Author Topic: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.  (Read 20652 times)

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overwhelmed123

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2011, 11:58:30 AM »

just a suggestion
If you send the son a valentine, include DIL

See, now that I get.  That is what makes more sense to me.  Send it to the couple to celebrate their love for one another, since the holiday is about "being in love" and all that crazy hallmark crap.  :)  I'm clearly only speaking for myself here, but I would think it would be weird to get a card from my dad that was only addressed to me on V-Day to tell me I was his valentine and happy valentine's day or whatever.  I would be really really uncomfortable.  Obviously I can't speak for strangers that I don't know, but I know my DH was uncomfortable with a LOT of stuff his mom was doing but felt like he would get "in trouble" for saying so for a long time.  He had this big time resentment for her building inside of him for yearsss before I came around.  Of course, you all seem sane...MIL does not.  So I'm sure there's a difference.

Offline Scoop

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2011, 12:23:59 PM »
Send Valentines to your little Grandkids!  Something cute with puppies or kittens on them.  My DD is always so sad after Christmas, because we don't get as much mail (we let her open the Christmas cards).   She especially LOVES getting mail with HER name on it.  My Mom always sends her cards and letters.

To me, I don't expect anyone other than DH to get me a card.  But I will worship the ground you walk on if you make my DD happy!

TIPS:

- If your GK can read, please print clearly.  It will be even MORE special if they don't have to ask Mom to read the words.

- You don't need a big huge gushy message, just a few words, preferable about the GK

- Each GK should get their own card.  If you're worried about them not all arriving at once, a quick note to Mom or Dad saying "Don't worry!  It's coming!" is appreciated.

- Add some stickers in the envelope

Offline JaneF

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2011, 01:01:32 PM »
Wow, lots of wisdom here today gals! I totally agree a man should stand by his wife, and my husband does...HOWEVER, if the wife is wrong and treats her husbands family badly or allows contact with only her FOO and his FOO is excluded unfairly, I think he should have a spine and say so. (unless his family is causing problems in any way of course). Husbands and wives are partners and the parents of both families need to understand that this relationship should be the most important (in my opinion anyway). That being said I also think all parties involved should try to get along for the sake of everyone...but I know sometimes that is impossible (if you knew some of the folks in my family AND my husbands you'd agree!) My valentine is my dear husband of course, but I have given my young grandchildren little tokens like a card and a small stuffed animal, or cute decorated socks and a bit of candy...but I do not give my adult children valentines. I should have said earlier in my post that the same goes for the wife having family that causes problems, better add that! Have a most glorious day ladies!

Offline Pooh

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #18 on: February 04, 2011, 01:02:16 PM »
I sent Valentines to my boys when they were growing up with candy (Just as I did Easter and Halloween).  I will send my SINGLE YS a funny valentine card, not mushy.  But I wouldn't dream of sending my OS one, even if we were talking.  I think that Valentine's should be between him and DIL and no longer belongs to me.  I would send my GD one, if I could (like Scoop said).

I do think a husbands place is with his wife.  But I don't think forsake was meant as "give up his family" just because he married.  Just as I wouldn't expect my DIL to give up hers because she said forsake.  I think if the DH's Mother or Father or brother or sister or friend.....anyone is treating his wife or children badly, then he should stand up for them.  But I also believe if DS's wife is treating his family badly, he should stand up for them.

I by no means put my DS in the middle.  He put himself there.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #19 on: February 04, 2011, 01:07:13 PM »
I sent Valentines to my boys when they were growing up with candy (Just as I did Easter and Halloween).  I will send my SINGLE YS a funny valentine card, not mushy.  But I wouldn't dream of sending my OS one, even if we were talking.  I think that Valentine's should be between him and DIL and no longer belongs to me.  I would send my GD one, if I could (like Scoop said).

I do think a husbands place is with his wife.  But I don't think forsake was meant as "give up his family" just because he married.  Just as I wouldn't expect my DIL to give up hers because she said forsake.  I think if the DH's Mother or Father or brother or sister or friend.....anyone is treating his wife or children badly, then he should stand up for them.  But I also believe if DS's wife is treating his family badly, he should stand up for them.

I by no means put my DS in the middle.  He put himself there.

Exactly.  I don't mean that forsake = gives up his family. 

Sure, if the wife is treating his family poorly he should not stand for it.

But to be honest,  I personally don't see much hope in ANY relationship where plain respect and kindness has to be demanded from another adult. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

overwhelmed123

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #20 on: February 04, 2011, 01:09:36 PM »
I by no means put my DS in the middle.  He put himself there.

I agree with that one, considering your situation.  But if there are other people trying to interfere or meddle in your marriage, or make a person try to feel bad about starting a life with their spouse, that person is the one in the wrong.  Not the wife for expecting their H to be on "their side."  You don't fall into the interfering category.  You fall into the "unlucky in getting a crap DIL category."

overwhelmed123

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #21 on: February 04, 2011, 01:10:14 PM »

But to be honest,  I personally don't see much hope in ANY relationship where plain respect and kindness has to be demanded from another adult.

Ain't that the truth!  Preach it!

Offline Pooh

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #22 on: February 04, 2011, 01:10:45 PM »
I agree with that.  I think that if the person in general is just a disrespectful person, then you are right.  But I do think that sometimes the person may not recognize it, or thought it was Ok because that is how they were raised, so a conversation could make it better...if the other person is willing to listen.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #23 on: February 04, 2011, 01:15:42 PM »
I agree with that.  I think that if the person in general is just a disrespectful person, then you are right.  But I do think that sometimes the person may not recognize it, or thought it was Ok because that is how they were raised, so a conversation could make it better...if the other person is willing to listen.

I agree.  Most people are not unreasonable or perfect angels.  We all make mistakes, sometimes big ones.  And try to work it out, we apologize and make amends.  We forgive others when we see true remorse.  We've got our rules of society that we all know. 

But when it becomes a pattern of disrespect is when unpleasant choices are all that's left to make. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

overwhelmed123

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #24 on: February 04, 2011, 01:19:28 PM »

But when it becomes a pattern of disrespect is when unpleasant choices are all that's left to make.

You must have been spot on when you said our situations sound very similar!  If someone isn't willing to change their actions even after it's been brought to their attention, and they aren't willing to acknowledge...you're put in an awful position to choose the lesser of several evils.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #25 on: February 04, 2011, 04:32:18 PM »
I am going to send myself a Valentine along with chocolate covered cashews and it is going to say....lets see...
"to the cutest, youngest, slimmest, sexiest, sweetest girl I know."

I am going to sign it "Guess Who?" and then I am going to Scotch Tape in my front window.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline pam1

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2011, 04:43:52 PM »
Hahahahahahahaha...the "guess who?"...oh my gut hurts.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #27 on: February 04, 2011, 04:56:27 PM »
Luise, you're a riot.  ;D  ;D  ;D
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #28 on: February 04, 2011, 04:58:51 PM »
Don't dare me!!!  ;D ;D ;D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline JaneF

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Re: A little Valentine sympathy for DS/DH - the man in the middle.
« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2011, 06:57:32 PM »
Luise you are a hoot! Laughed myself silly at the mental picture! Great idea though.....