Author Topic: Censoring e-mails???  (Read 11570 times)

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Mama Tani

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Censoring e-mails???
« on: March 04, 2011, 10:16:04 PM »
Ladies, I found out my DIL censors my son's e-mails.  She decides what she wants him to read or not read.  (before anyone says anything...I have NOT talked about her, tried to coerce him to turn against her, or anything else)  Do you think a wife should keep messages from a mother to her adult son? 

Let me start from the beginning.  I asked my DIL to pass a "love" message to my Grandbaby.  I was informed that she "would not."  So, I very nicely wrote a note to my son (how's things going stuff) and at the end simply stated "give Grandbaby a kiss from her grandma."  DIL erased it b/c she doesn't believe in passing on messages (my GD is only 18 months old).  So, I don't want to be too sensitive....give me your opinions ???  Both DILs and MILs.... 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2011, 10:30:46 PM »
My take: I don't think it's any of your business. It's some kind of a power struggle between them and your son needs to discover it and handle it on his own...(or not.) You tried to get something past her that she had refused and she stopped you. Not wise to my way of thinking. Huge battles can come from something this simple. She's making up the rules unilaterally. That's your son's issue. She said no to you. Your job was to say..."O.K."
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Scoop

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2011, 04:01:13 AM »
First off, how do you know she deleted it?  Was this on facebook?

Next, I can sort of see where she's coming from.  An 18 m/o baby is not going to understand that 'this' kiss is from Gma. It wouldn't hurt her to humour you but if she's very literal minded she won't do anything she considers irrational.

I wouldn't take it personnally, it's not that she doesn't want to pass on the love, it's that she doesn't think that this is an effective way of doing it.

Offline Pen

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2011, 06:57:59 AM »
MT, I feel your frustration. My SM does the same thing with emails to my DF (he's not on his own account, computer illiterate), letters, packages, and phone calls. She's made it clear from day one of their marriage that his kids were out and hers were in. He wasn't "allowed" to invite us out to dinner w/o her, so he'd tell us to be quiet about it. Sneaking around w/your own DF - kinda weird.

I think your DIL is doing a major power play, and unfortunately the only thing you can do is hope DS finds out somehow (if you blatantly tell him & DIL finds out you'll be cut off for sure) and that he steps up to demand uncensored access to his FOO. He needs his own account. It's hard to believe a young person these days uses his wife's email address and vice versa. He can get a free one easily that she can't access. (There's no hope for my DF, he's just not interested in learning how to email.)

I do take it personally when I'm treated that way by SM, and probably would if DIL screened DS's messages. In a free society that is not OK. And I don't think the effectiveness or ineffectiveness of passing on a hug or a kiss has anything to do with your DIL's refusal, I think she finds it distasteful to deal with you at all. Sorry to sound so harsh, but that's MHO. People say "give so-and-so a hug from me" all the time. It's a thing; most of us just say OK will do, whether we actually do or not, or whether or not we think it's "effective." We say OK to be polite to the giver, not necessarily the recipient.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Faithlooksup

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2011, 07:22:29 AM »
Ladies, I found out my DIL censors my son's e-mails.  She decides what she wants him to read or not read.  (before anyone says anything...I have NOT talked about her, tried to coerce him to turn against her, or anything else)  Do you think a wife should keep messages from a mother to her adult son? 

Let me start from the beginning.  I asked my DIL to pass a "love" message to my Grandbaby.  I was informed that she "would not."  So, I very nicely wrote a note to my son (how's things going stuff) and at the end simply stated "give Grandbaby a kiss from her grandma."  DIL erased it b/c she doesn't believe in passing on messages (my GD is only 18 months old).  So, I don't want to be too sensitive....give me your opinions ???  Both DILs and MILs....
Hello,   I guess I have a different opinion on this.......In all do respect and in MHO I just dont think or feel your DIL has the right to censor nor delete emails you send to your son...  I am an MIL and if I sent my son an email and found out my DIL was deleting them~~~I would contact him and gently tell him about this.....for he does have the right to your emails and he may NOT be aware that this is taking place......Hopefully, he may then ask his wife why she is doing this...
If she chooses to take offense to this--then that is her problem for her colors of guilt are showing.

I, on the other hand when my GC's were young and I would either talk with my DIL or DS on the phone before hanging up, i would also add-----give so and so a hug and kiss for me...That is just a Grandparent thing, its sending love thats all it is...and there is not a  darn thing wrong with that...

Wishing you the best...

Offline Rose799

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2011, 07:28:17 AM »
Last year, I knew we wouldn't see gs on the day of his 4th b-day, so I e-mailed him an e-card from gm & gp.  Two weeks later, the site sent me a notice, stating that it had never been opened.  Dd always opened them prior.   I don't know that I will send him another; it really hurt.  Once bitten twice shy...

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2011, 07:43:18 AM »
Hi Tani
I agree with Scoop , that it wouldn't hurt to humour you by passing on your love .
I've  no idea why she wouldn't want to do this , I send my GD hugs all the time ,it just lets my DIL know that I'm thinking of my GD.
Re emails ....my DS told his partner everything I sent him anyway .Did she erase the whole message or just the ending ? why would she want to hide this message ? I don't think she should erase anyone's emails .I would be mad if some one did that to my mail .
why don't you ask her ? One of the bugbears for my future DIL was the fact I went to DS with any
problems I had re GD or her .So now I go to her ,she can't complain it's what she wanted .
If he didn't want her to see his emails he would have a password in place anyway.
If she doesn't believe in passing on messages send one addressed to your GD......!

It's a learning curve I'm afraid ,we don't know which way it curves till we get it wrong !

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2011, 10:29:43 AM »
"It's a learning curve I'm afraid we don't know which way it curves till we get it wrong!" T

There's a one-liner I'm going to hang onto in my personal life. (For instance, in thinking about moving from my IBM compatible Dell to a Mac Mini.)
« Last Edit: March 05, 2011, 11:36:58 AM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2011, 10:54:30 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D

LaurieS

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2011, 05:01:43 PM »
I too have to ask.. how is it known for a fact that part of the message was deleted?  Also.. doesn't anyone use a phone any more.. if I felt that my messages were being altered, deleted etc I would be making all my correspondences via the telephone... let her delete that :)

Offline Pen

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2011, 06:58:47 PM »
The phone poses its own set of problems, at least in my sitch with my DF. When I call him, SM immediately gets on the line too. Talk about a "freaky three-way." She's been known to erase the answering machine as well, or to claim DF isn't home. It's as if he's being held prisoner. I'll bet SM has been difficult as both a DIL & a MIL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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LaurieS

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2011, 09:16:33 PM »
Pen didn't you say that this is a highly educated woman?  Isn't she a psychologist?  I really can't even imagine people being like that, it's just so foreign to me.  I don't know what you would do if someone edits or monitors all the emails, messages, telephone calls and probably personal meetings. You've said that your father has had to almost sneak to spend time with you... is he happy in his marriage?  Surely if he is sneaking about, then he realizes that this isn't a healthy relationship.  I honestly just don't get it.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2011, 02:48:40 AM »
as my Pop got older , living with my mother , his favourite saying was '' Anything for a quiet life ''.
Perhaps Pens dear old Pop has this in mind when he gives in to his domineering DW .!
Seems to me she thinks you are discussing her in your conversations .Some women can't bear to share
their menfolk with anyone .
If she is a psychologist she must see the insecurities in her actions .
People will always remain a mystery ,why they do what they do .!

Mariatobe

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2011, 04:17:14 AM »
Deleting your emails are a symptom of a much greater problem.  Solve the original problem, then maybe things will get better.  I'm not saying her getting into DS's email is a good thing, but she sounds very angry over something and can guess it has NOTHING to do with emails.  Quit worrying about the emails and focus on the problem.

LaurieS

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Re: Censoring e-mails???
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2011, 06:28:25 AM »
I agree Maria... the emails etc are just a symptom of a much greater problem.  But unlike a swollen toe, this one could suggest so many different reasons, or worse a combination of reasons and none that can be easily corrected.  Insecurities would be my first guess, but especially someone like Pen's SM I see no way of changing any of their behavior by modifying what you are doing.  But since it seems like insecurities are the root to most of the problems that we see here, has that almost become a catch basin for all of life's relationship problems?

Since we can not change someone's way of looking at life in general,  in this case I think I would turn to a form of communication with the ds that can not be altered, or purged from existence. If someone is that hell bent on stopping all communication and the ds chooses to allow it when it has become blatantly obvious then I think I would have to accept that this has also become their own view towards communication with you and they are possibly hiding behind the person that is willing to attach their name to the actions.