Author Topic: Difficult relationships:Grandchild  (Read 13646 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #15 on: November 07, 2009, 12:59:02 PM »
Please help me....DIL said they were spending their time at her mom's and coming to the other DIL's for Thanksgiving and then back to her Mom's. I'm as low as I have ever been. We are not loved, we are not.  There is nowhere for me to turn.
 
My husband is so sick of this that he wants to just be rid of them.  He doesn't want to talk about this anymore or his days ruined. That we don't deserve this.

It leaves me with no one.  I asked the other DIL what she thought it was that they will not come here and she said it was control.  I can't take this.  I am not wanted.  I'm so mixed up because other people love me but I have no heart left.  When your kids don't love you, nothing else matters.

just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #16 on: November 07, 2009, 01:43:06 PM »
Please help me....DIL said they were spending their time at her mom's and coming to the other DIL's for Thanksgiving and then back to her Mom's. I'm as low as I have ever been. We are not loved, we are not.  There is nowhere for me to turn.
 
My husband is so sick of this that he wants to just be rid of them.  He doesn't want to talk about this anymore or his days ruined. That we don't deserve this.

It leaves me with no one.  I asked the other DIL what she thought it was that they will not come here and she said it was control.  I can't take this.  I am not wanted.  I'm so mixed up because other people love me but I have no heart left.  When your kids don't love you, nothing else matters.

Can you not just go ahead and go over to close DIL's house and spend Thanksgiving w./ them??  That way you can see your son and grandkids.

Also when you say that your DH is tired of hearing about this.  How long has it been this bad?  What i mean is that you said your son and DIL have been married for 16 years I believe?  Has all this been this bad the entire marriage or has it gotton gradually worse?  Was there an incident that occurred that you noticed a shift in behavior?  I'm been on this post since Aug and your issues with DIL seem to be just as bad today as then.  So I was just curious if they've always been this way and have you actually been under this kind of stress your son's entire marriage to this girl?

I'm sure to that your son loves you its just that he's under her control maybe?  I really don't know, or he's just tired of a tug of war maybe?  I know that's how my DH has decribed our situation.  And also were you planning on cooking TG @ your house and then they were just going to blow you off?  Could it be that they're planning on coming to your house for Christmas?  We used to go to my family for TG and then C-mas eve with his family.  Could it just be that?  Just trying to help.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2009, 01:56:07 PM by just2baccepted »

Offline Pen

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2009, 02:18:30 PM »

It leaves me with no one.  I asked the other DIL what she thought it was that they will not come here and she said it was control.  I can't take this.  I am not wanted.  I'm so mixed up because other people love me but I have no heart left.  When your kids don't love you, nothing else matters.

What can I say other than we're listening to you? Please take care of yourself during this time. Be gentle with your husband, too. My heart is breaking for you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2009, 02:41:33 PM »
To her moms, to Close Dil's and back to her moms ??

I don't understand it either.. why in the world would our sons allow these women to do this???  I am so sorry Chickiebaby!! Don't feel alone because I have been there/ done that !! Our son and DIL always wanted to meet at another family members home for holidays ( that is when they weren't having it at their house and we weren't invited ). Dil never wanted to come here and told other family members that she felt if we met at so and so's house, we would be on neutral ground !!! I stopped going because I felt like a dang intruder !!!!!!  for goodness sake...if it's so bad that we can't even come to each others homes, why even have it? ( speaking for myself )

I have been blue all day and I just don't get it. I am pretty much convinced that they hate us.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #19 on: November 07, 2009, 03:55:31 PM »
I want to answer all of you but I don't know how.  Distant DIL is going to close DIL's and not here at all.  I don't know of anyone but all of you who have these issues.  I am loved by others just not my own kids.  I could just die. 

Distant DIL has been a butch to me since the day they married, not before.  Her parents were for their marriage to begin with and then against it because they didn't marry on a certain day the MIL said to marry. God talks to her in a special way. Our son was so adored in the community that I guess the breakup embarrassed them. Their daughter was not as well known and I had never heard of her.   They came to the wedding but walked out in the middle of it. Horrible!  Stood up and walked out.

We stood by them forever.  Then, DIL turned only to her parents only, dragging son with her and treated us like dirt. We don't understand her and we don't fit in anywhere. I love my sons, both of them.  I don't wish this on my worst enemy. I don't know how son feels this long into it anymore. He's such a robot.

 CLose DIL is good to me in that she calls me and we are a part of their lives.  I'm glad for that but the whole thing has caused such a rift in our lives that I can't even begin to tell you.

I don't know what to do about Christmas. I don't know if I should even put up a tree.  Husband wants to cut them out of our lives and can't understand how I can go on longingly putting up with their disrespect.  I can't make him understand that I can't turn love off. 

That girl has destroyed my life, everything.  There's so much more to this....this seems so trite what I am saying but you can see it in both son's eyes..the love is no longer there for us and we gave everything to them. I loved my family who raised me so much that nothing could have made me stop, nothing. How can you stop loving your parents?   I can't get over this. 

How do I act at Thanksgiving over at close DIL's?  How do I behave?  I'm hated so what do I do? 

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #20 on: November 07, 2009, 06:07:32 PM »
Chickiebaby,

It is all so devastating that we really don't know what to say; I can't explain it to anyone, not really, because I don't know what the problem is, I just don't. Like you, we helped them, loved them, adored their child and nothing mattered...nothing. Of course, her family is wonderful ( and trust me, they aren't.)

Our son is so different now ( he is her ) and I can tell that he does not love us like he used to, not even close.  I love him and always will ( that is not the issue ) but I am so worn out with all this and feel like there is nothing left to say or do because it wouldn't matter anyway. I guess we can stay out of their lives, not call and leave them alone but to not love them isn't an option for a mother.

My husband says he doesn't care if they come around or not because they act like jerks; ( son and dad used to be so close ) sad isn't it?? it makes me sick.


2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #21 on: November 07, 2009, 06:25:41 PM »
That's it....if I could figure out where I belong in a family.  I can't find it.  He is her, completely.  His thought come right out of her mouth. It's horrible. Sickening. She is the single most sickening thing I've ever met. 

My husband is such a good man and deserves more than this. At least he deserves a wife who won't be devastated all the time. I can't help it.  I can't find where I belong. He was such a wonderful father. None better.  How can they both be so aloof toward us?  I don't understand.

None of us get it, none of us on this board get it.  This is life ending and life altering. I've either got to find a way to go on or something.  How can son live with himself with this woman?  I've tried everything with her. Nothing works.

I have friends whose daughters are wonderful to me. I don't get it. They love me, why can't she?  I don't know how to behave at Thanksgiving.  I can't stand this limbo I"m in. I've never had anyone treat me like this. My son's wife?  Are you kidding me?  That one?  If there was anyone else, I'd say, "boy, she's got a problem"  Oh my gosh, she is so strange and mean, mean, mean.  I don't know how to be mean back to her. I don't know how.  I am missing that gene.

just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #22 on: November 07, 2009, 07:06:57 PM »
I don't know what to do about Christmas. I don't know if I should even put up a tree

I went through that same thing, thinking of what's the point when our family is so fractured and I can't have kids.  But then I thought well my DH is here and we can still celebrate the holidays together.  Now b/c we go up to that historical town with the Christmas stuff going on I really look forward to Christmas now.  I have no kids to buy Christmas for so DH and I do the toys for tots program and that feels great to do that.  My great aunt works at a soup kitchen (volunteers)

So put that tree up girl!!  And maybe look into the toys for tots program. My DH is in the Air Force so we do it through them.  I think it helps to think of people in need when we're feeling so bad about life. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2009, 07:24:15 PM »
Thank you, J2b,  I'm sure we will put up the tree.  Honestly, if you could meet her....she's the weirdest thing I've ever met! 

I only wanted a family and we had one, the best ever. I know it was so hard for son to break away from this home.  Her religious demands, coming from her mother are like rules that just seem so hard to live with. Like God is some kind of magician or something.  Rules, rules, rules.

We are religious too, very. But we aren't legalistic. In other words, we know that man falls all the time no matter how hard he tries, he still falls.  There's no room in her life for that.  "okay, so your brother died, now this the will of God for you"  Just like, no crying, get over it. (this is all coming from her screwy mother)  I wish she had gotten another addiction than religion from her alcoholism.  Honestly, she makes me ashamed to belong to the same denomination as she does.

I don't know how to explain it.  They had gotten a new piece of furniture in their house and I said to her screwy Mother, "that's so pretty"

Her Mother said, "this is what God does for you when you do the right thing"

Really?  I thought He would walk beside me and keep me but I didn't know he was a Santa Claus.   

Okay, I'll put the tree up.  I'll do whatever I can.  Thanks for letting me go on and on.  It hurts so much.

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2009, 07:49:38 PM »
J2B is right...
Go on with your life ! We have to go on... I stopped doing much of anything for the holidays until I realized she (D
IL ) wasn't giving anything up for us and so I stopped cheating myself and my husband.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2009, 07:53:00 PM »
I know...you'd think after 16 years, I could.  They go on and have a great time.  I am just stuck and lost without a family.  She will never know what she did to me. I hope I never give her the pleasure of knowing. 

just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2009, 08:41:45 PM »
J2B is right...
Go on with your life ! We have to go on... I stopped doing much of anything for the holidays until I realized she (D
IL ) wasn't giving anything up for us and so I stopped cheating myself and my husband.

Yes! This is exactly how I feel as well.  You can't let someone literally steal your joy away from you.  Christmas is such a wonderful and joyful time of the year.  There's so many fun activities; carolling, Christmas plays and concerts(at church and even local schools), decorating, cooking, putting cute Christmas bows and bandannas on my dogs, looking at Christmas lights, baking goodies, parties and I could on on and on.  You pick and choose and enjoy yourself!

Chickie I have to be blunt if you don't' mind, but I really think you're way too much power to your DIL over your life and happiness.  I just wish I could change how you feel.  I know it must be awful but could you be giving this girl just too much power over your happiness.  you're giving her all the power.  I remember something my dad said to me when I was a kid, "you can't change how people act but you can change how you react to them."  I think that's so true.  I realize that its easier said than done but maybe you could try to work on how you react to DIL's slights to you.  I just can't imagine giving someone so much power over my emotional health like this.  I mean I do have moments when I feel upset about my MIL but I just can't let her disapproval of me ruin my life.  Life is short, be happy!
« Last Edit: November 07, 2009, 09:49:30 PM by just2baccepted »

Offline Pen

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2009, 09:03:52 PM »
I think the extra difficulty for MILs is that we feel we've lost someone. DILs may have a hard time, but it isn't anything like losing a parent/child relationship. We ache for them, not quite the same as when they were babies but the way moms do forever. We put our best years into raising our kids; in some cases it took our health and our financial resources, too. We know we need to move on, but we still don't know what to do about that aching, empty space.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #28 on: November 07, 2009, 09:48:18 PM »
I think the extra difficulty for MILs is that we feel we've lost someone. DILs may have a hard time, but it isn't anything like losing a parent/child relationship. We ache for them, not quite the same as when they were babies but the way moms do forever. We put our best years into raising our kids; in some cases it took our health and our financial resources, too. We know we need to move on, but we still don't know what to do about that aching, empty space.

I agree that the two don't compare and I know that I can't even begin to put myself in everyone shoes but I just hate to see someone in so much pain.  I know there's so much suffering in the world but it just makes me so sad.  I never realized until now how mothers feel about their adult sons. I always thought that once a child gets passed the cute stage then parents don't feel exactly the same but I was very wrong.   As my parents used to say when I'd have problems as a child, "if I could just wave a magic wand and everything would be okay." I wish I could do that for all of you.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #29 on: November 08, 2009, 04:46:52 AM »
Thank you, J2b, thank you to all of you, Penstamen, you said it and so did you, J2b, thank you.  I did wake up today, didn't want to but I did.