Author Topic: Difficult relationships:Grandchild  (Read 13665 times)

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Gransy

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Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« on: October 29, 2009, 07:58:57 PM »
My  daughter (30 yrs) has always be difficult to deal with. She only sees things her way and is bizare in many ways. No vaccines for the kids. No control of them. Says she can't control they 3 year old from climbing up on the fridge and other things like going out the front door. (I say how bout being there and telling her not to and telling her to get down from there. The 7 year old has to wash the 3 yr olds hair and help her get dressed etc. Neither flushes the toilet or washes their hands-neither does she. Now, the 7 year old talks to us Grandparents on the adult level with no respect for adults or us as her grandparents. Just last week we took the whole family for a weeks vacation and treated them all. Giving and giving. I attempted to discuss with my daughter that the 7 year old was sassy with us at times. Her response was ---I don't see anything wrong with what she's doing so I'm not going to say anything to her===If you see something wrong with it then you say something. To me she should correct them when she's acting that way but she doesn't. That's part of teaching them to respect. I grew up with respect for adults and would never even think of being sassy. This is the same 7 year old child who had to go to Friendship classes at school to make friends. My daughter has since decided to home school because the school is at fault because she doesn't pay attention or listen or conform to the teachers requests and other issues. She puts everything back on the teachers. During the vacation, my husband took the 7 and 3 year old for the whole day to the pool and arts and crafts and the 7 year old sat at the table in front of her parents and told my husband how he should have taken them to a different pool and should had done this and that another way instead. No gratitude. And yes, my daughter and husband said nothing to her--like you should be glad he took you. None of them thanked us when they left (as they never do for anything like birthdays and Christmas). We never get a Birthday card or wish let alone a gift. I did not bring her up like this. I feel my daughter is obstanant, selfish and thoughtless. She's my only child. Right now I am hating her and the 7 year old. I feel used and hurt. I have had to go see a counselor. What do you all think?

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2009, 08:41:47 PM »
Oh my gosh, Gransy,
I always thought if you had a daughter you'd never have problems.  I know that was way too wishful thinking. 

I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm sure you're caught in an awful trap.  Someone on this board, more qualified than I am can probably help you. 

It does sound like you're being used.  Someone in the family is going to need to be the boss and tell it like it is to all of them.  They're ruining your life and that's not at all fair.

It's so sad when a child is disrespectful. The problem that parents don't understand is the child will grow up and be disliked in society and it's all because the parents blamed someone else.   It's too bad when parents don't discipline because discipline is the way you ensure the child will grow up and not be hated in his/her future life.

I personally feel like your daughter is using you and your husband.  I am so sorry. I don't blame you for hating the 7 year old at all. That's exactly how others will feel about her when she grows up if this continues. 

I hope I've helped.  Wishing you blessings.

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2009, 08:19:18 AM »
Gransy,

I can fully see where you are coming from. My problems are with the DIL and son and he ( our son ) disrespected us as bad as she did. I had to basically cut them from our lives because they were a constant heartache to me and all I did was cry. Every time I tried to mend things I got slapped in the face again

It's hard for some people to understand how, we as mothers, could just cut them from our lives but after years of trying and getting no where, I don't see another option and it couldn't be healthy for anyone to hurt and be stressed out of your mind all time. I, of course, love my son with all my heart and that will never change but when I feel guilty and think maybe I did the wrong thing, I start to think of the fact that they didn't care how they treated us and they still don't.

We love them but I don't think it's good for us to think so little of ourselves ( talking about myself ) that we let them, kids or no kids, treat us that way.

I hope you can find some peace of mind with all this but in the meantime we are here to talk and support each other.  Blessings


2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2009, 08:38:30 AM »
Dear Mom2,
You said it perfectly and I hope Gramsy will take heart that so many of us are with her.   

AnnieB

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2009, 08:46:33 AM »
Wow, a difficult situation for a parent and grandparent, Gramsy!

It is perhaps a good thing the grandchildren have someone there who can offer them an alternative way to be -- children just follow what their parents do, but they will also absorb stuff from loving grandparents (maybe not now, but at least they'll know there are other ways to behave and be).

Hang in there! 

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2009, 09:09:35 AM »
Dear Gramsy,
You'll most likely be getting a number of different opinions on here. What does your heart say?  Are you being treated badly?  How does that make you feel? 

At some point, even when you can be a good influence on the grandchildren, you have to take yourself into account.  You're one of those hamsters on the wheel, always running and getting nowhere.

I am as much talking to myself than I am to you.  I need a good swift kick in the pants for allowing my DIL to walk all over us.  I'm trying to keep in tact the only family I have when I know good and well it's just a facade. 

This abuse of you and your husband has to stop.  I hope you do get counseling and I hope you can find the answer to this.  No one has the right to kick us around, even our kids.  People do what they are allowed to do to us.  Even me...I allow a woman who is so jealous to make me feel worthless.

It needs to stop.  Great success....I hope you will let us know how you are.

AnnieB

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2009, 10:17:45 AM »
Oh.... dear yes.,...

by "hang in there" I didn't mean stay.... that's just a phrase about life.  Sorry if it sounded like I was telling you to stay if you need to go!

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2009, 10:23:58 AM »
Chickiebaby,

Amen to that... I have also allowed a Jealous DIL make me feel like pond scum and I don't understand why because I know I was a good mom and a good grandma. Why do we do that ?

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2009, 12:48:40 PM »
Yep, we just keep on taking whatever we can get!  It's hard!

mom2

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2009, 12:55:28 PM »
Dear Anna.
My DIL is the same as yours.. it is in her head that I want to mother her children or take her place. My son does call me but never if she is around and he will even sneak by and see me if there is no chance she will find out.

I never bad mouth her to my son and he knows how much I love him and the grandchild. I don't think we can ever shut love off.

As I have said, I don't trust them enough to let them back into my life ( as far as a real relationship ) because I am afraid of it happening again ( like so many many times before ).

I admire your strength for not giving up and I wish I felt that way. It has been over 10 yrs and I guess I feel it is a lost cause. Maybe you can give me some tips on how you do it.?             Thanks

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2009, 01:14:37 PM »
None of us here ever dreamed we'd have to walk this lonely road.  I try so hard to keep it together but sometimes I just can't.

My husband said:  "he got married, that's what happened to him"

Getting married should never do this to a person!  Deliberately pointing out ever flaw a Mother has to a grown child should be a crime.  How dare her make him think he was not loved here! 

I hate to say this because I am a kind and loving person but I hope I live to see the day when her sons grow up and marry.  What a day that's going to be.  Those wives will not like her at all. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2009, 05:19:34 PM »
Anna,
I'm so glad your son at least calls you. That means a lot.  It is beyond sad that he has to sneak around to see you.  I am amazed that you don't say something.  I probably wouldn't either....might make it worse for everyone. My heart is broken for us. 

All of us have a long hard road to go but with each other, I think we can make it.  Just knowing we are not alone means a lot.  Heart to heart!!

just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2009, 07:56:31 PM »
Chickiebaby,

Amen to that... I have also allowed a Jealous DIL make me feel like pond scum and I don't understand why because I know I was a good mom and a good grandma. Why do we do that ?

I may not have children but I can say that I'm sure I would put up with this too just to get see my adult child once in awhile and the potential grandchildren.  Its a shame but its hard to think of what else can be done except sitting them down and asking what everyone could do to make the relationship better. I'm so sorry.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2009, 08:10:19 PM »
I know you would, J2b...you're so tender hearted that you can imagine.  I would do the same thing but it's way too much for the DIL for him to be with us alone.  It just won't happen. 

just2baccepted

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Re: Difficult relationships:Grandchild
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2009, 10:34:47 AM »
Thank you Chickie and Anna.  But that that last post from Anna I went wow part of that sounds like my MIL.  Anna your DIL will probably be a MIL like mine.  I've even thought to myself that I bet my MIL was a difficult DIL.  I asked my DH about this and he said he really didn't know b/c he rarely saw his dad's family.  They came over  a few times for holidays but that's it.  All I knew about FIL family was his mom was in a nursing home and I NEVER met her and NEVER heard my MIL or FIL talk about her.  And my FIL has two daughters and another son from another marriage.  I've met the son once and the daughter's I've NEVER met and even heard the IL's utter not a word about them or see pictures or anything.  It's like his family doesn't even exist.  But I've seen MIL's extended family plenty of times. Her mom has even come over to our house.  I see them probably about three times a year and DH see them probably 5 times a year.  MIL really pushes us hard to go down to see the her family.  That's very important to her.

And then Anna's comment about her DIL being the queen, my DH has said his mom acts like she's the queen bee.  I thought yea that's why she throws things and breaks them b/c if she feels her queen bee status is being threatened then glass goes a flying!  ::)  My FIL has been pretty rude to me as well but I have to say I do feel somewhat sorry for him b/c I'll bet MIL is hard to live with especially as she gets older and apparently she's struggled with depression ever since we moved further away.  Very sad.