Author Topic: Heartbreak  (Read 5040 times)

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catchingup

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Heartbreak
« on: January 16, 2011, 08:07:55 AM »

I heard today that a Grandmother was looking after her Grandchild while the parents were away.
The child a 16month old toddler drowned in a murky pool.
How does a person get over something like this?? How will it affect the family relationships?
Why did this child have access to the pool area?

Becoming a Grandmother scares me.
When I was about 18 I told my mother "I dont think I should have children"I knew I would worry too much. I just loved children too much
I think I should have listened to my instincts and made my career amoung other peoples children

Fortunately my 3 sons turned out good guys with good careers and survived my neurosis.

This feeling I have of not wanting to get too emotionally involved with Grandchildren to spare myself the worry must be abnormal judging by the besotted ladies on this site.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2011, 08:09:55 AM by catchingup »

LaurieS

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2011, 08:41:31 AM »
I understand exactly how you are viewing this.  My own mother chose not to be close to her grand children, she kept my boys once in their lives and that was disastrous.  I always chalked it up to the fact that she never appeared to really like even having her own children, as if we were something you were suppose to do rather then chose to do.  But it could have been the responsibility that she partially avoided.  Accidents can certainly happen to a child while under a parents care or a grandparent, yes I think living with the weight of knowing that a grandchild was injured while on your watch would be horrible. 

Just this week a article in the paper spoke about a child who drown in a bathtub while mom was playing on Facebook, it's a shame but accidents can and do happen.  I once had a pediatrician who I was visiting with a injured child, tell me not to ever turn my back... he really let me know that my child was hurt because of my actions alone.  I listened to the lecture because I am responsible for my child's safety.. but finally I asked if his house was clean when he got  home?  Was his dinner prepared when he finally walked through the door?  I said well then at some point your wife is turning her back if only for a moment..  We have to be realistic along with aware, and hopefully life will treat us with kindness.

holliberri

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2011, 09:28:31 AM »
Catchingup,

That's a normal feeling! I was terrified of becoming a mother, and then I became one and was even more terrified. Then came the time for daycare, and it only got worse. I think the idea that something could go wrong is something we need to learn to live with. Everyday I get up, I am so glad I made it through one more day to spend with my DD, without something happening to either one of us. I don't think the fear that something could go wrong will ever completely go away, but that doesn't mean that we need to avoid the joy that can be in the present.

Terrible things happen all the time, and while I certainly wouldn't want to be the one responsible for anything like that, there are some things that are just beyond our control. I read a story about a dad leaving his son in the car at work all day in the hot sun. I was terrified I or my DH would do this. I called the daycare everyday to make sure DD got dropped off. However, I FINALLY looked up the statistics; this happens in this big country of ours (U.S., assuming!), about 5 times a year. The odds are so miniscule, that we simply have to live with the fact that it is an imperfect world, and sometimes even if things appear within our control, they actually are not.

The fact that something could happen is exactly why you NEED to be an integral part of your GCs lives (especially if your kids allow you that opportunity!). I lost my best friend of 20  years to cancer last year, and we had lost contact for a few years before then. I decided to reach out, and shortly after that she was diagnosed. I am so grateful for that precious time with her, even if it was spent in a hospital, and watching her die. I think her and I got so much out of just loving despite the fact that things might go wrong. Your GCs need to know who you are because we just never know when our time is up. Sometimes the bad times can be just as enriching as the good, and sometimes good things do come out of tragedy.

I'm learning to live happily despite having the fear of something happen; and I'm only now just learning what true love can overcome. Don't short change yourself or your GKs out of fear.

LaurieS

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2011, 10:52:54 AM »
On the flip side and I'm not speaking directly about you Catchingup.. but if for any reason someone has doubts about their ability to keep up with their grandchildren, they need to face that limitation within themselves and then make it known to the children's  parents.  Kids are fast, they have unlimited energy and minds that can find danger even when not looking for it. 

I have had friends who have been angered when a parent has not wanted to babysit for a variety of reasons.  First there is nothing wrong with not totally rescheduling your every event to fit your children's needs.  Secondly if it's out of your comfort zone, then so be it.. I'd rather see a grandparent be honest before helpful. 

holliberri

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2011, 11:04:15 AM »
Laurie is right about that. Limitations are okay too, as long as we are honest about it. I asked my mom to watch DD twice a week and she curtly said no. I felt rejected, and felt like my mom was preventing me from going to class. My dad then explained my mom wasn't trying to make my life difficult, she just is in school herself and was battling a bad cold to boot. A kid two nights a week was too much on her plate. I understood her point of view, but I wish she'd been honest with me initially.
In the end, you need to do what is right for you. Just don't be afraid of the emotional attachment! You can do a lot with GKs without being the main caretaker.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2011, 11:41:26 AM »
All you have to do is turn your head for a moment. The threat is always there. I knew a couple who got a waterfront home and their little guy fell off the dock when they weren't looking. We all know of horror stories. Some of us have lived them. And yet we can't "not live." Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline JaneF

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2011, 02:26:56 PM »
I understand the fear some have of a child or grandchild getting injured or worse. I lost a son as an infant (not due to injury or accident), and I was devastated over it. It does make a parent a little more cautious sometimes, but you still have to let a child be a child. For me the loss of my son made me appreciate having my other children more, if that makes any sense. I was not a perfect mother by any means, but then kids are not born with instruction booklets! I did the best I could at the time. We can't let fear rule our lives, or we would never take chances. I took a chance 3 years ago and changed jobs even though I was sneaking up on 50 years old! I was intimidated by the fact that there was so much I had to learn, but I am so happy I took the risk! I am still learning daily, but I love my job. If you stop learning in life, you are doing yourself a great diservice. I hope what ever fears you have you are able to overcome. Blessings to you.

Faithlooksup

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2011, 04:10:18 PM »
Hi Catchingup!!!   Yes, that story was sad, and I do understand your fears...but do not let your fears rule you....You raised your sons and did a great job....actually when I became a grandmother it was so much fun, I was more relaxed with both of them, I went into my second childhood with them as well.  Meanwhile due to the fact that we raised our children, I knew what my GC were up to before they new......Go with your instincts, if it feels right do it, if not don't...   If you live in fear~you will not live, and that is what life is all about...living.

Sending Hugs.....Faith

Offline Pooh

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2011, 08:16:01 AM »
Fear is normal as a parent or grandparent.  But I will say that my two boys got hurt more doing "normal" things, than they ever did doing things that they shouldn't.  I remember my MIL having a fit when we bought the boys a trampoline.  "They are dangerous, kids get hurt so bad, blah blah blah."  They would drag their basketball goal over to the trampoline and practice "extreme basketball".

I went in the house......
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2011, 08:20:42 AM »
I agree Pooh.. and it seems like the only ones that are fearless are the kids themselves.  Knock on wood, but I even never suffered a broken bone with my kids.. now me on the other hand, let's not forget I fell off my new bike just two weeks ago.

Offline Pen

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2011, 08:26:05 AM »
My kids never broke bones either, but we spent time in the doctor's office over embarrassing issues like ring worm. Hey Laurie, I fell off my bike too! I was going up a hill very slowly and sort of tipped over into a pile of rocks. Very graceful. DH laughed.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2011, 08:27:39 AM »
Me neither.  I managed to escape both the boys childhood, with only 6 stitches.  And that was OS, in high school, playing a basketball game.  Banged heads going for a rebound and his teeth went through his lip....ouchie. 

I truly think you get hurt less when you are not afraid.  Just look at all the stories of drunks in horrific crashes that walk away without a scratch!  The lack of fear or inhibitions truly relaxes your body.  IMO.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2011, 08:28:43 AM »
Me neither.  I managed to escape both the boys childhood, with only 6 stitches.  And that was OS, in high school, playing a basketball game.  Banged heads going for a rebound and his teeth went through his lip....ouchie. 

I truly think you get hurt less when you are not afraid.  Just look at all the stories of drunks in horrific crashes that walk away without a scratch!  The lack of fear or inhibitions truly relaxes your body.  IMO.

so then we should drink more???????   ;)

Offline Pooh

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2011, 08:30:29 AM »
Hmmm.....hold on...I'm thinking....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: Heartbreak
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2011, 08:47:01 AM »
yeah Pooh.. I think it's because they are drunk.. not fearless :)   I thought I had escaped all the really embarrassing issues but then my dd got head lice at the age of 21, she was coaching little girls and put on a helmet..go figure