Author Topic: Difficult relationships:Grandchild  (Read 13642 times)

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mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #30 on: November 08, 2009, 11:55:36 AM »
Penstamen,

You are so right; I know it would have to be hard to not be accepted into your DH's family and to feel like an outcast but the loss is much greater for a Mother ( her son ) and there is no closure. Our sons are still here but where? and how do we reach them? No one could have ever made me believe this could of happened in our family but here we are. I do wish there was an answer.

I know we can't cheat ourselves out of life but it sure is a lonely one.

Chickiebaby,
Try very hard not to let them know if and when they hurt you because that gives them satisfaction. I have cried myself to sleep many nights but they never knew.

I have noticed that lately I have said "they" instead of her; it's not all her fault, my son knows what he's doing and it's time I accept that.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #31 on: November 08, 2009, 12:35:40 PM »
You're right, Mom...that is the worst part.  Our sons are accepting this. No one could have made ME ever believe that we would be caught up in this horrible thing but we are.  "Your Mom and Dad are the best on earth" is what their friends used to say.

I can tell you, though, he was pushed ever so slowly into seeing us in another way.  There's no doubt in my mind about that.  That's what eats me up inside.  I don't know how she sleeps at night but she wants control and that's what she has, in spades. 

She controls me, my life, my heart, my everything. Congratulations, DIL. (let me re-name that term, "PEDIC" Pure Evil Dressed in Clothes.

I struggled all my life with an abusive childhood, the loss of my Mother and trying to gain self-esteem by having a great business, all by myself.  I would give every bit of that up in a second if only I had had a family. PEDIC destroyed me. 

I have asked myself why I was ever born, that's how bad she makes me feel. I know that I have gone as far as I can by myself. None of this means anything to me.  I never needed control...why do others?  Why do some people have to control someone else? 

How do I act at Thanksgiving?  I am a naturally funny person who other people like to be around. She turns me on "mute".  I can't think of anything to say.  In fact, she loves it when I'm silent.  She gives me dirty looks if I'm my funny self. 

I guess I just play with the kids?  Her kids are very nice...they don't understand "funny", though.  I have an appt. for a counseling session on the 19th.  I just hope and pray it helps. Where do you begin with someone new?  Too much to tell. 

 

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #32 on: November 08, 2009, 02:24:26 PM »
Oh chickiebaby,
I think so much time has passed for us that I do feel like our son is to be faulted because he allows this, however, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our DIL was at the root of all evil. I remember one time when I lowered myself to go to her AGAIN  I said " Your goal was keep my son and grandkids away from me and you know what ? I should shake your hand because you did a very good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and I meant it too... she did an A rate job. Of course she denied it but I know exactly what she did. At least I did get the satisfaction of telling her off one good time. I used to like her but not now and our son, I do love him but don't like him anymore due to how he has allowed her to treat us and he has helped her out in doing it.

You know the part I have the hardest time with is how son can just worship her family..how can our sons do that knowing how badly their own mother and dad have been treated ??????? Don't they have any shame or guilt? I will never understand it.

Does counseling seem to help at all? Does your husband have any relationship with the son now? Has he ever tried talking to the son? just some things I am wondering..... Our son and his dad have 0% relationship now, I have never been to counseling and husband has told the son off on my behalf.




 

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #33 on: November 08, 2009, 02:31:54 PM »
Chickiebaby,

I was wondering if it is an option to not have Thanksgiving with them? Maybe if you decline they might see that you are tired of their behavior. That's what I had to do because our DIL honestly believed that no matter what she dished out, I had to take it because of who she is. I just can't.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #34 on: November 08, 2009, 02:56:38 PM »
Mom, I did go to counseling and the Psychiatrist told me that son did not love me. I can't tell you what those words did to me.  It was like death. I couldn't find my way out of his office and dropped my cell phone on the way out.

This will be my third attempt...I did go to someone else who was great.  She left what she was doing, though and went to work for a company doing whatever it is she's doing there.  She told me that because my Mother died so early that everytime someone I love hurts me, I go right back to where I was at 7 years old.  That same feeling.  It is true too.  Makes you not want to love anyone.

This one on the 19th is through our church.  They have people right out of college who are practicing and getting their licenses.  I guess it can't hurt....hope she's not a PEDIC.

I can't imagine a young woman understanding all this from a mother's point of view but I'm going to try.

As far as my husband talking to son...yes, he did at the beginning. Son cried and cried, torn to pieces.  PEDIC glared at my husband, with her arms folded...the first person on earth who has ever done that to him. Most people adore him. He is one of those admired people who others want to be like. 

As far as not going to Thanksgiving?  I think that would be like making us miss out on the only FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY, even though it's pretend that we have.  At least they'll come to our funeral, huh? 

That's another thing that psychiatrist said to us.  "they will be at your funeral.  They (our sons) will not want the community to know how they are"

Lord! What a blow!!

Both sons are different towards us. Close DIL, in her mansion, goes after monied people....just sickening.  I get along with everyone but I like just plain 'ol people the most.

Distant DIL is not like that, I'll give her that. She has some nice friends but they are not "let's talk about feelings people"

In fact, none of the people she knows are that way. JUST ME!!  I'm a feeling talker and I'm a toucher and hugger.   If we're talking about the weather, I'm gone, I'm out of there.  You have reached the bottom of the barrel if you have to resort to that.  But, maybe I can understand that she doesn't do that, wasn't raised that way. A Mutoid raised her. Puke city. I made that word up, can you tell?

The other DIL is more like me....talks about feelings. Maybe I should try to rehearse how to not talk about feelings.

Anyone want to bet I can do that?  Okay, I can't.  Why go on living if you can't talk about feelings?   

 




just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #35 on: November 08, 2009, 04:31:56 PM »
Chickie - I'm so glad you made that appt to see a counselor.  But I know how you feel about having so much to tell and usually the counselor only gives you 45 minutes per session.  Just take a deep breath and pace yourself.  Maybe even take some notes before you go or make a bullet list of topics you want to cover.  Having notes might help you better remember what all you want to say especially if you get emotional or flustered.

In fact, she loves it when I'm silent.  She gives me dirty looks if I'm my funny self. 

Do you really need to placate her? No way!  If she doesn't like it when you're being your self, then go for it and be funny and laugh away and enjoy those other relatives!  Who cares what she thinks.

 ;D Here's where my evil little self comes out, but I know that my MIL complains that I have too many shoes or purses.  So you know what I do just to show her that her criticism's of me don't affect me, I make sure that I wear different pair of shoes AND have a different purse every time I see her.  Okay I have to admit that it feels darn good too. ;D

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #36 on: November 08, 2009, 04:42:01 PM »
I love it J2b!!! Wear those perty shoes and purses.  For Heaven's sake! Why would anyone care what shoes you wore?  I don't get it. 

She must be looking for something to criticize you for...my gosh!

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #37 on: November 08, 2009, 07:43:58 PM »
J2B,

Are you serious?? shoes and purses? that's crazy !! If that was the only issue with my DIL then we wouldn't have any. I don't blame you and if I were you I'd take two pairs of shoes and change them while I was there!!




2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #38 on: November 08, 2009, 07:51:26 PM »
me too....I think I'd take 3 pair and 3 different purses.  I'd look her in the eye each time I emptied each purse and put on different shoes throughout the meal or time with them.

(I'm all talk,  no bite)  It would be fabulous to do, though

just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #39 on: November 08, 2009, 09:11:08 PM »
 :D  Those are really funny!  But that's exactly why  I do it. To show her no matter how much she disapproves of things we do like vacations or eating out, playing tennis while its hot, etc.  that I/we are still going to do them.  She tries to convince DH that vacations and eating out are too expensive and she actually tried to get him to not go play tennis b/c it was warm outside.  We were actually going to go at night.  I just think its a control issue.  She wants to have as much control over us as she can?  That's the only reason I can think of why she would try to influence what we do in our personal lives.  DH tries to be firm with her and tell her we're still going to do XYZ.  He's 40 years old, I just don't understand why she does this.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2009, 11:01:06 PM by just2baccepted »

Offline Pen

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #40 on: November 09, 2009, 05:10:22 PM »
Yes, I am.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #41 on: November 09, 2009, 06:19:17 PM »
Let me try to reply to you.  Did you get this?  This new site is awful!! 

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #42 on: November 09, 2009, 07:26:58 PM »
I was able to get on again....anyone get this???

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #43 on: November 09, 2009, 08:36:30 PM »
I checked in and I see it. Sending love and blessings, Luise
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #44 on: November 10, 2009, 05:40:37 AM »
I found your post, Anna.  I am trying to get used to this new site.  I have so many firewalls on my computer because of my business that I don't know if that's the reason I'm having so many problems or not.