Author Topic: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend  (Read 3742 times)

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MotherOf3

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Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« on: March 03, 2011, 07:41:56 AM »
My eldest daughter, turning 30 in a few months, has recently started dating someone that she's known for a few years.  I met him once, seemed very polite, and I'm very bad with judging a person's age but I would have said close to 40.  When she first started talking about him she told me things that indicated that he was coming on VERY strong right out the gate (my first thought was that he was a player and telling her exactly what she wanted to hear) and I cautioned her to take it slow.

Just yesterday she said that he has 4 children, the youngest is 16, and a grandchild.  That was quite a surprise!  I'm only 47 so he's probably around my age, at least. I was curious so I looked at his Facebook profile as he is a friend of her's.  It says his relationship status is Married.  Huh?!?!?

I almost texted my daughter and asked about it but, is it my place to do that?  It could be that he was married but never changed it on FB but, wouldn't a single guy make sure that was changed?  She's really bowled over by him, more than I've ever seen her, and frankly that kind of worries me. 

LaurieS

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2011, 07:55:46 AM »
No, it's not your place to ask.. but saying that I'd ask anyway, because that I how I am :)

Offline Pooh

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2011, 07:59:38 AM »
Bless your heart Mof3.  We never get over worrying about them do we?  When I was going through my divorce, I left my status as Married until my divorce was final, because in my heart, legally and morally I was still married.  So my status remained Married for months after he was gone.  You could also be right that he just never changed it, because some men just don't pay attention to their setting after they initially set it up.

In answer to your question, IMO, I don't think you should text her and ask her.  Since you have a good relationship with her, and she shares with you about him, I would wait.  I would think that if you ask her, then she could accuse you of snooping, and....she would be right! (Not that I wouldn't have done the same thing  ;D).  She is an adult, and if he is married, then she knows it already because I am sure she noticed his status too.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Faithlooksup

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2011, 09:16:24 AM »
Hello Motherof3 and Welcome!!!!   Without a doubt this is a sticky one......I can truly understand your worries and feel the same.....

Knowing myself and that this is my child I would have to somehow vaguelly bring it up...Even tho, yes, she is almost 30 and has to learn on her own...I would still have to say something or ask a question out of the blue when she is talking about him...for example just ask "how long has he been divorsed?"  But do not mention that you checked him out on FB.....and with what ever your daughter tells you--you are just going to have to take it at face value....for you do not want to cause any problems at all.....For we all remember~~"Love can be blind."

Let us know how this continues...wishing you the best...Faith

MotherOf3

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2011, 09:19:09 AM »
I decided to not say anything.  I don't want to be a meddling mother and she's an adult who has lived on her own for a decade so she doesn't need mama interfering in her business.

Curiosity will be nibbling at the back on my mind though.  ::)

MotherOf3

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2011, 09:24:22 AM »
IF it comes up naturally while talking to her then, yeah... "how long has he been divorced?" is a reasonable question or, "does he have any ongoing issues with his ex-wife?  They get along well with the children?"

Faithlooksup

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2011, 10:17:08 AM »
That sounds good for I know you need to find some peace with this--for I certainly would.......

This does bring up a memory,  after several years of being divorsed I did meet a man whom was  10 years older than I was.  He came right out and told me that he was divorsed--we talked about our children etc....I really enjoyed this man, after about a month down the road, intuition started kicking in, I began to see a pattern with his visits and calls~~I then wish someone would of said to me "YOOOO he's married, but no one did~~except for the evening his wife showed up at my door, instead of him.....We had a few words and I told her: "Excuse me~~go take this out
on your cheating husband whom lies and states he is divorsed."   And I slammed the door...end of story.
He called me two days later and I told him--if you call me again I will call your wife about this and hung up........never heard from him again....Amen.

Unfortunately they are out there learking everyday for a new adventure~~and you just never know...I learned and I am glad I did.

Wishing you the Best.

AnonymousDIL

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2011, 10:43:08 AM »
Disclaimer: DO NOT DO THIS lol

Post on his Facebook. "You're married?! I thought you were dating my daughter." LOL

Once again, don't do that lol

That is a tough position. Considering that your daughter has known him for years, it is a pretty safe bet that she knows if he is in the midst of a divorce with his status still saying "married." I hope for her sake that he IS and not just cheating on his wife and telling your daughter what she wants to hear..... Does his wife have a FB? What does hers say?

holliberri

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2011, 10:54:36 AM »
ADil,

I can totally see why you have a hard time staying away from your MIL's FB photos.  ;)

I'd take the "head in sand" approach to this as far as it could get me...until I was directly asked by my DD about his marriage status.

seasage

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2011, 10:55:11 AM »
My eldest daughter, turning 30 in a few months, has recently started dating someone that she's known for a few years.  I met him once, seemed very polite, and I'm very bad with judging a person's age but I would have said close to 40.  When she first started talking about him she told me things that indicated that he was coming on VERY strong right out the gate (my first thought was that he was a player and telling her exactly what she wanted to hear) and I cautioned her to take it slow.

Just yesterday she said that he has 4 children, the youngest is 16, and a grandchild.  That was quite a surprise!

If my daughter - approximately same age as yours - ever says those things to me I am not going to sit in the bush. 

I am going to ask her straight out: is he still married?  If the answer is yes, I am going to tell her to value herself more than she currently is and get out of that relationship.  (A man who cheats on his wife now will probably cheat on her later.)  If the answer is no, I am going to warn her that unless he has been divorced for at least a year, he is not yet ready for a permanent relationship and that she should consider herself his bridge to the next permanent woman in his life.

After my first husband left me for another woman, my father told me he had never liked my choice, and he did not trust the man, but decided not to say anything to me.  I will tell you from experience that I wish he had voiced his opinion before I married.


seasage

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2011, 11:02:57 AM »
I will also tell her that his children will never accept her, because she is too close to their age, and will oppose any permanent relationship with this man.

seasage

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2011, 11:08:23 AM »
And you might as well give this man my email, because I have a lot to say to him also!!!

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2011, 11:31:08 AM »
Hello motherof3:

From another mother of 3 !
My daughter is 28 ...and I would certainly ask her if she knew what she was doing .
We have a close relationship and I would rather face her wrath than see her wreck her life !
which if he is still married she would certainly do .
I would ask her now before she becomes too fond of him and gets too attached .
Not to mention what her DF would do .....

Other families might approach this differently ,but this would be our approach ,rightly or wrongly .

Offline Rose799

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2011, 11:36:28 AM »
And you might as well give this man my email, because I have a lot to say to him also!!!

Ah Seasage, I wish I was built like you!    :) :) :) :) :)

Offline Rose799

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Re: Concerned about DDs new boyfriend
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2011, 11:49:09 AM »
Other families might approach this differently ,but this would be our approach ,rightly or wrongly .

Dh & I took that approach when dd moved in with a co-worker at age 22.  I felt she should be warned, so I tried talking to her - and I faced her wrath.  She moved in with him & about a year later, we learned he was an alcoholic, after he'd left.  Two days later, he was trying to make amends.  I told dh he needed to step up.  Boy did he!  He gave dd an ultimatum, either him or us.  As you said, LL, it was a matter of dd wrecking her life.  Thankfully, she chose us. But we suffered the consequences.  Dd dated sil about 2 years.  We saw him 2-3 times before announcing their engagement.  Of course, df would never do such a thing, had dm not put him up to it.  Still, I wish I was built more like Seasage!  This walking egg shells stuff is for the birds!