »
Is there anything harder than watching our adult kids mature? And getting that it's their path? And seeing what they don't see? And shutting up?

Oh, boy! I have had to visualize myself with invisible duct tape over my mouth!!! Mute is not my strong suit!!!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

AnnieB

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2009, 09:53:31 AM »

Sassy

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2009, 12:55:15 PM »
CBalser: you don't want to be a meddler, either, naturally.  So please take special care when listening to your son's concerns, not to share your judgment of his wife, or how she handles her parents, to him.

When your son is coming to you and telling you his wife is talking about divorce, then the kindest thing you can do, is to suggest he find them a good marriage counselor to help them cope.

Turtle

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Re: Daughter in Law's Meddling Parents
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2010, 10:20:04 AM »
My daughter in law lets her parents meddle too much in her marriage to my son.  They are very overprotective and bossy.  She will not stand up to them and set any boundaries.  They are also very "religious", which neither my son nor my daughter in law are, and use Bibles and verses to judge them and their relationship often.  My son is getting frustrated over this.  This in turn upsets the parents and puts my DIL in the middle, trying to appease both sides.  She does not like to address the issue and tends to withdraw.  When this gets bad, she just declares to my son that maybe they should just divorce.  They have a 3-yr. old son. 
Has anyone else dealt with this issue?
   Oh-hh ya ::) It may look different, but dominance as well.
   One of the early tactics was the "nicey nicey" treatment. In front of others, DIL's mom would say things like...we were kindred spirits" :P Privately we were mostly ignored.
   Even now DIL looks at her wedding photos and says there are few of our side of the fam. , that her Mom had been very dominant. At the time I remember asking for at least one sitting for our fam.
   One time both us moms were chatting about an upcoming event concerning DIL. DIL's mom asked what I was getting her as a gift I told her what I was considering, and she suggested a place to find it, giving me the address. I went the next day, and the clerk said DIL's Mom had been in an hour before and made the very same purchase an hour before :o
   The kids have been upset at times, that we don't necessarily plan an event on the day of. e.g. thanksgiving on that day, but maybe a few days later. We take into consideration when everyone can make it. With that I have been accused of being a doormat. I call it considerate. I have tried to comply with their wishes, but then DIL's mom will book them tickets to fly them out of state to her home, knowing that we had plans in the making, and this would happen just before things were confirmed on our part.
   It was getting to the point that DIL's parents were expecting them to spend all their holidays with them. DS said no to that one...that they needed to be able to spend their time to include planning their own activities.
   We have no problem with gift giving. With these people, it is excessive. They have the means, but are by no means unusually wealthy. In the early years, we felt almost embarrassed with our tokens, as theirs would be ten times grander. We decided it was not a competition, and that we would not be intimidated into giving beyond what we had chosen to spend.
   These are fine upstanding people in their church, community, and state.
It appears to us, that they need that public persona. The mom, we think ,is especially insecure, and DIL has grown up being taught to "perform", public image being very important.
   DH have talked much about this. So these people have a bigger business, bigger home,buy huger gifts, go on more exotic holidays, have more social gatherings that's all fine. We need to be careful not to get drawn into competition. e.g. when DIL's mom talked about the gift buying for her daughter, I should have avoided that topic. I learned from that one. When these things dominate relationship and involve criticism and humiliating others, that is sad.
   The withdrawing we know about all too well too.
   CBalser, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sad your kids have this pressure from DIL's parents. It sounds to me like you are a safe place for the kids not having to perform, and seeing that a different way is possible, will hopefully encourage your DIL to be confidant enough to make positive decisions.