Author Topic: Acceptance  (Read 4689 times)

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irenic

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Acceptance
« on: March 02, 2011, 02:46:35 PM »
How can one stand the disconnection?  I try so hard, then this month is the date of my fathers birthday, mother's birthday, father's death date mother's death date. 

I bought a card today to send to my daughter, I tried callling her yesterday, she had another person answer her
phone and hung up on me.  Hurt, on man it hurt, but again I set myself up for it.

Some days I hang in and then months like this it is so hurtful, she and I were so close to my mother and father.

I am trying to stay busy, but I miss her and my grandkids so much.  How can someone continue to take the
abuse of a horrible, nasty, spiteful, evil daughter, and I don't say that lightly, she is unbelievable.  Does anyone else
have a daughter that dishes out such horrible things and then says she no longer has a mother, I am dead to her.

I was her best friend, I have found a plaque she had done and signed by the Mayor, she is his assistant, saying how
wonderful I was and how dedicated I was to my family, how can this be that I don't exist now?Report to moderator    71.228.153.164
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Tara

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2011, 03:50:43 PM »
I'm sorry your daughter is being so difficult, it really can be painful, I know, I have suffered terribly in relation to my son.
He is 46 now.  I think the worse years are behind me but still difficult.  In earlier years I still had hopes he would change.
(I must say occassionally I still have wishful thinking).

If she is hanging up on you probably best to seriously back off. 

take good care of yourself this month.  These anniversary dates stir up alot of grief.



L

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2011, 05:50:09 PM »
I can relate to your pain as my adult daughter (she's almost 31) and I were very close at one time, now she won't speak to me.  Also, like you, my daughter and I were both close to my parents. it was my parents, she and I who lived together for years after I left her dad when she was a year old and I was only 18 when I gave birth to her, but now she told me soon after this Christmas that I would have to change to have a relationship with her and I haven't heard since from her.  I did nothing to deserve it...she is unbalanced I guess. :-\   My parents both died within the last two years so It's very hard for me.  My dad spoiled her to death and in hindsight I never should have lived with my parents after break up with ex.  I just wanted her to live in a decent house/neighborhood for good schools, etc.  When I remarried she came with me of course but then when she would get mad she would run to my parents and they would spoil her and let her be disrespectful towards me..hence beginning of problems.  So I do blame them some for the way she turned out (mean and disrespectful towards me, my husband and she totally ignores her brother who has a disability like he does not exist!! How mean can one be, right?!) Her brother's birthday is today and she can't even call him or send card.) That is what makes me the maddest. >:(  I hate her for that!  My daughter's birthday is Friday and I am seriously considering ignoring it...I was going to send a text but I'm fed up.  I just think that even if it's your child we shouldn't put up with the abuse...I read earlier on a post here that hit me today...it was something to the effect that noone, not even our own children, have the right to take our happiness from us and believe me our adult daughters know exactly that they are breaking our hearts...so why should we continue to let them?  It has to be a personal decision, but I am feeling today at least like it's just not worth it anymore.  I love my daughter but I think they think they can treat us like this and we will always be there..that's wrong.  I think I'm leaning towards not sending my daughter a b'day card...maybe she will then realize how mad I am....or she may totally sever ties .  I don't know but I think maybe we are enabling our daughters to continue to be despicable.  I don't know....it's just awful.  I can see how it is even worse for you as you have grandkids involved.  My daughter doesn't have kids.  Sorry for your pain. :'( 

Offline jill

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2011, 07:35:30 PM »
Hi Irenic and L,
I am so sorry for your pain, I was feeling the same not long ago.  I think I am in the stage of acceptance that my family is dysfunctional and I will not have a normal relationship with my children.   It hurts very badly.  My odd and I are not totally estranged, we will see each other when she wants to on her terms, and I will walk on eggshells when I  am around her. 
It may not work for everyone but I have decided I will accept this, so she is controlling me, and she likes to be in control.  But she will only do this on the occasional times I see her.  The rest of the time I am in charge of my own life, and intend to make the best of it.  The alternative of not seeing her or my precious gd again is unbearable, so I will take the few crumbs she gives.

Offline Pen

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2011, 07:52:15 PM »
So sorry, Irenic, and all who are feeling the pain these issues cause. There are many different views and attitudes regarding dealing with them, and it helps to read others strategies. Sometimes I'm willing to walk on eggshells to stay connected with DS, sometimes I feel like moving on. It's really hard, but I do sense that progress is being made by all of us, even if it's in small steps. Know we're always here for you, no matter what stage you're in. Please take care.

Jill, reaching the stage of acceptance is major! I'm not quite there yet, but that's my goal.

L, it sounds like you're reaching your limit & ready to move along. Again, I'm heading there but not quite ready. One day.

I'm so glad we have this site for support on this journey. You guys are amazing.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

L

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2011, 08:03:47 PM »
Thanks.  ;) I hear ya.  I know I will never have a normal relationship with my daughter either...she is to messed up.  I don't even know if we will even have a relationship PERIOD any more the way she is acting towards me., and I am just worn out at wits end and won't kiss her behind any more; I just can't disrespect myself that way any more.  I understand why you would not want to lose your grandkids and so you put up with it so you won't lose them.  I completely get what you mean about the eggshells....when my daughter was around it was always so nerve wracking not knowing when she would blow up (which was always) and she is soooo demanding (Miss Diva/high maintenance type).  It was really exhausting every time she was around us.  To be honest, I love her because she is my daughter but do not like her at all any more. :-\  Right now I feel I could accept not seeing her again because I feel completely drained and fed up with her ways, but next month you never know., I may miss her who knows. :-\  It's a hard road.  Take care of you. :) 

L

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2011, 08:09:55 PM »
Hi Pen, thanks for support.  Well I feel tonight strong...but who knows, tomorow I may be different.,  I guess it's like grieving the dead...  Sometimes you are o.k and other days you lose it breaking down crying and feeling empty and alone.  If I didn't have this sight I would be not dealing as well.  I love to read on here, and the women are so supportive and wise. ;)   

Offline jill

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2011, 08:14:03 PM »
L,
Personally I found her continuous screaming at me on the phone, and my ending up crying, and my expecting to have a normal relationship with her was just too draining.  Now I have accepted that I cannot, and just seeing her once in a while is okay, what bother me the most is not seeing my gd, and the fear that my odd will turn her against me.   My odd has the temperament of her father (my ex-husband), everyone has to do as she says and she knows best. 
My kids and grandkids are the only family I have, so I still want them in my life, even if it is only occasionally....Jill

L

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2011, 08:30:23 PM »
I know what you mean because I loved my mom and dad and we were close, but I am not close at all to my brothers and sister...we don't talk...my sister is borderline schizophrenic so I don't want to talk to her even though she calls once in a while!  She's nutty as a fruitcake and spiteful.  I have no other family but my husband and kids.  As far as your granddaughter and you worrying about odd turning her against you...we can't control others...all you can do is love granddaughter and I guess since she won't let you see her much from what I understand, send her lots of loving cards/gifts in mail maybe to send love in between visits?  Getting late, gotta run..check ya later... :)       

Offline Pooh

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2011, 05:59:21 AM »
So sorry to read Irenic that your relationship with her has not improved.  Please take care of yourself.

I am like jill in that I love my OS, but I don't like the person he has become.  I am not in the same situation as many of you, as he has never screamed or yelled at me, or even so much as hung up the phone on me, we just don't talk period anymore.  There was no big fight or showdown, just withdrawal.  But I can empathize with the feelings of when they were visiting, it was not enjoyable.  I was always trying to not say the wrong thing to DIL and it was very uncomfortable.  When we would cut up and act normal with OS, DIL would glare daggers or sit there frowning at us.  When they left, it was a mixed bag of emotions, because I was glad I got to see him, but relieved when they left because the tension melted away as soon as they stepped out the door.  It took me a while to realize that not seeing him hurts less than seeing him and being stressed the entire time and hurt when he left because I caught glimpses of the boy I knew while he was there, but also saw the changes in him when she would say something.  I was more depressed for several days after a visit because I would replay the entire visit in my head, over and over, trying to validate that I didn't say anything wrong, trying to understand why he put up with it, trying to understand what had happened....trying, trying, why, why, why....and driving myself bonkers.

So I finally accepted that is was what it was and it was his choice.  I finally decided I was tired of driving myself mad with worry and fret.  I finally realized that I could have my memories of who he was and our good times, but that was what they were, the past.  I didn't have to like who he was now and I didn't have to cater to it.  The only person that can change him now, is him.  My days of correcting his bad behavior are over.  All I can do is not allow it to rule my life and hope that someday, things are different.  Once I did this, I have been a much happier person.  I have a wonderful DH, a great job, great friends and I am blessed with many things in my life.  I remembered the old saying my grandmother used to use, "You don't throw out the entire bushel of apples, just because one of them is spoiled."

But I do understand also, putting up with someones antics because of the GK.  Acceptance comes in many forms.  Acceptance can be like mine, where I don't try to have relationship with him any longer.  Or Acceptance can be that you realize they are that way, and you work with it, without any expectations of them changing.  But whatever acceptance form you choose, and for whatever reason, the bottom line is....you can't let it affect you so that you forget about the rest of the apples. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Faithlooksup

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2011, 06:57:07 AM »
Tara, L, Jill, Pen and Pooh,  I just had to drop on by to tell you How Proud of you I am!!!!!   I can see how you are growing, accepting the cards where they may fall and moving forward....However, I do know somedays are better that others~~but as long as we make a stance and stand by it--we will see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Personally, I no longer wanted to remain stagnant and wallowing around in my muddy waters--it was time to change ME, for we cannot change the other...We simply have to accept what is and move forward with what works for us.   My OS and I have not spoken in 10 years, nor have we seen one another...as I have mentioned in another post~he and I may walk down the same side of the street and I may NOT even recognise him, but I know my Heart would.  I have sent him NO cards, no gifts, no phone calls, ZERO, zip ladies and vise versa.....and that is where it will remain until he comes to me....You bet I have my days where I am sad.....but I have accepted the fact and needed for my own sake to move forward.

My YS found me the other day after almost 5 years of estrangement...We picked up where we left off and had fun together.........and now looking forward to some visits which will happen~~when its time...the ball is in his court.

I sometimes think their anger is displaced--BUT they have to find that out on their own--their own time, their own way...They now have to test their own waters to grow and learn by themselves---we are done teaching them.   Let them become whom they need to be...

Just Believe...Believe in yourself as the Special person whom you are...And Just Believe that someday you will meet again...

Hugs to all...Faith

Tara

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2011, 09:11:23 AM »
Thanks Faith,

I have an ideas for a discussion:  something about 'acceptance'  what it looks like for us, how we achieved it.
what we do and don't do.  I'm not sure how to word it.  Like for example, Luise explained tome recently the
version of her acceptance and letting go of one of her sons. 

Pen, I think you are right, that it can look very different for different people.


Faithlooksup

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2011, 09:26:27 AM »
Tara, This is an awesome idea to do~~~~ a great learning post as well...Just title it "Acceptance" or how ever you choose and begin it with words of advise and wisdom how have you accepted estrangement with your children/family etc.  How have you grown, how have you changed---this can be a very positive piece, shareing what we have done to help ourself deal with the pain and to carry on...  LOVE IT!!!!!

holliberri

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2011, 09:28:29 AM »
Tara,

I think you should do this. Describe what acceptance is for you (or if you're not there yet...what you envision it to be) and let it go from there. I think that'll start the ball and I'll bet we'll have a lot of thoughtful conversation...I think it would require a lot of introspection.

Offline Pen

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Re: DISCONNECTED
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2011, 09:45:46 AM »
Acceptance of my situation is one of the most difficult things for me to achieve in many areas of my life. I'd love to read others views so I can grow and progress. Great idea, Tara.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb