Author Topic: Things I naturally Do  (Read 3062 times)

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Offline Pooh

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Things I naturally Do
« on: March 02, 2011, 12:17:12 PM »
A couple of other topics made me realize that I probably do things that may give the wrong impression unintentionally.  So I have been thinking about this today, and how easily some of it could be misunderstood by my DIL thinking it is personally directed at her.  So I thought I would compose a list of things I could think of.  Much of it is due to how I was raised and some of it is just what I consider good manners and how I think about life.

I am not saying any of it is the right thing to do, just that I do it.  And none of them have anything to do with my DIL personally, but maybe she takes some of it personally.  It's things I do to everyone, but it got me thinking that maybe she thinks its personal. 

1.     I put leftovers in tupperware and then ask if anyone wants to take some home - I do this for a couple of reasons.  Because if I have company, I usually cook a bunch of stuff and me and DH will not eat it all before it spoils or gets thrown away.  I also do this because I love when I get sent home from my Mother's or MILs with leftovers and don't have to cook a meal, or have goodies to munch on. 

2.     When I get invited to someone's house, I bring something.  It varies depending on the occasion and who the people are.  It could be a dessert, a bottle of wine or some kind of yummy snack.  I do this because I was raised not to ever go empty-handed and because I want to show appreciation for the invite.

3.      When invited to a kid's birthday party and there are other small children (siblings), I bring them a gift.  The birthday person gets the better present, but the others get something.  I have always done this because I want to...Lol.

4.      If someone is putting together an event and invites me, I will ask if there is something I can do to help.  I don't do this because I think they can't manage it, I just like to help and contribute.

5.     I am a planner.  If I am planning an event, I would like to know if you are coming so I can have enough food and things for everyone, but not have a ton and no one show up.  If you have other plans, just tell me.  But if you are vague and maybe-ish, then I will probably call and ask for a definate before the event.  This is not done to bug you, just for my own benefit in planning.

6.     I believe in passing on special heirlooms in the manner in which it has always been done.  For example:  We have quilts that have been passed down to the women in our family for 4 generations.  I did not have a girl, so when I pass them next, it will be to my niece (the only girl in the family).  This is not a slight to my DIL, but she may be thinking that.  If I had a DIL that I truly got along with and loved with all my heart, my niece would still be getting them.

7.     When I buy a present for anyone, it is always with the intention that it would be something they would like or could use.  I put thought into items before I purchase it.  So if I give you something that you have no idea why I would buy you such a thing, I promise....I thought it would be a good present.  There is no hidden agenda and I could be very wrong.

8.      When I give advice, and many times unsolicited, it's not because I think I am better or that I know more.  It is simply me thinking I am being helpful and maybe a trick or two I have learned over the years.  I don't think you have to follow it, or agree with it, and it is something I am working on...but it slips out at times.

9.     When I am telling stories about my family, or about my Sons, it is because I want to share our history.  I am not trying to make you feel like I liked it better back then because you were not around, or trying to bore you.   


Ok, that's some of things I could think of...I am sure there are tons more.  Maybe our MILs and DILs here can post some of the things they do that they can think of, that could be taken personally but isn't meant to be.  And I know we are all here because we have an issue with a person, and I am not talking about the things we KNOW they do on purpose, or things that they take personally because everything is personal with them, but maybe some of the things we know we do and our true intentions behind them?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2011, 12:41:43 PM »
Food for thought. Thanks.

I think when I was misunderstood by my elder DS and DIL that it probably wouldn't have mattered what I did or said. Exception would have been taken without exception. The other side of the coin is that my younger DS and DIL don't take exception over anything. I don't think that was/is about me at all.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2011, 12:54:06 PM »
No, I think you are totally right.  I am like that.  It really is hard to get me riled up because I don't take many things personally.  And we can't change how people are, and some are going to get upset by anything we do and we are never going to fix them.  But I like to take a look at myself in the mirror sometimes and work on things about myself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2011, 01:01:45 PM »
Good idea, Pooh! Oh, this should be pretty easy for me:

1.) I clam up on Skype. It's not intentional, but I just find the conversation flow easier through Instant Message/Phone conversations. I feel like they actually allow me to be more open b/c I am in the privacy of my own home, normally in PJs or sweats. People that catch me like this get a much better version of me than they do on a Skype phone call.

2.) I have dolls that were bought for my DD in my own personal curio cabinet. I know they're not mine, but I broke all my dolls when I was younger and I'm disappointed that I didn't take care of them and can't pass them on to her. I'd like DD to have her porcelain dolls as keepsakes, not toys.

3.) I scheduled our class reunion for Thanksgiving weekend b/c that's the tradition at our school; it really wasn't to conveniently throw a monkeywrench into possible family holidays...it's just the weekend our school has always done it, so people expect it and plan for it in advance. We get a better turn out that way. (I'd LOVE to have it on any weekend but that, but I'm not sure there would be a reunion at all, otherwise). Besides...it's only once every 10 years.

4.) I don't invite my family around when I'm with my ILs. Our family time with the ILs is their time. This has made me appear to be really selective at times, and it has also sometimes lead to my ILs feeling unwelcomed by my family. I wouldn't care if my ILs came to my family events, though. I just think they see so little of us that they need all of the attention when we happen to be with them, so I'm not dragging my family along; I'm not really trying to just keep the two families apart.

5.) I post pics and make announcements on FB before I show anyone else (even DH). It's become part of my identity, it's nothing personal. If DH minded, I would change, but since he beat me to the status update with the announcement of DD's arrival, I don't think he minds. I don't think any other person is entitled to hear that information first besides him. I post my status, then make the phone call rounds. If there's something especially important that I'm keeping to myself for a long time, I generally do tell family first, though: like when I got pregnant in the first place, or our adoption plans. Mark my words though, when we get a "gotcha" date, FB is the first place I'm going.

6.)  I try not to take home leftovers, I feel like I'm putting people out. I have NO idea why...now that I think about it. LOL. I might need to just adjust that.

7.) I don't help in the kitchen at other people's houses, but only b/c when they come to mine, I feel that cooking is my job to do. I stay out of their kitchen in hopes they'd stay out of mine (I've never had anyone coming into my kitchen trying to help though, so it's been good). I do, however, clear the table and do dishes, no matter where I'm at. If I was asked to help with food prep, I certainly wouldn't mind, though; I do love to cook.

8.) If something bad has happened, or someone is hurt, or one of my pets is hurt, that takes precedence over fun times. My responsibility comes first. It's not personal, and I'm not trying to throw a monkeywrench into things, but taking care of others in need is something I was taught early on. Things happen, we rearrange and readjust. Fortunately, this stuff doesn't happen often. I'm not intentionally trying to create problems, but sometimes they do happen, and no matter which relatives I was with, I'd change plans. My parents taught me that anything less was unacceptable. If there is help to be offered, you offer it. That, and, I'm a crazy ridiculous animal lover. I see where people think I'm putting others before them, but it's really more about me putting others before myself; I miss out on the fun times too.


holliberri

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2011, 01:18:25 PM »
No, I think you are totally right.  I am like that.  It really is hard to get me riled up because I don't take many things personally.  And we can't change how people are, and some are going to get upset by anything we do and we are never going to fix them.  But I like to take a look at myself in the mirror sometimes and work on things about myself.

I know this is all we can do...and I've tried to work on things that I can work on within myself...so I've been trying to invite my family around more. I also do Skype, just rather quietly. I'm not 100% on this stuff though (nor am I on the other things I'm changing)...so I find myself doing it one way to make peace and then another to stay who I am. It creates some inconsistency.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2011, 01:21:48 PM »
It truly does.  I do try to work on things about myself that I know I can improve.  But some things like morals, ethics and such are things I don't compromise.  I find that is when I clash with people more than anything.  I totally cut off a best friend of 12 years a few years back because she was cheating on her husband.  Her husband was a real SOB and it hurt her deeply when I told her I couldn't be friends with her.  I hated it, but I couldn't do it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2011, 01:26:04 PM »
I can't compromise my morals (#8 is just never changing). There's wiggle room on 1-7 (except for the class reunion this year, and hopefully 2021, but it's hard stepping out of that comfort zone of mine. I can do it in certain instances, but others, I'm stuck.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2011, 01:29:56 PM »
I find that I can be compromising if I do something that bugs you and you let me know.  Like the leftovers thing we both listed.  If you explain that it makes you feel awkward, I will not offer them to you again.  It doesn't mean I will not offer them to those there that like them, but I will respect that it makes you feel awkward.  I think you can be compromising without losing yourself on some things.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2011, 01:45:15 PM »
Eggshells...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2011, 01:21:44 AM »
Pooh ............I would love to come to your house anytime and have you round anytime ! You are soo homey and sound like a lovely genuine person and I would love you as a friend ......    why does every gesture have to have a second meaning? People should accept kind people  for who they are .....just nice !

Offline Pooh

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2011, 06:30:32 AM »
Thank you LL, I appreciate that.  I wish it was like that too.  No one looking for the hidden agenda, not having to sit there and watch everything you do or say because you are afraid someone will take it wrong....it's just sad.  My DH sends me texts all the time that could have a double meaning, depending on which way I want to take them.  I simply ask him what he meant by it and he tells me.  I don't get why other people can't.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2011, 09:34:10 AM »
Pooh

I am a born hostess.  I like to have people (especially family or close friendsy) visit and do my best to keep them happy, 

I also keep leftovers in tuppers and offer them to my visitors to take home.   Never had a problem with it. 

I also like to give meaningful things when choosing a gift.  I like to buy things for friends when I see something they might like...even if it is not a special ocassion. 

I hate to be kept waiting. 

My children make fun of me because I am an unbelievable distracted person.  They say that when I am saying something, I sometimes stop in the middle of the sentence.  Then they ask "what mom" and I answer ""what of what".  (lol)  My dad was  like that too.

I love to go shopping...dont do it often....because when I do....I spend every single cent I have.  In fact when my husband need to go to Costco....he rather goes without me....he says that he is terrified of taking me.  (I love Costco).

Love to go out with friends (have 3 very close ones).  Cant do it very often because I keep myself busy tutoring at home.  But my favorite places for enjoyment are Casinos.  Oh God....do I love slot machines and to play 21 (BlackJack) in tables.  I do control my gambling though.  If I have a chance to travel....I choose Vegas. 

I like to write a lot.  Have written poems...to my mom, to my grandchildren....and to all the important women who touched my life.
When I am sad or have a turmoil in my head...I like to write my feelings down in form of a letter....and then destroy it so that noone reads it.

I am a very readable person.  Some say that I am ïntense".  You know if I am happy, sad, angry, depressed.  It shows immediately.  Can help it!

Love you Pooh



Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pooh

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2011, 09:56:25 AM »
Hee hee Nana (ssshhhh....I'm a closet penny slot machine addict...lucky for me...casinos are illegal here!)

Love you too Nana!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2011, 10:04:32 AM »
Hi Pooh

The problem here is there are casinos all over the area.  Was an addict too...(in remission now)  I dont go as often now....but I will always love slotmachine. hihi

Bye
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Things I naturally Do
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2011, 11:09:18 AM »
I am a born guest, so hostesses love me.  ;D ;D ;D

And I have never gambled. I have also never tried heroine. Makes sense to me.  ;D ;D ;D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher